Lylat Lagoon
by Elarix
Summary: Now with a lifetime supply of cereal, Star Fox is ready to set sail… right after they throw a going away party, of course. But as their rival, Wolf is contractually obligated to, quote, "not let them do that". Star Wolf crashes the party as pirates, Star Fox forms a band, and Miyu completes a kid's menu crossword puzzle in Episode 5: The Return of Sea Wolf.
1. The Tropic of Cancer P1

_(This text ensures the chapter dropdown does not displace the first line ofYOU FOOL WE'RE TOO CLOSE TO THE TITLE)_

 _Lylat Lagoon_

 _Episode 1: The Tropic of Cancer (Part 1)  
_

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.🌴.

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Papetoon. An arid desert world home to dusty towns and even dustier people, none of whom could agree whether it was pronounced _Pah-pah-toon_ or _Payp-toon_. The dust got so bad at times that the inhabitants needed a routine escape.

Fox McCloud stepped outside and shaded his eyes with an elbow. Star Fox's internal offices were dimly lit, but outside the searing Papetoonian sun was blinding. Heat rose from the ruddy orange plains and distorted the horizon like one of those content aware scale videos. A fog of low-hanging dust obscured the distant cacti and hoodoos. Most of all he felt the full force of the oppressive, dry heat.

Slippy Toad and Falco Lombardi followed behind him, pausing to adjust to the temperature. All three wore pitch-black sunglasses and carried suitcases on their persons. Fox had merely grabbed a pair from a drawer his father kept positively stashed with shades in the front desk. Every family had one of these drawers—at least Fox assumed.

Behind them lay the personnel complex of Star Fox HQ, where they conducted most of their paperwork, met with clients, played ping-pong, and otherwise lived. Across the airstrip sat the hardened aircraft shelter; it looked like a large tin can lying on its side, halfway submerged in the cracked desert ground. The HAS housed the _Great Fox_ inside, as well as their Arwings and other military equipment between missions, which unfortunately seemed like most of the time.

They stepped onto the asphalt airstrip and cringed after hearing the rubber soles of their shoes begin to pop and sizzle. Walking bare-pawed would instantly cook your feet; in no time you'd have four fry cooks and twelve dads with 'kiss-the-cook' aprons tailing you while trying to baste your feet in barbecue sauce.

They set out towards the hangar, but stopped when a military-grade jeep rounded the personnel complex and drove onto the airstrip. The sand-painted vehicle pulled up right next to them and Fox waved. Two felines—Katt and Miyu—sat in the front, while Fay spread out in back. A veritable mountain of baggage teetered back and forth when the jeep came to an abrupt stop.

"How's it going, girls?" Fox asked, tipping down his shades.

"Ugh," Katt groaned, "this heat will be the death of me. I'm molting worse than Falco."

"Where do you want us to drop our stuff?" Miyu asked.

Fox grimaced at the size of their baggage, which towered higher than a stack of the Chainsmoker's greatest hits—which, come to think of it, isn't actually that high.

"Tow it into the hangar; we'll load it into the back of the _Great Fox._ "

"Alright, we'll meet you in there." Katt waved slightly by lifting three fingers off the steering wheel. The girls drove past and their jeep disappeared into the aircraft shelter.

"Man I can't wait to feel that Aquan sea breeze," Slippy said with a whimsical smile. "The gentle waves, the soft sand, the tropical barbecues, and best of all the salty sea air!" Slippy arched his back and stuck out his stomach, breathing in deeply as if he could smell it now. Though moments later he doubled over in a fit of coughs from the dust.

"And of course, hot chicks in hotter swimwear," Falco snickered, rubbing his wings together. "Though really I'd take Zoness over Aquas any day."

Fox smirked to himself, silently praying it wouldn't erupt into another debate about whose tropical homeworld was superior.

Eventually Slippy recovered his breath. "This was a great idea Fox, inviting the girls down to the beach for summer break. Anything to get us away from the Academy, right?"

Fox closed his eyes and shivered. "Please, no mention of the Academy once we get out there! I need to stop worrying about my grades over this vacation."

"Well I'm sure Miyu and Fay feel the same way," Slippy offered. The fox and amphibian knew the girls from Flight Academy, which had a branch based in Papetoon, given how much military activity and training Corneria conducted on the planet. They were in the same class but never had much of a chance to get to know one another, though that would change during this outing. Katt, on the other hand, was Falco's on- and off-again girlfriend from Zoness. Both the avian and feline weren't enrolled in the Academy, and somehow criticized it more than Fox or Slippy could.

Once inside the hangar Fox, Falco, and Slippy approached the _Great Fox's_ loading ramp, while Katt, Miyu, and Fay dismounted their jeep to advance with their first set of bags. A third trio of figures approached with their own luggage, and they all nearly collided while trying to board the ramp.

"Uhhhh…" Fox trailed off.

The third group was made up of his father, James, as well as Peppy and Pigma. For a few moments they silently exchanged glances.

"Aren't those my sunglasses?" James asked.

"Dad," Fox hissed from the corner of his mouth, "we had planned to borrow the _Great Fox_ to fly to the Aquas space station. We uh... promised the girls."

"Oh… well sorry, Dad's got a business to run, Son. Pepper's paying us to fly a reconnaissance mission to Venom."

Pigma snorted. " _HYUK._ Did we spoil your little vacation? Heh heh, sorry about that kid."

"Dad, how come you guys always get to use the _Great Fox_ whenever you want but we're never allowed to?"

"Well Son," James stepped over to Fox and patted his shoulder, "that's because we're the Star Fox Primary Squad, and you're the Star Fox _Junior_ Squad. Now, we'll be seeing ya Son!"

Fox, Falco, and Slippy just stood there holding their bags, jaws agape, as the three elder members of Star Fox boarded in front of them. Hydraulics hissed as the boarding ramp lifted off the ground and closed against the _Fox's_ hull.

The girls burst into unconstrained laughter, dropping their bags and clutching their sides.

"What's so funny?" Fox growled, turning to glare at them.

"Oh my gosh! Oh the looks on your faces were priceless!" Katt choked out.

"You were going to borrow a ride… from your _dad!"_ Miyu gasped.

The vulpine's face flushed red while his tail curled between his legs.

Slippy tugged his friend's shirt hem. "Uh, what're we going to do now, Fox?"

"Well, it's quite simple, really." Then so everyone could hear he yelled, "WE _WALK_ TO AQUAS!"

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" _Attention passengers, this is your pilot, Captain Emile Sunnyhart speaking. But you can just call me Sunny, teehee!"_

In the transport shuttle seat behind Fox, Falco sneered, "I hate this guy."

" _I_ love _you too!"_ the pilot's voice came over the intercom, making Falco jump. _"Atmospheric entry is now complete, and we are at cruising altitude above Aquas' surface. If you look out your windows, you will see the beautiful waters of the World Ocean!"_

Slippy, who was seated next to Fox on the transport, jumped on top of the vulpine and pressed his face up against the glass. "Oooh it's good to be home!"

Fox merely wheezed as Slippy crushed him.

"Wow, it's gorgeous!" Fay said somewhere behind them.

Falco shrugged, not even bothering to look out the window. "Eh, it's _alright.._."

" _We will arrive at Hookworm Resorts_ _in less than fifteen minutes. I hope you've had a fabulous trip!"_

Slippy finally got off of Fox and hopped into the transport's center aisle. It was a small passenger shuttle that only carried the six of them plus the pilot at the moment, which was great because they had the ship all to themselves. No sharing seats with satanic screaming infants or overweight passengers (except Slippy—the latter, of course).

"Come on guys, let's organize our luggage so we'll be ready when it comes time to disembark!" Slippy beamed.

Fox rolled his eyes. That meant he'd have to get up and help Slippy, who couldn't reach the compartments above their seats. So he stood and began passing baggage from the overhead compartments down to his classmate while the rest of the team followed suit. Next they started examining the nametags and distributing them.

"Miyu Lynx," Fox read aloud. Looking up to the feline he asked, "I thought your last name was Tsuki… Tsukikagi?"

"Gesundheit!" Fay giggled, covering her mouth with a paw.

Miyu pointed at Fay. "See! It's comments exactly like this that are why I changed my name."

"You should keep it," Fox said, passing her the bag. "Katinese names are cool."

"Not when it sounds like everyone's allergic to you," Miyu grumbled, accepting her luggage.

Falco pulled one of his suitcases off the rack and let it swing wildly down. Everyone in the seating area fell silent upon hearing the castrophany of clinking sounds within. All eyes fell upon him and the suitcase.

"What?" he shrugged. "It wouldn't be a party without… you know…"

Fox pursed his lips. "Falco, we're all underage."

"Yeah, well, if all of us are underage, none of us are!"

"Do you get all your logic from animated films?"

"No, of course not! I watch live action too." Falco set the suitcase down and raised a wing. "Let's settle this democratically. All in favor of bringing along drinks, raise your hand!"

Katt's paw was the first to shoot into the air. Miyu and Fay raised theirs next, while Fay said, "Of course silly! We'd get thirsty if we didn't bring drinks."

Miyu frowned at her from the corner of her eye while Katt rubbed Fay's floppy ears. "Aww, your friend's cute enough to eat!"

Slippy looked at Fox as if apologizing, then raised his hand timidly.

Fox kept his arms crossed.

"Good, the fun people win," Falco concluded. He pulled a second bag off the overhead rack, which clinked louder than the first.

Fox's eyebrows shot up. "Did you even bring _anything_ else? Like clothes or toiletries?"

"I'm gonna level with you Fox, I brought one tube of toothpaste."

"You don't even… Ughhh!" Fox slapped a palm over his face.

" _This is your Captain speaking,"_ the same cheery voice came over the intercom. _"We are approaching_ _Frappé Island_ _Spaceport. Please take your seats and fasten your seatbelts. And whatever you do, don't come into the cockpit and say hi to me. Also don't look out the windows. In fact it would be best if you sat with your head between your knees and sang something loud. Thank you!"_

Fox scratched his ears. "Huh, well that doesn't make any—"

" _WE FOOOUND A LOOOVE IN A HOMELESS PLAAAACE_ _!_ " Fay belted out in a muffled voice.

"Crap!" Slippy exclaimed. Instead of sitting down he raced towards the back of the shuttle.

"Slippy, what're you thinking?!" Fox called after him, cupping his paws over his mouth. "You don't have time!"

"Nature calls! Don't worry, they don't call me the Green Lightning for nothing!"

"You're gonna be known as the Brown Streak if you use that—" But the restroom door slammed shut behind Slippy. "He better do his business in record time," Fox shook his head.

The remaining five passengers took their seats and buckled up, bracing for the slight turbulence before they landed.

Fay sighed, staring dreamily out the window. "The water's so beautiful. There's nothing but bright blue ocean for miles… and miles… and... miles…"

Miyu climbed over her to look out the window, frowning.

"Yo, where is Captain Lobotomy Patient landing us? There's not an island in sight."

Falco and Fox looked out their side of the shuttle. Sure enough, there was no sign of Frappé Island **—** just endless waves and surf for as far as they could see.

"Well that's not right," Falco said, but Fox had already unbuckled and was racing towards the cockpit.

When he arrived he shook the door handle but found it locked. He pounded on the metal panel. "Hey, open up in there! What's going on?!"

" _Don't come in, I'm not decent!"_

"What, are you taking a bath in there? I'm coming in!"

Fox turned to find Falco and the girls standing behind him, fixing him with worried expressions. He spread them apart with his arms.

"Gang way!"

The vulpine walked twenty paces from the door, placing his right shoulder forward. Letting out a ferocious roar he charged towards the cabin door like a linebacker.

It broke.

Well, _something_ broke. But it certainly wasn't the door.

Fox crashed against the hatch and found it to be quite immovable. He struck the metal frame with so much force that he bounced back and sprawled onto the floor.

All around him came the encouraging voices of his teammates and friends. With the stars still disappearing from his eyes, a number of helping hands lifted him up and brushed him off.

"Come on Fox! You can do it!"

"Attaboy, Fox!"

Fox shook the specks from his vision, reared back, and charged the door again.

 _WHAM_

For a second time he found himself stretched out on the floor, reeling from a partial concussion.

"Almost there, Fox!"

"I can see the hinges about to give!"

"Yeah, third time's the charm!"

This time when they righted Fox, he had trouble standing up. He blinked rapidly and stumbled about on his feet, trying to locate the door through all the headfog. When he identified it—or thought he did—he charged the door a third time…

…and barreled straight into the adjacent wall.

This time he blacked out, and neither Miyu nor Fay cradling his head and shouting at him could bring him back to the land of the living.

Falco snatched one of Katt's hairpins from her head and jimmied the lock. Swinging it open, he said, "Oh look, the door's open!"

They all rushed into the cockpit, leaving Fox dazed on the floor. To their confusion the chipper shuttle pilot was seated in the captain's chair wearing a parachute and clutching a briefcase full of his belongings.

"Thank you for flying Overbook Airlines. I hope you have a wonderful vacation!" The pig captain flashed a jolly smile so wide it caused his cheeks to obscure his eyes. Then he pulled a lever beneath his chair, and the entire seat launched up and out of a hatch in the ceiling. Falco and the girls rushed to the glass canopy to watch him go. The pink-skinned pilot and his chair fell in free-fall for a few seconds before a parachute opened and slowed his descent. The pig swayed back and forth while gradually becoming a speck in the distance.

"Why that dirty runt!" Katt exclaimed, clenching her fist.

But the pilot was only the first of their troubles.

Two explosions sounded from either side of the shuttle, and the entire ship rocked violently. Pressing their noses and/or beak against the glass, they looked out to see slightly worrying black plumes of smoke trailing from the engines.

Fox stumbled into the room, babbling incoherently at first. Finally he managed to slur out, "Whal's goin' oln?"

"The friggin' pilot bailed on us!" Falco shouted. "And to make matters worse, the engines blew up!"

"There's no one to fly the ship!" Miyu added.

Fay held her head in her hands and screamed, "We're all gonna dieeee!"

The cockpit erupted into complete pandemonium. Falco squawked and violently flapped his wings to the point of creating a cloud of blue feathers. Miyu ran circles around the copilot seat while a still dazed Fox tried to comfort Fay, who sat bawling on the floor.

Katt suddenly stopped her caterwauling as an epiphany struck her. "Hey. HEY!"

Everyone fell silent and froze in place, while Fay continued crying.

"WAAAAAAAAA—huh?"

Katt placed her hands on her hips. "We're literally _all_ pilots!"

The consensus of the room was, "Oh."

Katt shoved Miyu out of the way and took a seat in the copilot's chair. She quickly got a feel for the controls and gripped the wheel.

"Whew, okay, I can do this! It doesn't matter that we're on fire. You all should return to your seats and buckle up! This is gonna be one bumpy ride..."

The rest of the hapless passengers crowded uninvited to her side.

Falco pointed to the altimeter. "You're losing altitude fast! Pull up and gain some height."

"That's the _last_ thing you want to do!" Miyu butted in from the opposite side. She angled her paws downward. "Ease her down gently so she doesn't stall!"

"Why don't you try landing on one of those islands?" Fox suggested, thinking himself quite helpful.

"Nonsense! We'd blow apart!" Falco shot back. "You gotta ditch us in the water."

Katt's claws shot out of their sheaths and stabbed into the control wheel, her knuckles turning white. "Guys, you're mind-flooding me! Could you give me some spa—"

"If she lands in water we'll all drown!" Miyu shouted over her. "Find an island with some nice soft palm trees!"

"No-no, land in the shallows!" Fox shouted back.

"We're all gonna die!" Fay screamed again.

At that moment they broke through a white blanket of clouds, emerging over the sparkling blue waters of Aquas. A small island appeared dead ahead of them.

Gripping the controls with all her might, Katt steered the meteorite of a shuttle towards the island. The shallows rushed swiftly up to meet them.

Drowning out the frantic suggestions of her teammates, she snarled, _"RRRRRRRAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!"_

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* * *

The passenger shuttle nose-dived into the water, striking the sandy bottom and tearing up the ground all the way to the island's shore. Water poured in through newly formed cracks in the hull, flooding the rear half of the ship.

Fox was the first to his feet. Somehow the impact had given his head enough of a jolt to knock him back to his senses.

"Abandon all ships!" he ordered.

The shuttle was filling with water fast. Fox helped the others to their feet, then aided Miyu with carrying a stunned Falco.

Katt shook herself back to consciousness. "Hey, I did pretty well considering both engines were out and never having flown a shuttle before."

Fox narrowed his eyes at the dashboard. "It was on autopilot, Katt."

The water level had completely submerged the rear half of the shuttle, leaving only the cockpit and a fraction of the seating area above sea level. But between these two areas was an exit for the crew. Fay was the first to reach it. She pulled the lever but struggled to get the door open. The water threatened to keep them locked in, so Fox and Miyu dropped Falco spluttering into the rising ocean to give Fay a hand. Every inch they managed to force the door open let more sea water gush through, which equalized the water level of the shuttle with that of the outside ocean. With the door open the rest of the way they retrieved Falco and burst from the shuttle, swimming for the shore.

Once on dry land, they dragged themselves further up the beach, sand becoming caked to their soaking wet clothes. Fox sprawled onto his back and gazed up at the sky, gasping for breath. When he had rested enough he sat up and looked back out into the lagoon, which was now muddied with disturbed sand and soil.

The shuttle was more than halfway submerged in water while the protruding wings and front end were on fire. Fox found it hard to believe that a sinking ship could be both underwater and doused in flames at the same time, but then again no one had forced him to watch _Titanic._ Yet.

"Oh no!" Fay whined, "All of my luggage is in there!"

"Just be thankful we made it," Miyu gasped.

But the spaniel continued, "This is awful! We're marooned on an island! We'll be stuck here for who knows how long! We might starve to death or die of thirst or end up all _eating_ each other!" She gasped, covering her mouth. "Or what if this is like a horror movie?! What if there's a giant sea monster lurking around the island? Or there are frequent tornados full of sharks and eels?!"

"I wouldn't put it past him," Fox grumbled.

"Him?" Falco asked. "Him who?"

"No one. Forget it."

Fay wasn't done panicking. Her voice continued to climb in pitch. "Or-or what if there's a serial killer waiting for us on this island?"

Fox scratched his head, staring at the burning wreckage. "You know Fay, you kind of have a point. Something fishy is going on; not every pilot bails out and blows up their ship's engines just to maroon some students like us on an island. There's got to be more to this—"

"AAAAAH!"

"Fay, get ahold of yourself."

The spaniel pointed out over the water. "There it is! The-the-the creature from the black lagoon!"

Miyu grabbed Fay's shoulders and shook her. "Get a grip! You're just seeing… things…"

Everyone quit arguing and looked towards the lagoon. To their horror an oozing creature of brown muck was climbing its way out of the muddied water.

Falco and Katt leapt to their feet, assuming fighting stances. Miyu just held Fay as she screamed in terror.

"Wait!" Fox interjected, holding an outstretched arm in front of Falco and Katt. "Maybe it doesn't have to be this way."

"What do you mean?" Falco shouted. "That thing's crawling up here to eat and digest us! It's an amoeba with no other instinct but to consume and grow!"

"But what if it's intelligent? What if we could make contact with it? It could be a friend!"

The bolus-like monster climbed up until just its ankles were submerged in the lagoon. It rubbed the muck and bile from its eyes, revealing green skin.

"You guys are mean! You knew it was me all the time."

"Slippy? Is that you?" Fox asked while taking a step forward.

Slippy was furious. "Do you mean you seriously forgot about me? You left me to drown in that restroom! Now I'm covered in all this nasty—"

"Augh!"

"ACK!"

"Yuck!"

"Slippy that's disgusting!"

"Go back, go back!"

Everyone on the beach began slinging sand and shells at Slippy, driving him back into the water.

"Okay, okay! Fine! I'll wash off! Ow, my eye!"

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Once Slippy had cleaned himself of his coat of crap, and the fires had burned themselves out or been extinguished in the water, they set to work salvaging as much of their baggage from the wreck as possible. All of their suitcases and bags were soaked, but after laying their clothes and other items out on the beach they dried quite well.

Falco and Fox emerged from the lagoon carrying some of the last few bags. They tripped through the water the rest of the way onto the shore while Slippy ran down to help them.

Fox shook the water from his fur. "That's the last of it. Dang, I never knew my lungs were this strong."

Slippy waved his hand. "Aw that's easy. You two need to swim more, especially you, Falco."

The bird was too tired and short of breath to snipe back, but his eyes said buttloads. He wordlessly turned and flopped back into the water.

Fay and Miyu appeared on the shore, waving at them from further down the beach. They clutched their shoes in hand and ran towards them.

"Well, looks like they're back," Fox observed.

The girls slid to a stop beside them, careful not to tread on the drying clothes.

"Find any signs of civilization?" he asked.

Their ears drooped.

"Nope," Miyu said dourly. "The beach just keeps going on and curving around. Seems like we're stuck on an uninhabited island."

Katt ran up to them from the opposite direction, her face flushed and her lungs short of breath. "I searched the western beach. Nothing there either."

Fay clutched her ears. "Are we gonna be stuck here forever?" she asked in a fragile voice.

"It is looking rather grim," Miyu agreed, scuffing her paw in the sand.

"By my rough estimation," Slippy began scratching lines in the sand, "Given each of our different species, dietary needs, packed food, and potential natural sources… I'd say we have about a week to live. Two—if we eat each other one by one like Fay suggested."

"Oh…"

The group looked dejectedly down at the sand, trying to come to grips with their inevitable deaths.

Falco burst from the waves hauling the suitcase full of beer. He slung it onto the shore with a clink.

"WHOOOOOO! WHOOOoooo… what?"

The avian was met with glares from every side. He felt like shrinking back into the water.

"Hey, hey I think I see a ship!" Katt peered out past the lagoon to the open ocean, shielding her eyes with a paw. She took off across the shore. "Come on! We can't afford to miss this chance!"

With hope daring to raise its head in everyone's hearts they made a beeline for the coast. Following close behind Katt they climbed onto a rocky outcropping that afforded them a better view of the ocean.

Fox squinted into the distance, spotting the same boat Katt had seen. It was a white row boat replete with two men pulling the oars, a third working a camera, and a gorgeous red-furred vixen. She posed seductively for the camera in front of the picturesque tropical backdrop.

"Wait a minute," Fox began, "I think I know her! Yeah, that's my cousin!" Cupping his hands over his mouth, he shouted, "Scarlet! Hey, Scaaarlet! Scaaaaaaars!"

The vixen searched the ocean and coastline for the source of the voice. Finally her eyes landed on Fox, only to widen in horror.

"ROW FASTER, ROW FASTER!"

The oar-men put their backs into, and the boat picked up speed.

Fox was heart-broken. "Scars, where are you going?! Don't you recognize your own cousin?! Don't leave us here to die!"

"Sorry Fox, but I can't afford to blow up again. Adios!"

And with that the rowboat and photo crew disappeared over the horizon. Fox merely stared, open-jawed, as his salvation vanished into the distance.

Katt came up behind Fay and patted her shoulder. "Okay. _Now_ you can panic."

Fay whimpered and sniffed for a minute. Finally the tears bubbled over and she let out a full-blown howl.

"Well, their goes our future at the Flight Academy," Miyu said dejectedly. "All that training and simulation runs and studying for exams are useless to us down here. It was all worthless."

Falco crossed his arms and huffed. "I _knew_ we should've gone to Zoness."

Slippy puffed out his chest. " _I_ for one am _proud_ to die on my own soil!"

"The only thing _you've_ soiled is your pants when the engines on the shuttle first blew—"

"Quiet now, all of you!"

Everyone looked at Fox as he jumped on top of higher rock. He turned to face their sorry band of castaways.

"I don't know about the rest of you, but I for one intend to survive this! Only pathetic weenuses would lie down in the sand and just die. We're grown ass-adults… kinda. We have military training and street-smarts. We don't give up easily. As the leader of Star Fox I choose _life!"_

Fox's short but passionate speech rekindled the flame of hope in everyone's hearts. They raised their fists and cheered his name several times.

" _That's_ more like it! Now, we have a lot of work to do. Everyone must do their part. So, let's get down to business…"

" _To defeat, the Hu—"_

"One more cartoon reference out of you Falco, and I swear to god—"

* * *

 _Continued in Part 2..._


	2. The Tropic of Cancer P2

_Episode 1: The Tropic of Cancer (Part 2)_

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* * *

The shipwrecked members of Star Fox (and associates) lost all track of time. With Fox's leadership, Slippy's ingenuity, Katt's spirit, Miyu and Falco's brawn, and Fay's… well, in _spite_ of Fay _…_ they managed to survive.

Using a combination of bamboo shoots, palm leaves and trunks, and wood from other trees, they built an intricate treehouse to live in. It stood several meters off the ground on the edge between the beach and jungle. Inside they constructed bedrooms with hammocks they made from tarps and spare clothing from the shuttle. Slippy managed to engineer a plumbing system that supplied water for toilets, showers, and even primitive coolers.

Their latest project was a motorized boat using salvaged engine parts from the sunken transport shuttle, but at the moment it lay incomplete on the beach. The island's sole inhabitants had lost steam the more they worked, and Fox's encouragement could only drive their morale so far.

By now despair and hopelessness set in. They forwent personal hygiene, not bothering to bathe or trim their facial hair. Fox, Slippy, and Falco all developed scraggly beards. Everyone was skinny and emaciated to the point of showing their ribs. Their foodstuffs ran out quicker than expected, leaving them starved and lacking energy. They had given up hope for someone finding them a long while ago.

If they didn't do something soon, they would starve to death.

Currently it was sunset on the island; tiki torches and a campfire burned in the tropical breeze, washing the sand in an orange glow.

The members of Star Fox lay lethargically on the beach, their clothes ripped and torn, their throats dry, and their stomachs empty.

Katt and Miyu sat closest to the water, letting the waves wash over their feet as they stared across the ocean, mistaking mirages for pleasure cruises.

Falco rested on his back, cutting away at a folded piece of paper. Setting the scissors aside, he unfolded it to reveal a paper doll chain.

Fox lay on his stomach counting the sand on the beach again. He was currently on grain 12,789,468,002.

Slippy sat near the jungle, whittling away at a piece of driftwood with a knife. He was eying Falco's thighs, which was probably why he had carved a drumstick. When he was satisfied with the result he chomped down on it, but only found the briny taste of disappointment.

"Say, Katt…" Miyu's voice came out parched and dry. "What was that thing you said last chapter? About Fay?"

"Hmm…" Katt searched back in her memory. "You mean when I said she was so cute I could eat her?"

Miyu's only answer was to swivel around on the sand, facing back up the beach at the spaniel. Fay sat between them all, surprisingly happy and oblivious to their worries. She hummed pleasantly to herself while stringing colorful blossoms onto a necklace. When she finished the garland she smiled wide and held it up for Miyu and Katt to see. Her smile morphed into an :o when she noticed their cold expressions. One by one she turned to the rest of her friends on the beach. Slippy licked his chops, Fox had a crazed look on his face, and Falco's eyes sparkled evilly.

"…Uh, _guys?"_ she squeaked.

Miyu launched to her feet, clutching her stomach. "I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE, _GET HER!"_

Fay screamed and made a break for the jungle, but the three men blocked off her escape. She turned on her heel but ran into Miyu and Katt, who quickly grabbed her arms and held her in place.

"No, NOOOO!"

Falco brought a thick branch and some rope with which to tie her. Fox and Slippy threw together a bonfire, lighting the dried grass with flint and steel.

When Fay's arms and legs were tied to the branch Falco and Miyu carried her over to the bonfire and placed the struggling canine across two wooden stakes. The flames crackled beneath her, dangerously licking up at her ragged clothing.

"No! Guys, what's gotten into you?! You aren't seriously going to eat me… right? _RIGHT?!"_

Miyu and Katt plopped down next to the bonfire, going through Fay's bags and pulling out some special seasonings she brought along.

"Hmm, let's see," Katt hummed. "Salt, paprika, black pepper, onion and garlic powder, coriander..."

"Light on the black pepper, please!" Fay begged. Miyu popped the top off and flicked some at Fay. The spaniel's nose scrunched up before sneezing.

Growing impatient, Slippy set to work turning the spit so that every side of Fay was cooked.

"Urrrgh, I'm getting dizzy!"

Fox and Falco meanwhile sat at the table, scraping their knives noisily together to sharpen them.

Suddenly there came the sound of voices and footsteps on the beach. Slippy stopped rotating Fay and everyone turned to look towards the shore.

They froze.

A group of tourists waddled onto the sand, full of curious adults, teenagers glued to phone screens, grandparents dressed in sandals and socks, whining brats, and of course that one couple that couldn't keep their hands off each other in the tropical heat.

The tour guide—a sky blue amphibian—came to a stop in front of Star Fox's barbeque. He turned to face the tourists and made grandiose gestures with his arms.

"And here we see a young group of natives engaged in a ritual act of cannibalism, due to the exorbitantly high produce prices in oceanfront supermarkets. Behind them you have a rudimentary dwelling place constructed of little more than driftwood. We are lucky to run into this group of primitive post-millennials tonight, for they weren't here two days ago. You, my guests, have had a special treat! Now if you all step this way, in just a few moments we'll see Frappé Island's famous dildo-shaped rock…"

"Wait!" Katt shouted before the tourists could leave. The guide stopped and looked at her. "You mean, there's civilization nearby?"

"Why, of course! You're on Frappé Island, after all. This is just a small peninsula. The mainland is but a thirty-minute hike through that jungle. Now, if you'll excuse me…"

Each member of Star Fox remained completely still for a second. Except for Fay, whose shirt finally caught fire, prompting her to frantically blow on it.

"We're… we're saved!" Katt exclaimed, raising her fists triumphantly. "Let's get out of here!"

The two felines rushed to the bonfire and lifted Fay's stake to safety.

"Fay, I'm so sorry!" Miyu whimpered. "I was possessed by hunger! I'd never eat you in real life. Can you forgive me?"

Fay rubbed her wrists after they were untied. "Oh it's fine. Sometimes I fantasize about eating you to."

"What?"

"What?"

Now that Fay was free they set off walking in the opposite direction as the tourist group back towards where the mainland supposedly was.

…All except Fox.

"W-wait a minute! Don't you think we're being a bit hasty?"

They stopped and turned back to him.

"I-I mean, aren't you proud of how far we've come? Look how long we've survived on our own! No adults, no fast food, no social media, no internet—none of that! We built the greatest treehouse the world has ever seen! We've even constructed our own makeshift boat!"

Fox gestured to the watercraft, and everyone looked just in time to see it noisily collapse into a scrap heap.

The vulpine cringed when they looked back at him. "Uh, so what I'm saying is… we've come this far, so why not continue? We can accomplish so much more on our own, without society, without poisonous junk food or bossy teachers or controlling parents or toxic social media. Isn't this the life worth living? Doing things on our own, independently? I think we should stay here! So, whaddya say? Want to continue the life you have here with good ol' Fox in command? Or go crawling back to the modern commodities that make people soft and weak?"

Falco, Katt, Miyu, Fay, and Slippy all exchanged glances.

"Wanna grab a cheeseburger?" Miyu asked.

"Alright!"

"Hell yeah girl!"

As one they turned and headed off into the jungle.

"Wh-what?! You're leaving me?! Some teammates _you_ are! _Fine._ I'll stay here myself. I'll show you! I'll show you all that Fox McCloud can make it on his own, without anyone! You hear me? _Anyone!"_

* * *

.≋≋≋≋≋≋≋ ≋≋≋≋≋≋≋.

* * *

A few hours passed. At first Fox tried repairing the cobbled-together motorboat, but without Slippy's help he had no idea what he was doing. Eventually he dropped the tools and returned in defeat to the treehouse. There he boarded himself up and sat in a corner, his head nestled on his knees.

He sat like that for quite some time. By now it was nighttime on the island. Aquas' moon hovered in the sky, bathing the shore in a cool blue light. The only other source of lighting were the tiki torches and the smoldering remains of the bonfire.

"Foooox?"

His ears perked up. It was Slippy's voice.

"Fox! Foxy boy, are ya still here?"

Falco's this time!

"You don't think he's… _dead_ , do you?!"

"Oh don't be stupid, Fay. Maybe fainted from hunger or in a delirium, but not dead."

One of them knocked on the wood beneath the treehouse's lowest floor. "Hey, the stairs are retracted. That means someone's inside."

"Hey, Fox! Are you up there?!"

Weak from starvation, Fox pulled himself over to the railing and peeked over the side. Below him was the rest of his team, as well as the girls they'd invited. Everyone was already looking much better. They all wore new clothes purchased in town and stood with newfound energy. They were cleaned and washed up. Even Falco and Slippy's beards were gone (which admittedly didn't make any sense in the first place).

"What do you want?" Fox grumbled.

"We've come to take you back to town!" Falco shouted, cupping his wings over his mouth. "Come down from that stupid thing this instant!"

"Away with you, and all your temptations! You have eaten of the forbidden fruit of the fast food chain, and are no longer pure! Stay away, or you might infect me!"

"Fox, you sound like a conspiracy theorist," Katt said. "You'll starve if you don't come with us. Get down from there right now!"

"N-no!"

Katt pointed a threatening finger. "Don't make me come up there!"

"You can't make me!"

Slippy wheeled a wagon out from behind the group. "Fox, looked at everything we've brought you! There's a McTaco Hut in town." He stamped his foot. "F— that already exists! Uh, I mean, there's a Long John's Kentucky Fried Subway! Ugh, dammit again! Business co-location will be the death of restaurant parody names!"

"HNGRRRRR, no! I've chosen to eat natural! I eat nothing but tree bark and palm fronds now."

"But there's the internet, Fox!" Falco reached into the wagon and whipped out a cellphone. "A working internet connection! You can check social media again, stream videos and music… and porn! Porn, Fox!" He waved the phone temptingly.

"I have seen the light, Falco, and abstinence is the only way! You'll never tempt me away from this perfect society I've built, so just give it up! In fact, I once again extend my invitation to each one of you to join me in forsaking your unnatural industrial ways. Together we can make the ultimate utopia free from the twisted machinations of the machine!"

Katt rolled her eyes. "Fox we've literally been on this island two days and we've already tried eating Fay. Cannibalism is the most basic litmus test for a healthy civilized society. Come down from there before you gnaw your kneecaps off."

"Never! This treehouse is designed to be an impenetrable fort—you have no hopes… of…"

He trailed off when he noticed Falco and Slippy brandishing flaming tiki torches and wearing fed-up expressions.

"You-you wouldn't dare!"

There was a _boom_ in the distance. The figures standing on the ground turned just in time to see a splash of water launch into the air, right in the middle of the lagoon. The spray reached even higher than the top level of the treehouse.

"What was that?!" Miyu asked.

Fox squinted his eyes and searched the horizon again. A looming black shadow was swiftly approaching their beach from the sea.

"You're not going to believe this," Fox began, "but it's a 16th century pirate ship!"

A second _boom_ sounded, and a puff of smoke emitted from the front of the ship. The group's eyes narrowed then widened when they noticed a rounded black projectile hurtling their way.

"Take coveeeer!" Slippy shouted, and everyone scattered. The amphibian made a beeline for the outhouse and locked himself inside.

The cannonball struck the sand like a meteor and dug a trench all the way to the base of their treehouse.

"Fox, let us in, plea-he-hease!" Miyu begged, hammering on the underside of the retracted staircase.

"Ah, so _now_ you finally give in!" Fox chose to spare the rest of his team and lowered the stairs. Before it was even down all the way each of his friends had raced past him and cowered beneath the railing.

They made it inside just as a third cannonball sailed through the air beneath the treehouse. It missed them by a tail's width but continued on to strike the outhouse. The small wooden structure sailed off its foundation and cartwheeled into the jungle, disappearing behind the foliage.

"Slipyyyy!" no one cried because no one cared in all the confusion.

When the volley of cannonballs stopped they felt safe enough to peek over the side again. They anxiously watched the ship approach.

The pirate vessel seemed shallow enough to glide straight into the lagoon. As it approached they were able to make out more details. Galleys were characterized by having low-ridding keels, small sails, and a good number of oars as their main source of propulsion. This specific ship was painted picket-fence white, with black masts, diagonal yardarms, and royal-blue triangular sails. Black oars with similar blue-colored paddles stuck out from either side, rowing perfectly in sync. Together they looked like the exposed ribs of a serpent. A white compass-shaped sun with a spiral in the center was embroidered on the mainsail, and white ruins spelled out the ship's name on the foreword hull: _Kxo Sisimroh._

"Oh!" Falco snapped his fingers and whipped out his phone. After glancing back and forth between the ship's name and the screen he announced, "The ship's name is _The Cucumber._ "

"Saurian translator?"

"Saurian translator! Boo-yah!"

Fox nodded in agreement while Katt fist-bumped Falco.

The boat pulled up alongside their beach, and an anchor dropped into the lagoon. The oars raised dripping wet from the water and made an X-shape over the main deck. Eventually the oarmen stood them straight up in two rows along either side of the boat. A gangplank plopped over the side of the ship, making a rudimentary landing bridge down which a landing party marched.

Fox and the rest of the team's jaws dropped. A veritable army of beefy, azure-furred Cerinian men descended the gangplank and made landfall. They formed ranks on the beach in front of the fort, ripped arms crossed in front of their chiseled chests. They were bare-chested, and only wore white shendyt kilts around their waists. Each Cerinian had a firm-set jaw and devilishly handsome features.

"I hope they're all lifeguards," Katt hungrily panted, "because I think I forgot how to swim."

"Oh I'm gonna be wet," Miyu said, wiping her brow.

Fay merely swooned beneath the railing, falling out of sight.

Falco shook his head while looking at the crew. "Damn I need to renew my gym pass."

But the beefiest hunk of all was next to descend the deck ramp. The sailor wore a more traditional black vest and… uh…

 _*googles poofy pants*_

 _…harem_ pants? No that can't be right. Those soft baggy pants that sailors wear in pirate films? There must be another… Well, if you say so…

Um, he wore a more traditional black vest and… _harem_ pants… in addition to golden epaulets. Everything from his garb to the way he swaggered down the gangplank set him apart from the other crew members. Stopping in front of the ranks of Cerinians he flashed a devilish smile up at the remaining girls.

Katt fainted instantly, joining Fay beneath the railing.

"This land is hereby claimed by that brilliant interstellar emissary, the graceful Princess of Cerinia, and ruthless Pirate Queen; Kaptain Kursed!"

A new figure stepped on top of the gangplank, proudly surveying the beach.

Fox felt disappointed. "Oh, I was expecting four differentBLEUGH-BBBBB, hummina-hummina!"

The hormonal young todd found himself reduced to little more than a blithering stack of jello. Though maybe it had just as much to do with his present state of starvation and paranoia as it did with the woman's beauty.

'Kaptain Kursed', as the first mate or whoever he was called her, was a young Cerinian vixen about Fox's age, but from her regalia and the way she carried herself she seemed leagues more mature. She had long back-length violet hair that spilled out from beneath a silver coronet in a wild tangle. Her primary garment was a flowing black cloak with collars so high and pointy they could skewer a taller man's eyeballs out of their sockets from two feet. The coat rested on her shoulders and was unbuttoned to reveal most of her bare chest and midriff while still covering the essentials. Finally, she wore what amounted to little more than a swimsuit bottom over her waist, ripped black stockings, and high-heeled boots which added an intimidating number of inches to her height.

Now Fox was drooling before I even got through half of that. And when I say drooling, I mean _buckets._ Like, the _sea levels_ were rising. Aquas' global warming estimates had to be recalculated. And he got the stuff _everywhere._ He drooled all over his clothes and on the railing… some of it got on Katt and Fay who were still passed out on the deck… he spilled some of it over the side onto an unfortunate Cerinian standing at attention… some of it congealed into a new unclassified lifeform that managed to crawl its way into the sea where it reproduced asexually and… and you get the point.

The young todd could not wait to hear what sweet words came out of those lips.

"Quartermaster, I do not see Dildo Rock."

The Cerinian officer turned and bowed to Kaptain Kursed. "Your Majesty, I swear to you the rock is nearby. But first we must dispatch these natives who possess the land."

"I _see_ …" the Cerinian curled the claws on one of her palms while staring down her nose at Fox—which wasn't an easy task given how high above her the treehouse stood. "Well let's get this over with. I have a legendary treasure to find."

Kursed strolled down the gangplank and onto a blue carpet of Cerinian males. They stretched themselves out end-to-end, forming a path to the base of the treehouse so their queen didn't have to dirty her boots.

When Kursed arrived at the base of the treehouse she drew a cutlass from a sheath on her belt and brandished it up at them.

"Listen swine! I am Pirate Kaptain Kursed, and I aim to—"

At the last second she managed to sidestep a bucket of Fox's drool. "Oh that was vile. Have ye no respect?!"

Katt managed to lift herself back above the railing. "Hey, hey Ms. Pirate Captain… Queen… person, I've got a question. How do you spell your name?"

Kursed was unfazed. "With K's, of kourse! How else would you spell it?"

Katt gave her a thumbs-up. "Finally, someone else who knows how to spell."

The captain opened her arms to the sky. "Exactly! K already makes the 'kah' sound, so why use C for both 'sss' _and 'kah'?_ And they say _we're_ strange for using phonetics that make sense."

"Hey, where'd you get that old-timey ship?" Falco asked, excitedly studying the vessel. "Boy I bet it's hundreds of years old! And why'd you pick a goofy name like the _Cucumber?"_

"The _Cucumber?"_ Kursed exclaimed indignantly. "It's not kalled the _Cucumber!_ Kan't you read, you scraggle-feathered knave?"

"B-but I plugged it into the Saurian translator and it said—"

Kursed violently swung with her sword. "Be warned you imbecile, you think this is normal white paint coating our ship? It's painted white from the ground bone marrow of the poor fools who thought they knew Cerinian but kould only use the Saurian translator! _And_ it's lead-free! Never konflate our beautiful tongue with the brutish grunts of f—ing dinosaurs! 'Cucumber' my… her name is the _Cerinity_ , and I'll see that you never forget it!"

She finished with an exasperated sigh and jabbed her sword upright in the sand. "In fact you'll remember it to the moment you die, which will kome much sooner than you expect! You don't stand a chance against the famous Pirate Queen and her army of Cerinian soldiers. You see pitiful mortals, I am no ordinary vixen. I kome from a long bloodline of Cerinian royalty, whom the gods hath blessed with powers beyond komprehension! I inherited the ability to effortlessly read the thoughts of anyone I please. No one stands a chance against me!"

Fox slapped his jaw shut, cutting off the waterworks. "Wait, really? You can read minds? Prove it woman!"

"I accept your challenge!" Kursed adopted a cocky grin. She assumed a swaggering pose, leaning on her sword with her fingers on her forehead. She closed her eyes and hummed. "Now, I shall reveal to all the shallow thoughts your simplest of minds has to off—"

The vixen nearly fell off her sword. The skin beneath her fur flushed red and her eyes stole fearful glances at Fox. She clutched her coat tighter around her chest and crossed her legs protectively.

"Oh! Oh my, I wasn't prepared for… oh dear, why's it so hot out here? It is not just me, is it?"

"My lady, what's wrong?" The quartermaster rushed to her side. "Did you finally encounter a psychic with a mind as strong as your own?"

"N-no! The scoundrel's thoughts were just vile beyond description! I kan't bother to defile my own mind with his vulgar lust!" She placed a hand protectively over her groin. "Shame on you, you lowly deck-swabber, for ever thinking you kould kommit such perverted acts with me!"

"Don't bother reading Fay's mind." Miyu gestured to the spaniel, who had pulled herself onto the railing. "It's as blank as the list of fashionable tiger-striped clothing articles."

The vixen stomped her foot. "Ugh! Quit interrupting! I kan see through your little ploy to postpone your inevitable slaughter, but it won't work. Quartermaster, put a bullet through the mouth of the next idiot that speaks! My first mate is a deadeye marksman who kan shoot a bubonic flea off a rat's flank from a hundred paces. You will be sorry to kross me aga—"

Fox cleaned an ear out. "Wait, did you say _mate?_ "

The quartermaster sighed, loaded his pistol, and aimed it up at Fox.

"Wait!" Kursed interceded on his behalf. "What do you mean?"

Fox's shoulders slumped. "Oh, I'm just disappointed to hear that you already have, well… a mate." Then thinking on it some more, his face brightened up. "Wait, did you say _first_ mate? As in you ditched this guy for another? And you have a whole slew of mates you go through like a high school girl goes through Nicholas Sparks novels? And I could be one of them?!"

Katt pursed her lips. "Sorry Fox, I doubt Nicholas Sparks would ever write a novel about—"

"It is a long story," the quartermaster began. "I mean about how we got here, not the Queen and I having an affair, which we _haven't._ I'm her first mate as in the _ship's_ first mate. Gods and goddesses, you'd think you've never sailed on a ship before!"

"I have a confession. Sometimes I pretend to be stupider than I really am to make jokes."

"Well sit down, young fox—"

"Wow, you knew my name!"

"—for this will be a long and arduous story. Especially if you interrupt every two seconds like that."

"Grrr!" Kursed snapped her fingers, and several of the nearby Cerinians formed a living chair. She sat down and crossed her legs. "Fine. We might as well fill them in on who we are and what is happening across Aquas before flaying them alive. But make it fast!"

The quartermaster bowed while Kursed took out a file and began sharpening her claws. "It started about a month ago on our home planet, Cerinia. Kursed was the daughter of a Cerinian noble, back when she was still named Krystal."

"Also spelled with a K?" Katt risked.

"Yes, spelled with a K. As I was saying, we, her soldiers, were out on a hunting trip with the Princess when suddenly a portal opened and swallowed us whole. We found ourselves stranded on an island with no one else in sight. But the Princess took charge and guaranteed our survival. We built a mighty warship—the _Cerinity,_ which you see before you—and sailed between the islands. After pillaging numerous seaside villages and capturing a number of shipping vessels, we tortured the individuals into telling us where we were and what was going on. Beings from other planets and star systems have stumbled into similar portals leading to Aquas like ourselves. Something called a fake 'shell corporation' has been luring people from your own star system to this hell-hole of an ocean planet. They posed as a travel agency and promised a vacation paradise to unwitting victims around this system. Little did they know they were donating themselves as test subjects! Test subjects for chemical evolutionary manipulation on a mass scale."

"Mass… evolution?" Katt repeated. "That's impossible!"

A foghorn interrupted their conversation. In the distance was a monstrous-sized barge that slowly made its way across the waves. It stopped in front of the island long enough to upend a number of vats over its side, spilling sickly colored liquids into the ocean that steamed and bubbled.

Growing impatient, Kursed continued on her own. "The more you eat of the island's fruit or drink from the springs, the more you will mutate. Across our voyages we have seen Lylatian monsters twisted beyond recognition after being marooned down here for months."

The quartermaster stepped between Fox and Kursed. "We are trying to escape this water-logged planet and return to our own, but unfortunately Aquas has been isolated. It seems we are trapped down here for the foreseeable future. That is, we _would_ be…"

"…If not for the legendary treasure," Kursed finished, her mouth twisting in a wicked smile.

"A… treasure?" Fox asked.

"Yes. Old sailors' songs tell of a mystical treasure hidden somewhere on this planet. It is said to be so powerful it kan open gates to anywhere across the universe, much like the one we ourselves fell into. _But,_ only the most ruthless pirate king—or queen—kan ever hope to find it. That is why we are sailing the Aquas world ocean; to find that treasure before anyone else kan, and escape!"

Kursed lifted her sword from the sand and aimed the pointy end at Fox. "Now, relinquish your fort and surrender! We will torture you for information before feeding your mangled corpses to the shark tornados."

Fox crossed his arms. "You can torture me any day babe, but unfortunately I'll have to decline. I have my teammates to think about. If they came all the way back here to save me from starvation and loneliness, I can't very well abandon them either in their time of need. No, we have to stick together! Listening to you talk has cemented into my head exactly what to do. _We_ will become the most ruthless, the most blood-craven, the most sea-worthy band of pirates to sail the Aquas World Ocean! And we will put you and your blue pretty boys to shame! The race is on, Kursed. I'll make sure _we_ steal the treasure first!"

"You tell her Fox!" Falco slapped him on the back while the girls cheered.

Kursed descended her throne of brawny Cerinians and planted her feet. "Then you leave me no other choice. Alright lads, _attack!"_

The ranks of Cerinians drew curved scimitars and flintlock pistols before rushing towards the base of the treehouse.

"Hey-hey! Great speech and all, Fox," Katt said as she shook his hand. "But _now what are we going to do?!_ "

"Well I don't know about you Katt, but I think if we climbed high enough and threw ourselves off the tree we might be able to paralyze our nervous systems so we don't feel pain, thus escaping torture. Now who's with me?!"

Suddenly a chorus of blood-curdling screams rose from the Cerinians below them.

"What in the world…"

One of the sailors threw himself at Kursed's feet. "My Queen, there's a foul demon creature coming from the jungle! We've never seen anything like it before!"

"It's probably nothing. Have the men stand firm!"

The Star Fox crew ran over to the side of the deck and looked down. A familiar monster was oozing its way across the ground towards the Cerinians, dripping bilge and brown-colored muck.

"It-it-it's the creature from the black lagooooon!" another of the Cerinians screamed.

The men ran past Kursed in a blind terror.

"Wh-where are you all going? Hold your ground! Reform your ranks! You kowards!"

Fay giggled from atop their fort. "Haha, aw don't worry, that's just Slippy again. He's covered in goop from the outhouse."

"Your… _outhouse_?" Kursed looked back to Slippy, who continued to stumble his way towards her. "Gods and goddesses, he's kovered in s—t!" She turned tail and raced across the carpet of Cerinians back towards the _Cerinity._

This time the Star Fox team cheered Slippy on, shouting words of encouragement as he rolled his way down the beachhead. By the time Kursed climbed aboard her ship it was already leaving the shore—as well as several desperate Cerinians—behind. They sat down on their rowing benches and tried to position their oars, but could never manage to row in sync with one another, leaving the deck a jumbled mess of paddles.

"We'll be back!" Kursed screeched, shaking her fist at the occupants in the treehouse. "No one thinks degenerate thoughts about me and gets away with it! You kan have your stupid Dildo Rock!"

She stuck her nose in the air and turned her back on Fox. Then, growing curious, she turned her head a little and searched his mind again.

" _Unh_ …"

Her knees grew wobbly and she collapsed on the deck.

Falco's eyes widened. He turned to Katt. "So _that's_ why you took so long coming back from searching the west coast!"

Katt's face flushed beneath her fur. "I-I don't know what you're talking about!"

"And that's also why you never circled the island to meet with Miyu and Fay! If you'd kept going you would've discovered the neck of the peninsula and the way to the mainland! But noooo, you had to stop for a ride on—"

Katt clamped her paws over Falco's beak, locking it shut.

Once the _Cerinity_ sailed out of the lagoon and into the distance Slippy turned back to approach the fort.

"Well guys, I did it! I saved us! Boy I sure scared those blue-furred—"

"Ew!"

"Gross!"

"Stay away!" everyone shouted down at Slippy.

"But I literally just—"

They began to hurl coconuts and building materials down at the poor amphibian.

"Don't come any closer!"

"Stay away from this tree!"

"Slippy, as self-appointed captain of this crew, I _order_ you to take a bath!"

The disheartening comments and projectiles continued to fly at Slippy until he had once again retreated back into the ocean.

Miyu clapped Fox on the shoulder. "Well Fox, you did it! You took charge and fended off both a telepath and an army of strongmen! I for one am proud to be a part of your crew."

"Thanks, Miyu! I promise you all that we _will_ find that treasure before anyone else! Now, please get me something to eat before I start gnawing on your thigh."

"N-now Fox, don't come anywhere near— _AAH leggo!"_

* * *

.🌴.

* * *

 _A/N_ _: This marks the first installment of my new episodic comedy series. In a way it's the spiritual successor to_ Misadventures _, as it continues with the same setup for Star Fox and the same characterization of the team, but will be more formally organized and actually develop a plot! *GASP!* I'm slowly planning out a much larger story, but that's gonna take a lot of time until I'm ready to start publishing or even start writing it. In the meantime I'll add a new episode to this every once in awhile._

 _Also as a general warning, future episodes will have a lot more "mature" humor (let's be honest, it isn't really mature in the slightest). Before ya continue, just know that up ahead is all kinds of crude, raunchy, and irreverent humor. You have been warned!_

 _That's all for the first episode. Leave a review and tell me what you think, even if it's just pointing out a joke you like; I love knowing that someone out there is laughing or at least cares enough to tell me when something makes them absolutely barf._

 _-Elarix_


	3. Battle of the Sexes P1

_Episode 2: Battle of the Sexes (Part 1)_

* * *

.🚻.

* * *

 _*AHEM!* Four and a half months have passed since episode 1 (which in story time is only about a week). The junior members of Star Fox and their vacation guests are still stranded on_ _Frappé Island. With no immediate means of escape, they have instead settled into the treehouse and embraced the island life. With hard work and elbow grease their makeshift shanty has become a comfortable dwelling in which they can wait out the sultry days—which is possibly the most implausible part of this story so far. For the moment, Fox, Falco, Katt, Miyu, Fay, and Slippy subsisted on commodities purchased from the nearby town, but now tensions between the sexes are at a breaking point…_

* * *

Wooden wind chimes clunked together in a faint breeze that swept through the treehouse. Collectively the living room's occupants closed their eyes and sighed as the wind helped evaporate the sweat clinging to their sticky fur. But the breeze vanished just as soon as it came.

Everyone was dressed to beat the heat. Sitting together on the couch (a glorified potato sack stuffed with dried leaves), Fox and Slippy only wore pairs of shorts. While Slippy was decent enough to wear a waifu-beater, Fox went shirtless. Across from them on two chairs salvaged from the shuttle sat Miyu and Fay. They opted to wear swimsuits, with Miyu wearing a baby-blue one piece and Fay wearing a bright yellow bikini and sarong.

The heat was so oppressive that it physically weighed on them like a blanket, or maybe a straight jacket (not that I know what one feels like, of-of course!). Fox lay splayed out on the couch, fanning himself with a broad leaf he snagged from the outside foliage. A fan swung in lazy circles above them, though it accomplished little but blow more hot air on them.

Suddenly a frustrated growl came from the one bathroom they shared.

" _ErrrrrGRAH!"_

Katt stormed out with the toilet-seat cover in hand. She was similarly dressed as light as possible while still being decent, wearing a lime-green bikini bottom and white t-shirt.

"Which one of you clumsy lamebrains left the toilet seat up again?!"

The fire in her eyes and the claw marks on the dismembered seat cover told the boys she was ready to strangle one of them.

"Well?!" she snapped.

The vulpine flinched, cowering as if he expected her to throw the cover at him. "Hey, it wasn't me!"

"M-m-m-m-m-m-"

"Slippy, you stutter once more and this cover goes around your throat."

"-Me neither! I didn't leave it open," he finally managed to squeak out.

Katt whirled around to face the girls, becoming a blur of pink, green, and white. "Do _you_ know who did it?"

Miyu shrugged while Fay cried out, "It wasn't me, it wasn't _meeee!_ "

The lynx's brow wrinkled as she glanced at Fay. "Well I should hope not."

Katt snapped her fingers. "Then it must've been Falco! Of course it's that hotheaded douche-canoe. When I get through with him…"

The pink-furred feline stormed over to Falco's room and grabbed his door knob. "Falco Lombardi you come out of there!"

Without even knocking she ripped the door open, but was greeted by an avalanche of Blue Steer cans instead. Once she was completely buried in empty energy drinks Falco slid stomach-first down the slope. "Heyyyyyy who summoned the big blue party condor?"

A pink arm broke through the surface and grasped for any sort of handhold it could find before pulling the rest of her body up. "Ugh! Your room is a fire-hazard," Katt spluttered.

"Any room's a fire-hazard when these guns are in 'em!" Falco kissed both of his biceps while flexing.

Slippy's timid voice began, "Actually this entire treehouse is just waiting for the wind to blow the wrong way and knock one of our tiki torches onto—"

"Enough!" Katt bellowed. She shoved the toilet seat cover in Falco's face. "What do you have to say about this?!"

"Well that's just awful. Someone broke the seat cover off!"

Fox had to try hard to suppress a laugh, but a rogue snort escaped his nostrils.

Katt clenched her fists and closed her eyes, trying to control herself. She asked in a dangerously calm voice, "Falco, someone left this seat up. Was it you?"

"I don't see how that's your biggest concern when someone ripped it clear off the hinges!"

"YES FALCO I RIPPED IT OFF THE HINGES!" Katt exploded in his face. "Now _did_ you or did you _not_ leave it up?!"

"Of course I left it up," Falco admitted. "Is that a problem?"

"'Is that a problem?'" Katt mocked with a deep, dumb voice. "Of course it's a problem! Unlike you I have to sit to do my business, so I always have to put it back down."

"Geez Katt, I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this."

"It's precisely _because_ it's such a little thing that I'm making a big deal out of it."

Falco scratched his head and stared at her for a moment. "…What?"

"Falco, please. Is it really such a hassle to put the seat cover down when you're done using the bathroom? It's such a little thing to ask, why can't you just do it?"

"Iiiiiif it's such a little thing to ask, why ask it in the first place?"

Katt rolled her eyes. "Oh there you go again Falco, always turning everything back on me."

"No really, it's a legitimate—"

While they argued the four innocent by-sitters turned their heads back and forth, as if watching a tennis match.

"Falco, do you not understand? I. Am. A. Woman! My furry little ass needs to sit on this cover. Us girls would literally fall in without this seat."

Falco scratched the underside of his beak, thinking about it. "Well, okay… as long as you put the seat back up when _you're_ done using it."

"What? Why should I have to do that? You do it out of _courtesy_ for me."

"It's only fair!"

"Why can't you be more like Slippy?" Katt pointed at the green little cherub, who clasped his hands and fanned his eyelashes. "He always leaves it down."

Falco turned on the amphibian. "TRAITOR!"

At this point Katt exploded again, hurling the seat cover across the room and forcing Slippy and Fox to duck.

"Oh shut it! I've HAD IT! This is the last straw! Miyu, Fay, and I are the only people keeping this treehouse from looking like a dump-heap. All of us built this together with our sweat and tears, yet you treat it like a pigpen. You don't clean the bathrooms, you hoard empty cans of energy drink in your room, and you always mix the darks and the lights when you do laundry."

Falco looked shocked. "You mean you're not supposed to mix the darks and the lights?"

"ARRR!" Katt began pacing around the room. "And another thing, I don't want to be _that girl_ , but there is a plague of sexism on the rise among certain occupants of this treehouse."

Fox looked up in fear. "I'm sorry Katt, but there's nothing I can do about the AC. I can't control the tropical climate."

"Oh it's not that blatant," Katt assured him. "It's more of a subtle cultural attitude that's just as insidious."

The todd looked at her sheepishly. "Whaaat do you mean?"

The feline slammed her fist down on the couch's armrest. "It's the double standard between the male and female nipple."

Falco hid his head in his wing. "Oh boy, here she goes again."

Katt gestured about the room. "If you haven't noticed, we're in a regular heatwave? Hello? You guys can strut around with your pecs wavin' in the breeze, but us women have to stay covered. Like, what's up with that?"

Fox scratched his head, taking stock of everyone's clothing. "Gee, I've always just assumed it was normal. I've never really asked why though."

"Oh don't be fooled Fox," Falco chided him. "Women have to cover up because tiddies are hot and shouldn't be shown in public."

Katt pointed an accusatory finger. "See, another double standard! You don't think we find male abs attractive? I'll have you know Fay is wearing a sarong so you don't see her wet panties—wet from staring at Fox's pecs all day!"

Fay straightened her sarong. "N-no they're not!"

"And why are breasts used to sell everything from sports hovercars to sponge-sharpeners, yet women aren't even allowed to breastfeed in public?"

"Because one's hot and the other is gross," Falco stated.

"And there aren't any differences between male and female nipples!" Katt continued. "But for some reason, men are sooo unable to control their hormones around women that _we_ have to pay the price and can't walk around shirtless. Honestly, if I could go topless I'd be so much cooler and so much less disagreeable to the point where _maybe_ I wouldn't throw a tantrum when I find Falco left the toilet seat up for the hundredth time. See, I'll prove it!"

"Oh, no, please!"

The boys held their hands up to their faces, but Katt merely walked out of the room. She re-entered wheeling a cork board easel with photographs tacked to it.

"I present to you Exhibit A). I have here up-close photographs of all of our nipples."

"What?" Falco narrowed his eyes. "When did you even get a photograph of my—"

Katt ignored him. "I want you to _prove_ to me that there is any qualitative difference. You can't even tell whether these are male or female!"

"Sure I can," Fox pointed out. "You can tell by the surrounding area. Falco's has feather's and Slippy's is kinda leathery. This nipple here is surrounded by pink fur, so it must be yours. This is rather tannish so it's Miyu's, and Fay's is snow whi—"

Before he could continue Miyu and Fay screamed. They leapt from their seats to cover the series of photographs and wheeled the cork board out of the room.

"Still," the feline continued, "I maintain there are _no_ discernible differences between male and female nipples—and it doesn't count that you can recognize our fur!"

"Of course there are differences," Slippy said.

All eyes turned to him.

The frog held a smug pose, arms crossed behind his head and feet kicked up on the coffee table.

"The female [REDACTED] has a larger and lighter-pigmented [REDACTED]. While male and female nipples have the same number of nerve endings, women have more hormones in the area, resulting in more arousal when stimulated. Breasts are also a sign of sexual maturity in women, and are therefore attractive based on evolutionary programming in males. Additionally, the female breast can lactate while a man's cannot."

Katt opened her mouth to respond but couldn't think of anything. She hadn't expected such a succinct, scientific response on such short notice.

"O-oh yeah? I'll have _you_ lactating when I'm through with you!"

"Aw lay off him," Falco said in Slippy's defense. "If you want these double standards to end you better be prepared to kiss me leaving the toilet seat down or holding doors open goodbye. People like you always complain when—wait a minute…" Falco slapped a wing over his face. "What am I saying? Of course you can go topless!"

Falco turned and whispered to Fox, _"This will be awesome! They're all gonna walk around half-naked and we'll be living in tit-paradise!"_

Katt was surprised by his sudden about-face. "Huh?"

"End the double standard!" Falco declared at the top of his lungs. "No more bras! #TeamFreeTheNip forever! YAHOOO!"

"Ugh, you are disgusting!" Katt exclaimed, suddenly crossing her arms over her chest and turning away from Falco.

"Yeah, what is wrong with you?" Fay asked, doing likewise.

"You just want to leer at our breasts you pervert!"

Falco snapped his fingers, genuinely disappointed.

"Look," Fox pointed out, "Slippy's wearing a shirt. Falco doesn't have nipples, so he's not harming anyone. I'm the only one with male nipple privilege, so I'll just give it up and put on a shirt. I think that'll solve everything."

"Wait, Falco doesn't have nipples?!" Fay gasped, staring at Falco's chest anew. "How do you nurse your young?"

Falco indignantly crossed his arms and _harrumphed._ " _I'm_ not the one who suckles my babies, thank you very much!"

Fay shook her head. "No, I mean, how do your women feed your babies if they don't have breasts?"

"Our women _vomit_ , Fay. They eat a BIIIG meal of birdseed and insects and worms—big enough to feed four or five kids. Then they regurgitate it _aaaall_ back up into the waiting mouths of their hungry children—partially digested in stomach acid, chewed-up, and mashed together like it's that giant bolus of food you have to scrap out of your garbage disposal when it gets clogged after five years."

Fay wasn't taking the news too well. Her hand drifted to her exposed stomach, and her face turned as green as Katt's thong. She seemed to sway unsteadily in her chair. But Falco wouldn't relent.

"You mammalian species have it easy. All this crying and bitching about, "oh, I want to breastfeed my baby in public! It's completely natural!" Oh yeah? Well imagine being a bird and having to watch grown women vomit up their McDonalds into their kids' mouths while you're out for your evening jog. Sounds _real_ sexy, no? They're even lobbying to do it in Bird Congress! Can you imagine that? Like this cockatiel lady gets up on the podium with her six-month-old chick in her arms and is all like, "Hello fellow senators, I'd like to direct your attention to HR 133 paragraph 34, which states that taxpayers _BLEUAGHEABLEAUGHL!_ Whew, excuse me, just feeding my son," while wiping a strand of barf off her face—"

This proved to be too much for Fay, who had to cover her mouth. She shot to her feet and ran to the side of the treehouse before disgorging her breakfast over the railing.

"—See Fay you've got it! You'd make a great bird mom someday!"

"Well let me put it this way." Katt crossed her arms and adopted a smug look. "Whose fault is it that we were marooned on this island anyway?"

Miyu snapped her fingers. "The boys'!"

"Precisely!" Katt extended an accusatory finger. " _You_ got the bright idea that we should all come down to Fap Island for spring vacation."

"—Frappé Island!" Fox interjected.

"Whatever. My point is it was you all who got us into this mess, and now you're making us pay the price. Well I've _had it!_ You haven't left any room for compromise, nor have you done anything to address our complaints." She walked to her room to get something while everyone exchanged worried glances. Last time she had produced something from her room it didn't end well, but when the feline returned this time she was carrying a roll of silver duct tape.

"Is that to fix the toilet seat?" Falco asked.

Katt ignored him and began unwinding the tape. She walked down the center of the living room, creating a partition of tape that roughly divided the room in two. The girl's quarters were on one side while the guy's were on the other. When she reached the end of the room she rolled the tape three times around Falco's beak for good measure. The avian just stood and took it, blinking.

Katt ripped off the tape and dusted her hands clean. "There! It's done."

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Fay screamed, cradling her head.

"What is the meaning of this?" Fox shot to his feet.

"We, the female occupants of this glorified treehouse, have decided we will no longer abide by your rules."

Fay looked surprised. "We have?" But after Miyu elbowed her in the ribs she coughed out, "Oh right we have, we have!"

"To ensure we are treated equally I have separated the treehouse into two halves. You have the rights to everything on your half, and we have the rights to everything on your half."

Slippy clapped his hands and exclaimed, "Sweet!" while Falco silently pumped his fist.

"I don't know what you'll do on your half, but on our side the toilet seat stays _down!_ The bras can come _off!_ And the rooms can stay _clean!"_

Miyu and Fay both erupted in applause, high-fiving one another.

"Woohoo!" Slippy cheered. "Does that mean I can take my shirt off too?"

" _ **NO!"**_

Slippy jumped in his seat from how fast the notion was shot down. When he settled back in place he said, "Well, at least we can leave the toilet seat up."

 _RIIIIIIP_

" _AIEEEEGHHH!"_

Falco flung the duct tape off and dashed into the center of the room. "That's where you're wrong, bucko. You call this fair?! We don't even _have_ a toilet! The bathroom's on _their_ side!"

Katt scratched her chin and pretended to stare thoughtfully into space. "Yeah, how 'bout that?"

Miyu stood up and joined the group at the border. "I don't see what you're complaining about. You can just use the outhouse. _That's_ on your side."

Falco spread his wings. "Do you remember the cannonball? The outhouse is still lying on its side in the jungle somewhere!"

Miyu crossed her arms. "God gave you aimable urine. Get creative in there."

Slippy clenched his fists. "It'll be like playing _64_!"

"Psh, you mean _Zero_ with shitty gyro controls."

"You can go in the ocean for all I care," Katt said while waving a paw.

"Aw hell yeah!" Falco exclaimed, "Your half is down-current from us!"

"No… no, this is awful!" Fox groaned. "This can't happen. We need to work _together_ to escape Aquas." He gestured outside to where the beginnings of their ship stood. Work on the boat had stalled since they focused on making the treehouse comfortable. Right now the ship was little more than a skeletal hull constructed from pieces salvaged from the sunken transport, supplies purchased from town, and wood they had gathered from further inland. "If we split up like this our ticket off the island will never be finished!"

"Nuh-uh," Katt stubbornly said. "That's just another one of your efforts to keep us subjugated. We will not tolerate male tyranny!"

While the girls cheered Fox slapped a paw over his face. "Why'd it have to come to this…"

Falco sidled up to him. "Well it ain't _too_ bad, Fox. At least we get to see tiddies all day… long…"

The bird trailed off when he noticed the girls stringing a rope across the living room, upon which they hung makeshift curtains and sheets.

Before they were completely walled off, Katt poked her head back through. "No peeking, either! That would involve you viewing light that crossed over from our side, which you don't own!"

Falco's shoulders drooped. "Aw maaan."

"Ha, they couldn't last one minute without us men!" Slippy boasted. "Let them have their little hippie commune. I bet you they won't last a _day_ without coming crawling back to us to open a jar of pickles or something."

Falco brightened. "You're right. This is our chance to prove once and for all the male sex is superior!"

" _Your chauvinistic soundwaves are crossing the border!"_ Miyu's voice came muffled from the other side of the curtain.

"I don't recall sound being against the rules, so good luck blocking _that_ out."

"Nyeh!" Slippy added for good measure.

While Falco and Slippy danced in celebration, Fox slouched down on their couch and crossed his arms.

"I'm surrounded by third-grade manchilds…"

* * *

A few minutes later found everyone settling into their respective sides. All seemed quiet from the boy's half—almost eerily so, but the girls enjoyed their relative freedom.

"Wooo!" Katt tore off her t-shirt and tossed it in the air like a graduation cap, leaving herself only dressed in a green bikini bottom. "Glad that's finally off and these big girls can breathe!"

Miyu had a harder time since she wore a one piece. She had to slip the straps off her shoulders and roll the front down below her midriff. When she was finished she took in a large breath, chest heaving. "Ahhh! I'm cooling off already."

Together they plopped into the two shuttle seats that usually faced the sofa, but now they only faced the dividing curtains. Not exactly a thrilling view.

They looked expectantly back at Fay, who had seated herself precariously on the railing.

"Uh… you know I feel quite comfortable right now!" she squeaked out.

"That's fine Fay," Katt assured her. "Don't wanna pressure you into anything."

The girls fell silent, awkwardly sitting in their… half-nakedness. They listened attentively for any noises from the other side of the treehouse, but only heard the crashing of the waves outside. The sun continued to beat down on them, and before long their exposed fur glistened with sweat.

Slowly Fay slid off the railing and tiptoed over to the curtain, trying to do so without Katt noticing. But to her terror the pink-furred feline noticed at the last second before she crossed the line.

"No purpling Fay!"

The spaniel jumped. "Oh! I-I was just going to see Fox about some-s-something."

Katt cocked her head. "Oh? And whatever would you need a boy for?"

Fay wrung her hands behind her back, looking sheepish. "There was some food up on the top shelf that I couldn't reach, and I was wondering if Fox could—"

"Well, forget it. Miyu's taller than Fox anyway. She can get it."

Fay slunk back over to the railing. "No, that's okay. I don't need it."

"What was it?" Miyu asked out of boredom.

Fay pouted, sticking out her lower lip. "A big fat can of Fox's biceps when he reaches for something."

"Weeeak," Katt teased.

And with that they sank into another prolonged silence.

"So… what do we talk about?" Miyu asked.

"Let's talk about _boyz!"_ Fay blurted out.

"Ugh, can't you forget them for one second, Fay?" Katt chided with a disappointed expression

The spaniel's ears drooped. "Sorry, it's just kinda… slow around here without them."

"They do have all the beer," Miyu pointed out. "And the Blue Steer… and the games…"

"So? At least we're not hyperactive drunk nerds. Besides, it's so much fun not having to wear clothes."

"Oh yes, very fun," Miyu staunchly agreed. "So fun I keep feeling the urge to bring it up."

"Well you don't have to be sarcastic about it."

"No really, I think Fay's onto something. This _should_ be exciting and liberating, but it's not. It's almost like… like without societal boundaries it's just not as fun. Unless we treat nudity as taboo it loses its appeal. What's the point of streaking if it's legal? Know what I'm saying?"

Katt chewed Miyu's words for a minute, her brow furrowed. "Nah, you still have reductionist male-centric thinking. Nudity is just a social construct, and we don't need men to have fun naked."

Katt slouched down in her chair, a look of contentment on her face. But it soon faded away. She began fidgeting—finding little things to do. First she shifted in her seat, then drummed her fingers on the armrest. She held her hand up to her face and scrutinized her nails, then absently filed one. But nothing seemed to keep her attentive for long.

Slowly the feline rose from her seat. She walked right up to the border wall of sheets and halted. She planted her feet firmly, placed her hands on her hips, and puffed out her chest. Her brow narrowed and she stared aggressively at the curtain, as if willing her eyes to burn a hole through it.

Katt was only met with maddening silence.

"JUST PEEK ALREADY!" she exploded.

Finally they heard a single, solitary noise from the boys' half of the treehouse, and it spoke volumes.

It was the sound of the toilet seat cover slamming up. And they didn't even have a toilet to go with it.

"Ugh!" Katt spun around. "Miyu, we need to have a tit-a-tit!"

The lynx panicked and covered her breasts with an elbow. "You know, I don't like the sound of that when neither of us are wearing—oh you mean a tête-à-tête?"

"Yeah! Wh-whatever it is. God I hate to think how many times I've said that wrong in public…"

The feline stepped over the coffee table and sat on the edge facing Miyu. She leaned in close while lowering her voice. "Look, we need a plan. The future of the female sex is riding on our shoulders. How can we get one of this bumbling hormonal bozos to cross that line?"

Miyu adopted a Cheshire grin. "Why we use our feminine wiles, of course."

Fay joined their little pow-wow. "You mean we bake them cookies?"

"No," the lynx said. "We step up our game."

She cleared her throat and spoke in a suspiciously loud voice. "Whoa Fay! I know it's hot in here, but you didn't have to go _that_ far!"

Fay raised an eyebrow and tilted her head. "Huh?"

"Shh! Just give me your thong!"

The canine's face flushed. "What?!"

But Miyu had already untied the knot and whipped it from her waist. Fay let out a little "Eep!" before adjusting her sarong back into place. Miyu swung the bright yellow bikini bottom over the top of the divider, letting it hang there enticingly.

"Yeah Fay, you might have the right idea!" Katt said loud enough for the entire lagoon to hear. "Now that the boys can't see us there's really no reason to wear clothes at all!" She pulled her T-shirt back on and slipped off her bottom, just in case one of the boys did actually look. She draped her lime-green thong over the curtains beside Fay's.

Together Katt and Miyu began posing in various provocative stances, conscious that the sun would illuminate their silhouettes for whoever was on the other side of the curtain.

"Gee, I sure hope the boys don't choose this exact moment to peep on us!" Katt nearly shouted. "If they did they'd catch us _completely_ naked!"

To their elation they heard a pair of footsteps approaching the other side of the curtains. Next came the sound of clothes rustling, and Slippy's black shorts swung over the partition to hang beside theirs.

" _AAAAAAHHHH—"_

* * *

Thus began Phase Three. For maximum allure the girls agreed to go skinny-dipping on their half of the island—and to their credit, it nearly worked. Hearing of their plans, Falco boasted the guys would host their own "naturist" party. Reluctantly they left the treehouse and took to their side of the island—the eastern shore, where they sat naked among the waves. Yet while the girls were comfortable around each other in their fur, Fox, Falco, and Slippy all sat hundreds of feet apart, their backs turned. Once in awhile the surf would rush up onto the shore, prompting them to wince horribly and shiver. All in all they were cold, dejected, alone…

And bored.

The east and west shores were divided by the lagoon bay, across which they could hear the girls shrieking and laughing as they played in the water together. Yet the sandy elevations and underbrush on each bank conspired to keep them apart.

Falco cleared his voice and shouted across the beach at Fox. "How's the water over there, Fox?!"

"Eh? Whaaaat?!" the vulpine shouted back.

Falco rolled his eyes. "I said, how's the water?"

"Oh! It's wet!"

Falco closed his beak and went back to staring out over the ocean. _I don't know what I expected._

"Blah-blah wah-wah blah!" Slippy's distant voice came from Falco's left.

"Can't hear you Slip!"

The amphibian repeated louder, "Water itself is not wet; it imbues other things with the attribute of wetness!"

"What did he say?!" Fox asked, still unable to hear Slippy from the other side of Falco.

Falco translated for him, "Some real f#$&ed-up shit!"

" _No Miyu! Stop it, that tickles!"_ Fay squealed while uncontrollably giggling.

Before long their boredom and male curiosity got the better of them. Making sure to stay waist-deep in the water, they crept closer and closer to the mouth of the lagoon, trying to make out what was transpiring around the bend. Eventually they drew within earshot of one another.

"Do you think any of the girls are… you know… gay?" Falco thought aloud.

Slippy scratched his blubbery chin. "I could see Katt going for some side action. She always seems to be pushing boundaries with them."

Falco waved a wing. "Nawww, not Katt. I know for a fact she's hungry for bird c#$%!"

Slippy's eyes bulged. "Did you just say 'bird c#$t?'"

"Nooo! C#$k, you moron."

"Okay, it was just, there were several words that could have been and the majority implied female—"

"Besides," Falco interrupted him, "If anyone it'd be Miyu and Fay. That's a pair if ever I saw one, and you always find them together at the Academy."

"Ugh, you're both naïve idiots," Fox said, shaking his head in distaste. "Women are just naturally more touchy-feely than men. Don't read too much into the sexual undertones. Besides, anyone who ships any of these girls is deluded by immature views of sexuality. For instance, the notion that women are dirty if they have relations with men, but somehow remain virginal and pure if they sleep around with other women. Not only that, but it's creepy and exploitative wish fulfillment akin to fetishization. It'll never come true in real life. It's all just a childish fantasy and I hope you two are disillusioned one day."

Falco and Slippy looked ashamed after their leader's rebuke. They crouched deeper into the water and cast their gazes down.

"I'm sorry Fox," the avian mumbled. "It's just being cooped up on this island so long while deprived of female intimacy is really getting to me! I'm desperate!"

Fox crossed his arms, towering over them. "It's been less than an hour Falco. You _should_ be ashamed. Try to find a more realistic ideal of a woman. Like that hot Cerinian Princess who wears scanty clothes and secretly likes all the dirty things I think about doing to her in my head!" The vulpine's jaw hung limp as he stared dreamily into the horizon.

 _"Ohhh,"_ Slippy breathed in realization, "And you think talk like that will get you laid faster?"

"Precisely."

Falco slapped the water, sending up a splash. "Oh I can't stand it any longer! I'm running over there to watch those nymphs bathe and there's nothing you can do to stop me!"

The avian took off, trying to sprint through the water, but he had to comically raise each leg one-by-one in a sort of goose-step to get anywhere.

"NO!"

Slippy and Fox grabbed his elbows and held him back. The three struggled in the waves, kicking up a storm of splashes.

"Stay strong Falco. Remember the bet!" Slippy reminded him.

"I can' help it! I need female companionship!"

"You don't need women. Play more video games!"

"It's-it's not the same!"

"Then try sublimation!"

Confuzzled, Falco turned to look at Fox.

"What's sublimation, and where did you get those spectacles and silly black beard from?"

"Sublimation is the process of releasing sexual tension or other negative desires through positive hobbies," Fox explained.

Falco looked at him skeptically. "You mean I can get off while constructing model airplanes?"

"No, but we can put our frustrations to good use. Now group huddle!"

The three stood in a circle and interlocked their arms. Slippy had to stand higher up in the shallows for it to work.

"I say we channel our desires into finishing the ship," Fox suggested. "Once we have it finished the girls will _have_ to come back to us, or else they won't be able to escape the island."

"That's brilliant!" Slippy exclaimed.

"This could work! Let's get our trunks and head to the lagoon."

They dressed quickly and rushed to the ship's construction site… only to meet the girls running towards the ship as well.

"Oh no you don't!" Katt said when the two groups collided at the middle. "We've split everything equally, and that includes the ship."

"But it's clearly on our side!" Fox argued, pointing up at the treehouse and the divider within.

Miyu placed her hands on her hips. "Ha! We knew you'd try to pull a stunt like this: subjectively arguing over the extent of the original line."

Katt waved the roll of duct tape from before. "That's why we took the liberty of demarcating the line further."

The boys' faces fell as they traced the silver line of tape down from the treehouse to the ship.

Slippy shook his head. "Nope, anyone can see that's horribly crooked. You _clearly_ took a 30-degree turn at that last palm tree."

"Oh-ho Slippy, I expected better from you. You have a truly limited mind if you can only operate with perfect geometry. Your neat little world of idyllic shapes and angles doesn't exist anywhere outside of a textbook. Unfortunately for your pea-sized brain, real world geometry is non-Euclidean!"

"Wat?!" Falco asked. "What kinda bullshit is—"

But Slippy held up a hand. "No-no, she's right. Real world spacetime is bent. I'm afraid she's got us there."

Fox nearly tore his hair out. "What?! But… Come on! Why do you have to do this? This is going to set our escape back even further! You can't expect us to build _two_ ships with this amount of materials."

"Shame on you, using our means of escape as a tool to make us surrender!"

"Yeah!" Fay brandished a fist, finally getting into it. "We'll build a bigger and better-er ship than yours will ever be!"

The two teams set to work collecting parts. Fox watched helplessly as the ship they had worked together on was mercilessly torn apart. The girls managed to snag the only functioning engine, which meant all the guys could do was row and pray for wind. Katt, Miyu, and Fay made off like bandits with the rest of the parts, dragging them out of sight around the lip of the lagoon.

The vulpine's eyes narrowed as he watched them go.

"Well, this is it then. It's _war_."

* * *

A few hours later found the girls' ship nearly complete. Since they had divided the materials more or less evenly, their boat turned out half as large as it could have been if they'd combined their efforts. In fact it wasn't much bigger than a rowboat, but at least they drew the line crooked enough to grab the only engine.

"Girls, I'm proud of you!" Katt beamed while surveying their handiwork. "Now all that's left is a name."

Miyu scratched her chin thoughtfully. "I've got it: _The_ _Feline Fatale!"_

"Ooh I like it," Katt agreed. "It's an alliteration, so it's automatically good."

While the two cats high-fived, Fay stood to the side dejectedly. "Yeah, almost perfect…"

"Awww we forgot about Fay," Miyu realized.

"Don't worry. We'll make you an honorary feline."

The spaniel's tail began to wag. " _R-really_?!"

"For realsies," Katt said as she patted her back. "I've got a good feeling about this."

Fay and Katt laughed together and bumped hips, but Miyu noticed something in the distance. She shaded her eyes with a paw and peered beneath the gray wall of storm-clouds approaching the island. A black longboat with azure sails was approaching.

"Hey, we've got company…" she warned her companions.

"Is that the _Sea Pickle?"_ Fay asked with wide eyes.

"No, you're thinking of the " _Cerinity_ "—and this one's too small."

As the ship drew closer to the shore they were able to make out Kaptain Kursed at the prow, gracefully waving a white flag.

"I don't think she's coming to attack this time…"

Even from this distance the girls were able to make out Kursed's mischievous grin.

* * *

"I say we name it _Mydic!_ " Falco proclaimed from atop the prow.

Fox face-palmed. _"NO."_

"What? How come?!"

The vulpine crossed his arms. "Because as soon as we get into a fight you're just gonna yell out phrases like, " _Mydic_ is ramming them!" and, "They're boarding _Mydic_!" You're so goddamn predictable."

Falco gestured at Slippy, who was still soldering some hull pieces together. "It's better than what _he_ came up with. _The Incel's Vengeance."_

"Hey, I said just _The Vengeance!"_

"As far as I'm concerned they're both awful," Fox stated. "We've been arguing about a name all afternoon. We're calling it the _Sea Fox_ and that's final."

Falco rolled his eyes. "Ugh, you're no fun." He jumped down and began sloppily painting the letters on the side of the hull.

Fox's eyes widened when he looked out to the mouth of the lagoon. On the wings of a storm sailed…

"Oh crap, they're here!"

"What? Already?"

"We spent too much time arguing about the name instead of working on our damn boat. Slippy, is she seaworthy?"

"Most definitely not Captain Fox!"

"Alright let's go!"

Together they threw their shoulders against the stern and pushed the mere skeleton of a ship off the shore. It floated…barely.

"Watch it, they're coming around!" Falco warned from the prow.

Fox spun the wheel so that the _Sea Fox_ began circling the lagoon opposite the women's ship. The storm clouds finally reached the island, casting a dull gray shadow over the combatants. The wind picked up, ruffling clothes, fur, and feathers alike. Overhead the clouds began to circle in a menacing vortex, with flashes of lightning and peals of thunder sprinkled in for good measure.

From across the lagoon Katt yelled, "You call that sorry pile of scrap a _ship_? Surrender now before it sinks out from under you!"

"Ha! We perfectly portioned our supplies so we could have both a seaworthy vessel _and_ a secret weapon! We _are_ watertight, aren't we Slip?"

" _Yeah,"_ Slippy wheezed while scooping bucket after bucket of seawater out from the deck.

"Secret weapon?" Katt asked with a twinge of worry. "Are you serious?"

"You bet I am. Alright Falco; show me what you got!" Fox ordered.

The avian saluted. "Yes Captain!" Wiggling his feathers, he pressed a button on his smartphone.

On the shore stood a large frame about the size of a bus. When Falco hit the button the tarp concealing the stage dramatically unfurled, revealing an array of man-sized letters crudely fashioned from the left-over ship parts.

Everyone—including Fox and Slippy—squinted at the letters.

" _Get back in the kitchen…?"_ Katt read aloud. "Seriously?! Is that the best you could do?!"

Falco chuckled. "Huh-huh, it's great, ain't it?"

Fox left the wheel and began ringing Falco's neck. " _You wasted three-quarters of our ship materials for THAT?!"_

The pheasant choked out, "The psychological advantage alone will be worthACK—"

Meanwhile the girls had died laughing on their ship. "I can't believe you wasted so much time and garbage on that!" Miyu gasped out. "You really are pathetic!"

"Wait till you get a load of _our_ secret weapon!" Katt growled. "Fay, release the Misogyo-Buster!"

"Meow!" came Fay's reply from the front of the ship.

Fox looked confused. "Wait, why is Fay wearing cat ears?"

Fay held her paws cocked at an angle to mimic a house pet. She licked one of them innocently. "Because Fay is a purr-fect feline now! Me-yow!" Before Fox could inquire further she whipped a tarp off the ship's bow, revealing—

"Holy mackerel is that an _actual_ cannon?!" Falco exclaimed.

Katt pointed dramatically at the letters constructed on the shore. "Fire on that sexist phrase!"

Fay bit her tongue and closed an eye while positioning the cannon. Finally she pulled the trigger cord, which caused a powerful _BOOM_ to shake the entire lagoon. She saluted and cheered, "Meow-sogyny busted!"

The cannonball sailed across the water… and took out the right left half of their treehouse.

"FAY WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?" Katt screamed as furniture and splinters of boards rained onto the shore.

The honorary feline covered her mouth with a paw.

"Where did you even get a cannon like that on such short notice?" Fox asked. "Unless…" He gasped. "You colluded with those Cerinians didn't you?"

Katt crossed her arms. "Yeah, so? Of course the Kaptain is on our side. She's a woman too. And she has the perfect model for how a matriarchal society should work!"

"Can't you see? She's trying to turn us against each other. She wants to destroy us from the inside out! She only aided you so that we'd _both_ fail, and then she'd swoop in to claim our island and Dildo Rock when we're at our weakest! Worse than that you didn't get her numBLUBBLUBBLUB!"

Fox was cut off when their ship finally sank into the lagoon, coming to rest beside the sunken transport from last episode. What? It was four months ago and no one remembers? Okay, I see how it is.

"I'm sorry Fox," Slippy spluttered while treading water. "I did my best but my arms gave out. We didn't have enough materials after Falco… you know…"

Miyu gunned the _Feline Fatale's_ engine, and the ship puttered over to the three floating castaways. Katt moved to the front of the ship and set her foot on the prow, leaning over the side and grinning down at them. Fay joined her, carrying a large inflatable innertube that could conceivably double as a sort of life-preserver.

"Admit defeat, and we will hoist you up!"

"Never!" Falco spat as he shook his fist. "You haven't defeated us yet! You've only converted our ship into a submarine…"

"Fine! Be that way. Miyu: get the super-soakers. Seems they haven't had enough water yet."

But at that moment the clouds above them burst, dousing both parties in rain.

"Will that really make a difference now?" Fox asked.

Suddenly the _Feline Fatale_ began to bow and buck. The lagoon which was normally so peaceful became choppy and violent. Waves broke against the outside shore, and gray angry surf rose up to a dozen feet in the air.

"That's an awful-looking storm," Fay murmured.

Fox was even more worried. "Quick, let's get out of here! Make for the treehouse!"

But it was too late. The storm was at its crescendo now, and wave after wave forced its way into the lagoon. Finally the _Feline Fatale_ capsized, and the girls fell screaming into the water. It was a struggle just to keep their heads above water, but every time they crested the top of a wave they realized the storm was sweeping them further out to sea.

In the chaos Fox found himself floating closer towards Fay and her yellow innertube. He looped his arm through the middle and held onto it firmly, then grabbed Fay's hand and pulled her closer.

"Fay, hang on! Hang—!"

* * *

 _Tune in next week for Part 2…_


	4. Battle of the Sexes P2

_Episode 2: Battle of the Sexes (Part 2)_

* * *

.≋≋≋≋≋≋≋ ≋≋≋≋≋≋≋.

* * *

 _Month_ ◯ _Day_ X

 _I don't know how long it's been since the storm tore my crew apart, nor since it divided our enemies and capsized their ship. I lost track of the passage of time during the turbulent chaos. All I could manage was to hold onto that inflatable pool toy with an iron grip, as well as the spaniel who seemed least infatuated with our enemies' cause. A lesser man would have let go, buffeted relentlessly by waves and howling wind. But not I._

 _I, Fox McCloud Jr., have washed up on the shore of yet another uninhabited island. At least…until I decide to look around and inevitably find a populated resort around the next cape, in which case I will be more disappointed and ashamed than if I had indeed found it deserted. But for the moment I have other concerns in front of me._

 _A wise man named Maslow once said that man's needs have a set order to them. They form a pyramid, with the most immediate needs at the base, and the most intangible at the top. One must first achieve the physiological needs: food, water, and shelter. Second, personal security and emotional stability. Third and fourth are intimacy and recognition by others. These seem improbable at this time. I was marooned once and had the chance to find social belonging with friends_ _—nay, people I called family_ _. That didn't end well. In fact it's why I ended up here. Now I've squandered that chance completely. It is unlikely I will ever meet another living being again, so I must achieve self-actualization, the top of the pyramid of needs, on my own._

 _The going will be tough, but as my father would say—_

Fox flung the pen and soggy notebook against the rocks. "Oh goddammit I've already run out of ink! What's the point of living on an island for the rest of your life if you can't chronicle your day-to-day hardships, ingenuities, victories, and slow descent into insanity!"

He plopped down on the rock, crossing his arms and pouting while staring out over the waves. He sighed. _The ocean giveth, and the ocean taketh awayeth._

"Hel… hellooo?"

Fox's ear twitched. He grabbed the pen and managed to get the ballpoint rolling again.

 _I have been awake for less than ten minutes on this island and I am already hearing voices in my head. The last interaction I had with another intelligent creature—and_ intelligent _would be a stretch—was with the student pilot Fay Spaniel. I managed to save her from the jowls of the storm, but while floating in the frothing seas I eventually lost consciousness. When I awoke the girl and innertube were both gone. I have no choice but to believe they were tragically lost at sea—_

"Is anyone there?"

 _Strange, it sounds vaguely like the girl's voice, but that must be because of the aforementioned events. I just have her on my mind right—_

"YEAGH!" Fox jumped to his feet when a nearby palm tree rustled. "Who are you?! Show yourself!"

"Is that you Fox?" the timid voice came again.

Fox's eyes swept the grove of trees left and right, but he couldn't spot anyone. "F-Fay? You made it? But where are you? You're… you're not an invisible ghost are you?! Or a figment of my imagination come to torment me?!"

"I'm… I'm up here…" she squeaked.

Fox looked up… then immediately slapped a hand over his face.

"No, my mind could never have made up something like this. Reality once again proves much worse."

"Hey, I'm right here you know," Fay whimpered.

Roughly fifteen feet above his head, Fay's body was lodged halfway through the same yellow innertube they'd both washed away in—which itself was stuck between two leafy fronds of a palm tree.

"Fay… how in Lylat did this happen?"

The spaniel kicked her legs in frustration, but the innertube didn't budge. "I don't know! Things like this always seem to happen to me." Suddenly Fay's eyes widened and she tried to reach around the innertube for something. Unfortunately her arms were too short to reach all the way, and her fingers grasped in futility. "Fox, I can't feel the other half of my swimsuit!"

"Oh-ho god it gets worse."

"No really! I don't think I have my bikini bottom anymore! I must have lost it in the storm. Oh this is so embarrassing… Fox could you check?"

The vulpine shrugged and looked up. "Well, if you're sure it's not there—"

"No-wait-STOP! Don't look! _Pleeeease_ don't look!"

After catching a flash of the spaniel's snow white fur and the yellow innertube, Fox cast his gaze down and covered his eyes. "You didn't really think that through, did you?"

"Ohhh!" Fay's tail wagged furiously. "Did you see anything?!"

"No, I didn't look that long, I promise."

"Oh."

…

"Did you _waaant_ to?"

Fox's ears flattened against his skull. "No comment. Now do you want to get down from there or not?"

"Well yes, of course!"

"Then wiggle the innertube out from between the branches."

"NO! That's a long way down!"

"It can't be more than fifteen or twenty feet. The sand and innertube will break your fall."

"C-can you catch me?"

Fox shook his head, still covering his eyes. "Not like this I can't. If I try to catch you with my eyes shut there's gonna be a spaniel-shaped crater in the sand next to me. You could wait for high tide to come in and then maybe land in the water, but that could be a few hours."

"Ohhh I can't wait that long! It's awful breezy down there. I-I mean up here!"

"Look, just cover yourself with your tail!"

"Can't! It's stuck on the wrong side of the innertube."

"Of _course_ it is."

Fay paused before making her own suggestion. "Fox, do you think you could climb up here and get me down?"

"I thought you'd never ask. Can't say I've ever climbed a palm tree before, but it can't be too different than the stuff we did in basic training."

"B-but you still can't look!" Fay insisted.

"Oh for the love of…!" Fox clenched his hands in frustration and nearly kicked the base of the tree. "Fffffffine! I'll do it with my eyes closed. Are you satisfied?" He proceeded to hook his hands around the back of the palm to act as a brace, then pushed off the trunk with his feet to climb upwards. "Why do I suddenly feel like Sandra Bullock…"

After a minute or two Fay asked, "How close are you now?"

Fox risked opening an eye to look down. "About…" His ears fell limp. "Four feet off the ground."

It took awhile, but eventually Fox felt the trunk getting thinner. As he neared the top he could hear the wind rustling the leaves around his ears, so he clamped his arms and legs tighter around the trunk to shimmy up instead.

Finally he emerged from the top of the palm and opened his eyes. Over the canopy of leafy green branches he found Fay. Sure enough, the spaniel was only dressed in her yellow bikini top, while her lower half was hidden beneath the translucent yellow innertube.

By now he was slightly winded—the climb would have been much easier and less stressful with his eyes open. "Whew! It's quite the view you've got up here."

Fay rested her chin on her fist and tapped her fingers. "Very funny. Now will you get me down?"

"Yeah, sure."

Fox placed his hands on the side of the pool toy and gave it a strong push. Fay immediately started and grabbed onto the palm leaves.

"W-wait! What do you think you're doing?!"

"I'm getting you free. Compress your legs and roll when you hit the ground, or try landing on the side of the innertube to break your fall. Most importantly, protect your head!"

Fox gave her another shove, but this time Fay grabbed his arms desperately. "No, Fox! Please don't do this!"

"Okay now. On three!"

"But—"

The tod didn't even bother to count before pushing the canine free with one last shove. Fay's grip slipped from his arms and the she plummeted to the sand with an ear-piercing wail. As Fox had counted on, the yellow inflatable struck the ground first and absorbed all of her fall.

"See Fay, that wasn't so bad!"

But she wasn't done yet. The toy bounced once with Fay still in it before taking off down the shore. It rolled sideways onto the ocean, where it teetered for one heart-stopping moment… Then it tipped over, coming to a rest with Fay's upper torso underwater and her frantically kicking legs above.

"Oh shhhhit!"

* * *

Katt felt like she had never had a more peaceful rest in her life. Her head lay on a warm, toasty pillow that seemed to be stuffed with the softest of down feathers. Breathing in its musky, familiar scent, she ran her digits through the material. Strange, she didn't remember pillows having feathers on the outside—

"Oh!"

The feline bolted upright. She looked down only to confirm her fears; she'd been resting on none other than Falco's plumed chest.

"Aw, what's the matter?" Falco teased while crossing his arms behind his head. "There used to be a time when you liked this hunky bod."

The feline's face burned and she turned away. "H-how long have you been awake?"

Falco rubbed some grains of sand between two feathered fingers. "Oh, fifteen or twenty minutes."

"And you didn't move at all during that time?"

The pheasant looked at her like the answer was obvious. "'Course not; I'd wake you. You looked real peaceful lying there."

Katt felt a warmth kindling in her heart, but she did her best to suppress it. "How disgustingly selfless of you."

"Hey sour-puss, I lay pinned beneath you for nearly a half-hour without so much as breathing so you'd get some more shut-eye." Falco finally sat upright and dusted the sand from his back feathers. "And besides, you look like you need beauty sleep _big_ -time."

"Can it bird-brain!" Katt self-consciously reached up to feel her tangled mat of hair, then twisted her bathing suit back into place. "You're not looking so hot yourself."

Falco looked up towards his forehead. Steaming, he tried to straighten his crooked head-feathers. "That storm really kicked our asses. Where the heck are we? It's dark in here."

"Yeah, we probably should've established this sooner." Katt looked around, but her eyes had difficulty picking things out of the shadows. Their voices sure echoed a lot, and somewhere water was steadily dripping into a larger pool. "Uh-oh. I hate to suggest this, but do you think we've been swallowed by a whale or something?"

Falco looked around for a moment, then shook his head. "Naw. Everything would be slimy and smell like dead fish. Kinda like all your tuna sandwiches..."

Katt continued looking around until she spotted a lighter patch of color. "Look over there! That's where the light's coming from. There's some sort of pool that leads outside. We must've washed up in here after the storm."

Falco stood up and left her side, brushing the caked sand from the seat of his swimsuit. "Yeah, but it's high-tide now. The water's basically sealed us in." He glanced back at Katt. "Do you wanna try swimming out? Could be dangerous, especially if there's a current or it's a longer swim than we expect."

Katt sized up the potential exit. "I don't think we have any other choice. It's either that or we wait for low tide again."

"Want me to go first? I can see if it's possible or not. If I don't come back, then you know it's not… well…"

The feline crossed her arms over her chest. "Oh please, spare me the faux bravery. You always need to prove you're—"

" _There it is again! It's coming from the entrance pool!"_ a raspy voice echoed into the cavern.

"What was that?"

Katt grabbed Falco's arm and pulled him behind the cover of some rocks.

"Hey! What's the big—"

" _Shhhh! Listen!"_

Falco did as instructed and clamped his beak shut. Feline and pheasant huddled close together behind the jagged stones, waiting as the approaching voices grew louder. Finally they heard the sound of footsteps, and about eight hunched figures entered the room carrying flashlights. Daring to peek above their cover, Katt and Falco saw their faces flickering in the flashlight beams. They were amphibians, overweight even by their standards, and all male from the looks of them. They wore t-shirts of shows Katt didn't recognize but still seemed a couple decades old, the necks and armpits of which were absolutely drenched in sweat. Each one wore a baggy pair of pajama pants and white socks with sandals over them. Some carried flashlights while others carried… _katanas?_ From the way they swung them around carelessly they posed more of a threat to each other than to Katt or Falco. Others brandished airsoft weapons that had the orange tips poorly filed off.

" _You know,"_ Falco whispered to Katt, _"I think we better avoid these people. Not because they pose any danger to us, but because I'd hate to have to converse with them about literally anything."_

"I heard intruders, Herr Moderator," one of the frogs reported to another.

"Spread out and search the entrance. Let no one escape!"

" _Oh shit!"_ Katt whispered. _"They mean business!"_

" _Yeah, we have to get out of here fast."_

Katt looked around for a minute. _"I've got an idea. Let's both just make a break for the passage on the right. They're horribly out of shape, so they don't stand a chance against us."_

" _Why should I trust you?"_ Falco shot back. _"All day yesterday we've been enemies, and you expect me to believe you've already put that behind us and forgiven me? Oh no sister, I don't think so."_

" _Falco, trust me on this!"_ Katt pleaded with sparkling, trembling eyes that seemed on the brink of tears. _"There's no other way! I wouldn't leave you in a life or death situation just because you left the toilet seat up. If you're so worried, let's both go at the same time."_

The avian mulled it over for a second. _"Fine! I'll do it your way."_

"Hey, I think I heard something down there."

" _It's now or never!"_ Katt hissed. _"On the count of three. One… two…_ THREE!"

Falco took off sprinting past the Aquans and deeper into the side passageway, but quickly became suspicious. He slid to a stop in front of the surprised amphibians and turned around.

Katt had charged the exact opposite direction. She splashed uproariously through the water and dove beneath the mouth of the cave, leaving him as nothing more than a distraction so she could escape.

"KATT YOU LYING BITCH—"

"There he is!"

"Nab the intruder!"

Sure enough the avian was flattened under a dogpile of Aquans, who thankfully saw fit not to use their weapons. He had to fight to even poke his head through the mass of sweaty bodies.

When he broke free he took a deep breath. "Hey! You're letting someone get away!" But a pillowcase flew over his head, silencing him.

"Quick! Don't let the other prisoner escape!"

Katt was almost halfway outside, freedom within reach! The water was glowing a bright blue from the sky and sunlight, but a pair of hands grabbed her foot and began dragging her back. She panicked and gasped out the last of her oxygen in a flurry of bubbles. She kicked and fought to swim forward, but yet another pair of hands grabbed onto her legs and pulled her back. Eventually they dragged her free of the water to cough and sputter on the shore. Before she even had time to catch her breath a similar pillowcase was pulled over her head. Katt's captors pulled her to her feet and shoved her down another passageway.

The moderator, as they called him, laughed. "Bring them along! We will make sport of them… in _The Pit!"_

* * *

Fox scampered down the palm tree after Fay. Unfortunately he lost his grip on the smooth trunk and slid the rest of the way down to land, unceremoniously, on his rump. He stumbled to his feet and charged down the bank, feet sending up geysers of water as he waded out to Fay.

"It's alright!" he shouted, I got y—" but he immediately took an upside-down roundhouse kick to the face from one of Fay's flailing paws. "Ow, what the—? Watch it! I'm trying to help!" Finally he grabbed onto Fay's legs and held them firm until she stopped struggling. Next he flipped her and the innertube over with one smooth motion, resulting in Fay's upper half coming upright. When her head cleared the water she gasped, hair flinging a spray of droplets in a spiral shape.

"Augh! I thought I was gonna drown like that!"

"Sorry," Fox grinned sheepishly, "I hadn't counted on that happening. But hey, at least I got you down safely."

When they waded back on shore Fay shook herself off, inadvertently spraying Fox with thousands of droplets of water. Next she tried to extricate herself from the innertube which was still stuck around her waist, but was unable to force it the rest of the way down her hips.

"What's the matter?" Fox asked.

"Humph, oof!" she grunted. "It's still stuck."

"What do you mean it's stuck?"

Fox walked over to her side and placed his hands on the top of the innertube, pressing down with all his might. He met with similar luck; Fay's knees eventually gave out and they both fell in a heap on the sand.

"Man, that's a stubborn little toy ain't he?" Fox growled. He helped Fay back to her feet, who in turn brushed herself off.

"Ohhh no!" Fay whimpered, dancing back and forth. "What if I never get this off? I'll have to sleep in it, bathe in it, and go to town in it!"

"Yeah, but at least you can _swim_ safely in it."

Fay grabbed Fox's hand and pleaded into his eyes. "Fox, you _have_ to get me out of this! _Please!_ My dignity depends on it!"

"Okay, sure, sure, I'm absolutely committed to this." Fox scratched behind his head to kickstart his mental gears. _This isn't going to be easy,_ he thought while looking around the shore. He had a burst of inspiration when his eyes landed on a forked palm tree that sprung up from the ground in a V-shape.

"Let's give this a try. Follow me over here…"

Fay tagged along, the innertube swinging left and right like the rings of Titania as she waddled forward. Fox stepped to the other side of the trunks and took Fay's hands.

"Now, bend over towards me."

The spaniel leaned forward with Fox's help. She bent until the innertube pressed up against the trunks, and her upper half was on the other side. Now Fox clenched onto her hands more firmly.

"Okay, I'm going to try to pull you out this way. When I say go, clench your legs and wiggle them back and forth. Are you ready?"

Fay clenched her teeth and nodded.

"Go!"

Fox set his foot against the base of the palms and pulled Fay with all his might. She growled and wiggled her hindquarters emphatically as he instructed. When nothing came of their efforts they stopped and rested for a few seconds. Then they tried again, and again, but got nowhere.

Fox let go of Fay's hands and stretched his arms, working the soreness out of them. They spaniel slumped between the trees, panting with her tongue out.

"I really wish I'd learned how to twerk better."

"This is 2019. Please never use that word in this story again."

"Kinda sucks that this is your first update of 2019, huh?"

The tod stepped back and studied Fay while she looked up at him with curious eyes. He scratched his chin, lost in thought.

"You know, this isn't really working. I'll have to try a different angle of approach."

One of Fay's floppy ears perked when she realized what he had in mind. "No!" she screeched, "I'm hanging out back there!" Then she blushed and looked down. "Only if you promise not to look…"

Fox raised a paw. "Hey, on my word as a gentleman! Desperate times call for desperate measures."

"Fine. You have my permission then."

Fox walked around to Fay's back, trying to keep his eyes on the foliage above with the canid in his periphery. Try as he might, he found his eyes slowly working their way down to Fay's posterior, but each time he valiantly bounced them back up like a gentleman.

This time he had Fay position the innertube on the opposite side of the forked palm. He took each of her legs under the crook of his arms and pulled with all his might. But after a few minutes of heaving Fox's grip slipped and he fell backwards with a thud.

"Blast it!" he cursed and swatted Fay's rear without thinking.

"Oh, Fox!" Fay exclaimed, looking back at him.

"Sorry, sorry!" the vulpine hurriedly said.

Fay fell limp between the palm trunks. "Please, no more pulling; I feel like I'm on the rack!"

"Alright, I hear ya. There's just one more thing I want to try."

"W-what's that?"

"First, get the innertube on this side of the tree like it was before."

"Okay, if you say so…" Fay once again repositioned herself between the trunks and elevated her rear in the air.

"Alright, now here comes the hardest part. Fay, I'm going to try pushing you out, but in order to do that I need to touch your butt."

"My… butt?"

"Yes Fay. Do I have permission to touch your butt?"

"Ohhh… fine! You have permission to touch my butt—but only this once, mind you! And promise that you won't tell anyone! Katt likes to tease me a lot about you…"

"I understand," Fox said. "I promise not to tell. Now, um, if you'll pardon the intrusion…"

Gingerly, Fox placed his shaking hands on Fay's soft rump. He felt a shiver travel down the girl's spine as he lingered ever so slightly.

"W-well, get on with it!" Fay stuttered.

Fox swallowed so loud it echoed between the palms and Navy Seal Tyler Davidson, human OC #265, heard it one story over.

"Alright, here I go!"

Setting his foot on a rock behind him, he leaned into Fay with all the strength he could muster. Perhaps the hardest part was finding a firm grip with which to push her, but eventually he discarded all attempts at decency and tightly clenched.

"Come on Fox! _Harder!"_

"I'm… trying!" he growled through clenched teeth. Then, just when he thought his muscles would give out—

They did.

Fox landed on his face in the ground, getting a mouthful of sand. Rather than immediately rising he just lay there, tasting the bitter flavor of defeat.

Fay stood up and began whining. "Ugh, this is awful! I'm never going to get out of this thing…" Then she cocked her head, raising an ear. "Hey, do you hear that?"

" _No,"_ Fox said through a mouthful of sand. _"Only the sound of my ego deflating."_

"Then you _do_ hear it! It's a high-pitched whine, almost as if…" Fay squished the innertube with her hands and gasped. "It's losing air! Quick Fox, before it's too late. Can you fill it up again?"

Fox spat out the sand and rose to his knees. Fay turned to the side and offered him the transparent valve stem. The vulpine drew in a breath of air and pressed his lips to the valve, but stopped. With his cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk he just knelt in place, unmoving. Finally he let out a gasp of air, but didn't bother blowing it into the pool toy.

"Wh-what are you doing? It's about to deflate!"

"Fay, sit down. Just… trust me."

The spaniel seated herself while giving him a confused look. Without a word the vulpine fell on the innertube, ruthlessly squashing it.

"No, wait!"

But he didn't budge. The toy slowly collapsed under his weight, emitting a high-pitched whine like a deflating balloon. All the while Fox sat with a completely blank expression—the face of a man who had died on the inside.

When the toy was deflated Fay was easily able to extricate herself from the acrylic remains. "Oh… That was easy! Why didn't you think of this sooner? You wasted all of that time pushing and pulling me when all you had to do was…?"

Fox slowly tilted his head down and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He had no words to express how much of an idiot he currently felt like.

"Wait a minute…" Fay realized. "I'm _freeee!_ " She rose to her feet and danced a little victory jig. Then she remembered she was still unclothed from the top down. The spaniel let out a piercing scream and began to run in circles. "AAAAAHH! _I'm-naked-I'm-naked-I'm-naked-I'm-naked—!"_

Finally she came to a stop behind a thin palm tree, placing it between herself and the tod.

"Foooox, I need something to wear."

The male vulpine had the sinking realization that he'd solved only half of the girl's problems. "Well, I guess you could wear the deflated innertube like a skirt or something. Or I could fashion something out of dried—"

"No, that sounds awfully uncomfortable! Can… can I ask one more favor of you?"

"No."

"Can I have your swimsuit?"

"No."

Fay began jumping back and forth between her feet. "Oh please Fox! This is so embarrassing! I _need_ something to wear—it's not decent!"

"And I need something to wear too. I'm not the one who forgot to tie their swimsuit tight enough and lost it in the storm."

"But Fox, you're a man! If one of us has to be naked, it should be _you!_ Just gimme your swimsuit."

"Fay, you can't divide a swimsuit between two people, nor am I giving you mine. Plus knowing your luck you'd just tie the string too tight and my trunks would be stuck on you for the rest of—"

But Fay took that moment to run from cover and dive for Fox. She grabbed onto his trunks and tried to tackle them down his legs with her. She would've succeeded in pantsing him, too, if Fox hadn't grabbed the hem in time.

"Fay, what do you think you're doing?!"

The spaniel clutched the deflated innertube to her waist and reached for Fox's trunks. "I'm sorry, I'm desperate!"

"F#%$ this sh&t, I'm outta here!" Fox said as he sprinted off, tightly clutching his swim trunks.

"Fox, wait, come back!"

* * *

The sweaty Aquans lead Katt and Falco deeper into the cave system. Their journey was an arduous one, and more than once they tripped over loose stones or hurt their feet on jagged rocks along the way. Up ahead they heard an odd whirring noise that sounded like the buzzing of thousands of angry bees. They were also buffeted by a warm breeze, and the stench of rancid armpits and overly-compensating deodorant drifted their way.

The Aquans halted and jerked their prisoners to a stop.

"Behold, Gelato Grotto!" the leader proclaimed.

Falco and Katt felt the pillowcases ripped off their heads so they could finally breathe again. They looked around, sizing up the place.

A sprawling cave lay before them with multiple chambers chaotically stacked upon one another like the holes in Swiss cheese. Everywhere they looked was filled with computer monitors, keyboards, and server towers. Bundles of wires slithered across the floor like tangles of Medusa and Rapunzel's in vitro cloned baby's hair. In front of each monitor sat a spaced-out amphibian, their gamer's chairs barely holding their weight. The heat from all the equipment was stifling, and for once Katt and Falco were grateful they wore swimsuits.

The moderator continued, "Gelato Grotto is a 24/7 internet café and gamer's paradise. It was founded years ago by Aquans who swore off the female sex entirely in order to focus on what really matters."

"…Cultivating the soul?" Falco ventured.

"Career advancement?" Katt suggested.

"No. Shit-posting and crowd-sourcing knowledge. There isn't a corner of the internet that the Grotto hasn't conquered. Every time you see a meme appear in your Twatter feed, we were the ones who started it, and by the time you laugh at it we've already killed it off and moved onto new ones. Sometimes we've started memes so unbelievably stupid that we thought no intelligent beings would spread them. Some of us here still clung to our faith in Lylat, but the success of that f#cking moth meme killed whatever shreds we had left.

"We are the anonymous power users of 4san and Ribbit. Anything with even the least speck of creativity, soul, individuality, or edginess you see on the interwebs originated with us. We initiated the Thot Audit. We spread Ribcoin until it became Lylat's highest valued currency, then we pulled out when it topped 17k before orchestrating the crash that ruined everyone else. Oh, and if ever you thought you met a girl on an anonymous site, that was just Steve over there."

Falco involuntarily shivered.

"Wow, Ribcoin, huh?" Katt whistled. "So what have you guys done with all the money?"

"We bought better computer systems and pimped out the Grotto. Most of it we've put aside for the _Next Big Thing._ "

" _The Next Big Thing?"_ Falco and Katt asked together.

"Yes. Normally the subject is top secret, but seeing as how you won't be leaving alive, I guess I can tell you." The frog turned and whispered in their ears, sending a wave of Cheeto breath their way. "We've begun the decentralization of the internet. _Everything_ will be open source. No more sites run by corporations who compile more private data on you than the Cornerian Intelligence Agency. No more deplatforming edgy humor like this. No more refusing basic services like web-hosting and electronic fund transfers and social media sites. All of that will be hosted on your computer, mercy to no one's whim but your own. And _everything_ will be anonymous."

The frogs nearby crossed their arms and chanted, "Anonymity! Disability! Virginity!"

Falco shook his head. "Wait, we're not getting out of here _alive?!_ "

"Hahahaa! Of course not. _You_ might be allowed to stay, but femoids are not permitted in the Grotto for… _obvious_ reasons."

"What?! Are you serious?! This is 21XX!" Katt exclaimed.

"Gelato Grotto is unfortunately a meritocracy where your fake D-cups don't matter." The frog refused to look at Katt as he spoke, but his voice was beginning to quiver. "You are nothing more than a _thot_. Any proclivity you show with games is just a cover to get our money after you marry and divorce us. But we don't fall for gamer-girls and bitch-streamers. We have taken the oath to Go Our Own Way—yes, we are MGOOWs who have sworn off women. The only female company we keep are fictional characters who are perfect and ideal in every way, and who are at their core loyal and would never betray us. Because of this, we do not allow IRL grils in the Grotto. Your thot companion will be executed, but _you,_ bird, will be given the chance to join our ranks. _If_ you can prove your worth in The Pit _._ "

"Pff, like I'd ever want to live with _you_ nerds the rest of my life. But I'll make a deal with you. If I can prove myself in… 'The Pit', you let me and Katt go."

"And if not, we give you the _life ban_ ," the Aquan concluded.

"Life ban? Isn't that what we want from here?"

The mod shook his head. "You're not banned for life. You are banned _from_ life. It means execution, kid. We'll rid the world of one more Chad and Stacy."

The Aquans shoved them along until they came upon a padded wrestling ring. It was surrounded by bleachers filled with spectators who cheered on a match currently taking place. One Aquan who sat on an elevated chair must've been the king of the bunch; he wore a paper kid's meal crown and a red checkered picnic cloth over his shoulders. He loosely held onto a Halloween trident that looked like it came from the party store. He watched the match with a bored expression, and often pulled out a handheld game to fiddle with.

Falco burst out laughing when he saw the two contestants; they were no more fit than the Aquans who had captured them.

"Pfffft! _These_ are your champion fighters? It's like watching two Zelda mains fight! The only thing these neanderthals could destroy is a double quarter-pound hot pocket."

One of their guard's eyes lit up. "They _have_ those?!"

"Quiet, Chad!" the Mod barked at Falco. "You are in the presence of Herr Administrator! These fights are not decided simply by who is strongest, but by who can perform the best media anal-sis. Autisans compete to see who is the most knowledgeable about any given subject. It can be anything—video games, anime, comics, interlocking brick systems, and certain machinery like cars, guns, and trains."

"Wow, that's even more boring than watching them accidentally gore each other with knock-off sabers! All they'll end up doing is _boring_ each other to death. That's disappointingly tame."

"The victor is decided by who can explode the other's head with pure knowledge."

"Exc _uuuse_ me?"

One of the amphibians on the stage stepped forward, clad in a full suit of cheap plastic armor that Falco vaguely recognized from a show Slippy watched. He cleared his throat.

" _Nyan-Nyan Kitty Princess Fighter 2: Re:Vengeance_ is ultimately better than the original _Nyan-Nyan Kitty Princess!_ The new director saved the series from being a soulless platform aimed at selling dolls for girls into a dark and gritty action-drama with limitless depth. It shifted its focus from the rainbow heart mecha fights to the internal struggles of each character! Nyan-Nyan Kitty Princess herself was saved from Mary Sue-dom, as the new director completely fleshed out her tragic and tortured backstory to expose her psychological issues. More than that, he established a unique para-social relationship between the viewer and Nyan-Nyan. And don't you dare say they switched to Flash animation for the final two episodes because of "budgetary constraints"; it was an _intentional_ choice made on the part of the art team to reflect Nyan-Nyan's longing for the past—a meta commentary on the state of ever-changing animation techniques!"

"AAAAAAAAHHH!" The frog's opponent had already fallen to his knees and was clutching his head. Just as the Moderator said, his cranium abruptly exploded and splattered red and blue brain matter all over the stage.

"Holy shit!" Falco wheezed, while Katt threw up beside him.

"Have fun!" the Mod of the guards cackled. " _You're_ next!"

Katt stared at Falco, her face communicating pity and fear. They held hands for a moment, but the Aquans ruthlessly tore Falco away and plopped him over the side of the ring. He staggered forward, temporarily blinded from being in the spotlight. A new challenger approached; a red-skinned Aquan with a portly belly his t-shirt couldn't contain. He wore comfortable plaid pajama pants and crocs, neither of which Falco would want to be caught dead in. Somehow on his flabby jaw he'd managed to cultivate a prickly neckbeard, which was a feat for an Aquan in-and-of itself.

Their captor marched around the ring to the throne of the "admin", as they called him. He whispered something in his ear.

"Huh? Oh, right. Uh, spin the Wheel of Fate," the admin mumbled before he looked back down at his portable game.

The spotlight illuminated a large gameshow wheel that Falco hadn't noticed earlier. Before he could make out any of the options it spun in a blur. Falco felt a little dizzy watching it, but eventually it slowed until a bright pink slice faced upwards.

 _Ding-ding-ding!_

"The subject for this cage match is… _My Little Peony: Kinship is Miraculous."_

Falco raised his eyebrows. "I've heard about degenerates like you lot. Just didn't think I'd ever meet you in person."

"You know the rules," the administrator droned on. "Rants must be confined to the topic of the RNG gods' choosing. One at a time with no interrupting. The first to explode the other's head wins. Herr Moderator has informed me we have some special conditions this time; two normies were caught ghosting the forum. If you, Chad, can defeat our _lowest-_ ranked autisan, we will let you join our forum and allow your thot companion to live. If you lose… she wipes up your brains from the mat, and then we serve the life ban on her as well."

Falco looked back at Katt, who stood in the shadows outside the ring. She shrugged and cheered in a wavering voice, "Good luck!" though she knew he didn't stand a chance. The avian gulped and turned back around. _God I wish Slippy was here for once…_

"Francis the Flash-Fryer is the OP," the admin declared. "Begin, I guess. I don't care."

Francis, as he was called, stepped forward and adjusted his glasses. When he spoke it was with a horrible nasally voice that caused the mirror neurons in Falco's beak nostrils to cringe.

"Ahem. Season 4 of _My Little Peony—"_

"AAAARRRRGH!" the bird fell to his knees and shook his head back and forth. "I can't stand it anymore! Make it stop, _make it stooooop!"_

"Leave him alone!"

Katt broke free from the Aquan holding her and crawled into the ring. She stood defiantly between Falco and the autisan, spreading her arms.

Now that the stage lights shone on her, and the spectators could make her out completely, everyone in the cave gasped.

The admin shrunk back on his throne, pointing a shaky finger. "It-it-it's a f-f-femoid! Who let h-her in the ring? Dispatch her at once!"

But the autisan cowered before her, descending into a nervous blob. He broke out in a cold sweat and fidgeted with his hands. He tried to form words and continue his rant to overwhelm Katt, but the best he could manage was a mess of stuttered syllables. Eventually he noisily swallowed.

"I'm not _AfRaId_ of you!" his voice horribly cracked. "My heart is only for 2-dimensional women! Begone, foul thot!" He squeaked and held up an adorable figurine from _My Little Peony_ as if it were a crucifix. "Protect me, Princess Petalwings!"

The figurine trembled in Katt's face. She blew a puff of air and rolled her eyes, placing a hand on her hip. "Really? Is this the best you can do? People like you are savage on social media, but when you meet your opponent in real life you immediately crumble. Get it through your head; I. Don't. _Care_ about _My Little Peony!_ I don't even know anything you're talking about. Your powers are useless against me! Try talking about something that isn't in your closeted fantasy world. _"_

Francis' knees began to knock together. The figurine fell from his hand, and his eyes bulged out of their sockets as he stared at Katt. "Puh-Puh-Princess Petalwings, for you I was remaining a virgin, but I have faaaaaaailed yooooooou! _"_

Before Katt and Falco's very eyes, Francis the Flash-Fryer melted into a steaming blob of putty on the ring floor, until his amphibian shape was no longer recognizable.

If the administrator wasn't panicking before, he was now. "W-well, what are you all standing around for? Seize her!"

Reluctantly the spectators drew their replica weapons and edged towards the ring, but their bulbous eyes were glued to Katt. This gave the feline an idea. She pulled out all the stops to tantalize the opposite sex: stretching backwards to make her chest stand out, twirling a finger through the tuft of white hair on her head, and ludely adjusting her green bikini bra and bottom. This completely stopped the Aquans in their tracks, jaws agape and drooling. She had them like playdough in her hands. In fact if she kept it up, they'd literally melt like Francis did—Falco included.

Katt grabbed the avian's limp hand. "Come on you idiot—run while we have the chance!"

She dragged Falco to the edge of the ring and they both climbed over. Katt made a beeline for the passageway they originally came from, with Falco struggling to keep up. They jumped when they heard the admin's voice screeching behind them.

" _You fools, you're letting them get away! After them!"_

After a few minutes of half-running, half-stumbling through the dark, they saw a faint turquoise glow up ahead. Katt and Falco emerged into the tide cave and threw themselves into the water. They held their breaths tightly whilst diving below the rocky arch that separated the inner pool from the outside ocean. Katt painfully scraped her back along the top but pressed on anyway.

Finally when her lungs burned and she felt she could hold them no longer, Katt burst above the surface of the water. She welcomed the blinding sunlight after the Grotto's murky darkness, and hungrily breathed in new air. This time Falco took her hand and helped her onto the shore.

The water erupted behind them as half a dozen Aquans emerged. They tried to chase after them along the beach but immediately faltered. They seemed to be overwhelmed by so much sunlight at once.

"Ack! What's that?!"

"It buuuurns!" another cried.

"It's so bright I can't even look at it!"

A horrible sizzling sound emitted as their skin began to bubble and melt from so much exposure.

"Back, back before we're cooked alive!"

"We'll be back for you! _REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"_

To the pair's relief, all the Aquans dove back into the water and cut short their chase. But Falco knew their respite might only be temporary. "Come on, let's get off this island before they brainstorm a way to follow us out here!"

* * *

Katt and Falco ran for their lives along the shore, occasionally glancing over their shoulders to see if their pursuers had made it out of the cave yet. Up ahead they saw two new figures; one a lynx whose fur was singed a dark charcoal color, and the other a short amphibian whose skin was painted bright blue and black. They seemed to be running from something in the jungle, and were on a perpendicular collision course with Katt and Falco.

"Hey, is that Miyu and… Slippy?!" Katt asked.

The two pairs nearly bowled each other over, but slid to a stop before they did.

"Katt! Falco!" Miyu wheezed, gasping for breath. "You're alive!"

 _"Heeeeey!"_

Before they could continue greeting each other they heard another voice calling from behind them. They turned to see their team's leader sprinting from the same direction Falco and Katt had come from. When he reached them he doubled over to catch his breath.

"Quick, we have to keep running!" Falco warned them. "We're being chased by an entire forum's worth of internet trolls—but they're even more hideous in real life! They can't survive in sunlight, but I'm sure they'll be back once they apply something with a high SPF level."

"What are you two running from?" Katt asked, staring at Miyu and Slippy.

Slippy was doubled over, panting, so Miyu spoke first. "It's a long story, which is the reason it was cut. When I woke up I was tied to a wooden stake at the center of a village. The houses weren't much more than sticks propped up against one another, and the inhabitants were exclusively made up of female Aquans who had segregated themselves based on skin hue. They all had hairy armpits and multi-colored hair—I didn't even know _male_ frogs had armpit hair! They could only speak in one-syllable grunts, and I couldn't understand anything they were saying. Then what looked like their leader appeared; a blue-and-black poison dart frog. They seemed to revere her as a god; they carried her on a wooden throne and prostrated themselves when she showed up."

When Miyu's breath gave out, Slippy continued. "But it was actually me!"

Miyu added, "I screamed at first because I thought she was a woman and wasn't wearing a bra, but then I saw it was Slippy and screamed even louder."

The frog continued, "I washed up on the island close to where Miyu was and saw when she was captured. I came up with a horrible plan to rescue her by disguising myself as a poison dart frog so that they'd be afraid to touch me. Then when I snuck into their village and poked around a bit I found out who they really were. Turns out they were a group of women who a year ago traveled to this island to establish the first female-only settlement. They had a run-down sign that said "SuperiorShe Island Resort" or something like that. They lasted about two weeks before their society crumbled and they regressed back to the stone age. So rather than attempting to break Miyu out, I taught them how to use fire. They thought I was a god!"

As an aside to the audience, Slippy added, "This was actually a rejected scene from the Fortuna arc of _The Hunting Party._ It was meant to show what Falco and Scarlet were up to while Krystal and Phoenix were captured by Neo-Venomians. The poison-dart frog paint is a reference to another story called... oh if you've read it you'll get it."

"The bad news was they now knew how to cook their food," Miyu picked up, "and that meant me! I very nearly burned at that stake before Slippy figured out how to say, "free that girl!" in cave-woman. We actually got along pretty well until I let slip that he wasn't a woman at all, he was just voiced by Lyssa Browne, so the tribe chased us all the way here."

"Wow, that sounds like it would've made a great C-plot for this episode," Katt mused.

Falco glanced at Fox. "And what are _you_ running from?! You look like you've been through some shit."

"Fay's trying to steal my swimsuit!" Fox cried.

Miyu pointed to the edge of the jungle. "Look Slippy; there they are!"

A horde of Aquan women tumbled out of the forest, wearing not much more than dried grass skirts and coconuts.

"And there!" Falco exclaimed, looking farther down the beach. Sure enough, a swarm of basement trolls was barreling towards them, now with their pasty skin covered with plastic armor and caked in sunscreen. But out in front was another figure; a white-furred spaniel to be precise, sprinting towards them while holding a deflated innertube to her crotch.

"Fooooox!" Fay shouted in their direction.

"AAAAAHH!" the tod screamed.

"This is awful!" Katt said. "Where are we going to go? How can we escape this island?"

"Actually, I have the solution," Slippy beamed. "While rooting through the tribe's stuff, I found some computers which still worked. They contained some maps of the nearby area which I used to figure out Frappé Island's position relative to us. Turns out it's not too far! They also have a motorboat stashed just over there."

Fox pulled Slippy in for a tight hug. "You're awesome, Slip!" He then took off running. "Every fox for himself!"

The group made a mad dash for the brambles Slippy had indicated, and pulled out the motorboat they found there. The amphibian sat in back and pulled the cord to activate it, causing the engine to sputter to life. Behind them the two groups of angry Aquans merged into one, but from this distance they all sort of blended together.

"Wait, we can't just leave Fay!" Miyu cried before Slippy began to pull away.

"Slippy, as leader of this team, I _order_ you to leave her behind!"

"Sorry Fox, no-can-do! I can't just abandon Fay to be cooked alive like we almost did last time."

In spite of Fox's loud complaints the frog turned the ship around and puttered along the shore towards the canid. The amphibians had nearly caught up to her at this point; they were close enough to hurl rudimentary spears and fire BB pellets in their direction, but most of their weapons missed. When they came close enough to Fay Katt and Miyu snatched her out of the water and pulled her into the boat.

"Go-go-go!" Miyu urged Slippy. Their helmsman stepped on the gas pedal and gunned the engine. In no time he put a safe distance between their ship and the Aquans, who could no longer follow them out to sea. The group collectively let out a sigh and relaxed—all except Fay and Fox, that is.

"Foo-oox," the spaniel whined, clutching the deflated innertube to her waist.

"No! You can't have it!"

"Oh come on Fox," Falco chided him. "Just give her the suit—it's not decent for her to be without one."

"Yeah," Katt chimed in, "think of everything she's done for you!"

" _Are you serious?"_ Fox blurted, "I've spent this entire day rescuing her from a palm tree and saving her from drowning and getting that stupid toy off her. What has she done for me?!"

Miyu put a comforting arm around Fay's shoulders. "Fox, how can you say that? She looked pretty for you and gave you emotional support. Besides, if she hadn't chased you, you'd never have ended up back with us in time to escape."

"This is ridiculous!" Fox protested. "I'm the leader, why do I have to… to…"

The vulpine trailed off when he noticed every eye on the ship glaring at him—even Slippy's and Falco's.

He gulped.

* * *

When the afternoon came they arrived back at Frappé Island. They had to sail along the shore a bit until they found the peninsula that held their private hideaway. When they pulled around the mouth and entered the lagoon the sun was just setting, painting the side of their treehouse in warm rosy colors.

"Ah, it's so good to be home!" Katt exclaimed, opening her arms wide as if she could hug the treehouse.

"I never thought I'd be so homesick for that glorified shack," Miyu sighed.

Slippy ran the boat ashore and one by one they disembarked. Fay stepped out and stretched her sore muscles, now wearing Fox's swimsuit trunks. Falco was next to climb out.

"Gee Fox, you were right! We never should have split up like that. I'm glad we've all learned to make sacrifices for one another. I think we've _all_ discovered a valuable lesson today—"

Fox was last to stumble out of the ship, now wearing the re-inflated innertube around his waist.

"Oh why don't you just shut f#$k up…"

And everything was back to normal.

…

But from a rowboat a few miles out to sea, Kaptain Kursed the Cerinian surveyed the lagoon through a spyglass.

"Kurses! They've somehow made it back to the island. Dildo Rock and their strategic fort were almost in my klutches! But at least they took out half the treehouse with the kannon we gifted them."

"Their leader seems to be wearing… some kind of inflatable toy around his waist!" her first mate realized, peeping through a similar spyglass.

"Quiet you, that's hot! That's totally hot. Mark my words, we'll be back, and no amount of dumb luck will save them this time… Now row!"

The quartermaster dropped his spyglass and grabbed the oars. "Oh, uh, right away Ma'am!"

* * *

.🚻.

* * *

 _A/N : What were you expecting? A holiday oneshot? Get outta here. I have to admit it was odd writing this while snowplows cleared the roads outside my house. I guess I miss summer already._

 _Ahem, shout out to the approximately three viewers who read last episode! You all can expect the next episode... maybe April 31st? IDK! Updates on this will continue to be slow. I'm still chipping away at the plans for MY "Next Big Thing," but I'll see you around._


	5. The Kurse of Bluebeard P1

_Episode 3: The Kurse of Bluebeard (Part 1)_

* * *

.💙.

* * *

A rap sounded on the wooden door, and Kaptain Kursed raised a pointed blue ear.

 _"Kaptain, we have prepared the device,"_ her quartermaster's muffled voice came through.

"Splendid!" Kursed exclaimed. The Cerinian princess turned-pirate captain shrugged on her usual black coat and cinched the belt around her waist. With her trusty rapier at her side, she assumed a regal, commanding posture and marched out her cabin's door.

Outside on the ship deck she was hit by a wall of sea air; she planted her feet and breathed in deeply, enjoying the briny scent and faint splashes of water against her face. Up above the _Cerinity's_ azure sail billowed in the wind, and the sun cast soft rays that filtered through the material to dance across the deck. Rows upon rows of benches lined the gunwale, but right now the oars were pulled in to dry; the crew was assembled much closer to the ship's prow.

The brawny quartermaster waited just outside her cabin. He bowed slightly before leading her across the deck. "The device is this way, your highness. We raided three ships, two villages, and one dollar store to gather the necessary materials."

Kursed stopped to survey her crew's handiwork. Under her command they had fashioned together a giant chain of spyglasses by fixing them end-to-end. The line was so long that it stretched all the way from the ship's prow, down into the oar pit, across the length of the deck, and nearly back to her cabin.

"Excellent work, uh… what be thy name?"

"You've never given me a name," the first mate said longingly. "I've been a part of this story since episode 1 and I still don't have a name."

Kursed scratched her chin. "Hm, an oversight on my part. Well, henceforth thou shalt be known as… Quartermaster Masterquarter! There, how does it suit ye?"

The quartermaster puffed out his chest with newfound self-importance. "An apt name, my lady! Only someone with your brilliant intellect could have come up with it."

The vixen bowed modestly, as if to thunderous applause. "I know, I know! But let's dispense with the flattery and get down to today's business. Is yonder enemy in our sights?"

"We aligned the spyglasses as best we could, my lady."

"Then we shall finally field test the centascope!"

Kursed strutted past the ranks of soldiers who all stood at attention, saluting her. She stopped at the eyepiece-end of the centascope and leaned over. Biting her tongue, she placed an eye to the spyglass.

Immediately she flinched and jumped back. "Jesus, so that be what atoms look like!"

The quartermaster cupped his hands over his mouth and ordered, "Decrease magnification powerrrrr!"

A squad of male Cerinians hurried to the centascope and twisted a couple dozen of the pieces off, casting them to the side and reconnecting the remaining spyglasses. I guess now it'd be called an octagescope or something, but who's counting.

Once they were finished Kursed placed her eye to the lens again. She pivoted her head back and forth and squinted.

"Nope. Now I just see the back of my head."

Masterquarter whistled shrilly, and another group of Cerinians removed more of the individual telescopes until the human centipede of spyglasses was significantly shorter.

Satisfied with their adjustment, Kursed looked through again. This time she smiled wickedly as their efforts were rewarded. Through the rather misshapen lenses she could see the goings on at the lagoon. To her dismay Star Fox had repaired the treehouse from when one of the females—the insufferable canine with the white fur—accidentally blew off one of the rooms with the cannon Kursed lent them. The pirate queen still felt seething mad that her plan to split them apart was ultimately foiled. Now she thirsted for revenge…

"Down!" she ordered, and a crewman angled the front-most telescope slightly towards the deck.

"A little to the left!" she continued to call out. "Little more to the left! More to the left! Little more! Still a little more. More. Left. Left! That's enough left!"

Finally the array of spyglasses settled on her target, and she licked her chops hungrily. Her sights were set on a golden-furred vulpine whose raw handsomeness even the 60-or-so lenses couldn't distort. He laughed at something one of his friends said and continued flipping burgers and hotdogs on a grill they had set out on the beach. He wore a pair of black swim trunks and was bare-chested except for a large white apron. Printed on the front of the apron was the phrase, "Yiff the cook" with a big red heart around it.

Kursed waggled her eyebrows and whispered, _"Oh I will, thou dirty animal thou…"_

"Sorry, what was that?" the quartermaster asked.

Kursed coughed. "Oh, uh, nothing! I was just saying we need to kapture their leader so I kan get his head into me. Er, I mean, so that I kan get into _his_ head!"

 _Bubonic rats, did I say that out-loud?_ A painful silence followed as Kursed worried if anyone had caught her slip-up and all the rest of the crew pretended not to have heard said slip-up.

"Ha, I get it," one of the crewman said.

Kursed hurried to recover. "Alright, k-kommence phase two. Channel the power of… the sun!"

On cue the Cerinians carefully disassembled the spyglasses, rotated them 180 degrees, and placed them end to end again. Kursed angled the last two upwards so that the sun beat heavily down on the topmost lens. A concentrated beam of light shot across the ocean, and the metallic spyglasses began to glow molten orange.

"That be enough!" Kursed called out.

The Cerinians hurriedly flipped the spyglasses back, cursing and juggling them back and forth between their hands while they cooled. When they finished reassembling the telescope Kursed placed her eye back to the lens.

"We've burned a hole in the leader's trunks!" she exclaimed, and the crew members high-fived each other before she continued describing the scene. "There's a trail of smoke rising from it. The lad hath noticed! He's trying to pat it out, but the trunks have kompletely burst into flames. He's, he's… running around like a headless chicken? Everyone else is trying to put him out." _Take them off, you idiot!_ "The pink kat has thrown her iced tea on him. The other feline splashed her lemonade on his suit. The bird poured some sort of silver kan on him… but it only made the flames worse!" _Just peel already!_

Masterquarter and the rest of the Cerinians exchanged awkward glances as Kursed's tail began to whip to and fro like a Jolly Roger in a typhoon.

"He's… he's trying to take them off!" _Yes, that's it!_ "…But he can't get the knot untied! He's running to the ocean now. He's tripped and face-planted into the sand, spectacularly. Damn it all to blazes, he krawled the rest of the way to the water without even taking them off. Pity," she spat.

Her first mate cleared his throat. "What is our next course of action, my lady?"

Kursed gave up trying to spy on Fox and left the telescope. "Yon enemies are having ale and a hearty barbeque for dinner. They'll sleep soundly tonight, which will be the perfect time for us… to strike!" She turned dramatically, furling her coattails almost like a cape. "I shall be in my kabin doing some… meditation for tonight. In the meantime, prepare the assault. We attack at the stroke of midnight!"

* * *

 _Frappé Island Lagoon – Enemy Military HQ – February 14, 20XX – 24:00 Hours_

A three-pronged harpoon hook sailed over the treehouse's railing, catching onto the wooden bars. The rope tied to the end pulled taught, then undulated as a shadowy figure shimmied up it.

Quartermaster Masterquarter's tricorn hat and beady blue eyes poked above the floorboards. He peered cautiously between the railing bars, scanning the treehouse for the enemy. To his relief it was empty; silver moonlight washed over the interior, illuminating the ragtag living room furniture and adjoining kitchen.

The 100% certified hunk climbed the rest of the way over the railing and dropped to the floor, landing in a crouched position. He waved to signal the coast was clear and that the rest of the crew should follow, then stood guard as they climbed up after him.

Kursed was the next one over the railing. She crept further into the living room, closing her eyes and placing her fingers to her temples.

" _Hmmmmmmmm…"_ she hummed, caught in a deep meditative trance. Then she whispered, _"They are all asleep! There be no konscious lifeforms nearby."_

But the invaders' blood froze when they heard padded footsteps coming their way.

" _Quick, hide!"_ one of the Cerinians hissed.

Together they squeezed into the hallway on the left, pressing their ears against the wall that joined with the kitchenette. The footsteps grew louder as they entered the kitchen, and a feminine voice masterfully hummed an otherwise pleasant tune off-key. Kursed flinched when she heard the refrigerator door open, and a beam of pale white light cast the figure's monstrous shadow across the floor. The refrigerator sat right on the other side of the wall, meaning the partition was the only obstacle that separated them.

" _I thought you said you didn't sense anyone,"_ Masterquarter whispered.

" _I didn't!"_ Kursed hissed back. _"This doesn't make a lick of sense…"_

Taking the chance, Kursed poked her head around the other side of the wall.

Fay Spaniel was currently bent-over in front of the fridge, dressed in pink underwear and a blank t-shirt. She wagged her tail back and forth in time to the song she hummed as she scavenged for a midnight snack.

Bewildered, Kursed walked out into the open behind the girl and stopped. She reached out with her mind.

 _Strange… I sense no intelligent thoughts at all… it's as if the lass's mind is kompletely blank. Kould she be a master telepath kapable of koncealing her thoughts?_

Eventually Fay settled on a plate of leftover spare ribs and yipped in delight. By the time she closed the fridge and turned around, Kursed had dove back behind cover. The spaniel trotted off, and the Cerinians breathed a collective sigh of relief.

Together they snuck into one of the boy's rooms, following Kursed's lead. When the crew made too much noise she whirled around and placed a finger to her lips, aggressively shushing them. The men cowered back and one even whispered, _"Sorry!"_ before Kursed threatened him with a balled fist. Then the vixen tiptoed to one of the two hammocks, and the crew followed with exaggerated careful steps.

Kursed paused at the side of the hammock, but recoiled when she saw the occupant. _Yick, it's that flabby frog kreature! He hath no business sharing a room with this god of a man!_

Quickly she turned and hovered over the other hammock in the room. She felt her heart freeze. Splayed out on the cloth canvas, arms and legs hanging awkwardly over the side, was her prize. The leader of her enemies, thinker of perverse thoughts, and object of her desire: Fox McCloud. The young vulpine was only loosely covered in a bedsheet due to the hot air, under which he wore a white pair of underwear. His head lay on its side and he drooled slightly in his sleep. Try as she might, Kursed couldn't take her eyes off him—even the drool was rather cute this time.

 _I wonder what he's dreaming of now… k-kould it be me?!_

* * *

Fox awoke suddenly with a snort. "Hmm? Wha? No I didn' sssteal all 20,000 pretzzzel bunsss, I only took… oh, it wasss jus' a dream."

The tod felt disappointed he had drooled on his hammock. These recurring dreams had to stop. He yawned and smacked his lips, then rolled onto his back to stretch. Halfway through his stretch however, he noticed a dark form standing beside his hanging bed. He squinted but couldn't make them out until his eyes adjusted to the dark.

"Who… who are you?"

The figure stepped into the dim window light, revealing herself to be Kaptain Kursed, currently his greatest threat on Aquas, besides maybe Fay. The pale moonlight washed over her white down fur which was exposed by the half-open black coat she wore. She seemed to be just as taken with him as he was with her.

Finally recovering, Kursed bared her teeth and glowered at him fiercely. "I'm your worst _nightmare!_ "

Fox stared up at her for a minute as his face slowly contorted into a smile. Unable to contain it any longer, he let out a massive "Pfffffffffffffffffft—!" before Kursed shoved a rag into his mouth, gagging him. Fox raised his arms to fight back, but a troupe of male Cerinians appeared at his side, quickly lifting him from the hammock and lashing ropes around his arms. Once his legs and hands were also bound, the quartermaster hefted him over his shoulder.

" _Quick, the_ _red herring_ _!"_ Kursed snapped.

Out of the corner of his eye, Fox caught another crew member lugging a large metallic object in his arms. When he came to an abrupt stop the item rang out loudly, prompting him to silence it.

" _Quiet!"_ Kursed somehow managed to scream-whisper.

" _What's this for anyway? I don't under—"_

" _Shhh!"_ the vixen silenced him, _"Just put it in his bed like we planned!"_

" _O-okay, if you say so…"_

Fox couldn't see what they did to his hammock, for at that moment the Cerinians whisked him back out into the short hall. But when they came upon the living room Kursed suddenly halted, spreading her arms out to stop the rest of them. There was a pile-up behind her and everyone craned their heads to see what was wrong. Fox twisted his head awkwardly to see over the first mate's shoulder, and his heart leapt when he saw Fay seated at the couch, eating some of the barbeque he'd prepared earlier that day.

 _This is my chance! She'll save me for sure!_

Kursed indicated for the Cerinians to be extremely quiet with several expressive hand motions, or else she'd 'slit their throats', 'hang them', or 'gouge their eyes out' in no particular order. Then she lead them behind Fay, whose back was turned to them. They had to squeeze carefully between the couch and the wall, coming within inches of the back of Fay's head. Gingerly they passed Fox from one man to the next, and for a single precarious moment the vulpine dangled above Fay's head. He desperately wanted to cry out or mumble through the gag, but Kursed was wary of this and placed her sword to his throat. _If only Fay would just turn around and notice this bitch's army!_ But instead she was oblivious to the whole debacle, innocently licking the last of the tasty sauce from her fingers. _Oh, why did I have to be so good at cooking barbeque!_

They brought Fox over to the railing, where it appeared they had breached the treehouse by way of grappling hook. _Haha!_ Fox thought again. _Now they're surely stuck! No one can carry me_ and _climb a rope at the same time! W-wait, what are they doing—?!_

Together the Cerinian crew unceremoniously heaved him over the side, and Fox plummeted down a full story of open air, leaving his stomach behind. Thankfully(?) a prickly plant broke his fall, but it was still a painful experience that would surely leave him sore for the next few days. For a few minutes he just lay in a crumpled heap, arms and legs bound. He watched jealously as Kursed elegantly descended the rope. She landed on her usual living carpet of Cerinians and began making her way back to the looming prow of the _Cerinity_ , which was moored in the lagoon.

"Mission successful," she congratulated herself while clasping her hands, probably diabolically scheming up what she'd do to him that night. The quartermaster picked Fox up and slung him over his shoulder again, but the tod couldn't hold it in any longer. He kicked and wiggled with all his might, trying to shout through the gag in his mouth, but his helpless pleas fell on deaf, sleeping ears.

* * *

 _Later that morning…_

Warm rays of sunlight poured into the treehouse's living room. It wasn't unbearably hot or muggy like the atmosphere was the previous week, and the sea breeze helped alleviate the heat that rose from the sun-cooked floorboards.

Slippy, Falco, and Miyu sat on the potato-sack couch while Fay and Katt sat across from them on the salvaged shuttle chairs. Miyu let out an unabashed burp and set her plate and fork on the coffee table. Except for a few crumbs her dish was empty.

"Ah, that was a good breakfast. You outdid yourself this time, Slippy."

Falco wolfed down the last piece of toast and slapped Slippy on the back—who unfortunately at the time was drinking a glass of orange juice. "You oughta cook more often Slip. If I have one more of Fay's burned eggs I think I might retch."

The spaniel's ears flattened and she looked at him apologetically. "Well, Fox can cook pretty well too. That barbeque was so good I couldn't stop myself from finishing it off last night!" Fay glanced around the room. "Hey, where is Fox, anyway?"

"Yeah, it's not like him to sleep in this late," Katt said, brow furrowing. "Slippy, why don't you go and wake that lazy beach bum up."

"On it!" The frog gathered their dirty dishes and piled them by the sink, then walked into his and Fox's room.

"Fox?" Slippy called. "Oh Foo-oox! Wakey-wakey Kevin Spacey!"

He looked over to the vulpine's hammock, which swung slightly in the breeze. Fox's head was turned away from him, the covers pulled over his shoulders.

Slippy approached the hammock. "Come on Fox, I know we're on eternal spring vacation here, but you have to get up _some_ time. You completely missed breakfast! Fox…?" He reached out and shook Fox's arm, surprised by how soft and pudgy it felt. This wasn't the toned shoulder of his leader—what in the world was going on?

Fearing the worst, Slippy flung the covers off, revealing a set of pillows hidden under the blanket in place of Fox's torso. Unable to help himself, the amphibian released a shrill croak that alerted the entire treehouse to his distress. A plate shattered in the kitchen, and a horde of pounding footsteps rushed his way. Katt, Falco, Miyu, and Fay all piled into the room to see what was wrong.

"Slippy, what happened?" Katt demanded.

Slippy pointed with a shaky finger at the hammock. "It-it-it-it-it's Fox! He's…"

Fay grabbed her head and screamed in terror while Miyu covered her mouth. Both Katt and Falco's eyes bulged from their sockets as they took in the horrible sight.

" _Who… who would do such a thing?"_ Miyu whispered.

"All they left behind was his severed head!" Falco wailed, falling to his knees.

Katt clutched her stomach, feeling sick. "Ugh… who does that? Decapitating someone to take their body and leave the head behind? That's just sick."

Struggling back to his feet, Falco agreed. "Yeah. Sick is right. It's as if they're just messing with us."

"But who?" Katt continued asking. "Who could have done this? Was anyone awake last night? Didn't they hear a scream? A loud slicing sound? Even… bone being cleaved in twain?!"

Fay looked up at Katt, shivering from fear. "I… I was awake last night."

Katt's voice was hopeful. "You did? Did you notice anything?! See something out of the ordinary?!"

"I-I don't think so!" Fay squeaked, lip trembling. "I just got up for awhile to have a midnight snack. And now that barbeque is my last memory of Fox…" The spaniel sniffed for a moment, then burst into a fit of inconsolable tears.

"But that doesn't make any sense," Katt thought to herself. "Who would kill Fox with you up and walking around? Unless they somehow didn't notice you until it was too late…"

"What about you, Slip?" Falco exclaimed, glaring at the frog. "Didn't you notice when they killed Fox? You share a room with him for gosh' sake!"

Slippy's usual green skin had gone as white as Fox's bed sheet, but he still found time to snarkily reply to Falco. "You know, you'd share this room too if you hadn't been given your own for the sole purpose of the Blue Steer can gag."

"Slippy! This is no time for jokes!" Katt reprimanded him.

"Look, it doesn't matter anyway," the amphibian said. "I know who did it. It was that Cerinian pirate lady."

Katt's eyes widened. "Say, you're right! Brilliant deduction, Slippy. Of course it was her. Who else is so heartless, so cruel, so dastardly evil and accustomed to the ways of pirates? Kursed had the motive, too; she was probably still steaming from when we foiled her plan to split us apart. And now she's got her revenge!"

"Actually I just read the inscription they carved into his head," Slippy pointed out. He directed their attention to a series of engraved ruins in the side of Fox's gold-colored head.

Everyone in the room gasped when they recognized the runes.

"The _Sea Cucumber!"_ Fay revealed.

"Then we have all the evidence we need!" Falco smacked a curled fist into his feathery hand. "Fox might no longer be with us, but we can still _avenge_ him. Now who's with me?!"

Everyone in the room raised their fists in the air, cheering, _"For Fox!"_

"Great," Miyu said. "Now can we stop pretending we can't tell Fox's head from a ship bell? I think we've carried the joke a little too far."

Falco sighed. "Yeah we've had our fun." And with some difficulty he lifted the heavy brass bell from Fox's hammock.

Fay wiped sweat from her brow. "Oh, good, I was wondering why all of us were pretending to be scared of that. But I don't think I get it _…_ "

* * *

 _sPeAkInG oF fOx…_

While the rest of the team were planning his rescue, Fox lay prone on a prison cot in the _Cerenity's_ brig. Believe it or not, sleeping on a wire prison bed was even more uncomfortable than sleeping in a hammock. Fox was so used to sleeping in a sagging bed that the cot's rigidness felt even more pronounced. He felt like he'd slept on a flat rock all night, and he hadn't gotten a wink of sleep at that. Every muscle in his body ached, and when he painfully sat upright and swung his legs off the bed he could barely move from the stiffness.

" _Ohhhh…"_ he groaned like a cow with osteoporosis.

He pivoted his head around, cracking his neck while sizing up the brig. The ship's hold was dark and musty. It was inky black except for the orange flickering light from a single lamp hanging by the door. The room was cramped beyond all decency or functionality. The fire martial's certification on the wall would probably say something like, "Maximum Occupancy: -15"—that is, if the fire martial could even get in to begin with. His brig cell was little more than a closet.

 _I've got to get out of here!_ Fox thought. _Maybe if I knock that lamp over I can set the entire ship on fire, and burn myself alive with it! Yeah!_

Fortunately it didn't have to come to that, as the trapdoor that lead up to the deck opened, allowing in a square beam of bright light. Fox clenched his teeth worriedly when he saw Kursed's first mate descend the ladder, followed by three more of her hunky Cerinian crew. The quartermaster approached his cell, and Fox panicked when he heard his key ring jingling. The Cerinian stooped over to unlock the cell, then swung the door wide open with a clang.

"Time's up bilge scum. The Kaptain has need of you."

Fox gulped and ducked out of the cell. Now surrounded by the four crew members—all of whom were taller than him—he asked, "Aren't you gonna tie me up or something?"

"Not yet. I don't want to carry your fat ass up another ladder again. Now _get_."

Fox jumped at his command and ran to the ladder, scurrying up as quickly as he could behind another one of the pirates. Finally out of the moldy ship hold he breathed in two lungfuls of fresh sea air. Then one of the crewmen shoved him along and he stumbled forward. Together they walked a short distance to Kursed's "kabin", with the quartermaster in front and Fox surrounded by the other guards. They kept a close eye on him, but it wasn't like he was in any position to try a daring escape.

"Hoo-hoo, shhhit! I don't envy this kid," one of the Cerinians said behind his back. When they spoke their voices were comically low, as if they were pitched down in post.

"Dude, he is gonna scream like a little kit when Kursed sinks her claws into him."

"Hot damn the kaptain is in a violent mood today! I wouldn't be surprised if she shredded his furry tail into party streamers."

"Dude, Johnson has a birthday coming up; it'd be perfect!"

"Hell yeah!" And the two Cerinians behind him slapped hands, causing Fox to flinch.

 _Dear god,_ he thought to himself, envisioning the horrible torture the woman was about to put him through. But nothing would prepare him for the reality about to confront him.

When they arrived at the door to the kaptain's stateroom the quartermaster straightened his posture and quickly groomed himself, then knocked.

 _"Kome in,"_ Kursed's sharp but muffled voice filtered through the door.

The first mate opened it and bowed inside, with the other Cerinians prodding Fox in behind him. One of them viciously kicked him forward, and Fox tripped on the door frame to sprawl onto all fours. When he looked up he came nearly face-to-skirt with Kaptain Kursed. The proud Cerinian vixen towered over him, in no small part due to her high-heeled, knee-length boots. He followed her slender legs up, which were clad in ripped black stockings. A matching black coat covered her torso, but it was opened to expose the soft white underfur of her chest and midriff. Finally he got to her fearsome face, which gazed down at him domineeringly. Fox immediately locked eyes with her—not because of how pretty they were, and they certainly were—but it was more of a deer in a pair of headlights look. Well, one headlight; the other being broken, as Kursed wore an eyepatch over her right eye.

When Fox felt the saliva welling in his mouth again, he swallowed it back down. He'd forgotten how much he missed the kaptain's sight after their first meeting, even if she was his greatest enemy.

The quartermaster bowed humbly. "My lady, we brought the prisoner."

Kaptain Kursed raised her eyebrows at Fox. "Ah yes, I see. Lash him to the mast."

Two of the Cerinians grabbed Fox's arms and yanked him to his feet. They dragged him kicking and struggling to a thick pole that stretched from floor to ceiling—it appeared to have been confiscated from another ship they raided. Fox certainly didn't like the look of it; the wooden pole had numerous nicks and pockmarks in it, most likely from the sword swipes of Kursed's vicious blade. There were several ominous blood stains covering the mast, and even claw marks dug deep in its side.

The Cerinians placed Fox's back against the pole and swung several loops of rope around his arms, chest, and legs, binding him to it. At least he could let himself go limp without falling over when he inevitably fainted from the pain. He might as well try looking on the bright side.

The crew members stepped back from their work, dusting off their hands. The third Cerinian set a case down on a table beside Fox. The container flipped open to reveal a plethora of cruel torture devices that spilled out: thumb screws, sparkling knives, fingernail peelers, branding irons, Cardi B CDs, and tooth pliers.

"NOOOO!" Fox shouted when the array of instruments tumbled out.

"That's… a little too far," Kursed admitted.

Looking disappointed, the crewman gathered the Cardi B CDs and scooped them back into the case. He smiled and glanced back up for approval.

"Much better," the vixen agreed, and Fox let out a sigh of relief. "Now, you may leave us. I need him alone for… _intensive_ interrogation."

The quartermaster looked shocked. "B-b-but my lady, we can't leave you alone with a dangerous prisoner—especially not one who has such vile thoughts of you! Imagine if he were to escape! We need to accompany you."

Kursed huffed and crossed her arms. "Please Masterquarter, it's like you don't even see me as a grown woman yet. I am a pirate queen—not some young fisherman's lass. I kan take kare of myself."

"But think what your father would say if he knew you were alone with a foreigner! And a lowly commoner at that!"

"Ah, but my father isn't here, Masterquarter. And as long as he isn't, _I_ am in kommand. Now, no more questioning my authority. You may go."

The quartermaster looked like he wanted to say more, but he willed his mouth closed. He bowed deeply and said, "Your will is my command." But out of the corner of his eye he glared threateningly at Fox. Finally the four crewmen exited and closed the door. Kursed withdrew her own keyring and ominously locked the door behind them, flashing Fox with her glittering fangs.

Fox distracted himself by glancing around the cabin's interior. He tried to memorize every facet of the room he could—for it might turn out to be the last room he'd ever see. The interior was lit by a wide glass window that wrapped around the rear of the cabin, laced with gold trim. A glass cabinet sat against one wall, filled with hand-crafted statuettes and jewelry that seemed thousands of years old—probably from whatever planet the Cerinians hailed from. What could it possibly be called?

His eyes were next drawn to the luxurious queen-sized bed on the other side of the cabinet, which was covered in a red satin quilt. The bed was almost in reach of the pole he was tied to, and Fox wanted nothing more than to fall onto the soft surface and squeeze in a good nap after the restless night he spent on the prison cot. Finally in another corner of the room stood a foldable changing screen, behind which sat an ornate wardrobe.

Next Kursed walked to the table with the case of torture instruments. She seemed to fondle a couple of them with a loving touch, but then carefully placed them back in their case. "We won't be needing these," she said. Then she strolled over to Fox and planted her feet in front of him. Her eyes darted back and forth as she searched his face. "No, my vulpine prince of red. You are now in my absolute kontrol. Every order I give thou shalt obey without question… on pain of death. But I'm not here to torture you, Mr…?"

"M-M-McCloud!" Fox blurted out.

"Ah, McKloud. But why dost though feel the need to be so formal? After my interrogation we shall know one another very, _very_ well. So tell me, what be your given name?"

Fox's countenance fell. "Fox," he mumbled dejectedly.

"Yes, I kan see ye are. But what is _your_ name?"

"But that _is_ my name!" he repeated. "As in it's the same as my species."

The Cerinian raised her eyebrows. "Your given name is _…_ _Fox?"_

"Yeah, Fox. Wanna make something of it?"

"N-no, it just sounds like a female stripper's last name."

Fox opened his mouth to fire back, then thought better of it. "Okay, I admit I haven't heard that one before."

Kursed cleared her throat and moved on. "Well then, Fox, I have no intention of torturing you _physically._ However, I still require specific information thou havest."

"You'll never get it out of me alive!" Fox burst out. _F &ck, why did I say that out loud?!_

"Oho, we'll see about that, my handsome prince…" She stepped uncomfortably close to him and cupped the side of his face with her paw. "I am going to _break_ that weak mind of yours. I am going to krush you into submission until you reveal every dirty thought you've ever had about—" She caught herself, looking down for a moment. "Er, haha, I mean, until you spill every secret you know about your band of pirates and the treasure you're guarding."

"D-do your worst!" Fox shot back.

"Thank you!" she smiled, "I was hoping thou wouldst choose the hard way. This will be most amusing."

The kaptain took a step back, slowly unfastening her jacket's belt.

"But first let me slip into something a little more—"

She released the coat and let it slip off her bare shoulders.

"—komfortable…"

* * *

 _Kontinued in Part 2..._


	6. The Kurse of Bluebeard P2

_Episode 3: The Kurse of Bluebeard (Part 2)_

* * *

.≋≋≋≋≋≋≋ ≋≋≋≋≋≋≋.

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Fox screamed and clenched his eyes shut when Kursed's coat slipped from her bare shoulders.

The pirate queen crouched into a fighting stance, swiveling her head left and right. "What, where, what is it?! I don't see anything…"

Fox tentatively peeked through one of his eyes, then let out a sigh of relief when Kursed was still dressed beneath her shed coat. Instead she wore a white bandeau around her chest and a short black skirt.

"What?" Kursed asked, glaring at him for making her start.

"Oh, it was nothing—I just assumed you weren't, uh, wearing anything under that coat."

The vixen rolled her eyes in response. "I appreciate your futile attempt at modesty, Fox, but your vulgar peasant brain went straight to the gutter regardless. No, I'd never expose my body to a lowly foreigner. But, for a _handsome_ one…"

Fox looked up nervously, realizing he wasn't out of it just yet. Hurriedly he changed the subject. "So, uh, y-you were gonna interrogate me or something?"

Kursed coughed. "Yes, of kourse. By the end of our little _session,_ I plan to know the secrets of thy krew, thy fort's hidden defenses, thy knowledge of the treasure, and the layout of the nearby town so we may easily raid it. But most importantly: Dildo Rock."

The name seemed to ring a bell, but Fox couldn't place it. "Okay, so Episode #1 was awhile ago, and I've kinda forgotten the plot since then. I need you to explain this to me like I'm retarded. Why do you want Dildo Rock again? That is, besides the obvious."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Besides the—oh thou dirty—! Ye pretend to not know the true value of Dildo Rock. What dost thou take me for, a fool? Dost thou not know the old sailor's rhyme?" She cleared her throat and began to recite:

" _In Sapphire Sea lies the treasure of yore;_

 _The Gatekeeper of the dimensional door_

 _To find the treasure, first seek Dildo Rock_

 _It points the way—just…"_

But here Kursed trailed off and awkwardly coughed into her first. "And, well, ye need not hear the rest. What matters is that Dildo Rock points the way to the Gatekeeper: the artifact kapable of opening doorways across the stars. It is responsible for bringing myself and many others to this strange, accursed planet of unending sogginess!"

"And this 'Gatekeeper' is valuable because…?"

"Because I want to go home!" Kursed exploded. She stamped her boot on the floor repeatedly like a spoiled brat. "I am a Cerinian princess, dammit! My family is hot shit on the planet from whence I kame hither. It was full of lush jungle and beautiful flora, kool fountains and plenty of sport to hunt! I was royalty, ye understand? I kould have my pick of any of the finest Cerinian princes who threw themselves at my feet. But _now…_ "

She melodramatically hurled herself onto the bed, landing spread-eagle and burying her face in a pillow. When she spoke her voice came out muffled. "Now I'm separated from my family across kountless distances in an alien world! The water is sour and makes one's fur slimy. The only kreatures to hunt are fish—besides peasant folk, of kourse—and I dearly miss the komforts of the royal palace! The softest beds, the most exquisite food, and warm baths!"

Kursed lifted her head from her pillow and glared at Fox. "And now I'm stuck on your damp excuse of a planet. _Where in hell's name is the land?!_ Was your species born in the water? And where is all the royalty? There's not an eligible prince within a thousand leagues of here! You've regressed back to a heathen _democracy_ where everyone is konsidered equal. How kan your society even function? Now the only men I have to look at are my attendant. They're no fun—I kould have any one of them at the snap of my fingers. But at least they hath manners and know how to guard their thoughts… unlike _you._ "

"So, you think this Gatekeeper thing will let you go back home?" Fox concluded.

"Yes—no one on this planet seems to believe in magic anymore. But through the years, this one legend hath survived. It is the only explanation. My only chance of getting back home…"

Was it Fox's imagination or did a sparkling tear escape the distressed vixen's eye? Either way he felt his heartstrings being tugged.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm stuck on Aquas, too. Me and my friends come from other planets like you, only we didn't fall through a… magic portal or anything like that. We came here by shuttle and our pilot ditched us, causing our ship to crash land."

Kursed looked over at him. "These words; pilot, shuttle, I do not understand them. You say you had a _flying_ ship?"

"Yeah, and if we could just find another shuttle we could escape this planet, only they all seem to have vanished. But that's beside the point. Both of us are marooned here. It sounds like the Gatekeeper could get us both back home." Fox licked his lips in preparation for his pitch. "Why don't we team up? If we work together and combine our forces, we'd have an easier time finding it. I'm sure it has enough magic juice to send us _both_ back!"

The pirate queen propped herself up on her arms, scratching her chin thoughtfully. "Hmm… Nah, I don't trust you. Thee and thy foreign brothers and sisters would double-cross me when the time kame, stealing the device and stranding us here forever. No, I'm afraid your little plea has failed. I don't need thee. I am the most powerful pirate in the nearby seas! No one kan stand in my way, and neither will ye." Kursed rolled off the bed and slinked over to Fox. She drew her sword from her belt, the blade singing through the air as its tip came to rest at Fox's throat. "Now tell me… _where is Dildo Rock?"_

Fox gulped, his Adam's apple bumping the sword's tip. "Um, haha, about that—I've never actually seen Dildo Rock myself; I've only heard about it."

"LIES!" Kursed exclaimed. She pressed firmly on the hilt until the sharp point pricked into Fox's neck. "Where is the rock?!"

"I-I seriously don't know!" he stammered.

Kursed stared daggers into his eyes—her gaze somehow sharper than the sword at his throat. When he still didn't talk she let her blade clatter to the floor and she drew herself closer to him. When their muzzles nearly touched she stopped and cupped Fox's head in one of her paws. "Then ye leavest me no other choice. My noble lineage was blessed with the gift of telepathy; if ye know of its location, I will find it. Now prepare thyself for the kranioscopy."

The vixen gently closed her eyes and exhaled on his face. Fox clenched his eyes and winced preemptively, then stopped. "Wait, that's a real word? UNGH!"

Like an arm thrust into his skull, Fox felt Kursed poking around inside his brain. It felt like she was sifting through a tub of old, discarded toys. Kursed sat haphazardly atop the pile of memories, picking them up in handfuls and tossing them carelessly over her shoulder. Some of them Fox had completely forgotten about.

 _Hey! So that's where I hid the base's outdoor key!_

Kursed flinched when she heard his voice, but continued scrounging around. Whenever she'd come upon an unsavory memory she'd pinch her metaphorical nose and handle the thought like it was a moldy gym sock. In fact some of his memories were indeed about sweaty gym socks.

 _Ouch. This doesn't feel anything like when you read my thoughts earlier…_

" _That's because I'm performing a deep dive,"_ Kursed explained. _"When we met at your fort I was only reading your surface thoughts—wait, I hath found it!"_ Kursed lifted a rubbery, transparent-pink object from the sea of knick-knacks.

 _No, that's an actual dildo. That looks like the one I accidentally saw when we visited Miyu's dorm…_

Kursed shook the toy, watching as the shaft swung back and forth. Sighing, she tossed it over her shoulder and it bounced away. She continued on like this for some time, with Fox physically contorting and flinching the more she dug through his mind. But eventually she reached the bottom of his figurative drawer of memories without finding anything. Unbeknownst to Kursed, he was telling the truth; he hadn't seen the rock himself, only heard about it from an embarrassed Katt.

In a flash Kursed extricated herself from his mind, and the two vulpines returned to the physical world. Kursed shivered and brushed her clothes off, even though they hadn't left the room. Fox merely groaned after his release.

"There, satisfied?" he spat.

"No. Ye are kraftier than I expected." She pointed an accusatory finger at him. "Ye hath dealt with telepaths before and practiced keeping thy memories guarded!"

"What? That's ridiculous! No one I know is telepathic—in fact telepathy is just a myth in the rest of Lylat!"

"Then how dost thou explain your kanine wench?"

Fox repeated the phrase 'canine wench' to himself under his breath. "Wait, you mean _Fay_?"

"Last night when we kidnapped you, I was unable to sense any of her thoughts. She is skilled beyond even the strongest telepaths I knew on Cerinia! No one, I repeat _no one_ kan even hide their surface thoughts like she!"

"Fay?" Fox repeated, " _psychic?!_ Why didn't she ever tell me! That could've come in handy… _"_

Kursed's frustration was visibly mounting. She wrung her hands together and glanced everywhere about the cabin—that is, everywhere but Fox. She seemed to be trying to keep her eye off him while she considered her next step, but Fox caught her stealing guilty sidelong glances at him anyway. _What is she thinking?_

After a few moments the vixen seemed to make up her mind. "Well, thou art proving quite the adversary, Fox. You appear unswayed by physical torment, and ye hath resisted a deep dive by an excellent telepath. It seems I hath exhausted all of my tactics against ye…"

Fox's ears perked. "Uh, ha-ha, does that mean you're gonna release me?" He smiled nervously.

"…Every tactic save _one_."

"Nuts."

While Fox's hopes plummeted, Kursed retreated to the spacious, wraparound window at the back of the room. While making eye contact with the young tod, she drew the purple-colored curtains shut, casting a passionate violet tint over the cabin's interior.

 _Who's she afraid might see us?_ Fox thought to himself. _There's just ocean and rocks out there…_

Kursed returned to the bed in front of the mast and sat down. She extended her leg and thrust her booted foot into his stomach. "Well, don't just stand there. Take it off."

Fox glanced down at his bindings. "Um, I can't move pretty much anything, remember?"

The vixen rolled her eyes. "Ugh! I have to do everything myself around here." She withdrew her foot from Fox's stomach and peeled the boot off herself, setting it beside the foot of her bed. She repeated the process with the other boot.

Fox laughed nervously. "I hope you're just changing into that other outfit like you said… right?"

She ignored him. "Cerinian royals are taught more than one way to overpower our opponents. But this last method is a secret we ladies keep from our kounterparts. It is an ancient art of interrogation practiced by Cerinian royals generations and generations before me."

Fox gulped. "N-n-n-now hold up! Let's keep our clothes on. If you think you can twist the information out of me with sexual favors you're just wasting your time!"

Kursed gasped. "A Cerinian princess would never stoop so low as to trade her purity for knowledge! This isn't about debaucherous favors, thou kretin! It is a battle for your mind. The male brain is easy to kontrol—especially with a body such as mine own. Over the years we perfected the art of overpowering a victim's thoughts not in their head, but from the _physical realm_ _._ Given enough stimulation, you will become putty in my hands, and I will kontrol the very thoughts that kome to your mind. Once thy brain hath been reduced to a malleable, childlike state, your higher functions and your practiced telepath defenses will cease to work, and you will be powerless. Via simple thought association, you will involuntarily think of Dildo rock!"

As Kursed talked she continued undressing. She next folded her slender legs so she could remove each of her torn stockings.

"I must konfess, I've been eager to try this method on some fair prince, but… I am a little loathe to practice it on someone with your standing."

"What do you mean, ' _your_ standing'? What's wrong with my standing?! It was 'Prince' a little while ago!"

Discarding her stockings, Kursed stood barefoot before him and reached for her skirt. She unfastened the front, but held onto it for a few seconds.

"Lest you think I am some kommon street harlot, I am only doing this because it is _absolutely_ necessary. I-I bear no attraction to a kommoner such as yourself! In fact this act disgusts me, and I want it to be known it brings me no modicum of pleasure."

With that said she let the skirt drop to her feet. Using her arms to daintily balance herself, she stepped from the article and slid it to the side with her foot. Finally Kursed reached up and removed her eyepatch, revealing… another perfectly normal, if equally haunting, eye.

"Wait, why do you even wear that eyepatch?" Fox couldn't resist asking. "'Cause I just assumed you had a horribly scarred eye or maybe it was even missing or something."

"Oh, no!" Kursed exclaimed. "Not at all. It just… komes with being a pirate. If one is to be a pirate queen, one must play the part in full."

"Phew, okay, that's good. It's just that my rival also wears an eyepatch and it was unsettling me…"

Deciding she didn't care about his backstory, Kursed twisted around and tiptoed behind the changing screen by her wardrobe. Glancing back at Fox a few times in an obvious fashion, she positioned herself just behind the screen so that it hid only the left half of her body. Satisfied with her staging, she proceeded to strip off her chest wrap and black thong, draping them over the changing screen. She flung her wardrobe open and sifted around inside. Fox craned his neck to see as well. Past several outfits of black coats and skirts (all of which were identical) he spotted a shelf full of aquariums. Each glass habitat was filled with fish pebbles and glowing, fluorescent blue water. The aquariums didn't seem to accommodate fish, but rather marine invertebrates and mollusks.

With her back turned to Fox, Kursed handled a pair of tongs and lifted out a pair of half-shell clams from one of the tanks. To Fox's dismay, rather than eating them, she affixed the clams to her breasts as a form of covering. The shells made loud suction-cup noises as they latched on. The vulpine's eyes bulged; he couldn't believe what he was witnessing. But she repeated the ritual again, this time removing an orange speckled starfish and affixing it to her groin. Fox's jaw plummeted open in disgust. _There's no way any of those even stay on—!_

Finally Kursed slipped out from behind the screen, clad only in the articles she'd taken from the aquarium wardrobe. The ivory white clam shells lay snug against the front of each breast, fixed in place without strap or sling. Likewise the starfish had grabbed onto her abdomen for dear life, just barely covering the essentials.

"That's _it?!"_ Fox blurted out.

"I said I was slipping into something more komfortable!" Kursed defended herself. "Such garb is necessary for the operation." Then, sucking in a nervous breath, she put on her best sultry act. Placing her hands on her bare hips, she strutted across the room and paused in front of Fox, fixing him with an inviting smile.

Fox felt his heart begin to pump into overdrive; he couldn't tear his eyes off her. Like she predicted, the ruthless pirate lord-turned blushing nymph had seized complete control of his attention. Altogether the outfit left little to Fox's hyperactive imagination, while still taunting him with the strategic bits it concealed. Even her long, tangled purple hair did more to cover her than the sea creatures. She looked like a mermaid had braved her way onto land, taking most of the sea with her as a coat of beautiful blue and white fur, nearly all of which was bared to Fox. But she still wore that silver coronet studded with teal gemstones, retaining her last semblance of royal dignity.

Fox's face boiled like lava, and he became increasingly aware of his thin, insufficient pair of underwear. He involuntarily swallowed. "I guess this is what you meant by the hard way, huh?"

"What?" Kursed looked down at the obvious bulge in Fox's shorts and jumped when she saw it. "AAH!"

"I mean, what else did you expect to happen?"

Kursed retreated backwards until her legs bumped up against her bed. "Forgive me, I just wasn't expecting it to be so… I mean I thought I'd have to do more to… that is, what I'm trying to say is…" But she lost each train of thought, seemingly petrified by the sight. Was it his imagination, or was she trembling? Regardless, she eventually regained her composure. Clasping her hands and bowing her head, she recited a quick prayer. "Forgive me, oh exulted ones, for what I must do."

Fox's eyes widened. "Uh, uh, what must you do exactly?"

Kursed didn't answer the question—at least not verbally. But the rest of her spoke volumes. With Fox's eyes locked on her every move the vixen climbed onto her bed and sprawled across it. She lay seductively on her side, staggering her legs and propping her head up on an elbow. Her mischievous elfin eyes fixed him with a saucy stare, and her tail flicked back and forth behind her, like a predator watching its prey.

"Tell me, Fox…" she began, but her face visibly flinched when she pronounced his bland name, as if she had just tasted a lime. "Tell me… am I pretty? Doth ye find me attractive? Speak kandidly."

Fox's mouth slowly dropped open as he traced her with his eyes, and when he spoke his speech was slurred. "Sure… I mean, anyone would be blind not to. I think you're the most gorgeous—but also the most frightening—girl I've ever met."

Kursed laughed pleasantly, which caught Fox off-guard. "There, you admit it. I was worried a lowly kommoner like you might not appreciate my full, transcendent beauty—and you still might not, if 't be true thy desires art purely _karnal_ in nature." With her free hand she absently traced the bare curve of one of her salacious hips, though in reality every move and position was thoroughly calculated.

As if jabbed by a tranq dart, Fox's tongue lolled from his mouth while his muscles relaxed, and his whole body sagged forward. Suddenly none of the possible tortures he'd been confronted with seemed to amount to anything anymore. He felt he could endure any pain if the vixen—no, the _goddess_ posing before him were at the other end of the thumb-screws. _Lady, you can tie me up anytime…_

She grinned at him as if she'd heard his stray thought.

Which she had.

 _Any time thou wishest, Fox._

At the sound of the vixen's thoughts he snapped out of his trance. "Y-you're in my head again, aren't you?"

A feathery caress seemed to stroke his brain, confirming his fears. _Of kourse I am, Fox. Your mind is as an open book. Well, at least, most of it. There's just one little piece of information I need._

"A-a-and you're doing all this to get me to think sexual thoughts to control my brain or something, right?"

 _That is the gist of it…_

Fox's face hardened, and he seemed to remember that he was the leader of Star Fox for once. That is to say, Star Fox _Junior_ Squad at the moment.

"You listen here you sapphire _succubus_. I'm not about to betray my friends for some spoiled princess chick no matter how hard she conks her bazongas together. So you might as well give up now. No amount of flirting can drag it out of me! And I've had enough of you treating me like I'm the scum of the sea just because I don't have royal blood or I'm not filthy rich. I'm just as cultured as the next fox, so come off that high horse. Really, if you think you can flash some fur and I'll just _freely_ give out that information, you're in for a shock. I'm not the leader of my team for nothing. I wasn't born into this role. I had to _earn_ it, with my own blood, sweat, and tears. I'm not about to betray any of my teammates' trust just for some bimbo like you. Unless you have sex with me."

"I am never having sex with you."

"Like I was saying, you'll never get it out of me! I won't even let a single dirty thought pass through my head. Good luck controlling my mind or whatever."

"Oh we'll see about that. When I set my mind to it I kan be quite irresistible." Making good on her threat, Kursed rolled onto her back and swung her legs over the side of the bed. Her loose breasts splayed left and right, barely contained by the shell cups. She looked awkwardly down her torso at Fox. "Believe it or not, this is my choice of attire when I hath time to myself. Other people weren't meant to see me in it; it was made for komfort. Tell the truth, Fox, the shells don't leave much to the imagination, do they?"

Fox swallowed a bucket of saliva but otherwise didn't answer.

Kursed cupped the clamshells with her hands and squeezed them together at the center of her chest. "Oh kome now, you must have _some_ idea of what's underneath, don't ye? Don't tell me you're klueless."

Fox's face began to turn beat red, and a vein on his forehead popped out. His whole skull shivered and a look of pure concentration covered his face. But finally he gave in, following Kursed's biding and imagining her minus the shellfish braziers.

Kursed gasped. "Why Fox, thou dirty rogue! After you built yourself up to be the stalwart bastion of chivalry, your true kolors show through. Imagining what a woman looks like naked—and a princess too! You dare to mentally defile me…"

The vixen placed an arm around her chest and a hand over the starfish about her abdomen, as if shielding herself from Fox's X-ray vision.

"Hey, I'm sorry, but you're sending mixed signals right now. I'm really confused!"

Kursed twisted to lie on her stomach in order to further hide herself, glaring at Fox with burning eyes. But after a few seconds her pride seemed to recover and she resumed her outgoing act—though at this point Fox couldn't tell which was the act and which was her genuine persona. He suspected it was a little bit of both. Now she kicked her feet back and slowly waved them back and forth. Her breasts proved too ample and were squashed between her torso and the bed, squeezing out from the sides. But the coup de grace was her backside, which was bare except for her fluffy tail. The starfish was only dexterous enough to cover her front, meaning her hindquarters were left out in the breeze.

"You know, Masterquarter was right. I don't blame him for being afraid to leave me alone with thee. After all, you are kompletely uncivilized—little more than a dumb animal. All you obey are your primal desires. You want to satisfy that burning in your loins upon me; I kan feel it. Without my bodyguards here I am so weak and defenseless. _Imagine_ what a young man like you might do if you were to somehow escape those bonds…"

Try as he might, Fox couldn't help but obey and envision the depraved scenario Kursed painted for him. He could feel the vixen in his mind, observing every image he conjured up.

"A monster like you would take me right here and now on this very bed! You'd pin my arms and hold me down before having your sick way with me, thou beast!"

The more Kursed talked, the more vivid his manufactured fantasies became. They were startlingly real, but… something was odd about the way Kursed spied on them. She intruded into his thoughts, soaking in each wild position he imagined the two of them sharing. She was practically feeding off his thoughts like some sort of mind leech. Verbally she kept informing him that she condemned his gross fantasies… but her constant, eager surveillance perhaps betrayed a secret.

Regardless, Fox clenched his eyes shut and violently shook his head. "Noooo! Must. Resist. The gutter!"

Sure enough, Kursed's 'psychological torture' seemed to be having more of an affect on _her_ than him. Shimmering beads of perspiration formed on her body, covering it in a reflective sheen. Her breaths became more ragged and desperate, and she noticeably swallowed.

That is, up until the point where Fox resorted to biting his own tongue. "YEEOW!" the tod cried, hurriedly blowing warm breath through his mouth in order to sooth the aching muscle. But the pain successfully took his thoughts off the seductive vixen as he intended. Kursed's wheels abruptly grounded to a halt, and an irked expression came over her face.

"That's odd. I've never been able to make a prisoner torture _themselves_ before…"

"Ah hah ooh geh cre-a-ive," Fox managed while nursing his tongue.

Frustrated, Kursed slipped off the bed and wiped the sweat from her brow. She retreated to her wardrobe, and Fox worried she might find a way to wear something even _skimpier._ However she returned holding a large mollusk-like creature, the likes of which Fox had never seen before. While its shell was completely normal, it had a long siphon-shaped appendage that flopped about, the phallic nature of which was not lost on Fox.

"Oh gooh goh, whah in Lylah ih thah?"

Kursed gave the shellfish a wiggle. "This? It's a delicacy around these waters. It's kalled a geoduck, and is known for its aphrodisiac properties." Then as an aside she added, "Seriously, google images of this shit. It's whack."

Fox stopped favoring his tongue long enough to say, "You're not gonna make me eat that, a-are you?"

"No…" but she trailed off in a way that convinced Fox whatever she had in mind was probably worse. Sure enough, to the tod's horror, she knelt down in front of him… and gave the geoduck's siphon an exaggerated lick.

Suddenly Fox didn't feel so good. "Oh no, Kursed, please…"

The vixen looked up and made eye contact while taking the second lick.

"I-I-I'm gonna be sick…"

But Kursed continued, now spitting a dollop of saliva onto the siphon's tip. She guided the rubbery shaft of flesh into her mouth and began noisily sucking on it. Despite Fox's initial revulsion, his mind couldn't help but picture a close mirror of the scene, just with one little substitution. He felt his face flush and his blood begin to run once again.

When the vixen noticed her success she thirstily dove back into Fox's mind to drink up the degrading act she was inspiring. She worked the geoduck faster and faster, bobbing her head back and forth over the shaft with machine-like precision.

Before either of them became any more aroused, Fox asked, "Hey, uh, aren't you supposed to cook shellfish first? You might get a vibrio infection."

At that moment Kursed had jammed the siphon as far down her throat as it would go, to the point of gagging on it. But as soon as Fox said this her eyes widened. Abruptly she choked and spat the geoduck back out, raining spittle over Fox's stomach.

* * *

Quartermaster Masterquarter strolled along the deck of the _Cerinity,_ the salty breeze ruffling his loose white shirt open to his chiseled chest. He marched with his hands behind his back, briefly nodding to the other sailors he passed and returning their gestures when they stopped to salute. Now that their main enemy was captured, his only task was to oversee the ship's security detail. He saw that the watch was properly attentive at each of their posts around the ship. They suspected (correctly) that the young fox captain's crew might show up to rescue him.

He halted in front of Kursed's kabin, scowling in distaste through the wood plank walls. If only he could see what was going on inside. He didn't trust the two of them alone together—not one bit. Regardless of the rogue's status, Kursed was a young woman, still new to behaving like a royal princess. Hopefully her discipline would win out in the end.

The Cerinian's eyes narrowed. Still, hadn't she had enough time with the lad? By now she usually had gotten the information she wanted or tortured her victims to death. What was taking so long?

Then Masterquarter caught sight of Kursed herself; she was struggling up from below deck, dressed in her black cloak and lugging a wooden bucket in her arms. Out of concern, he sidled over to her.

"Can I… help you with anything, my lady?"

Kursed froze in front of her kabin door. "Er, no, Masterquarter. I kan manage by myself, thank you."

But he scowled suspiciously at the contents of the bucket, now that he was close enough. It contained a bright purple-colored octopus who sloshed around in a few inches of water.

"What are you doing with that? Squid Sunday isn't until tomorrow."

"It isn't?" Kursed returned, obviously stalling for time. "Uh, well then, henceforth I declare every Saturday, 'Cephalopod Saturday'!"

The first mate cocked his head. "But you already changed it from Mollusk Monday _and_ Tentacle Tuesday just last week when I caught you—"

The vixen hastily threw up a show of anger to cover her plight. "Silence! Be glad I don't declare it Octopus October in a few months! Then you'll be eating the stuff till suction cups kome out of thine _ears!_ "

The quartermaster was taken aback. Once he recovered from her outburst he bowed. "Forgive me, my lady. I did not mean to question your fondness of the dish."

"Thou art forgiven, Masterquarter. Just don't make the same mistake again. I-I need this for… unconventional… psychological… torture… techniques. Yeah."

The two stood there for a few seconds, with Kursed nervously looking at her first mate and he staring down at the perpetually bewildered octopus. He didn't seem convinced.

"Well, I must be going…"

And faster than Masterquarter's eyes could follow, Kursed opened the door, slipped in, and slammed it shut behind her. The unmistakable noise of a key locking reached his attentive ears. Masterquarter stood in front of the closed door for a few more moments, then turned away while shaking his head.

 _I don't even want to know…_

* * *

While Masterquarter was distracted by the princess' antics, a smaller vessel stealthily approached the _Cerinity._ It was the compact motorboat stolen from Gelato Island, in which Katt, Falco, Miyu, Fay, and Slippy currently sat.

"You sure this is the place, Slippy?" Katt asked as they approached a large group of rocks jutting out from the ocean.

Slippy looked down at his tablet, which displayed one of the maps he'd _also_ stolen from Gelato Island. "It certainly looks like it. I think this is Custard Crag."

'Custard Crag', as Slippy called it, was a tall rock formation that rose from the water like jagged teeth or the ridged back of a Spinosaurus. The iron-red peaks glistened with speckles of water cast by waves breaking against their sides. If sailors weren't careful they could easily find their ship dashed against the rocks or even impaled during a storm.

"Well this doesn't look anything like custard," Falco crossed his arms in obvious disappointment.

"I think they just chose it for the alliteration," Slippy admitted.

"Why'd you think the Cerinians would be here in the first place?" Miyu asked.

"Well, they have to be based close to our lagoon or the inland town—Dildo Rock is Kursed's true objective, and we're the only obstacle standing in her way. I also figure they need to hide behind some cover out at sea, and Custard Crag was the most obvious place."

Miyu let out a puff of air. "Oh come on. If it's such an obvious place, wouldn't they be aware of that? If they're smart they'd just pull further out to sea or hide along the uninhabited coast. The odds of us finding them in literally the most obvious spot are a million to—"

"There they are!" Fay nearly screamed.

"—Oh goddammit!"

The rest of the team followed Fay's finger and spotted the corner of a dark blue sail between two of the stone teeth.

"Cut the engine!" Katt ordered, and Slippy shut it down so their approach wouldn't be heard. "Let's pull in close to the rocks and creep around the left side—that way they won't be able to see us. Just be careful not to get tossed against the cliffs."

"Gotcha." Slippy used the rudder to steer them in close like Katt directed, while Falco and Miyu did their best to row now that the engine was off.

Once they rounded the corner of the rock wall they came upon the aft side of the _Cerinity_. The vessel was just as magnificent and imposing as when it had first pulled into their lagoon. The galley ship sat low to the water's surface—squat enough for the crew to sit on benches and use oars to propel her forward. The hull was elegant and painted pearly white, though it was beginning to wear off in places. A trio of masts rose several stories above the main deck, carrying billowing sails of lush blue cloth. Luckily they were creeping up behind the ship, so unless an occupant in the captain's quarters happened to notice them, they would be safe.

Katt snapped her fingers. "Alright, I've got a plan."

Slippy and Fay looked towards the prow where Katt sat, while Miyu and Falco continued to row.

"I've given it a lot of thought, and I think Fay is our best shot at rescuing Fox."

The spaniel placed a palm on her chest. " _Me?_ You want _me_ to save Fox?"

"Hear me out. Last night while you were up and walking around, that blue witch kidnapped Fox right from under your nose. As we've seen before, she has the uncanny ability to read minds. If she had sensed you there she would have subdued you as well rather than risk alarming you. The fact that you were never accosted proves she couldn't read your mind."

"Wow!" Fay exclaimed. "So does that mean my brain was too strong for her?"

For awhile no one answered. Falco coughed awkwardly, then Miyu finally cleared her throat.

"Um, yeah Fay! That's it. Your brain is… too impenetrable."

Fay clenched her fists. "Awesome!"

"Like I was saying," Katt continued, "You're the only one who can sneak past Kursed and save Fox. To give you an even better shot, the rest of us will act as a distraction. But I won't sugarcoat it Fay; it'll be dangerous. Are you up for the task?"

Fay bit her tongue and gave Katt a thumbs-up. "If it's for Fox, I'll do anything!"

"That's the spirit! Now Slip, pull in close to the _Cerinity._ We can use the anchor chain to climb up…"

"Gosh I hope I can find Fox before it's too late!" Fay squeaked worriedly. "I can only imagine what horrible torture that fiend is putting him through…"

* * *

 _Continued in Part 3…_

* * *

 _A/N_ _: Sorry it's been a month, but I've been pretty busy with my senior year. I promise the wait won't be as long for Part 3!_

 _Also, thanks Professor Slaad for noticing that plothole. Originally I had Kursed develop telepathy as a result of eating Aquas' infected food, but now I've changed it so that all Cerinian royalty possess it. Honestly I like the first idea better, but it was easier to cut half a paragraph from chapter 2 than to fix everything here :P_


	7. The Kurse of Bluebeard P3

_Episode 3: The Kurse of Bluebeard (Part 3)_

* * *

.≋≋≋≋≋≋≋ ≋≋≋≋≋≋≋.

* * *

" _Please, I beg you, stop! I can't take it anymore, just end my suffering! I regret I was ever born to endure this torment. Put me out of my misery!"_

But Fox's pained plea fell on deaf ears. Once again Kursed sat on the edge of her bed, now cradling the purple octopus in her lap. Fox watched in horror as its oozing tentacles explored the surface of her bare fur, leaving it glistening with… whatever octopuses ooze with. Probably something nasty I shouldn't wonder. Fox couldn't help but imagine the tentacles' ultimate destination, even though Kursed was still wearing the shellfish braziers and thong. To Kursed it was the fantasy that mattered, and she scrutinized every moment of Fox's vivid imagination with curiosity and excitement. She panted heavily, chest heaving with her eyes nearly rolled back.

"Aren't you supposed to be like, interrogating me or something?!" Fox exclaimed.

"Th-this is part of that!" Kursed breathlessly returned.

Finally she couldn't stand it any longer herself. With one swift motion she scooped the poor octopus off her lap and hurled it through the air. It sailed through the cabin and miraculously landed in one of her wardrobe's aquariums, where it sank to the bottom, its large eyes blinking in confusion.

"Ohhh, what's the use?"

Kursed hoisted herself off the bed and stumbled to the masthead, where she threw herself at the vulpine. Between breaths she gasped out, "I submit! You win! I… I need you, you peasant trash."

"Wh-what?!" Fox exclaimed. His blood ran cold when he felt Kursed's arms slip around him and begin loosening the ropes. "No! Stop! How do I turn you off… Uh, cease! Desist! Th-thou shalt not releaseth mineself! No that can't be right…"

To his dismay the coils of rope around him came loose within seconds. He ducked beneath Kursed's constricting arms and backed towards the bed.

Kursed turned to follow him. "Why fight it, Fox? We're only lying to ourselves. It dost not matter that we're enemies or that I'll probably feed thee to the sharks and gulls when we're done. You wanted me before, didst thou not? So why resist? _Give in_."

Fox kept backing up until his knees struck the edge of the bed, causing him to fall backwards onto it. "I-I-I-I-I've changed my mind! I'm not so sure now that this is a good idea—"

But Kursed pounced on him, pinning him to the bed. _"Take me Fox!_ I want you to #$%& me in my #$$%#& with your fat #$%&!"

Fox jammed his eyes shut and screamed, making the Sign of the T-Rating on his chest. As a result a brilliant flash of emerald light shone through the room, blinding the two foxes. A glowing green 'T' shape slowly rose into the air from Fox's chest, and Kursed felt an invisible force levitating her off Fox's body and pushing her back.

The 'T' continued to grow until it was larger than a person. Its light was so bright the two couldn't stare directly at it. It looked kinda like—

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

TTTTTTTTTTTTTT

TTTTTTTTTTTTTT

TTTTTTTTTTTTTT

TTTTTTTTTTTTTT

TTTTTTTTTTTTTT

TTTTTTTTTTTTTT

TTTTTTTTTTTTTT

TTTTTTTTTTTTTT

…Yeah, I guess kinda like that.

Kursed tried to push her way back to Fox but only encountered a featureless barrier between them. "What, what's going on?!"

She was answered by a powerful, booming voice that seemed to come from everywhere at once. _"FICTION T: SUITABLE FOR TEENS, 13 YEARS AND OLDER, WITH SOME VIOLENCE, MINOR COARSE LANGUAGE, AND MINOR SUGGESTIVE ADULT THEMES."_

Fox peeked through his fingers at the hovering letter T, while Kursed trembled on the floor in fear.

When the echoes of its deep voice finally faded, it cleared its throat and added, _"Seriously, like, y'all foxes are disgusting. The blue one in particular is just plain nasty. Like, get help. See a therapist or some shit. I'm out…"_ And the 'T' blinked from existence, leaving Fox and Kursed to stare slack-jawed at one another.

A knock sounded at the door, startling them. _"My lady, we have a situation on deck!"_

"It's Masterquarter!" Kursed gasped.

Fox hoisted himself off the bed and placed his back against the mast again. "Quick, tie me back up, before he catches us!"

Kursed grabbed the rope and likewise scrambled to her feet, hurriedly looping it around Fox's chest, arms, and legs. She didn't have time to tie a complete knot, so she just let Fox hold it in place himself. Then she flung on her black coat and buttoned it tightly about her waist. Finally she straightened her hair and brushed the wrinkles from her clothes, assuming a regal pose. Calmly she opened the door and admitted the quartermaster.

The larger Cerinian ducked inside, his eyes immediately darting to Fox. "Hmm… For spending nigh on an hour with him, the knave doesn't look the least bit hurt."

Kursed growled. "Are you going to start that again? Remember thy place. But if thou must know, I've been torturing Fox from the inside-out. His brain is nearly putty in my hands."

"Oh, so it's 'Fox' now, is it? I see. So, has he at least revealed the location of the rock?"

The vixen's eyes widened. "Well, no, n-not yet. He has been trained in defensive arts against the likes of telepaths such as myself. B-but I'm klosing in on the answer! A few more hours with the enemy and I'll krack him for sure!"

Masterquarter looked far from satisfied, but he returned to the subject at hand. "My lady, a rogue swordsman has boarded our ship"

"So? Kapture him."

"We tried to subdue him, but he's too skilled with his sword. He's slain _eight_ crewmen in hand-to-hand combat already!"

"This is awful! Eight men died? That means my living karpet is roughly…" She did some quick calculations on her fingers. "…Two-score and eight feet shorter! But this matter is quite perplexing. I will see to his defeat myself." She grabbed her trusty saber and lashed it to her belt, then marched past Fox. "You, prisoner; don't go anywhere."

"Yes ma'am!" Fox returned hurriedly.

And with that the pair of Cerinians exited and closed the door behind them, though Kursed slipped him one last creepy wink.

Fox let out a pent-up breath, relieved that Masterquarter hadn't inquired into their activities further. He didn't know who to fear more; the captain or her protective first mate. If he stayed, the spoiled princess would inevitably have her way and bed him, followed by torture at the hands of her crew before becoming a snack for the sharks. Death only waited for him here; the question was how much humiliation and pain would he suffer along the way. That is, unless he could escape when no one was looking…

The door creaked open, and Fox's spine stiffened. "I never touched her!" he exclaimed.

"Shh! Fox, it's me!"

Fox beamed when he realized it was Fay. The spaniel squeezed in through the door, then stealthily closed it shut behind her. She tiptoed over to Fox, looking around. "I saw the pirate lady and her first mate leave. Are we alone in here?"

"Yeah, we're safe! You came at just the right time. Thank god you're here!"

When her eyes landed on Fox her expression darkened until she seemed nearly moved to tears. "Oh Fox, what has that awful woman done to you?!"

"Trust me, you don't want to know! But I think I'll be fine now, as long as we can escape."

"You poor thing! You need to rest when we get back to the treehouse. I'll make sure you heal up real fast! But first I need to untie you." The canine disappeared behind the mast, and Fox soon felt her tugging at the loose knot that held him in place.

"No, wait, Fay! You don't need to do that. The knot's not tied at all! I can get out of here myself if you just let me—"

"Oops!" Fay exclaimed, and Fox felt the ropes tighten around his body. "Sorry Fox, I'm not really good with knots… B-but I'll have you out of here in a jiffy!"

"Ugh! Fine. Just hurry, will ya?"

* * *

Marching out across the deck, Kursed saw a black-clad figure standing silhouetted against the blue horizon. He pranced around the ship like an acrobat, balancing on the rails and yardarms, dancing around sailors, and swinging from overhead ropes. Genuinely impressed she said, "This fool has skill…"

Eventually she noticed a group of crewmen cowering nearby, their hands over their eyes. She viciously booted one from behind. "Get up! You kall yourselves servants of my father?! Why are you hiding from one man?"

One looked up at Kursed, taking his paws off his eyes. "Because he keeps shouting something about his "rose" and that we're not worthy to look upon it, so he must kill anyone who sees it. If we don't look at it, he can't _technically_ kill us. Quick ma'am! Look away before—oh no!"

Across the ship he made eye-contact with the intruder, who immediately flourished his sword. Grabbing a halyard, he swung from the front of the ship all the way to the aft, landing dramatically in front of Kursed and the other Cerinians. When he stood upright Kursed could finally make him out; he was a handsome jungle cat with ebony black fur and yellow eyes that pierced like harpoons. His outfit was entirely black save for a few bright silver buckles. He wore a wide-brimmed Cordovan hat and a mask over the top half of his face. A black cape swirled behind him with every movement or breeze of wind, and he brandished a thin, silver rapier. In fact the only splash of color on his person at all was a luscious red rose placed in his chest pocket.

He was also wearing tights.

"Ah-ha!" he exclaimed, placing the tip of his sword on the hapless Cerinian's nose. The sailor went cross-eyed so he could see it. "You made the mistake of looking upon my precious rose! And as I warned you, those who look upon said rose meet death. _Prepare to die!"_

The Cerinian gulped and drew his own cutlass, but he held it with a shaky grasp. All the other Cerinians wailed in fear and scattered, running for cover. They often bumped into one another or ended up running in circles because they refused to uncover their eyes and risk seeing his rose.

The pair's duel was a short one; the sailor took but a single clumsy swing, which came too slow. The swashbuckler effortlessly sidestepped and jabbed his rapier into the Cerinian's exposed ribs, ending the match before it could even begin. His opponent dropped his sword and clutched the growing swath of red in his shirt, dropping to the deck.

"Yeouch, that smarts!" he said before his eyes shut and his tongue blepped out.

Out of the corner of her mouth Kursed whispered to the quartermaster, _"How did this prancing prettyboy even get on here?"_

Masterquarter just shrugged. "I have no idea, your worship. He just showed up out of nowhere and began killing our men left and right. Worst of all he carves his name into everything…"

Leaving his victim to bleed out on the deck, the feline flitted about the ship, trying to shove his rose in everyone's face. " _Mira! Mira!_ Look at it! I dare you! Or are you scared to face me?" To his chagrin, everyone he met simply turned their faces and refused to look. The panther hung his head low and slunk away dejectedly, disappointed that no one would step up to his challenge. Finally he arrived back at Kursed and nearly tripped over his cape when he saw her. "Ahhhh! What beautiful angel graces my vision? I did not expect to find a woman of your class in such a treacherous place as the open seas!"

The vixen scowled at him. "I am Kaptain Kursed _,_ and these are my men thou art killing!"

"Kursed," the swordsman tasted the name on his tongue, "A fitting name for a fiery vixen. Allow me to introduce myself. I am _Señor José Diego García Ramirez Caroso de Fortuna_ , but you can call me… literally any of those names, I don't even care, just pick one. I can't remember if that's the correct order come to think of it. I probably forgot one somewhere from _mi madre's_ side… Oh, which reminds me!"

With a flourish of his sword, he carved his excruciatingly-long name into the Cerinian he had just speared. The sailor, who was in fact _not_ dead, cried out painfully with each stroke. Finally he wiped the blood from the tip of his sword with a handkerchief.

" _That makes nine men he's carved his long-ass name into,"_ Quartermaster whispered in her ear. _"It's not only the men, either; he's taken to carving it into the ship as well. And we can't just apply calking and paint over it—we have to repaint the whoooole ship or the new spots will show."_

At this Kursed gnashed her teeth. "Enough!" she exclaimed. "This ends now! I saw your bloody rose, so fight me!"

Caroso's face brightened. "Ahh! But you _are_ my rose! My _beautiful_ sapphire violet. I would think twice about sparring with me, however. You see, I have a large bounty on my head around these waters for the many crimes I have committed! …many of them vandalism… But you can see my bloody handiwork firsthand. Trust me, my blue firebrand, you do not want to cross swords with me. Besides, I've never harmed a lady—on my honor!"

Quartermaster Masterquarter moved his hand to stop her, but Kursed drew her own saber anyway. "What's wrong puss-in-boots, art thou scared to fight a woman?"

Caroso twirled his little mustache. "Oh-ho-ho! Then you are serious. I only hesitated because I thought I sensed a MeToo trap. Well, I accept your challenge!" With a flourish he crouched into a fighting stance. _"En garde!"_

* * *

While Kursed and the feline had at it, a blue-feathered head and beak poked themselves over the ship railing and looked around. Judging that the enemies' eyes were glued to the swordfight, Falco crawled the rest of the way over and slouched against the rail, panting. When he regained his breath he reached back over and helped Katt, then Miyu, and with much difficulty Slippy, onto the deck. They had used the anchor chain to climb aboard.

Together the four teammates rose to their feet, brandishing makeshift weapons. Unfortunately they weren't allowed to bring laser pistols and other guns with them because of their public flight, so they had to make do. Falco held a piece of plywood with a nail protruding from one end, Katt brought a squirt gun filled with lemon juice, Miyu flailed a soggy towel, and Slippy carried a lighter and a can of bug spray they'd purchased from town. Though even if they had guns they didn't stand a chance against an entire crew of Cerinians—each of whom were stronger than them.

"You sure this was such a good idea?" Miyu asked with a twinge of worry in her voice.

"We can handle ourselves," Katt assured her. "You've never seen us fight, but Falco and I are good in a pinch. All we need to do is hold them off long enough for Fay to rescue Fox, then we can beat it. Our goal isn't to defeat Kursed and her whole pirate crew."

"Oh I've seen you two fight alright…"

"Lemme at 'em!" Falco exclaimed. "I'll beat the first furry blue ass that comes my way!"

Quartermaster Masterquarter's ear twitched, and he turned around to see them. " _You!_ So you finally grew enough backbone to come and rescue your leader, did you?"

"Of course!" Katt returned, "We weren't just gonna let you get away with it."

The Cerinian fearlessly strolled into their midst. When he saw their weapons he released a hearty laugh. "Well, you have courage, I'll give you that! Courage or stupidity. You couldn't hurt a beached seal with those armaments. You're outnumbered more than ten-to-one! Give up now and your deaths will be merciful."

"If you're so confident you can beat us, why not prove it?" Katt challenged him.

"Please! You are carrying a "gun of water", as the people here call it. What are you going to do, squirt it in my eyes? OW MY EYES!"

Sure enough Katt released a stream of lemon juice into the quartermaster's face, blinding him with acid. From behind Miyu whipped his posterior with her wet towel, the resounding _crack_ reaching the ears of everyone aboard. Masterquarter yipped and jumped into the air, clutching his rear when he landed. But Falco followed up by swinging his wooden board straight into the Cerinian's gut, knocking the wind out of him with enough force to score a grand slam with his pancreas. He collapsed on the floor, wheezing in pain while curling into a fetal position.

" _What… just…"_

Adding insult to injury, Slippy bent over him and sprayed his fur with a healthy whiff of bug spray. Masterquarter ingested a healthy whiff and exclaimed, "Mmm, grape!" before Slippy sparked the lighter and setting him on fire. Flames spread rapidly spread across his fur and the vulpine unleashed an other-worldly scream, rolling around the deck like one possessed.

Slippy nonchalantly blew out his lighter before pocketing it, while everyone else stared in horror at the burning Cerinian. "Welp, I'm gonna see what's taking Fay so long. Hold them off until I get back, will you?" And with that he turned and strolled to Kursed's cabin.

Finally one of the other crewmembers had the wherewithal to grab a bucket of water and douse the first mate in it, extinguishing him. The poor sailor collapsed onto the deck with a sigh, his arms and legs flopping out before he fainted. But now the Cerinians' attention had squarely shifted from Kursed's duel to the three intruders that stood on the deck.

Miyu gulped. "This doesn't look so good…"

* * *

Slippy poked his thick head into the cabin, looking around. "Fox? Fay? You two in here?"

"Slippy, thank goodness it's you!" Fox said.

Slippy entered and shut the door behind himself. "We sent Fay ahead to rescue you, but she was taking too long, so I went after her. I was worried she might've been caught, so I'm glad to see—"

The amphibian stopped in his tracks the moment he saw the scene before him. Fox was still in his underwear and tied to the mast as usual, but behind him was Fay, somehow tied upside- _down_ to the other side of the pole.

"Oh, so they did get you too!" Slippy realized.

"Don't ask, please…" Fay begged him.

"No Slippy, Fay accidentally tied _herself_ to the pole…"

The frog narrowed his eyes at Fox. "Was that sarcasm, or—?"

"I'm dead serious! She was trying to untie me, but somehow only got herself in the same mess! She must look ridiculous back there, right?"

"Uh, yeah, you could say that…" Slippy said while stifling a laugh.

Fay began thrashing back and forth violently. "Well don't just stand there, get me dowwwwn!"

Slippy rushed to the mast and began working the spaniel and vulpine free from their bindings. He released Fay first, and the girl abruptly fell to the ground with a _thud,_ flailing her arms on the way down. He freed Fox much more gently. The tod stretched and rubbed the lacerations on his body; after all, he'd been tied in place for several hours.

"Sorry I don't have any extra clothes with me Fox, or I'd get you something. I could check Kursed's wardrobe for—"

Fox's eyes bulged and he waved a hand. "Forget it! I'm not wearing a sea urchin on my dick. Now where's everyone else?"

"They're holding off the Cerinians," Slippy explained. "There seems to be another intruder who's having an… actual swordfight with Kursed? No idea who he is, but he couldn't have had better timing."

"Don't know don't care! Let's get out of here before Kursed comes back and finishes me off…"

* * *

As a Cerinian princess, Kursed was trained in the ways of sword-fighting, though mostly for ceremonial purposes. Once transported to Aquas she found herself thrust into a strange world deprived of all the usual comforts of royalty. Masterquarter and the rest of her men taught her more practical, utilitarian styles of sword-fighting. She proved an avid learner and soon could best even her first mate in a fight. But with all of her training this feline still proved quite the opponent.

Kursed let Caroso go on the offensive, restricting herself to only defensive movements. She constantly analyzed his fighting style, searching for chinks in his armor or peculiarities in his rhythm. Rather than risk blindly swinging her sword at him and opening herself up to a counter, she let Caroso direct their fight, giving ground and backing up across the ship, but never into a corner.

Eventually Kursed found herself pinned between Caroso and the shroud that held up the mast. Expertly she flipped herself around to the other side of the rigging and parried one of Caroso's attacks. The move seemed to awe him.

"Ah, _la señorita_ is quite daring!" he said while flashing his teeth. Then faster than she did, he swung himself to the other side and began climbing up after her. Kursed marveled at how fast the feline scaled the ropes; he was dangerously athletic. Several times she had to turn around and defend herself whenever he caught up to her, then use his loss of balance to scurry further up the shroud.

When Kursed reached the top of the rigging she clambered onto the yard. It was like trying to balance on a fallen log, only instead of a creek it was roughly three stories of open air and a wooden deck beneath them—perfect for shattering one's ribcage on. The vixen tried not to look down, instead turning to face her opponent. She steadied herself with one hand on the mast. Caroso pulled himself up onto the yard after her, but his balance proved much better than hers.

He waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "Are you ready to dance, _mi rosa azul_?"

An ensemble of castanets, strings, and trumpets suddenly struck up a passage of spicy flamenco music. Kursed paused, her face wrinkling when she heard it.

"Where is that even koming from?"

Caroso shrugged. "Where do any of us come from? Why not find out?" He winked. "Just let the music penetrate and guide you. It is the perfect backdrop for our _bloody tango of death_."

Kursed had enough of his posturing, so she took her first swing at him. She slashed her cutlass in an overcut, striking down towards Caroso's right shoulder—but the cat swiftly leaned to the right. Once she pulled her sword back he corrected in the opposite direction and maintained his balance.

"Ha _ha_! You will have to try better than that," he taunted.

Kursed gnashed her teeth together and took another swing—this time a cross cut aimed at Caroso's chest. The feline instantly snapped his upper torso backwards, evading the singing blade as if it were a limbo pole. Kursed's following remise struck down at him again, but Caroso abruptly dropped off the yard, avoiding it entirely. Even though they were enemies, Kursed's stomach dropped out from under her when Caroso slipped off, but like a trapeze artist he grabbed onto the yard and swung himself all the way back around, landing in a crouch.

Kursed took a step back, stunned. "H-how didst thou bloody do that?"

Caroso merely grinned. "Now, it is my turn to lead." Holding his free hand out behind him, the jungle cat pranced forward, unleashing a vicious volley of attacks. Kursed did her best to deflect each one, but her cutlass was both heavier and larger than Caroso's thin rapier. Each successive parry became more desperate and sluggish as she struggled to keep up until her opponent noticed an opening. Like Ben Carson operating on a brain (but not the 2016 primary), he surgically struck inside one of Kursed's clumsy defenses. Nimbly he sliced through her shoulder fabric, but only cut deep enough so that the sleeve came off.

Kursed backed away, stunned. "Thou kouldst have wounded mine arm, but you stopped. Why?"

"My dear lady, where is the sport in that? We have many admirers watching—we can't disappoint in just the opening act."

"I'm pretty sure the second half of part 3 isn't the—"

But Caroso lunged again, this time skewering her silver tiara on his rapier. He flicked his sword, and the crown went tumbling over the edge. Kursed's eyes followed it down, once again reminded of how high up they were. She steadied herself on the mast again.

Caroso kept up the assault, giving her no time to rest. "Love and death—they are both the same! For both we dance." His swipes came at her so fast they seemed like a mere blur to Kursed. She stopped and stood in place, trying to follow them with her eyes as he disarmed more and more of her apparel; expertly Caroso sliced off her sheath and belt, then each one of her buttons until her cloak came free and drifted to the deck below like a dying spirit. At this height the cool air chilled her fur, and she shivered.

Upon seeing her bizarre shellfish outfit, the feline's confident expression suddenly faltered. He struggled to balance himself on the pole now.

"Wh-what in _Santa Maria's_ name is _that? W_ hen I removed your cloak I assumed you'd be wearing… I don't know, _something_ underneath. I didn't think you'd essentially be… _Dios_ _mío_ _!"_

"I… I will not suffer this humiliation!" Kursed exclaimed. She lunged at Caroso, but he grabbed her arm and jerked her forward, spinning around her until they were positioned on opposite sides of the yard arm than before. "Argh! Stop dancing around like a kourt jester and fight me!" She swung again but Caroso mockingly pirouetted away.

"Admit it; you are no match for the great _Diego Ramirez García José Caroso de Fortuna!"_

"Never!" Kursed guarded another one of his blows and began inching backwards across the yardarm. She gave more and more ground to Caroso until he had her backed against the end, past which there was only open air. Finally Caroso worked the tip of his blade beneath the hilt of her cutlass and spun it from her hands. It sailed end-over-end down to the deck below where it landed with a clatter. Kursed sat down, leaning backwards as Caroso set the tip of the blade at her throat.

"Too bad; it seems an encore is out of the question. Still, I sensed something about you. It was clear the maiden was distracted by my irresistible charms—she could not fight at her true potential while her heart fluttered at the sight of me. Our duel was never fair! Though I have defeated you in swordplay, my lady, dare I say… you have won me in love?"

Kursed blushed and looked away, stealing sidelong glances at the roguish feline. She knew clearly she was in a compromised position, but would fight like a cornered beast if she had to. She looked down at her men for the first time and realized she wasn't the only one in trouble. The loyal crew of her current prisoner had somehow made it past the watch and onto her ship. From the looks of things they were in a standoff with the rest of her men, but—there lay Masterquarter! Slain, or at least incapacitated. A shame; she had only given him his name yesterday. And from her quarters emerged Fox, her handsome prisoner. If she didn't do something fast her prize would get away! Now this was a predicament. Give herself up to the charming swordsman who bested her, or the dopey but sweat fox?

For a few moments she glanced between Caroso and Fox, but then she made up her mind.

"Help!" she cried, "I'm about to fall!"

Caroso took the cue and bent over, offering her his hand. "A wise decision, my fickle princess—"

But to his shock the captain slipped off the yardarm and fell towards the deck below.

* * *

"Look out Fox! SIDESTEP!" Slippy warned.

"Huh? Wha?"

Instead of taking Slippy's advice, Fox held out his arms just in time to catch a vixen who literally fell from the sky. She landed in his arms like a meteor, crushing him beneath her immense force. Fox had the wind knocked out of him and crumpled to the deck under her weight. As stars circled around his twitching ears, he looked around, dazed, but held onto the girl quite firmly.

Kursed rested the back of her paw against her brow melodramatically. "Oh no! This pernicious young knave hath captured me! Whatever shall I do?!"

" _Get off,"_ Fox wheezed.

"Kaptain Kursed!" one of the Cerinians exclaimed. Having witnessed her fall and plea for help, the rest of the crew came running. Falco, Katt, and the others formed a defensive circle around Fox, ready to defend their leader to the death.

"Wait! Cease! He has a dagger and will kill me if ye take one more step!"

"I… I have a dagger?" Fox asked. Kursed discreetly slipped him a knife and he fumbled with it. "Ah, I have a dagger! …What do I do with it again?"

" _You'll slit my throat if they don't stop!"_ Kursed whispered.

"Oh, I'll slit my throat if they don't stop!" he parroted, still suffering a minor concussion from being dashed to the deck, the poor thing.

The crew slid to a stop when they found Kursed in the arms of her enemy and noticed the knife in his hand. "Unhand her, scum!"

"Hold it right there!" Katt shouted, sensing an opportunity to escape. "You come any closer and we let your precious captain have it! Let us safely leave the _Cerinity_ and no harm will come to her."

The Cerinians looked to one another in confusion, but with quartermaster Masterquarter out cold, it wasn't clear who their next-in-command was. Eventually they conceded and backed away, giving the junior members of Star Fox some space. Kursed finally got off of Fox, but she had to help him to his feet with how dazed he was. The vulpine had a half-crazed look on his face where one pupil was bigger than the other and an eye kept twitching. She gave him the support he needed to walk to the edge of the deck, and one by one they climbed overboard, taking the anchor chain back down to their boat.

Miyu, Slippy, and Fay descended first, then they sent Kursed down who went without a struggle. Falco stayed behind to keep an eye on the swathe of Cerinians while Fox attempted to climb down next.

"Careful there, Fox. It's a long way down, and you don't look all there." As Falco pointed his board and nail at the Cerinians threateningly, he added, "Fox?"

He was answered with a resounding _thud_ as Fox's body most likely fell the entire way and impacted on the motorboat. Falco cringed, only able to imagine what such a plunge felt like. Shoving his weapon into the strap of his swimsuit, Falco grabbed hold of the chain and climbed down after Fox. Once everyone was in the motorboat, Slippy let on the gas and pulled away from the _Cerinity._

Above them the Cerinians rushed to the side, peering over the railing as they sailed off. Panic began to seize them as their fearless leader disappeared before their eyes. Now they were left to command the ship on their own…

"Heeeeeelp!" a voice wailed above them. _"¡Ayúdeme!"_

The crew looked up towards the source of the voice, glad to take their minds off their looming existential crisis. There on the topmast nearly thirty feet above their heads was Caroso, arms and legs wrapped tightly about the pole.

"Hey, you come down from there!" one of the Cerinians demanded.

 _"_ _¿Estas loco?_ It's too high!"

"Get down here this instant!"

"But I _can't_ get down!"

"You should've thought of that before you climbed up there!" The Cerinian shouting at Caroso pointing emphatically to the deck beneath his feet. "Come. Down!"

"NO!"

Another one of the Cerinians pulled out his cellphone. "I'm calling the fire department."

A group began shaking the mast back and forth, swaying it from port to starboard and back again.

"Wha-what are you doing? I'm going to fall if you keep doing that!" Caroso clutched the mast tighter, squeezing his eyes shut. _"Quiero a mi madreeee…"_

It was only when the whole ship began to sway from the Cerinian's combined motions that the prancing swordsman came loose. He found himself flung off the yard arm to go sailing through the air… then fell straight _down_.

"AIYEEEEE!" Caroso screeched before spectacularly belly-flopping onto the surface of the water. The resulting impact sent up a powerful geyser reminiscent of a hydrogen bomb and released a series of waves that rocked the ship. The Cerinians erupted in cheers, high-fiving and congratulating one another. Then when their applause died down they stared at one another blankly.

"…Now what?"

* * *

While the _Cerinity_ faded from view, the team enjoyed a little celebration of their own.

Miyu slapped their fearless leader on the back. "Way to go Fox, you did it! I'm so proud of you for surviving that torture—and capturing Kaptain Kursed! Today couldn't have gone any better for us."

"Hey hey hey, don't forget us!" Falco butted in. "Fox couldn't have gotten himself out of a Katinese finger trap without our help. He should be thankful we saved him!"

Katt raised her fist. "Yeah, way to go team! I honestly thought it was a suicide mission from the start, but thanks to you all, Operation Rescue Fox was a resounding success!"

Seated next to Fox in her skimpy shellfish attire, Kursed crossed her arms and stuck her nose in the air, _harrumph-_ ing.

Fox blinked and looked over at her.

"I-I'm sorry, have we met?"

* * *

 _Hours later, on the shore of a nearby island…_

A bright green reptile scanned the beach with a pair of binoculars, frustrated by the limitations they presented. Obviously the instrument wasn't designed for his species in mind, and he rued the fact that he couldn't point the lenses independently of each other to better suit his chameleon eyes. Regardless, he spotted a dark form washing up on shore.

"Wolf, Wolf!" he cried, "I see something coming from the ocean!"

A rather gnarled lupine rushed to his side. "Where?! Could it be one of _them?_ "

Leon hooked the binoculars around his tactical belt. "I don't know, but there's only one way to find out. Follow me."

Together, lizard and wolf rushed down the beach, their combat boots sinking substantially into the soft sand with each step. When they neared the figure they slowed, making sure to stop outside the reach of the breaking surf. Wolf momentarily lifted his sunglasses to get a better look.

"It's, it's—" Leon began.

"A low-effort Zorro rip-off," Wolf finished for him.

Dragging himself from the gentle waves was none other than Caroso, miserable and soaked to the bone. He gasped desperately for air, shivering when he crawled up onto land. _"Why is agua so, so wet?"_

"Halt!" Wolf barked. "Who are you?"

Caroso looked up. "Ah, I have a new pair of foes. Unfortunately for you, you have looked upon… MY ROSE!" He sprang to his feet and whipped the flower from his pocket—at least, what was left of it. His expression fell when he realized it was little more than a thorny stalk, a droopy leaf, and two water-logged petals. "AAH! My rose! What has become of you!" He drew his sword and pointed it at Wolf. "You will pay for seeing my beautiful flower in such a state of disarray!"

Wolf looked at him curiously. "Whoa, you have a fuckin' sword? Where in today's day and age did you find—"

But at that moment Caroso charged him. Faster than Wolf could react, the feline drew back his rapier and thrust at him, the tip cleanly piercing Wolf's sunglasses and into his left eye.

"AAAAH!" Leon cried in horror.

Seemingly with impossible coolness, Wolf removed the shattered pair of sunglasses to reveal that Caroso had merely stabbed through his eyepatch. He folded the shades and clipped them to his pocket.

"What?! But-but-but—"

Growling, Wolf grabbed Panther's blade and jerked it out of his eyepatch, then cast it to the side. He instantly followed with a heavy blow to the feline's jaw, sending him sprawling back onto the sand. "What are you trying to do, hurt someone? You could poke an eye out with that thing!"

Caroso cradled his head in his hands. "Oh what's the use. Today has been the worst of all my days. I've been humiliated in front of an entire crew. Doused in water! My precious rose… de-petaled! And most painful of all, a gorgeous vixen turned me down for a fox kit who doesn't have the decency to even dress…"

"Aw, hey man, buck up!" Wolf comforted him. "Today can't possibly be your worst day. There still are plenty more ahead of you that could be worse! Wait—did you say 'fox kit'?"

Caroso sniffed. "Yes. Why?"

Wolf looked at Leon. "Hey this may be a lead!" He turned back to Caroso. "Ahem. Uh, what's your name, cosplayer?"

 _"García Diego José Ramirez Caroso de Fortuna,"_ he answered.

Wolf offered him a paw up, and the feline took it. "Welcome to the Star Fox universe, where creativity comes to die. Your new name is Panther."

The lupine helped Panther to his feet, and he dusted the sand from his damp cape. Leon eyed the cat while scratching his chin. "Say, this fellow looks quite the lady-killer."

Panther brightened when he heard the complement. He winked at Leon. "Yes, and not only ladies…"

Wolf and Leon exchanged awkward looks.

After a few seconds Panther coughed while scuffing his boot in the sand. "As in, I kill men, too."

"Oh, okay!"

"Phew!"

Wolf shook his hand again. "Glad to know you. I'm Wolf O'Donnell, and this is my partner, Leon. You uh… mentioned something about a young fox. Could you describe him?"

The jungle cat nodded. "Yes, though I only saw him from a yardarm. He had auburn fur, rather strong for his height, spoke like he was auditioning to dub an anime."

Wolf snapped his fingers. "It's him! And-and you say he was in a relationship with a vixen, no?"

 _"Exactamente._ Newly formed, that is. He stole her away from my heart…"

"Look, I'll just come right out and say it. We're part of a mercenary team, and we're looking to hire more members. You seem pretty skilled with… a sword, of all things. And on top of that you're handy with the ladies. It sounds like we both share a grudge against Fox, so why not team up?"

Panther stared into Wolf's eye. "Because you were so nice to me, I must accept your offer! Wolf, though your name is short, dinky, and carries no rich family history, I pledge my allegiance to you and your cause! I will serve you and avenge my rose in the process… and maybe win that lovely vixen back."

"It's official then!" Wolf slapped Panther heartily on the back.

"Welcome to Star Wolf!"

* * *

.💙.


	8. Grocery Run P1

_Episode 4: Grocery Run (Part 1)_

* * *

.🍗.

* * *

It had been two days _(yeah-yeah, it's actually been four months, eat your hearts out_ ) since Star Fox saved their commander in a daring rescue mission. Kaptain Kursed was now their prisoner, yet there had been no sign of her Cerinian crew rallying to take her back—though in all fairness, it was doubtful whether or not they even knew how to breathe without her yelling instructions.

Now the team members met over breakfast in their treehouse base. Fox, Katt, Slippy, and Falco sat around the table finishing the last bits of their meal while Fay and Miyu lounged on the couch.

Katt slammed her fist down on the table because she liked slamming her fist down on things—particularly people, but tables worked too. All the silverware clattered, and everyone looked up at her. "Alright Fox," she began. "I have some questions."

Fox used a napkin to wipe bacon grease from his mouth. "Go ahead, shoot."

Katt began counting off on her fingers. "One: we've been marooned on this island for several weeks now—"

"Peninsula," Slippy corrected.

The feline's eyelid twitched. "Yes, a peninsula… that is _part of a bigger island._ What I said is still technically true."

The frog loudly sipped the last of his coffee. "I know. Just making it clear to everyone else who's listening that what we _thought_ was a deserted island was really just a peninsula extending off of _Frappé_ Island that has a whole town and everything, but when we first crashed here you went out to explore the coastline and got mysteriously waylaid at Dildo Rock, never closing the circuit by meeting back up with Miyu and Fay to confirm it _was_ indeed a deserted island, so we spent the entire time thinking we were marooned all because you were distracted by a rock shaped like a big, veiny—" But Slippy's next words caught in his throat when he noticed Katt's glare of daggers. Whistling, he gathered his dishes and deposited them in the sink before heading back to his and Fox's room.

" _As I was saying,"_ Katt continued, "we've been stuck in this treehouse for several weeks now. Spring Break is long past." She looked at Fox. "Why hasn't anyone come looking for us yet?"

"Don't worry," Fox assured her, "I have an answer for everything. First, there isn't anyone who will come looking for us."

Falco banged his head against the table. "'Don't worry' he says…"

"I meant 'don't worry' as in all of your questions will be answered—not as in you'll like said answers. Now my dad and the rest of O.G. Star Fox are busy flying a reconnaissance mission over Venom. Who knows how long that will take. The rest of your parents will just assume we went straight back to school."

"Then what about the Academy?" Miyu chimed in worriedly. "Won't they wonder where we are?"

"No," Fox answered, "but we'll fail all of our classes and be kicked out if they don't hear from us soon. And right now, what we learned in Flight Academy won't even get us out of the jam we're in now. Have you seen a spacecraft _anywhere?_ On Aquas, sailboats are where it's at."

"Then where did all the transports and aircraft disappear to?" Katt asked.

"Frappé Island is a bit behind the times in that regard. The only shuttles they get come from off-world or other local islands, carrying tourists; everything else is aquatic. All of this is to say, unless we finish construction on the _Sea Fox_ , we aren't getting off this island."

"Gee," Falco said flatly, "it's almost as if the poorly-thought-out plot is a mere contrivance to strand us on a tiny island in service of loosely-connected comedic adventures."

Katt threw up her hands. "Then isn't _anyone_ in Lylat wondering why no one is coming back from Aquas?"

"My guess is they are, but some sort of force field is keeping them from visiting the planet—the same one that's keeping anyone from leaving. In short, our only hope of escape is to find the legendary treasure Kaptain Kursed keeps rambling on about."

Falco looked around the dining room. "Say, where is Captain Salty anyway? You didn't let her escape, did you?"

Fox tugged at his shirt collar nervously. "Don't worry, I have her well taken care of."

* * *

In Fox and Slippy's room, Slip continued whistling to himself as he finished up the laundry. After he put their clothes on coat hangers, the amphibian skipped over to the closet and opened it. From the rack inside the small compartment hung an array of tropical-themed shirts, shorts, swimsuits, and one blue-furred vixen. She sat on the closet floor, arms raised above her head and tied to the hanger rod. When the light fell on her she blinked and squinted her eyes as if unaccustomed to the brightness. She cowered back from Slippy and glared up at him.

"Arrrgh, so the fox kaptain finally sent his gelatinous green executioner to finish the job, did he? Or perhaps he meant for you to have your way with me, helpless as I am in this kondition! Well do your duty and be quick about it; I am ready for—"

But before she could finish, Slippy hung the clothes up on the bar and shut the closet door in her face, whistling all the while.

* * *

"Now, if there are no more questions—" Fox continued, looking in Katt's direction, "we need to get on with today's business."

Falco took a swig from his Blue Steer can of the day. "Which is…?"

"We need to run some… _perhaps_ boring errands."

"What kind of errands?"

"Oh, you know, the kind of errands that every Joe Shmoe runs from day-to-day life where nothing in the world could possibly be interesting or go catastrophically wrong out of nowhere unless they were in a comedy fic. Those kinds of errands. Specifically: we need to get groceries so Star Fox doesn't become Starve Fox."

Katt rolled her eyes. "Great. The exact one-year anniversary of this story and the only things of note we've accomplished is building a treehouse and acquiring a glorified sex slave."

Fox clenched his fists. "Hey, I'm working on it! Before we set out to find the Gatekeeper we just need provisions for a voyage."

But Falco gestured to his white-and-red-striped bucket full of fried chicken. "Hey, no worries here. If I need food, I'll just order delivery from town."

Fox eyed the bucket of chicken suspiciously. "Falco, for the past few days I think I've seen you eat nothing _but_ that brand of fried chicken."

"That's not true! Sometimes I also eat the sides. But what can I say? KFC is my favorite!"

Without warning a pair of helicopter blades roared down upon them from on high, whipping the leafy treetop into a frenzy. Troops clad in black armor and riot gear swung through the windows on zip lines, and the trapdoor flew open to admit even more intruders from below. They surrounded Falco and his bucket of chicken, aiming automatic rifles from behind riot shields.

"Hands where I can see them!" the lead officer barked. _"NOW!"_

Falco dropped the bucket and raised his wings while the rest of the team cowered in fear. "Wh-what did I do?! What's happening?!"

"Buddy, you earned yourself a visit from the Pun Police," the officer stated. "We make sure every brand that shows up in Star Fox fanfiction isn't an already-existing Earth brand to maintain logical consistency and suspension of disbelief. Since you failed to alter the KFC brand name in any shape or form, I'm afraid you've committed a serious criminal offense."

"Whoa-whoa, guys, guys!" Falco spoke in a placating tone, "there's been some misunderstanding! KFC stands for _Katina_ Fried Chicken!"

The officer looked out from behind his scope. "…It does?"

"I should know; Katina Fried Chicken is my all-time _favorite_ fast food chain! In fact I've been eating it since episode 1. If you don't remember, you weren't paying close-enough attention!"

The Pun Police officer lowered his rifle. "False alarm boys, the pun checks out. Sorry about that folks, but in our line of work we have to answer every call we get. In the future, consider spelling out your acronyms immediately after you introduce them. That way there will be less confusion. Anyway, I apologize for the inconvenience. Allow us to leave a small token of our gratitude for your cooperation."

By his order one of the other men pinned a calendar to the wall and flipped it to August, revealing several pictures of metrosexual Pun Police officers in various revealing outfits and seductive poses.

"Wait—!" The officer suddenly held up a hand and placed two fingers to his earpiece. "I've just received word that another author is using 'CIA' again. Come on boys! Let's hope that just stands for _Cornerian_ Intelligence Agency."

On his lead the rest of the officers dove back out the windows and disappeared through the trapdoor. In a flash they vacated the treehouse as quickly as they had appeared. Cautiously, team Star Fox rose from their hunkered positions.

"Even if he meant the _real_ KFC," Miyu pointed out, "isn't Falco canonically-allowed to reference real-Earth figures?"

"Nah," Katt dismissed, "they fixed the Einstein quote in the remake."

Fox crossed his arms. "Well Falco, I told you your run-away consumption of fried chicken would come back to bite us one day."

"Hey, at least no one got shot. We all have our weaknesses. And _mine_ …" He reached into the bucket and pulled out a drumstick. "…Is fried chicken! MMPH!" But as soon as he took a bite, he nearly spat it back out. For there, in the center of all the breading, was a glimmer of gold.

The rest of the team seated around him craned their necks to see.

"What is it?" Fay asked, eyes sparkling.

Falco nibbled away the rest of the delicious breading to uncover not a drumstick, but a shiny golden ticket.

Miyu placed her hands on her hips. "Well I know one factory that should've failed their health inspection."

Dollar signs appeared in Fox's eyes. "Falco, is that _gold leaf?_ 'Cause we're kinda short on money, and I bet if we melted that down—"

But Falco protectively held the ticket away from Fox as if it were his own baby. "Are you nuts?! This is one of just five golden tickets hidden in buckets of Katina Fried Chicken around the world! The winners are all invited to a tour of the KFC factory which _just so happens_ to be located in Frappé village. And that's in addition to a lifetime supply of KFC!"

The dollar signs bulged even more from Fox's pupils. "That's even better! We can sell the ticket for thousands of credits!"

"Never! Chances like this come once in a thousand years! You expect me to give up a lifetime's supply of fried chicken?"

"Fried chicken can't get us off this island, Falco."

"A _lifetime's_ supply!"

Fox made a slashing motion across his throat. "You know Falco, _your_ lifetime supply isn't gonna be that much if you don't hand over that ticket."

Katt stepped between the two. " _Really?_ Did you just threaten to _murder_ Falco over a golden KFC ticket? You need to re-evaluate your priorities, Fox."

The vulpine continued to glare at Falco, but eventually he slumped back down in his seat and glowered at no one in particular. "Fine. You can keep your dumb ticket. But I hope you choke on a chicken bone."

Before Falco could shank Fox with a sharpened drumette fragment, Slippy walked back into the room. He gestured over his shoulder. "Hey uh, Fox, your 'prisoner' is acting up again. She kept banging on the door until I listened to her."

Fox rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Oh what is it this time?"

"She said something like… her clothes need water or they'll _die_?"

The vulpine rolled his eyes in response. "Worst. Outfit. Ever."

Falco snorted. "Ha, you mean _best_ outfit ever, am I right? Booyah!" And, momentarily forgetting their recent squabble, he shared a fist-bump with Fox.

Katt narrowed her eyes. "Wait a minute, _where_ exactly are you keeping the Kaptain?"

Fox coughed and glanced around the room nervously. "Well, uh, in-in-in my closet…"

"Your closet?!"

"Well we didn't build the treehouse with keeping prisoners in mind! That's the best place I could think of. You have a problem with keeping her locked up?"

"Of _course_ we should keep her locked up. She's an evil, conceited, violent, manipulative woman who mistreated you and tricked me into blowing a hole through half our treehouse. My problem is that it's _your_ closet!" Katt set her dishes aside and got up, marching into Fox and Slippy's room. As soon as she left everyone else hurried to follow suit, while Fox glared at Slippy for inadvertently spilling the beans.

Once inside Katt flung the closet door open, revealing Kursed hanging among all the bright Aquan shirts. The group looked in horror at her outfit; the same one she had worn the day Fox kidnapped her. The clamshell halves smelled of rotting fish, and the five limbs of the starfish all drooped and struggled to adhere to the vixen's lap.

"Ah, I see ye have kome to answer my plea," she said.

Katt gazed down at her "clothes" in horror. "How did those poor sea creatures even last this long?"

"Simple! I sweat excessively to feed them on the briny water of mine own body."

The feline pinched her nose to keep from smelling the truth of her words. "Ew! Release her at once!"

Slippy glanced at Fox, who reluctantly nodded. The frog untied the knots binding Kursed to the coat hanger rod, but left the ones keeping her wrists together. The vixen breathed a sigh of relief and struggled to her feet with Slippy's help.

"How can we save your… er… little friends?" Katt asked.

"Just show me to the sea," Kursed answered. "Or, better yet, is there a tank of water nearby?"

Slippy lead her and the rest of the team back out into the living room, where they had set up an aquarium with multicolored fish they'd caught in the lagoon. Without asking, Kursed climbed into the tank and sat down as if it were a bathtub, her hands still tied and her feet sticking out. Much of the water spilled over the edge due to her added volume, but in the end it was still enough to cover the clamshells on her chest.

Katt turned to Fox. "She can't keep wearing those things around the treehouse. It's just not sanitary. If you want, we could lend her some of our own clothes—"

From the fish tank Kursed scoffed. "Please, I do not soil my body with filthy _peasant_ rags."

Fox waved his hand. "Don't worry, I can buy some appropriate clothes for her in town. I'll take her along when we go for groceries and won't let her out of my sight. In fact we can all go together; the rest of you can shop for food, Falco can go on his dumb tour, and me and Kursed will buy clothes."

"I kan't kome just yet," the vixen protested. "I need to rejuvenate my attire. It may take… oh… an hour or so."

Katt growled at her, pointing her finger dangerously close to Kursed's face. "Look deary, I don't know if you got the memo, but you're _our_ prisoner now. A phrase like that might not compute with hoighty-toighty royalty such as yourself, but trust me, you're going to feel the same displeasure as all of your former captives did. I'm not about to forgive you for turning us against each other and making a fool out of me, and I won't forgive you for kidnapping and assaulting Fox—even if he _did_ end up enjoying it."

Kursed cowered back into the aquarium, causing more water to flow out. Her ears flattened and she looked to Fox for help, but he met her with just as stern a stare as Katt's. Sighing, she looked down at the fish swimming around her. "Ye have my humblest apologies. I will try to know my place… and I pray ye treat me mercifully and do not choose to prolong my torture, but giveth me a swift end."

"Hey, we're not sadistic monsters like you!" Miyu rushed to assure her. "But it would be wrong to just let you off the hook that easily."

Fay rubbed her hands together, a gleam in her eye. "Ooooh! What fiendish punishment can we cook up for you! You need some sort of payback for mistreating and nearly executing Fox."

Katt pursed her lips, looking at the tod. "You're both right. As punishment for your crimes, you will do the majority of the chores around the treehouse, but pay special attention to Fox's needs. You have to make up for what you did to him."

Fox clapped his hands. "Aw sick, my own slave girl!"

But Katt grabbed him by his shirt collar. "But if I hear you trying anything funny with her, you'll have to deal with me! She's still one of my own kind, you know."

Kursed gulped. "Whatever your kaptain does to me, in sooth, I deserve it."

Katt looked back at Fox, who shrugged. "Hey, you heard her."

Slippy nervously fidgeted with his fingers. "Hey, uh, Fox, I'm sorry to be the bringer of bad news, but once we buy all of these groceries we'll have spent all the credits we had on us. Whatever's isolating Aquas from the rest of the System has screwed online banking as well."

Fox scratched his chin. "That _is_ a bit of a pickle…"

"I think we can be of some help," Miyu spoke up while throwing an arm around Fay. "We've been squeezing a lot of juice for our meals, and I think we've stumbled across some good recipes. If we sell our juice in town, I'm sure we could earn back our money."

"Well it's about time someone did," Fox said, relieved. "Alright, gather your juicing supplies. We leave in an hour."

* * *

Once Kursed's shellfish recovered, Miyu and Fay gathered their juice materials, and Katt and Slippy drafted a lengthy shopping list, the team members met outside to leave. To their surprise, Falco drove up in a dark-blue-colored truck. Everyone admired the vehicle in awe.

"Falco," Fay exclaimed, "where did you get this truck?"

The avian poked his head out the window. "Heh, the same way I got a million-to-one golden ticket."

"You found a truck in a bucket of chicken?"

"No! Because the plot demanded it! Now stop asking questions and load up. The Falco-mobile waits for no one."

Miyu and Fay loaded their supplies into the truck bed and climbed in after them. Katt sat up front with Falco while the remaining three members sat in back. Kursed was still sopping wet from the hour she spent rejuvenating in the fish tank; she kept dripping water on Slippy, who was unfortunately wedged between her and Fox. When everyone was set they drove off towards town.

Frappé Village was the largest settlement on the island. Most of the buildings seemed a hundred years old, while all the newer touristy establishments were broken down and had aged much less gracefully. The houses were all painted rainbow colors like an Italian riviera; they gleamed in the morning sun reflecting off the blue ocean the town bordered.

Along the way they passed a variety of seafood and local restaurants, and about 500 "Feathers" stores that advertised swimwear and beach toys (name changed to avoid a visit from the _you-know-who_ ). Eventually they passed a store named "Party Town" where Fox asked Falco to let him and Kursed off.

"Why are you stopping here?" Katt asked. "You can't buy clothes from a party store."

"Actually you can!" Fox informed her. "I plan to scrounge around one of the bargain bins for off-season Halloween costumes. Specifically that Princess Leia slave outfit—you know the one."

"Who's Princess Leia?" Slippy asked innocently.

"Uh, yeah, I've never heard of her in my life!" Falco said while laughing nervously.

Fox's skin went white beneath his fur and his eyes quickly darted around the street corner. "Oh, uh, did I say 'Princess Leia?' I meant Princess uh, Princess… uh… uh… uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Princess Llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllama! Yeah! Princess Llama from _Star W—_ uh, I mean from _Star… Warrrrrrrrrrrthogs! Star Warthogs!_ When she's captured by… Jerboa the…"

"Alright Fox, we'll be seeing you!" Katt swiftly cut him off. She climbed out of the truck and opened the rear half of the door, dragging both Fox and Kursed out and trampling Slippy in the process. Then she jumped back in, Falco revved the engine, and they zoomed away in a hurry.

The kaptain glared at Fox, clutching the starfish to her lap. "You kould have just said 'slavekini'."

* * *

Star Fox had only been in town on a few occasions to run similar errands, but knew their way around well enough. A few blocks away Falco parked beside "Mom's Organic Market" to let everyone off. It took a few minutes to unload all of Miyu and Fay's wares, but as soon as they were finished the avian climbed back into his truck and sped off, eager to arrive at the Katina Fried Chicken factory before any of the other winners. Katt and Slippy helped the girls move the supplies beside the entrance to the grocery, but left them to do the rest of the work. By the time they were finished, Fox and Kursed met back up with them outside the store.

"Hey Fox, you're back!" Slippy welcomed him.

Katt set down a crate of pitchers and turned to see Fox and Kursed. Her face blanched when she saw Kursed's new outfit. "Whoa! I… didn't expect you to make good on that threat."

True to his word, Fox had acquired and forced the pirate queen into a cheap slave bikini that looked like it couldn't have cost more than five credits—both for lack of quality and the amount of material in general. She wore a backless brazier made from bronze-painted plastic, a long, scarlet loincloth, anklets and armbands that curled like gold snakes around her limbs, and a gold collar attached to a chain that Fox held in his hand. Altogether Kursed looked royally humiliated.

"I thought you said you'd buy her something 'appropriate'."

"I did! What's a more appropriate outfit for a slave?"

Miyu scratched her chin. "You know, you have to admit it's more modest than the sea creatures. How did you afford it, anyway? Not that it looks that expensive in the first place."

"Actually I got it for nothing!" Fox stated proudly. "I passed off her sea critters as a mermaid outfit and traded them in. They almost didn't let her into the store because they accused her of wearing another company's Halloween merchandise…"

Katt turned to the vixen. "Are you, uh… comfortable in that?"

"You'd be surprised." Kursed narrowed her eyes. "This is exactly the outfit I would have worn back on Cerinia— _if I was trying to whore myself!"_

"Fox, this is indecent! You can't make her wear this!"

"She tied me to a post in my underwear! It's payback time!"

Katt chewed her lip for a moment, looking Kursed up and down. "Alright, fine, I'll look the other way this time. But this better not become a pattern."

"It won't, it won't!" Fox promised her. Then he jerked on Kursed's chain, causing her to stumble in his direction. "Alright scum, it's time to follow your master! MWA-HA-HA-HAAA!"

Together Fox, Kursed, Katt, and Slippy went into Mom's Organic Market, carrying their shopping list of items. They left Miyu and Fay to run their juice stand outside, which, in all likeliness, broke several county ordinances, including possibly stealing customers right out from under another business's nose. Regardless, they needed to recoup their grocery expenses from that day no matter the risk.

After the others left, Miyu and Fay finished setting up their juice stand on the sidewalk. It was a rudimentary booth with a wooden counter and a cardboard sign over the top, which Fay had meticulously decorated with bright-colored markers while Miyu did most of the actual work. On the counter they displayed their different varieties of juices, each lovingly-made from handpicked fruits around their treehouse: they used Aquan bananas, pineapples, mangoes, coconuts, and wild berries to achieve each succulent flavor. Their drinks proved such a hit when they served them to their friends that they felt confident enough to branch out to the public market.

Once they had their wares ready, Fay sensed a trio of potential customers headed their way. She looked up to greet them with a warm smile but tensed when she recognized them. Her hand clamped down around her business partner's wrist. _"Miyu!"_ she hissed, _"it's_ them!"

" _Them?"_ Miyu repeated, but soon saw exactly who Fay meant. _"Oh no…"_

Swaggering up to their juice stand were the three members of Star Wolf: Leon Powalski, Andrew Oikonny, and Wolf O'Donnell himself. Inexplicably, each one of them was dressed in an over-the-top cowboy suit. They wore leather boots with silver spurs, low riding gun belts, suspenders, bandit masks, and wide-brimmed hats. Wolf's particular outfit was entirely black except for the bits of shining silver and his blinding-white hat.

The three of them sidled directly over to Miyu and Fay's juice stand. Wolf leaned an elbow on the counter, tipping his hat mockingly and lighting a cigarette.

"Well now lil' missies, what a surprise finding a pair o' purdy gurls like you here," Wolf said with an exaggerated cowboy drawl.

"What are you _wearing?!"_ Miyu asked, shocked by their outrageous choice of attire.

"What're we wearin?" Wolf repeated. Each of the team members posed on the spot, with Wolf pulling the brim of his hat down over his face, Leon resting his hands on his guns, and Andrew sticking his thumb up his ass because that's all he's good for. "Can't you tell? We're a couple o' wild west hoodlums come to shoot up the town! …Well not necessarily, ya see we jus' came here on peaceful business. We intended to rustle-up some grub and supplies from the general store."

"But why are you wearing _cowboy_ outfits? Second Halloween was two months ago."

Wolf narrowed his eye. "What do ya mean, pardner? This here's a wild west-themed fic, ain' it?"

"No!" Miyu exclaimed. "The theme is _pirates._ "

" _Pirates?!"_ Wolf shouted in disbelief. "If this isn't set in the wild west, why was Panther all dressed up like Zorro?"

"Zorro _preceded_ the cowboys! He was just some fancy swordsman. Please, just use your brain for _one_ second! Why would someone ever set a cowboy story on a tropical island? Look around you! Where are the rolling prairies? Where are the Indians? _Where are all the cows?!"_

For a moment Star Wolf continued to hold their exaggerated poses, but inside their world was crashing down around them.

" _Pirates?"_ Wolf repeated in a high-pitched, non-accented voice.

"Pirates," Fay returned with finality.

Wolf seemed to think a minute before bursting out, "Arr-harr-haaaarr! I was never much of a cowboy anyway! Pirating and pillaging was always me specialty. Well if it's a pirate rival Fox wants, it's a pirate rival Fox will get!"

"We hadn't intended on meeting you until later," Leon clarified. "We'll make our real entrance _next_ episode."

"THIS ISN'T OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEET!" Andrew said, unleashing a nuclear bomb of nasal congestion right on the blacktop. The resulting gust was so strong it blew Miyu clear off her stool and Fay had to hang onto the counter for dear life.

When Wolf stood back up and brushed himself off he said, "Panther was right about you being here. Fox must be somewhere nearby. Where is he? I want to pay him a friendly visit before we leave."

Miyu climbed back up the juice stand. "You mean you joined forces with that prancing swordsman? Of course you would. Why isn't he here with you?"

Wolf placed his hands on his hips. "What? You think I'd ever be caught dead walking around in public with a man dressed in tights? We made him stay back at camp till we could get him these." He held up a bag from a clothing store containing a pair of rawhide pants. "Though I guess we need to return everything for something more piratey now…"

"So Mmmmmmmmmmmiyuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, what are you selling?" Andrew asked.

This time the blast blew back the cat's fur as if she'd survived a wind tunnel. "Um, juice," she said through gritted teeth.

Andrew turned to Wolf, who was smart enough to preemptively grab onto a handicap post. "Are yooooooooooouuuu thinking what Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm thinking?!"

"You're perfectly right, Andrew!" Wolf hurriedly answered. "I see this as the perfect opportunity to humiliate Star Fox yet again!" He jabbed his finger at the pair of girls. "I challenge _you_ to a juice-off!"

"Oh brother," Miyu said as she rolled her eyes.

"A juice-off?" Fay asked worriedly.

"Whoever makes the most money selling juice wins!"

Fay looked at Miyu with a concerned expression, who in turn crossed her arms and stared confidently at Wolf. "What's in it for us if we win?"

"You will get to keep all the money you make! _We,_ on the other hand, need no other satisfaction than putting Star Fox to shame and stealing money right from under your very noses!"

"Miyu, I don't think we should make this a competi—"

"Deal!" Miyu exclaimed, shaking Wolf's hand.

Andrew snorted, drawing in a powerful gust of wind before releasing his next bombardment. "You'll be sorry you crossed Aaaaaaannnnnnnnnndrew Oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikonny! I squeeze the best juuuuuuuuuuuuuices you've eeeeeeeeeeeeever seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!"

From across the parking lot Miyu pulled herself free of the resulting pile of cars and jogged back over, with Fay not too far behind. "How do you even choose which vowels to elongate?" she gasped.

But Wolf lay a hand on Oikonny's shoulder. "Sorry Andrew, someone needs to buy the groceries, and as this team's leader I choose you."

"But—!"

Before he could protest further, Wolf clapped his other hand over Andrew's mouth. "Now-now, it wouldn't be fair to make this a three-to-one competition; not when this lovely pair so handicapped as it is."

Miyu defensively placed her arm in front of Fay. "Hey! Don't you dare insult her like that! She's just special!"

While Andrew struggled, Wolf pushed him across the pavement and through the doors into Mom's market, where they were finally safe from his nasal gusts. Closing the door behind him, Wolf brushed his hands off and returned. "Now, where were we? Ah yes, whoever sells the most juice wins! And to make things fair, we'll even give you a head start while we set up our own stand and squeeze our own juice! Leon, come!"

For a second the lizard looked at Fay and Miyu, bugging his eyes out and shooting out his tongue. Both girls flinched and grimaced in unison. Then Leon followed Wolf down the street to carry out their preparations.

"Oh Miyu, I'm not sure about this! Taking on those bullies by _ourselves?_ "

"Relax Fay, we've got this. I'm positive we can mix and sell juice faster than _anyone._ " She handed Fay one of the plastic cups. "But just to be safe, let's get as much out of this head start as we can…"

* * *

On the other side of town, Falco left his truck in the parking lot outside the factory. He ran to the front gate in a hurry, checking his watch along the way to make sure he was on time. Just three minutes left until the tour started!

Outside the spiked iron bars stood the four other winners and Frappé Island's local television crew filming them. They turned to watch as he slowed to a stop—even the cameras pointed at him, but Falco was too excited to pay them any mind or worry about his appearance.

When he arrived he bent over, panting. "I didn't miss anything, did I?"

"You're just in time!" one of the other winners, a flamingo, welcomed him. "So, you must be the last lucky person to find a ticket! That means all five of us managed to get here."

Once Falco regained his breath, he straightened back up to look at the factory. In fact he had to lean over backwards to be able to take it all in. While most of the buildings were made from boring gray cement and smokestacks, the exterior walls were decorated with white-and-red-striped awnings that delivered the company's signature flair. The fast-food chain's logo arched over the front gate in large storefront letters, spelling out "Katina Fried Chicken!" with smaller letters that wrote, "It's paw-lickin' good!"

Falco frowned. "That just doesn't have the same ring to it."

The flamingo shrugged. "Eh, we don't even have paws anyway."

"Okay, bigger question; why is Katina Fried Chicken's factory located on _Aquas?_ "

"Luckily enough, there's a pre-existing plot device that makes this parody name possible, or this arc would be f—ked!" Then the flamingo's tone sobered on a dime. He hung his head dejectedly, which, given his long neck, nearly whacked the ground. "It's a sad story, yet one all too common among the citizens of Lylat. A week ago a big portal happened to open up right beneath the original KFC factory, transporting it here. Individual people aren't the only victims the portals of Aquas claim. No one knows what's causing it, but whoever it is sure has a good taste in chicken."

"Damn straight!" Falco agreed. "What a break for us, too. Imagine if they had run this promotional stunt _before_ they were transported here. We'd never stand a chance of winning with the rest of the System involved."

The flamingo extended his wing for Falco to shake. "Well, it's nice to meet another KFC enthusiast! The name's Floyd."

Falco returned the shake. "Falco Lombardi! I work with an upstart mercenary company based not too far from here."

"What was it like finding your ticket?"

The pheasant's eyes glittered. "It was like I was living in a dream! I couldn't believe it was real. In fact I almost ate the ticket on accident—it was battered and everything."

An overweight bear beside Floyd gave a deep laugh which shook the pavement. "Ha! You're lucky. I _did_ end up eating mine! Completely digested it, too." He held up a paper sack in his thick paw. "Wanna see?"

"NO!"

"No please!" the birds hastily answered at the same time.

"So how did you find yours?" Falco asked Floyd.

The flamingo spread a wing over his chest. "I myself am a connoisseur of breading. In fact I exclusively eat the flavorful skin off the chicken and discard the rest, which is mere filler. So, when peeling my fourth chicken wing of the day, I discovered not a scrawny wing beneath the batter, but a golden ticket! I'm lucky I don't eat the full chicken, or I might have swallowed it like you almost did."

"Well I admit that flakey golden shell is amazing, but isn't that like only eating the icing off the cake? There can't be that much nutritional value in breading."

"There isn't! But I literally can't stomach anything else. My life goal is to one day be battered and deepfried myself! At least I make up for it every night by hooking myself up to an IV chord that intravenously feeds me dietary supplements."

Besides the enthusiastic flamingo and dangerously-obese bear, there were two other winners. Falco nodded to the closer of the two; a coypu, or river rat, who sported a greasy black mullet and dark sunglasses that concealed his eyes.

"Hey, I'm Falco, the fifth winner."

"Just call me…" the river rat glanced around suspiciously before whispering to Falco, _"…Al."_

Falco shook his hand, but his feathers came away dripping grease. The coypu's fur was practically soaked in the stuff—almost as much as his mullet.

"Alright… _Al…_ how'd you come upon your ticket?"

Al coughed and shifted on his feet. "Well, I'm uh, pretty wealthy. Yeah. Truth is I bought up all the chicken on Frappé Island and sifted through the buckets until I found a ticket."

"Whoa, you must be loaded with dough! Mind telling me how you got so rich?"

Al once again looked around nervously, pulling the corners of his collar tighter around his face. "Hey, look kid, I'm kinda trying to keep a low profile here. Bedsides, it's none of your beeswax."

Falco stepped back. "Well _excuse_ me Mr. Moneybags! Sorry I asked." He then sidled over to the fifth and last winner, who was a tall, muscular badger likewise dressed in dark shades. But unlike Al's pepper-speckled suit, he wore a large gray overcoat and trilby hat.

"So… what's your story, big guy?" he asked.

The badger barely showed any sign of acknowledging Falco; his shades were focused in Al's direction. All he said was, "Just got lucky, I guess."

Staring strangely at the badger as he walked away, Falco joined Floyd again. "You know, these other two aren't much for talking, and I'd rather pour nail-polish remover down my tear ducts than speak to the bear."

Floyd sighed and nodded. "Yeah, admittedly you have to be pretty wacko to win a fast food sweepstakes."

Their conversation was cut short when another figure ambled up to them in front of the gate. He was none other than…

Falco's eyes bulged, and along with Floyd, Al, and the bear he gasped, "Major Dickie Donga?!"

Sure enough, Major Dickie Donga—founder, CEO, and mascot of Katina Fried Chicken—now stood before them. Or rather, slouched in place. The Major's bright outfit was bellied by his washed-out demeanor. While the elderly gray stoat was dressed in a red-and-white-striped suit and top hat so loud Clinton would have hired him to sound-proof her corporate fundraising speeches from reporters, the man appeared weathered and world-weary. Instead of brandishing his white-tipped cane energetically like he did on the KFC logo, he relied on it heavily to walk. Even the signature white whiskers that made him look like fast food Satan himself drooped.

He stopped in front of the gate, raising his cane shakily. "Welcome to the original Katina Fried Chicken factory, I suppose." When he spoke his voice was hoarse and it sounded like he had to force it through a pair of fireplace bellows. "I am the father of Lylatian fast-food, Major Dickie Donga, though you already know that so what's the point."

Falco _tsked_ quietly and shook his head. "Dickie Donga though, what an unfortunate name."

"Yeah," Floyd agreed, "right up there with Dick Van Dyke."

"Now, you all are here because Fate has chosen you to—ah f🍗ck it, you're here because you're dangerously addicted to my chicken and probably murdered someone to get a ticket. In fact lemme check; raise your hand if you killed someone to be here."

Looking around, Falco noticed Al begin to raise his hand before catching himself and lowering it again. Floyd raised his wing and Falco looked at him in surprise. "Floyd, you told me you found it peeling the skin off your chicken!"

The flamingo looked at him sheepishly. "Sorry Falco, but it wasn't the chicken's skin I peeled to get this ticket."

The badger who "just got lucky" raised a finger. "Does assault and battery count?"

Dickie Donga thought it over for a few seconds before nodding.

"What if we _would have_ killed someone if we knew they had a ticket?" Falco asked, eager to not be left out.

"I feel like I'm lowering my standard significantly, but sure, why not?"

"Sweet!" the bird exclaimed as he raised his wing.

The Major eyed the bear for a second, who was the only winner not to have his hand/wing raised. "Don't worry; you're the only person I _know_ didn't have to kill a person to find a ticket. Not with that obvious appetite."

The bear failed to hold in a burp. "Actually I may or may not have eaten the drive thru attendant along with the rest of the food…"

"HA!" Falco exclaimed while pointing at him, "it doesn't count if it was accidental!"

The gray-furred stoat rubbed his wrinkled forehead. "Alright-alright, let's not make the race to the bottom of consumer depravity a contest. You are here today because you all love my paw-lickin' good chicken and want to see how it's made, though truly the process is revolting and will probably turn you all vegetarian by the end of it, which is why we rarely do these kinds of things. So, as promised, I will lead you on a tour of the _original_ Katina Fried Chicken factory and treat each of you to a lifetime supply of chicken, thus dooming you to obesity and my company to ruin because this bear right here _scares_ me, gadzooks look at him; I didn't even know he was a bear when I first saw him—I just thought it was one of those giant parade balloons. Well he's only got five more years left in those arteries, so maybe we can turn a profit again eventually. Anyway, let the tour begin! …I suppose…"

Major Dickie Donga tried to strike the pose on his company's logo but once again failed miserably. He grimaced while wobbling in place.

The winners lined up outside the iron gate, which Dickie Donga unlocked with an oversized gold key. The gate screeched open, and one-by-one he examined their tickets to make sure they were authentic before inviting them in. First he shook hands with Floyd, then the trench-coat-wearing badger, but when Al stepped up to enter the Major seemed to scrutinize him more.

"Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" he asked, squinting his eyes at the coypu suspiciously.

"Uhhhhh no?" Al swiped his ticket stub back and hurried on through, looking anxious to get away.

The bear swayed up next, offering Dickie Donga the paper sack that held the ticket. "What's this?" the stoat asked. His whiskers twitched in agitation before he made the mistake of looking inside. Hurriedly he shoved the sack away and clapped a paw over his nose, barely holding in a wave of nausea. _"Go,"_ he wheezed. _"For the love of god, just go."_

Falco was last in line. When it was finally his turn, he froze in place, staring at the Major in awe. The golden ticket quivered in his hand, and his beak flapped wordlessly. A glowing halo seemed to form around the mascot, and time stood still like a line at the DMV. He couldn't believe that he was standing here, right now, just a few steps away from _the_ Major Dickie Donga!

Growing impatient, the major rolled his sunken red eyes. "Come on, let's get this over with. What's your name, son?"

"F-F-F-F-Falco, Mr. Major sir!" He stepped forward, showing him his ticket and saluting.

The stoat ripped the stub from his ticket and handed it back to him. "Well Falco, aren't you another starry-eyed admirer of my chicken?"

"Yes sir! I have this inexplicable feeling that all of my life has been leading up to this one climax!"

"Ew. Well when you do, make sure the climax happens far from me. Now, are you ready to see how Katina Fried Chicken is made? A secret only known to KFC employees and closely-guarded from competitors?"

The bird nodded his head so furiously his beak clacked.

"Then welcome, Falco, to Major Dickie Donga's Fried Chicken Factory!"

* * *

 _Continued in Part 2..._


	9. Grocery Run P2

_Episode 4: Grocery Run (Part 2)_

* * *

.≋≋≋≋≋≋≋ ≋≋≋≋≋≋≋.

* * *

From outside, MOM's, or Mom's Organic Market, appeared deceptively small and homely. Inside however it was like walking into one of Andross's pocket dimensions. The interior was as large and well-stocked as any modern supermarket on Papetoon or Corneria, defying the point of the intimate branding.

"This Mom person sure has been doing pretty well for herself," Katt joked, eyes scanning the aisles upon aisles of groceries.

"The 'MOM' acronym isn't even that good," Slippy pointed out. "You can't use the word the acronym spells as the first word of said acronym. That's just cheating."

"I don't even get why you'd name a store after a generic family member _that_ close to you," Fox commented. "Like maybe an uncle or an aunt or a grandma, but _mom_? No thank you, that's just too close for comfort."

"You're right," Katt agreed. "I don't trust any store that tries to appropriate the role of a relative closer than Scarlet. It's too… presumptive, I guess."

"Oh, they're just doing it to appear friendly," Slippy argued. "It gives it that heartfelt touch."

"But what if you're here with _your_ mom? Isn't that kinda awkward? I'm sure whoever the owner of this store is, she's not my mom."

A voice behind a nearby desk called out to them. "Hello my children! Welcome to Mom's market."

Fox turned and saw a beautiful, orange-furred vixen working behind the front desk—a vixen none other than his own mom. Vixy beamed warmly at him, wearing a green apron and plastic hairnet while cradling a bouquet of flowers in her arms.

"M-mom, what are you doing here?" Katt whispered, staring at the purple-furred feline in disbelief. Mrs. Monroe set the bouquet of flowers down among the others and lit a cigarette, taking a quick puff.

"Hey hon, how ya doin'? Enjoyin' your vacation?"

"Mom, I thought you lived on the other side of the planet!" Slippy said to Mrs. Toad, who set to work putting together another bouquet of roses and tulips.

Kursed had to sniff back tears. "M-my Queen! Oh how I've missed thee! I take back everything I said about wanting to get away from you and the kastle, and I'm sorry for getting lost hunting! Willst thou ever forgiveth me?!"

The Cerinian queen looked upon her daughter with compassion. "Krystal my dear girl, there's no need to be so formal. Please, kall me MOM."

Fox stepped closer to Vixy. "But I don't understand; why are you so far away from home, and why are you running a supermarket?"

Mrs. Monroe shook her head and exhaled from her cigarette. "Oh Katt, I know it's odd that we should meet here of all places, but life is funny that way. Best not question it."

"We're kinda short on money," Slippy admitted, bashfully wringing his red baseball cap. "Is there any way you could give me a family discount or an advance on my allowance?"

Kursed's mother laughed pleasantly, as if talking to a silly child. "I kouldn't do that my darling, or I'd have to give discounts to _all_ my children, and then I'd be out of a business!"

"One last question," Kursed pressed. "Why didst thou forever kurseth me by spelling my name with a 'K'?"

"I'd love to stay and chit-chat, Fox, but I just don't have the time. I'm a little busy right now—"

"Then when can I see you again?!" Katt pleaded desperately.

"Don't worry," Slippy's rotund mother assured him, "you can visit me at the front desk any time. Just ask for MOM. Now good luck, and happy shopping! Don't fill up on sweets, and remember to eat your greens!"

Together they bade a tearful goodbye to MOM and moved deeper into the store, now energized with new vigor and determined to collect all the items on their shopping list.

* * *

Falco couldn't believe his eyes. Nor, for that matter, could any of the other guests—all except the glutton, who had sat down(?) and couldn't see over his rising stomach. When everyone gasped in unison he merely looked around in confusion. He waved his stubby paw desperately.

"M-Major Donga! Could you roll me forward please? I can't see!"

The major cringed when he looked at the bear. "No thanks! I choose ending today without a hernia, thank you very much."

Before Falco and the other prizewinners stood an open gate, on the other side of which lay a massive, glass-ceilinged atrium. The room contained a sprawling landscape constructed exclusively from Katina Fried Chicken products. Trees with leaves of flaky batter rose from the ground. Instead of grass, fields of French fries—sorry, "seasoned potato wedges"—gently waved in the artificial breeze. Biscuits sat piled atop one another like buttery boulders. Mountains of mashed potatoes were heaped against the backdrop. But perhaps most spectacular of all was the waterfall and river of gravy that flowed through the Katina Fried valley, which ended up in a moat that surrounded the entire enclosure.

"I've died and gone to heaven," Falco murmured.

"Oh boy," Dickie sighed. He withdrew a tin container and flipped it open, revealing eleven different compartments filled with herbs and spices. One by one he pinched a dash of each and stuffed them into his nose before snapping the tin closed. "This is going to be one long tour…"

But the winners of the Katina Fried Chicken Sweepstakes were in a state of pure bliss. Time itself slowed, making the moment of pleasure last an eternity. Laughing like idiots, they skipped across the bridge to the island, merrily danced in the field of potato wedges, chased each other between the battered trees, and dove into the gravy river for a refreshing, savory swim.

While they frolicked about the valley, the unimpressed stoat trudged after them, taking no pleasure in their child-like amusement. A reporter who managed to break past factory security caught up with the Major, shoving a microphone in his face.

"Major Donga, a statement for the press?" he begged.

Two guards caught up with the reporter and grabbed him by the arms, engaging in a short tussle. But the stoat waved them off and turned to the newsman, leaning heavily on his cane. While the reporter fell into a breathless hush waiting for him, the Major steepled his fingers and stared up through the skylights as if in profound contemplation.

"Fried chicken was a mistake," he intoned.

After his brief statement the guards went back to hauling the reporter away and the stoat crossed over into the valley of the shadow of diabetes.

When Falco grabbed one of many biscuits paving the road like a cobblestone path, Dickie raised his hoarse voice. "Whoa there turbo, don't put that in your mouth; you don't know where it's been."

But Falco had already clamped down and ground the biscuit to a paste. Through a beak-full of crumbs he grunted, _"Hmm?"_

"You're not the only tour I've brought through here, you know."

Falco chewed some more and swallowed. "It's also a bit stale, but that has no effect on the buttery goodness!"

The stoat shrugged. "Knock yourself out then, sonny. I better tell the others before-WHOA!" He flinched when he saw the bear lie flat on his back beneath the valley's gravy-fall. "Hey, don't do that! This valley isn't just for decoration. I distribute this stuff eventually."

But the bear paid him no mind. Instead he opened his cavernous maw wide till it could receive the entire girth of the tumbling gravy. Then he began swallowing. And swallowing. And _swallowing._

The others gathered around the side of the river, watching with morbid curiosity.

"My dear sir, that's not healthy!" Dickie warned him. "Well I guess none of this is technically healthy…"

His half-hearted plea had no effect. The glutton continued to funnel the gravy into his bottomless stomach. The rest of the winners continued to watch in awe as the river slowly dried up from lack of new gravy, yet the ursid still showed no sign of stopping. Instead his body began to inflate to an enormous size—even for the already obese bear. The longer he lay guzzling the fountain, the more his belly grew, till Falco thought for sure it would burst.

The badger was the only one to speak, the direction of his dark sunglasses unwavering from the gruesome sight. "You know, I find this phenomenon oddly stimulating."

Contrary to what the spectators anticipated, the bear wasn't even slowing down. He just continued to grow with no upper limit in sight. But the prospect of an imminent combustion made it so the onlookers couldn't take their eyes off him.

The major clapped his hands together, eager to move on. "Well, we'll leave the man to it. Who wants to tour the battering room!"

"Ooh, ooh! Me! ME!" Falco exclaimed, raising his wing and jumping up and down. And together the remaining four members of the tour group followed the Katina Fried Chicken mascot out of the valley, while workers turned off the falls before the bear drank the entire planet into a gravy shortage.

* * *

Elsewhere the brave shoppers made their way up and down each aisle, leaving no shelf unturned as they checked off their grocery list. Katt pushed the cart while Slippy was short enough to sit in the basket. He read off the food items they'd need while Fox and Katt took them down off the shelves. Kursed merely looked on with interest. It seemed the sea captain had never been in a supermarket before, and the kaleidoscope of bright packaging, smiling mascots, and hyper-fetishized food images had a hypnotizing effect.

Over the supermarket's intercom a pleasant chime sounded, followed by the sweet, saccharine voice of a female sales associate. _"Cleanup on aisle 89 please, cleanup on aisle 89. A customer had a_ teensy _accident with the Choritos bags."_

Katt leaned forward and whispered in Slippy's ear while glancing around worriedly. "Uh-oh Slip, looks like they found your little crime scene. Did you really have to shred all six dozen of those bags?"

"Of course I did! Who'd be safe with _broccoli and cheese-_ flavored Choritos lining store shelves?" Slippy raised his fist. " _Death to faux-healthy junk food trends!_ If I'm going to die from chips I'd rather it be tasty flavor powder and diabetes than from biting off my own tongue and choking on the blood. _"_

"You know Slippy, Mom's got security cameras all over the store. She'll know it was you."

"Yeah? Well she can't kill me without making me a martyr for the cause, so I think I'm safe." The amphibian peered at the next item on their shopping list, squinting at Katt's tiny indiscernible handwriting. "Let's see… next up is salsa! Preferably extra chunky."

Katt scanned the nearby shelves until she acquired her target. The feline's eyes lit up and she bounded over to a promotional display. "Hey, they're having a BOGO!"

"A what?" Fox asked.

"A BOGO!"

"What the hell is a BOGO?"

Katt held up two cans of El Diablo's Taco Sweatshop salsa. "You know! Buy-one-get-one free?"

"Never use that word around me again."

The feline shrugged and plopped the two cans in the cart before moving on.

As they reached the end and turned down the next aisle, the pop music white noise once again cut out to air a brief message. The same pleasant voice stated, _"Trust is power."*_

Fox frowned worriedly as the music resumed. "That sounded… oddly dystopian."

Ignoring him, Slippy called out, "Milk!"

Katt wheeled them down the dairy aisle, which was lined with glass doors and chilled shelves on either side. The cold flow of air felt refreshing after Frappé Island's smothering climate, and the band of shoppers cooled off in front of the icy displays—that is, all except Kaptain Kursed, who nearly froze to death in her minimalist slavekini. She wrapped her arms around her mostly-naked torso and shivered, teeth clacking together.

"P-p-p-p-p-please m-m-m-m-m-make th-th-th-th-th-this f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fast!" she begged Fox.

"Alright, I'm feeling kinda merciful right now," he answered. "—But remember your place! Slip, what kind of milk do we need, and how much?"

The frog shrugged. "I dunno, all Katt wrote down was 'milk'."

"Does it really matter?" Katt asked.

"Of course it matters!" Fox gestured to the shelves laden with white jugs. "Look at all the different kinds!"

"Gosh… I never knew there were so many types of milk. Where do they even get all of them?"

"It's simple, really." Fox pointed to each jug of milk in turn. "Normal milk comes from white cows, chocolate milk comes from brown cows, and strawberry milk comes from pink cows."

"Wow…" Katt murmured in awe.

"What about almond milk?" Slippy asked.

" _Almond cows!"_ Fox said sarcastically before batting Slippy over the head with a coupon. "Almond milk comes from nuts, you moron! Who's ever heard of an almond-colored cow…"

Katt pointed to a jug with a green cap. "And 2% milk?"

Fox crossed his arms and stated matter-of-factly, "They only use 2% of the cow's body."

The feline's jaw dropped. "So it's like that thing they say about Lylatians only using 10% of the brain? What if we unlocked the full potential of a cow? What if we used all 100%?!"

"Yeah, that's…that's milk, Katt. Normal milk."

"You mammals are disgusting," Slippy ordained from atop his perch on the cart. "Imagine drinking each other's milk."

"What's gross about it?" Fox fired back. "It's full of Vitamin D and other nutrients."

"Yeah, but it came from somebody's mammary glands and is meant for their own babies—not you. Like, if one of us was lactating, would you drink our milk?"

Fox paused to wiggle his eyebrows. "I dunno, sounds kind of… _sexy!_ What do you think, my little sla—" He nudged Kursed in the ribs with his elbow, only for the contact to make a hollow ringing sound like struck glass. "Oh dear, she's turned into a foxsicle. We spent too much precious time arguing! Where can we defrost her?"

Slippy pointed down the aisle. "There's a chicken rotisserie at the other end. A few cycles around should do the trick."

"Good thinking! Katt, help me with her."

The pink-furred feline finished stocking the cart with milk before abandoning Slippy to help Fox. She took Kursed's feet while the vulpine hooked his arms beneath her shoulders. "Gangway!" he said while looking over his own shoulder and shuffling backwards. "Geez, it's true what they say about rigor mortis."

"Hey, what about me?!" Slippy cried, uselessly kicking his feet back and forth through the leg holes.

"You're on your own Slip! If we get separated I'm sure Mom will use the intercom to announce you were found and are safe back at the manager's office."

Not about to be left behind, the resourceful amphibian grabbed a baguette and began using it like a ski pole to propel the cart down the aisle.

* * *

Outside Mom's Organic Market Miyu and Fay continued to sell their juice. Thirsty Aquans who passed by couldn't resist the mouthwatering drinks the pair of girls sold—especially not in the scorching heatwave that had overtaken Frappé Island that day. They kept a regiment of clear plastic pitchers lining the counter, each one covered in condensation while holding brightly-colored nectars inside; soft green coconut limeade, thick smoothies blended from mangos, pineapples, and bananas, and deep red fruit punch squeezed from a mix of local berries. The flavors were an immediate hit, with the stand attracting a considerable amount of attention and returning customers.

After Fay finished accepting money from a transaction and waving goodbye to the customers, her eyes caught on a foreboding sight. She nudged Miyu, who was laughing with a pair of Aquans as she stirred one of the pitchers.

"In a minute, Fay," she protested. "I'm concocting a new blend of guava, watermelon, and most daring of all, cucumber!"

"But Miyu, they're back!" Fay insisted, tugging the hem of the cat's shirt and pointing.

Realizing the matter was serious, Miyu set down the cucumber and followed the direction of her friend's gesture.

Sure enough, Star Wolf had returned.

Together, Wolf and Leon carried a small wooden stand with a cardboard sign across the top. Leon had to twist his head back and look over his shoulder as they shuffled it along the sidewalk.

"Alright-alright, move aside!"

"Gangway!"

"Clear the sidewalk!"

"Start-up business comin' through!"

"Support your local economy!"

"Watch it, lady!"

The wolf and chameleon left one woman sprawled on the ground before they set the stand down; directly across the sidewalk from Fay and Miyu's juice stand, on the other side of the entrance to Mom's Organic Market. Next they pulled out a pair of tiny stools and seated themselves behind the juice stand, but looked rather bored. Then catching sight of Miyu and Fay looking worriedly at them, Wolf elbowed Leon and they turned together to sneer.

"Well ladies, it looks like your head start is about up!" Wolf grinned through a maw of pointed teeth. "I hope you made the most of it while you had the chance, cause that lead is quickly gonna run out once we open up shop."

"Of course we did! 'Miyu and Fay's Juice Stand' is on the slimy lips of every frog in Frappé Village!" Even though Fay tried to stop her from bragging to their rivals, Miyu held up a clear plastic money jar. When she shook it, the Aquan coins clinked together and the blue-colored bills fluttered about like a snow globe. "Business has been booming! I'm afraid we've already cornered the juice market and there's no in left for a trio of flea-bitten salesmen like you."

Wolf crossed his arms and spoke confidently. "We'll just see about that, tuna-breath. Your crony capitalism doesn't stand a chance against a group of business-savvy entrepreneurs with a dream; a dream of humiliating _you!"_

"Well, I don't _see_ you serving anything yet…" Miyu cooed.

"Oh we're about to," Leon rasped. "We'll start by serving you the Juice of Defeat!"

Fay chuckled nervously at his joke, trying to diffuse the situation. "Well, you two certainly found a wooden stand really fast! Looks kinda small though. Where'd you get it?"

"Ha!" Wolf exclaimed. "It used to be a puny kid's lemonade stand, but we pulverized the crud out of the runt!"

Leon hissed a laugh. "Free market for the win! It was like taking a lemonade stand from a baby! Wait…"

"Th-th-that's terrible!" Fay stammered in disbelief.

"But wait," Wolf warned, "there's more…" He disappeared under the stand before returning with a tin can full of money and slamming it on the counter. "Boom! We even swiped the money he'd made so far."

"Hey, that's cheating!" Miyu cried.

But the lupine shrugged. "It's still capital made in the line of business."

Before the girls could complain any further, Andrew emerged from Mom's Market carrying several bags of groceries with his straining arms.

"Well Andrew," Wolf greeted, "at least you're good for something. How much did it cost?"

The simian hefted the groceries up. "The cashieeeeeer said she'd give me these for freeeeeeeeeeee if I never opened my mouth inside the store agaaaaaaaaaaaaain!"

Leon scratched his chin thoughtfully and nodded. "Armed robbery with a lethal weapon. I like it!"

"Is there anything you _didn't_ steal?" Miyu chided.

Wolf leaned over the tiny counter and spoke to her condescendingly. "Oh come now Miyu, you expect me to believe the trees just _gave_ you their precious fruits, _hmmm?"_

"What? What kind of stupid argument is—"

But Fay placed a hand in front of Miyu, stopping her. "No-no: he's got a point there."

Miyu wanted to press the issue but gave up. "Well," she said, "at least they can't sink any lower."

Andrew brought the bags over to the counter and unpacked them with Wolf and Leon's help. He had merely purchased name-brand juice, and together they stripped off the labels to present it as their own. When Miyu realized what they were doing she rolled her eyes in exasperation but didn't waste her breath speaking up about it. They really were on-track to becoming the most ruthless juice-salesmen in the Lylat System.

And now the Juice Cold War was on—yes, including the Juice Race to discover the next leading flavor. That afternoon it became clear that the future of warfare would not be fought on the battlefield with mere weapons of mass destruction, plagues of nano-machine swarms, planet-sized lasers, or even through the labyrinthine landscapes of quantum cyberspace. Nay, the battles of the future would be fought with one weapon and one weapon only:

 _Juice_.

Countries would rise and fall by the exchange rate of… Juice. Juice shortages could bring entire empires to their knees. The discovery of natural reserves of fruit would jumpstart the economies of third-world countries, then level them once again when the System's superpowers invaded and carved them up under the pretenses of 'liberation.' I'm not f🍉cking kidding. They're called the Banana Wars. Go look 'em up.

At first Miyu and Fay's juice continued to sell by the pitcher-load, which they attributed to their unique blend of flavors, personal charm, and customer loyalty. But Star Wolf wasn't content to lag behind. They put their noggins together, proving that any trio of heads including Andrew's just cancels back down to one. You do the math. While the girls weren't looking, Wolf took down their cardboard sign, scribbled on it some more with permanent marker, and replaced it.

The girls noticed something was off when a larger group of Aquan customers gathered around their opponents' stand. Together they peered over the Aquans' leathery heads at Star Wolf's cardboard sign, eyebrows raising when they noticed a particular set of text had been scribbled over and replaced.

"Those filthy rats!" Miyu exclaimed. "They're selling their juice one cent cheaper."

"O-one cent cheaper?" Fay echoed worriedly. "But how is that enough to attract so many more customers than us?"

"It makes all the difference, Fay. We made the mistake of selling our cups of juice at a round, single-credit fee. They're only selling them for 99 cents, the dirty sharks! The mind is a fickle creature, girl. To the brain, 99 hundredths seems infinitely smaller than a solid 100."

"What'll we do?" the spaniel asked while biting her nails.

Without speaking, Miyu took down their own sign, crossed out the one credit price, and replaced it with .89 in even bigger numbers. "We just have to fight fire with fire, Fay! We'll see how low they can go in the juice-marketing limbo!"

As predicted, Frappé's citizens began to take notice of the girls' lower price and flocked to their stand instead. Wolf, Leon, and Andrew were left furious behind their vacant stand. But not for long. Wolf once again crossed out the old price and replaced it with one ten cents cheaper than the girls' new price. Taking notice, the girls likewise dropped theirs by twenty cents. What followed was a back-and-forth race all the way down to the single digits. Reluctantly, Miyu crossed out their last price and went as low as possible; offering a cup of juice at a mere once cent. Wolf saw their bet and dropped to one cent as well, and for a few minutes the two companies were at an impasse.

Miyu breathed in and out tiredly from scribbling and putting the sign up-and-down so fast. "Well, I think we have them beat! For the same price our formula is already proven to outsell theirs."

Then Leon's face slowly contorted into a nasty, evil grin. Taking the marker from Wolf, he leaned backwards over the counter and crossed out the one cent, writing in its place, in all capital letters, 'FREE!'

"WHAT?!" Miyu and Fay cried at the same time.

Wolf gripped the chameleon's shoulders. "Leon, you can't be serious! At this rate we'll never make more money than them!"

"Relax Wolf," the lizard rasped like sandpaper scraped across… uh… even more sandpaper. "We may lose the contest, but remember; our ultimate goal is to ruin them financially! We might not make more money than them, but the more business we steal, the less overall they'll make."

Slowly as Wolf thought it over, his eyes lit up and his fangs bared in a smile. "Leon, that's the evilest most self-destructive ploy I've ever heard! You're a mad genius, you know that?"

The girls' hearts collectively sank while Star Wolf cackled at their own evil scheme. Miyu's shoulders slumped, and she shook her head. "I'm sorry Fay, I should've listened to you. This was never supposed to be a petty game; my competitive nature just got the better of me. Now Star Fox will be sunk financially, all because I impulsively accepted Wolf's challenge to a juice-off."

Fay lay a hand on Miyu's shoulder and patted her. "Oh don't feel so bad Miyu; I secretly wanted to put those nasty bullies in their place too. But moping about it won't help! We just need a new strategy."

Miyu shook her head forlornly. "I don't know Fay; how do you beat another company that can sell at a loss? That can _give_ away their product when you can't afford to? At this rate I'm afraid there's no other choice for Miyu and Fay's Juice Stand but to file a Chapter 11."

"Declare bankruptcy?"

"No, I mean Chapter 11 of _Yellow 60 Lake:_ the one where we visit the hot spring."

"You don't mean—?!"

"Exactly," Miyu stated. "We're f🍋cked."

* * *

The next stop on the Katina Fried Chicken tour was the legendary deep-fryer. The red-and-white-clad stoat guided Falco and the others along a catwalk suspended over a factory floor, where workers slaved away operating the machinery that fried the chicken. On the far side of the expansive room raw chicken was marinated in massive vats of buttermilk. Then they were lifted by robot claw and doused in a mixture of flour, breadcrumbs, and KFC's secret combination of herbs and spices. Finally they were dropped into a veritable river of bubbling oil.

Falco and the others looked with awe over the side of the railing, watching as chicken wings, drumsticks, and drumettes floated by. Each one emitted a trail of bubbles that popped on the surface of the liquid gold. The river of oil broiled like lava descending from a volcano, the heat palpable from a dozen feet up. Workers wearing asbestos suits waded through the river, inspecting each wing as it drifted past to ensure ideal crust flake and their own death by mesothelioma.

The Major paused in front of them and gestured tiredly at the river. "This, my fellow KFC fanatics, is where we cook the chicken—specifically the deep-frying process. The batter mixture you see further down contains the secret ingredients I have so closely guarded for decades. I'm not afraid to admit to you gentlemen that I have killed to keep our trade secrets safe."

Al the river rat stared hungrily at the mixture of batter, though the sunglasses he wore prevented anyone from seeing so. "The things we do for fried chicken…" he mumbled.

"Please don't lean over the railing," Dickie asked Falco and Floyd, but his tone said he didn't care what happened to them anyway. "I wouldn't want either of you to get turned into the world's biggest piece of fried chicken. People don't seem to like it whole like that."

Floyd gazed with wide eyes down at the factory line. "You mean if I were to say… _accidentally_ fall into the buttermilk down there, I'd be subsequently battered and deepfried in the secret ingredient and get turned into fried chicken?"

"Indeed you would, sonny. Best be careful."

"Well shit Dickie, that's all you had to say!"

The old stoat looked at the flamingo while he kicked off his shoes, then stripped off his shirt and pants, revealing a red-and-white-striped pair of bathing trunks. "Young man, what are you—?"

"Ever since I tasted your wonderful batter, it has been my single goal in life to be encased in the golden, spicy flakes of Katina Fried Chicken."

"Floyd, you don't know what you're in for—!"

But the pink-feathered avian rushed past him, feet clanking against the metal walkway. "Never threaten me with a good time, old man!" Before any of the workers along the catwalk could stop him, Floyd climbed up on the railing, put his hands together, and dove off into the vat of buttermilk.

Falco and the other two winners rushed to the part of the railing where he'd jumped off, leaning out over the precipice to get a better view. Dickie Donga trailed behind, looking over the edge worriedly.

After the ripples from Floyd's initial splash settled, the flamingo's head and lanky neck broke the surface like a periscope. He gasped loudly for air, but gave a thumbs-up for the benefit of the onlookers. Falco cheered and broke out in a chant of, "Floyd! Floyd! Floyd! Floyd! Floyd!"

The flamingo spat out a stream of buttermilk. "I'm doing it Falco!" his voice echoed up. Then a robotic arm grabbed him by the tail feathers and lifted him out of the milk before depositing him in the pan of batter. A cloud of flour kicked up into the air upon his impact, then settled to reveal the buttermilk-soaked flamingo rolling back and forth in the batter. "WOOOOOOOHOOOOO!" he shouted.

Falco chanted his name louder, and now even Al and the mysterious badger joined in. Dickie merely shook his head while covering his eyes in disbelief.

A second arm grabbed Floyd by the foot and lifted him out of the batter pan. He passed by Falco and the others, yelling, "Yeaaaaah baby!" and was close enough to give Falco a messy high-five along the way. Then the arm unceremoniously dropped him into the boiling-hot oil, and he let out a blood-curdling scream.

Together the tour group raced to the end of the catwalk, where they were just in time to see Floyd deposited on a rack of fried chicken to later be flash-frozen for storage and shipping. Sure enough, the flamingo resembled a giant Katina Fried Chicken leg, entirely cased in greasy crust.

A pair of workers arrived to get him safely down from the rack. One of them erased a whiteboard that read, 'Days without deep-fryer accident: 2', replacing the number with zero.

"Welp," the major sighed, "that's one way to fail a health inspection."

* * *

Once the ice binding Kursed's eyelids melted, she blinked them open. For a minute she shivered, then loosened up to bask in the warmth of whatever device she was in. Oddly enough, she felt herself spinning round and round in slow circles, but welcomed the motion. It made sure that every side of her body was heated up equally.

Then she noticed the juicy chickens roasting beside her.

Her eyes went wide and she struggled, but found herself bound hand, foot, and torso to a revolving spit. _This is it!_ she thought, _the fox kaptain means to finally get his revenge!_

Her wide eyes darted around the supermarket each time she rotated to face outside the oven. Eventually she spotted Fox on her second circuit, and she called out to him.

"Arrrrgh, thou fiendish monster! So the lot of you and thy krew be kannibals?! I should have expected such savagery in these foreign…" But the roasting spit rotated Fox out of view, and she had to pause until she came back around to face him again. "…In these foreign, uncivilized lands! That was thine intent all along!"

"Relax, Kaptain. You froze in the cold foods aisle and we had to defrost you in the chicken rotisserie."

Kursed blinked. "Oh… then ye do not mean to eat me?"

" _I do, just not in the way you're thinking…"_ Fox muttered while looking the other direction.

"Eh?"

"No! Of course we're not going to eat you! You're much too salty."

"Ah." Kursed let out a sigh of relief, turning slowly to face the back of the oven before rounding the top again. "Say, Fox… where are the others? The round leathery goblin and the feline of the fluffy pink fur?"

Fox turned around and rested his hands on the edge of the rotisserie. "They're around the store somewhere, just getting the rest of the groceries."

"Then you… stayed behind with me this whole time?"

Fox coughed. "Well, yeah. Someone had to watch over you while you thawed. I was just looking out for you…"

"Strange… dost thou always treat thy prisoners this kindly?"

The vulpine scratched his chin. "I dunno. I've never really had a prisoner of my own. Doesn't really matter who's the prisoner and who's the captor. I just wanted to make sure you didn't become a Cerinian ice cube; that's all."

Kursed was silent a moment as she mulled over his answer. She felt a new wave of heat that warmed her from the inside; and it was no result of the rotisserie oven. After a few more seconds she said softly, "Fox… thank you."

During her silence, Fox had been staring at her exposed swath of fur while she turned, but her gratitude caught him off guard. He quickly spun around and cleared his throat. "Don't, um, mention it."

For a few more moments the only audible sound was the humming that came from the oven, and the intermittent dripping from Kursed's melting ice.

"Fox…" she began tenderly.

"What is it, Kursed?"

"I think my slave thong is melting. Kan you get me down from here?"

Fox jumped. "Oh! Right!" He reached into the oven and flipped a switch to stop the rotation when Kursed came back around to face him again. Then he took out the keys to her bindings and unlocked each one in turn. The vixen slipped down from the spit and crawled out of the oven. When she stood upright again she brushed the melted water and chicken brine off her coat.

The rattling of a shopping cart with one squeaky wheel caused their ears to perk, and they turned to see Katt and Slippy returning. The frog trundled alongside Katt now rather than riding in the basket; he had to make room for the mountain of groceries the two had accumulated.

Katt smiled when she saw Kursed. "Ah, I see the defrosting was successful! Glad you're not suffering from hypothermia."

Kursed stared in awe at the pile of food. "That is quite the load of plunder! Didst ye find the kotton kandy ye spake of?"

Slippy snorted and stifled a laugh. "No, but we found some _cotton candy."_

The vixen looked down at him in confusion. "That's what I said… kotton kandy."

Katt began to giggle as well. "Okay, even _I_ think that sounds kinda goofy."

But Slippy wasn't about to let it go. "We also found some _kauliflower_."

Catching on, Katt added, "Oh yeah, and some _kans_ of _kantaloupe."_

The captain glanced back and forth between them, bewildered by their laughter. "I am sorry, I do not understand what the joke is."

"I have a _koupon_ here for half-off _kream_ ," Slippy added.

"Yeah, and there's a sweepstakes going on for _Kolonel_ _Kuster's_ _Kustard._ "

"Everything ye sayeth is kompletely normal. What are ye laughing at?"

"Oh, oh! We have to remember to get kelery and sweet autumn kider!"

But at this Kursed frowned. "Okay, now thou art speaking rather strange."

"How about some fresh kherries and kheese?"

"Wait, that is _not_ how it works. You two do not understand!"

But by now Slippy and Katt had tears in their eyes and were dying with laughter. Slippy was only barely able to get out, "Don't forget we need kondiments like korse kadish and kayonnaise and kickle kelish!"

" _Stoooop!_ " Kursed wailed. "Thou art making light of the sacred Cerinian tongue!"

Fox meanwhile had stayed out of their fun-making. But as their teasing continued his expression gradually darkened into disgust. At this point he stepped between Kursed and his two friends, glaring at them. "All right you two," he growled. "Knock it off! Can't you see the poor girl has been separated from her family for kuite some time? Have a heart, will ya?"

To his chagrin the pair merely clutched their sides harder, laughing at him now as well. Slippy rolled back and forth on the floor while Katt leaned against a wall and slid down.

Shaking his head, Fox took hold of the cart and began pushing it towards the registers. "Come on Kursed, let's check out."

But before she followed him, the spoiled princess turned-ruthless pirate captain stuck her tongue out at the feline and frog. Then the two vulpines headed off to the front of the store, with the pair of gigglers trailing drunkenly behind.

When they reached the first empty register, Fox began taking the groceries out and placing them on the conveyor belt. Eying the cashier suspiciously, Kursed lowered her voice and asked Fox, _"Didst thou taketh all the plunder thou wishest?"_

Fox lowered his voice as well without knowing why. _"Uh, yeah, it's all right here. We just have to pass the cashier first."_

" _Good. I shall deal with the wench swiftly."_

Before his eyes, Kursed began extending a fully-collapsible cutlass to its full length, the overhead fluorescent lights glinting off the deadly blade.

"Whoa there, Kursed! There's no need for that!"

Slippy and Katt caught up to them, eyes widening when they saw her weapon.

"Where did you even get that?!" the frog asked in awe.

Kursed placed an iron morning star in Slippy's hands. _"The same place I got this. Now,_ ATTACK!"

Before any of her companions could stop her, Kursed charged the cashier, sword swinging. The rather overweight walrus lady jumped when she saw Kursed running at her, but she quickly began sidestepping and ducking beneath the vixen's singing blade. In no time at all the pirate captain had the cashier pinned against the wall, who fearfully stared down the sharp metal edge at Kursed's blood-filled eyes.

"Any last words, peasant scum?" she demanded.

"Only a few…" The walrus grabbed a plastic checkout divider and batted Kursed's weapon away. "Are you going to pay for that?!" she screeched.

The two women found themselves embroiled in a classic sword fight, with the cashier expertly matching Kursed's own bladework. Sensing an opportunity to claim the high ground, Kursed lept onto the conveyor belt and unleashed a series of powerful downward swipes upon the woman. Then she nearly lost her balance when the belt activated. While the conveyor shifted the vixen towards the walrus she had to continually dance backwards to keep her distance. Soon the vixen was out of breath.

"Dost thou ever stop advancing?!" she gasped. "You don't even look like you're moving, yet you still force me back!"

Then a can of chicken bouyon reached Kursed's feet, and she slipped backwards on it. She landed flat on her back atop the conveyor belt, letting out a surprised grunt. The belt continued pushing her forward until the walrus lady grabbed her by the neck and jammed the bar code scanner into her eyes. Kursed screamed as the red lasers strobed in her face, squeezing her eyes shut too late. The register screen rung her up as 'Discnt Fnsrvce – 1.'

The cashier let go of the blinded pirate captain, and Kursed stumbled about the register. Then, still blinking away the afterimage of the scanner, she began madly swinging her cutlass back and forth at thin air. "Argh, where is she?! I'll get that bitch! Let me at her!"

"Kursed, STOP!" Fox yelled. He cautiously approached the vixen, but kept having to leap back at the last second before one of her desperate swings decapitated him. In her blind rage she knocked over a meticulously stacked pyramid of cans and beheaded a cardboard cut out of a chef holding a bowl of instant ravioli. Finally he sensed an opening and charged in, grabbing both her wrists to keep her from swinging further.

"Kursed, what's gotten into you?!"

"We're plundering the village! What do you think we're doing?!"

"This is a supermarket! We _pay_ for all the items we take from here! No one has to get hurt, or there'd be nobody to run the store!"

Kursed lowered her cutlass, gasping for breath. "P… p… p-pay?"

"Yes! They give us food, and in return we pay them with money. You know; gold or representations of gold."

The vixen tried looking at him, but was still blinded from the scanner and ended up staring vacantly over his shoulder. "On Cerinia the peasants paid the royal klass tribute; 92% of their krops. If we kame across another village who wasn't loyal to my family, we raided them! You are telling me things work differently here?"

"Look princess, you have to understand; everyone is equal here. There are no slaves and masters, no peasants and feudal lords, no commoners and royalty. We are all on the same terms! Except people who leave thoughtful reviews, of course—they're on another plain entirely. This system we have is called capitalism, which is founded on the precepts of equal exchange and agreed upon value. It cuts out all forms of war and bloody conflict. These aren't the Dark Ages, Kursed; it's 20XX!"

"Kapitalism, huh?" the vixen echoed. She looked down dejectedly and collapsed her cutlass. "I am terribly sorry, Fox. Believe me, I did not know! I am not familiar with the kustoms of thy strange world."

Fox released a breath, relieved that he was finally getting through to her. "That's it! There's never any need for bloodshed in this society. At least, _almost_ never."

Slippy waddled over to Kursed, handing her the spiked morning star. "You should put this away before you hurt somebody," he advised. "You might poke someone's eye out."

Kursed accepted the mace. "Well, it may take me a while to adjust to such a society, but I will certainly try. Now if ye would kindly turn around, I have to put these back."

Fox and Slippy's eyes grew wide as dinner plates when she reached down, but they turned their backs on her out of respect. Kursed paused to glance back and forth between the morning star and cutlass. "Now if I kould only remember which went where so I don't get an infection…"

Katt however looked on without flinching. "Well," she said, "at least we know why you're such a hard-ass all the time."

* * *

 _Continued in Part 3..._

* * *

*I SHIT YOU NOT I HEARD THIS IN A FOOD LION WITH NO EXPLANATION

 _(also I stole "foxsicle" from Prof. Slaad - thanks man)_


	10. Grocery Run P3

_Episode 4: Grocery Run (Part 3)_

* * *

.≋≋≋≋≋≋≋ ≋≋≋≋≋≋≋.

* * *

After bidding Floyd a bittersweet farewell, the shrinking tour group followed Major Donga to the next stop. Deep within the bowels of the Katina Fried Chicken factory, they came upon a massive safe door that towered over them. The 12-foot-high reflective steel gate was circular in shape, resembling the entrance to a tomb. Upon seeing the safe, the interests of Falco, Al, and the mysterious badger were each aroused.

The Major stepped forward and tiredly tapped away at a numeric pad. Falco peered over his shoulder curiously, noticing the mascot just tapped 1 repeatedly until a light blinked green. The pad then disappeared into the wall, only to be replaced by a handprint scanner which the major lay his paw over. This in turn was followed by a retina scanner, tongue swab, and DNA test administered through several robotic arms. Once the security system concluded the stoat was the one-and-only Major Dickie Donga (it seemed disappointed), the arms disappeared and the towering safe door rolled to the side, sending tremors that shook the very ground upon which the tour group stood.

Falco and the others followed the gray-furred stoat in, a series of reinforced blast doors opening sideways or vertically one after the other ahead of him. Finally they emerged into the safe room, which was pitch black at first. It was so dark that the major seemed to meld into the shadows, and the three remaining winners paused nervously in the last door frame.

"H-hello?" Falco called into the room. The echoes of his voice came back drenched in reverb, revealing just how expansive the room was.

Then in an instant, the lights switched on, blinding them. What once had been a sea of shadows was replaced by a solid white room resembling an empty void; the kind of sight one would expect to see when reading Fay's mind. But unlike her mental sanctum, this room had a series of pedestals covered in red cloth every dozen feet in each direction, forming a sort of coordinate plane that extended as far as the eye could see.

Falco quickly spotted the major standing beside the first pedestal, which, instead of a red cloth, held a rudimentary control system.

Dickie held out his arm, but it drooped in place. "This… is the inventing room. All of our promotional items and experimental recipe changes are birthed and cataloged here, before they are unleashed to cause chaos and mayhem in the rest of the System. What you are about to see is highly secret, and must not leave this room."

The three winners completely made up for his lack of enthusiasm by their own reactions. Al especially was mesmerized by the field of secret products; his eyes bulged from their sockets and drool began to drip from his mouth. Even the badger was intrigued by all the inventing room had to offer, though he kept stealing suspicious glances back at the coypu.

"Wow…!" Falco slowly breathed. He rushed to the nearest pedestal and fawned over the red cloth adorning it. "KFC's rolling out red velvet napkins! Amazing!"

Dickie Donga rolled his eyes before stepping over to him. "No-no-no. It's what's _under_ the cloths, Falco. Those are just for show."

"Oh…"

"I guess this is about a good a time as any to announce my next promotional item." He grabbed the corner of the cloth, then wheezed, "Behold! The Chorito-battered, General Pepper-deepfried, chicken sandwich!" He whipped the covering off dramatically to reveal a slab of chicken between a pair of buns that clearly was no ordinary chicken sandwich. His threat had been true; the Major had maniacally ground up nacho-flavored Choritos chips and used them to batter the breast of chicken before deepfrying it in General Pepper soda. What sat before them was the monstrous pinnacle of fast-food crossovers.

The three remaining winners simultaneously gasped, frozen in pure awe at the sight of the product.

But as soon as it came, Dickie Donga's one moment of joy that tour vanished. Slipping back into his dour malaise, he dropped his cane and slumped forward onto the pedestal, sliding a bit down the side.

"You know friends, my entire purpose was to setup a punchline making fun of fast food brands for the increasingly desperate crossovers they employ to market their food. However, real life itself jumped the shark on July 1st, 2019, when KFC released the Cheetos Chicken Sandwich. Just… what is the point of living anymore? Nothing in our lives will ever top that. I honestly tried my best with the Choritos-battered, General Pepper-deepfried sandwich, but is it really even that much of a step up? What's the point of satire when reality beats you to it? Has life truly sunk this low that hybrid fast and junk food is the future of the industry? Sometimes I just… I miss the old days…"

The stoat turned around and slouched backwards against the pedestal. He pulled out a metal flask from his inner coat pocket and took a long swig before replacing it. "I just don't care anymore. The Choritos General Pepper Chicken Sandwich was my swan song, and just look at it. It's a monster. It didn't ask to be born, yet here I am, forcing it to come to life, birthing it into the harsh reality of this world. You know, when I first started out in the restaurant business 67 years ago, all I did was sell fried chicken. It was wholesome. It was tasty. It was simple. And I made it with care and love and the finest recipe that had been in the family for generations. When I opened my first restaurant, I only sold one item. Then I expanded to biscuits and mashed potatoes and other home-styled dishes. Before I knew it, I was in a billion-dollar company enthralled in the fast food wars; just another CEO caught up in the rat race. How did I ever go from home-cooked chicken, to _this…"_

The major broke down into quiet sobs. Falco, Al, and the badger looked on sadly, at a loss.

Then he sniffed, recovering a bit of his composure. "I know I've insulted each one of you for being a mindless fanatic of my chicken, but honestly, it's times like this where I meet my fans that I remember what all of it is for. So… thank you, for being here for me. You starry-eyed customers are the only thing that keeps me going in life. Without you, I don't know where I'd be."

"Ha-haaa!" a voice exclaimed from behind them.

Falco, Dickie, and the badger all turned to see Al the river rat poised with a Tommy gun he had removed from his greasy mullet. The sunglasses were gone, exposing his beady eyes.

"Dickie you fool, it was me all along: Al Copeland, the CEO of Popeye's! I didn't come here to tour your special factory—I came to steal your secret fried chicken formula and your upcoming promotional items! Before you can release your new sandwich, I'll just release one battered in Cheddos cheese powder and fried in Dr. Oikonny cola!" He waved the gun menacingly. "Now, step aside from that pedestal if you want to prolong your pathetic existence."

"Al Copeland, my arch nemesis!" the Major exclaimed. "I should've expected a greasy trick from the likes of you! You won't get away with this! If you release that crossover, I'll sue you for everything you've got!"

"Oh, but you can't. You see Major, to win this contest, I bought up every KFC on the nearby islands to go through the chicken for the ticket, inadvertently turning myself into the majority stakeholder of Katina Fried Chicken LTD! I _own_ you now, and I'm determined to ruin you and the KFC brand once and for all! Now, as I said, step away from the sandwich!"

A gunshot rang out, causing Al to drop his Tommy gun and wring his hand in pain. "What?!" he exclaimed. "Who did—?"

Beside Falco, the badger blew a trail of smoke from a concealed handgun. He walked towards the coypu, slapping a pair of handcuffs around his wrists.

"Mr. Al Copeland, you are under arrest."

"Wh-wh-what?! You have no authority in this factory! Who even allowed you to bring a gun in here?!"

The badger withdrew his wallet and flipped it open, revealing a shiny bronze badge and an officer's license.

"Sergeant Sheldon Heath, Pun Police. Star Fox division."

"What? What did I do?!"

"You violated the most basic of fanfiction laws; unauthorized appropriation of a real life name without significant creative change. Since Popeye's and Al Copeland are unmodified, you are under arrest."

The badger began to drag the struggling CEO away. "No! This can't be! There's been some mistake!"

"I must advise that anything you say may be held against you in a court of law." He nodded to Dickie Donga. "Thank you for your full compliance, sir."

"D-don't mention it…" the major trailed off as he and Falco watched in disbelief.

When the officer removed the abhorrent criminal from the room, Dickie reached out to Falco. "Help me up, sonny. My legs aren't what they used to be."

The avian hurried over to his side and helped the Major straighten up, going so far as to dust him off a bit.

"Well Falco, looks like you're the only one left. There are just _two_ more stops on this tour."

"Awesome! It's just you and me now! I can't believe I have _the_ Dickie Donga all to myself!"

"I've saved something special for the end. Tell me, Falco," he pointed his cane at him, "are you ready to learn what chicken is _really_ made from?"

The avian's face lit up. "Are you kidding? Of course I am! I always wanted to know where Lylat sources its high-protein organic material from! It's the mystery that's on everyone's lips; the tough anthropomorphic science fiction question awkwardly skirted over by nearly every Star Fox fanfiction writer!"

Dickie threw an arm around Falco's shoulder and the two began to exit the inventing room together.

"Well my boy, first you must help gather some ingredients…"

* * *

"Thank you for being so understanding!" Fox gratefully said to the walrus cashier, who had just processed their payment for all the groceries. "The culture Kursed is from is rather… backwards, if you will."

"And what is _that_ supposed to mean?" Kursed demanded.

"Oh think nothing of it!" the walrus returned with a smile. "But you, young lady, could stand to hone your riposte a bit more. Your counterattacks were rather clumsy."

"I'm much more interested in your ability to blind with magic fire," the vixen admitted, rather humbly for once. "'Twas a ruthless trick!"

"Bye for now, ma'am!" Katt waved back as she wheeled their grocery-laden cart towards the front of the store.

Now out of the cashier's earshot, Fox looked down at their receipt and frowned. He shook his head and slapped the receipt. "Welp, that about does it. This bill wipes out the funds of Star Fox Jr. Squadron."

"We'll just have to hope Fay and Miyu's juice stand was a success," Slippy sighed while putting his hands in his pockets.

"If worse comes to worst, we may have to all get jobs."

Katt shrugged. "Aw, a part-time job isn't so bad. Haven't you fellas ever had to work outside the Academy?"

Fox shook his head. "My job was just helping out with my dad's business and learning how to run my own PMC."

"I guess I could go back to flipping burgers," the feline admitted.

"I could help seniors with IT," Slippy added.

"I bet we could all find jobs if it came down to it," Fox said. "The only one I'm worried about is the kaptain here. I hate to admit it, but she's a bit of a spoiled princess who hasn't worked a day in her life."

Kursed let out a bloodthirsty snarl. "Ohhh why don't you just let me _steal something?!"_ She reached into her loincloth for the concealed cutlass again, but Fox grabbed her wrist.

"Whoa, there's no need for that. I'm sure we can think of _something_ for you to do. Now let's see…" Fox scratched his chin and furrowed his brow, sizing Kursed up-and-down thoughtfully. "What kind of job can we find for a young, gorgeous vixen from an exotic planet… with perfect figure and novelty blue fur… and a fiery, spunky attitude…" Just as his eyes lit up and he raised a finger, his thoughts were interrupted.

"Um, excuse me, but are you Kaptain Kursed?"

The group stopped walking and turned to see a timid-looking turtle behind them. He wore a white dress shirt and old-timey-looking brown pants with suspenders, as well as a red-checkered tie. A photographer's camera hung around his neck.

"Of kourse. Who else would I be?" the vixen answered.

"Allow me to introduce myself," he huffed after catching up with them. "I am a talent scout for CBT: Cereal Brand Tradings, owner of Crispy Crunch Cereal. We had to drop our previous mascot because of… well, let's just say he was a superstitious old captain with a wild imagination, and he was a public liability for the brand. I've heard stories of your swashbuckling exploits around Frappé, and I think you would be the perfect replacement for the mascot of Crispy Crunch Cereal!"

"A mascot?" Kursed asked. "Of a krispy krunchy cereal? What type of nonsensical words are these?"

"Kursed," Fox explained, "a mascot is a character who advertises a company's product, pretending it's their own. Cereal is a breakfast food made from grains."

The vixen's face twisted in disgust. "I don't know, Fox; sounds an awful lot like peasant food."

"B-but it has a sweet golden taste!" the talent scout stuttered.

Her ears perked. "Gold?! I accept!"

"Splendid! We'll call them: 'Kaptain Kursed's Crispy Crunchies!' Eh, eh? _"_

The others looked at each other in surprise while Kursed nodded along. "Hm. The name is alright. But 'Kaptain Kursed's _Krispy Krunchies'_ is vastly superior."

"Um, alright, I'll see if I can talk the board into changing it. Now, if you'll follow me please, we have a photo shoot set up in the back of Mom's Market—"

But Fox placed himself in front of the turtle, planting his feet firmly. "Hold it! Not so fast."

The turtle's head shrank back into his shell a bit. "Uh, and who are you, good sir?"

Fox gestured to himself with his thumb. "I'm Fox McCloud, Kaptain Kursed's publicity agent/manager. It's my job to properly represent my client. I screen all of her contracts and business offers before you can push a pen and paper anywhere near her." He clasped his hands together. "Now, what sort of licensing deal are you offering? A percentage in the company? A cut of the total profits? Single fee? Per hour of shooting?"

"I get to shoot things?!"

The turtle wrung his hands. "I-I assure you it will be quite profitable, Mr. McCloud sir!"

Kursed waved Fox off. "Who kares about payment? I get to have solid gold krispy krunchies!"

Fox shook the turtle's hand. "Well then as-of-yet unnamed talent scout, we conditionally accept—as long as we can work out the details before my client lends her actual likeness."

"Of course, of course. Now, if you'll all follow me into the back, we can talk things over with the company representatives and begin shooting."

Katt and Slippy watched in shock as Kursed and Fox followed the turtle towards the rear of the store.

"Hey, Fox!" the feline called, "what are we supposed to do with all these groceries?"

"Take 'em outside and wait for Falco!" he called over his shoulder. "Help Miyu and Fay sell the rest of their juice, I don't give a loop of fruit…"

The frog and feline watched them disappear down an aisle.

Slippy turned to Katt. "So… we gonna sell juice or what?"

But the pink-furred cat took off after them with the shopping cart. "No way! Some of these items would spoil outside, and I'm worried Fox might be plotting something dastardly for that poor vixen…"

* * *

Inside a café overlooking the sparkling ocean and rainbow-painted docks of Frappé Village, a pair of chickens shared a table together. The two lovebirds were completely enraptured with one another's presence; they took turns daintily popping food into their mate's mouth and sharing a milkshake with two straws, bringing their faces breathlessly close together. They laughed and clucked jubilantly without a care in the world, with no greater want than the pleasure of the other's company.

Judging the time was right, the rooster steeled his resolve and revealed a black velvet box which he presented to the hen opposite him. His mate's eyes sparkled and she clasped her hands, staring in disbelief at the box. "Oh Frank, you're not—?!"

"But I am!" he said in a suave voice. "Margaret, since the day I first laid eyes on you I knew you were the one. My life has never been so fulfilling until the day we met. I want to have moments like this again and again, for the rest of our lives. So, dear… will you marry me?"

Tears sprang to the hen's eyes and she found it hard to speak. "Oh Frank, I—!"

Without warning, the glass door shattered with a crash, raining thousands of glinting shards into the restaurant. A blue-feathered falcon jumped through the opening, knocking off whatever fragments of glass that still desperately clung to the doorframe. His white shirt was ripped open to his bare chest, a red strip of cloth was tied to his head, and in his arms he clutched a pair of submachine guns—the butts of which he'd used to smash in the door.

The couple rose from their chairs, but it was too late. Falco screamed at the top of his lungs, then unloaded a firestorm of rounds into the restaurant. The halves of his beak clacked together from the repetitive kickback, filling his whole body with tremors. The endless stream of rounds tore into the pair of fowls, scattering feathers and blood into the air. When they fell to the ground he turned his carbines on the other chickens in the café, eyes wide and pupils dilated.

"MEAT FOR KFC!" he cried in a bloodthirsty screech. "AH-HAHAHAAAAA! _HAAAAA-_ HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!"

The bullets ripped through tables and bar stools as well as patrons, sending up clouds of napkin scraps, salads, and pieces of clothing. Before long the entire interior of the café looked like a tornado had blown through it, leaving not a table or guest unturned. Falco only quit firing when both his submachine guns ran out of ammo and clicked furiously in his wings. Breathing heavily he let the carbines dangle from his arms by their straps, ejected the spent clips, and one-by-one reloaded them. Renewing his scream, he ran back out into the street with a squadron of other KFC hunters, warbling a deranged war-cry before disappearing around the corner. In the distance, gunshots continued to pop off and echo back through the narrow streets.

Now that the rain of bullets had ended, customers poked their heads out from behind overturned tables and verified the coast was clear. While KFC workers came in to drag away the bodies of chickens, they timidly rose to their feet and brushed themselves off. One otter flipped open her compact mirror and began reapplying her lipstick.

"I knew I never shoulda dated a chicken."

* * *

Outside Mom's Organic Market, Miyu and Fay's Juice Stand was in dire straits. For the past hour they hadn't sold a single cup of juice, whereas Star Wolf's business was still booming—if it could even be called business at this point. There was just no way to beat a free price tag while still earning money.

The feline and canid lay slumped over the counter, arms hanging limply down the other side. Their voices were hoarse from calling out to potential customers and their cheeks were sore from forcing so many smiles. There was nothing left to do. Pitchers upon pitchers lined their counter, completely full and ready to drink. Yet none of them sold. Nor was their a point to coming up with new flavors if Aquans only went for the free ones.

"You know Miyu, I hate that it had to turn out this way. I really didn't want to let Fox down. Because of us, the team's financially sunk, and we won't have enough money to get off this island. I'm afraid we might be marooned here _forever…"_

The lynx sighed in response. "Yup, looks like the punch has soured."

Fay raised an ear hopefully. "How's that noggin of yours cooking? Any good ideas?"

"Sorry girl, I'm all idea-ed out. Unless we think outside the juice pouch we're sunk."

"Ohhh…" the spaniel whimpered, slouching even lower over the counter like a melted Dalí clock.

Then an idea struck Miyu like a bolt of lightning, or a runaway tire in one of those Russian dash cam videos. She slapped the wooden counter, startling her business partner. "I've got it!"

Fay's head shot up. "What?! What is it?"

Miyu brandished a colored marker. "The answer to our problem is _marketing,_ Fay! Besides a significantly lower price, what does Star Wolf got that we don't got?"

"Cowboy suits," Fay exhaled wistfully.

"Nothing! They have absolutely _nothing_ more than we do! The answer doesn't lie in how cheap we price the juice or what kind of flavors we mix. It's how we _brand_ it!"

"So we're just going to advertise our juice differently? What kind of marketing could beat a free handout?"

Miyu's expression turned saucy, and she wiggled her eyebrows at the canine. "Sex. Sex sells, Fay."

All the color drained from beneath Fay's fur, her heart rate picking up. "Well M-M-Miyu, if it's for a good cause, I'll do whatever it is you—"

"No-no-no!" Miyu exclaimed. "I shudder to guess what you had in mind, but I don't mean dressing in skimpy outfits to sell our juice. All we have to do is change the name, and it will grab people's attention before they ever lay eyes on Star Wolf's factory-made gunk."

"Th-then what are you thinking?"

Miyu grabbed another piece of fresh cardboard and scribbled on it for a second, then spun it around to face Fay. "I present to you, Nüde Juice!"

"Nüde Juice?" Fay echoed. "Are you sure you know how you pronounce it?"

"Not in the slightest! But neither will anyone else. It'll establish us as a classier brand than Star Wolf's plebian beverage. It advertises our juice as fresh and natural while still putting suggestive thoughts in consumers' heads. Now quick, before we lose another cent!"

Following Miyu's direction, they redid all the labels and signs to match the new name. They wrote 'Nüde' in a minimalist, modern font for best affect, and because it took considerably less effort than anything remotely fancy or artful.

It worked like a charm. More and more Aquans began to take notice of the new name and bumbled their way to see what it was about. Fay almost couldn't believe when they made their first sale in an hour and had to open up their money jar, inside of which a spider had spun a web. Before long they were able to bump their juice back up to full price, which continued to sell like hotcakes as it had earlier that day.

It didn't last however, as Star Wolf soon took notice. Wolf clenched his teeth and growled at the sight. "That's ridiculous! All they have to do is change their name and _boom!_ Mob of customers, even when _our_ juice is free! Looks like we'll have to step up our game. It'll be easy; come up with a catchy brand name, continue giving the juice away for free, and—"

"Mmmmm-mmmm!" Andrew desperately hummed.

For a moment Wolf considered removing the duct tape that covered his teammate's mouth, but the urge swiftly passed. "What is it Andrew? What's wrong?"

Leon handed Andrew their permanent marker, and the simian took a moment to scribble on a piece of cardboard. After a few minutes he held the sign up to communicate. He'd merely drawn a large arrow, next to which he held up their jar of money, which nearly was—

"Empty?!" Wolf exclaimed. "Ah shit, we have to start turning a profit again before we run out of juice. Let's come up with a better name for our company. Star Wolf can rebrand better than anyone from Star Fox can…"

The girls watched in anticipation as Star Wolf scribbled different logos on pieces of scrap paper—well, Wolf and Leon, that is. Andrew merely sniffed his permanent marker. The success of their rebranding would make or break their sales over the next fiscal hour. At first they balled up and discarded each design they came up with, but eventually Leon hit on something he was proud of and showed it to Wolf.

For a moment the lupine scratched his chin and nodded, then he shook his head. "No-no! More accents! _Lots_ more accents! At least four- or five-times theirs."

Miyu and Fay exchanged nervous looks, then glanced back in time to see the gang replace their sign. It proudly read, 'Star Wolf's Ńáḱéd̀ Juice!' with a self-indulgent amount of accents decorating every letter of 'Naked'.

"Hey!" the lynx angrily exclaimed, "you're just stealing our idea. That's no different than our—wait, I gotta scroll up and paste it from earlier—Nüde Juice!"

"Parallel thinking, my dear," Wolf dismissed her. "We merely came up with a word that communicated just how natural our beverages were; we can't help it if we both came up with the same idea at approximately the same time, now can we?"

"Ooooh!" Miyu clutched an orange in her hand and made to toss it at them, but Fay grabbed her arm just in time.

"Easy there Miyu, there's no need to turn to violence."

Reluctantly the feline dropped the orange back into its crate. "Those dirty criminals. They knew we don't have time to patent our name or take them to court. Guess the only way to beat them…"

Fay sighed and lifted a marker. "Is better branding?"

"Precisely. Think dirty! But also think natural and clean, o-of course!"

* * *

When Fox and Kursed walked into MOM's backroom, they were shocked at how large it was. It was almost as big as the main shopping floor itself. Yet unlike the front the ceiling was missing, revealing all the lights, wires, and tangled duct work that ran beneath the roof. But most of all, the pair of foxes were surprised by what looked like a movie set display on the far left side of the warehouse. They followed the talent scout over to it, the turtle moving fast for sone of his species. When they arrived he went to speak with a few men clad in business suits, leaving Fox and Krystal to take in the set.

The advertisers had done it up like a scene from a pirate film. Center stage was a replica model of a pirate ship not much bigger than a sailboat. The painted letters on the side read _'Captain Crispy's Crunch'_ , leading Fox to recognize it as the former mascot's ship. The cereal box art often featured the hairy-faced captain sailing it. Behind the ship hung a backdrop with a pristine blue sky painted over it. Fake palm trees poked out on either side of the ship, and in front lay a wide swimming pool that passed as the ocean.

Kursed placed her hands on her hips and surveyed the miniature galley. "Yes sir, she's a fine ship she is! I wouldn't mind having her as my own, though I'd never be able to fit more than six or seven of my krew on it…"

Her comment gave Fox suddenly had a long-shot idea.

After a few minutes the talent scout returned with two company executives and a lawyer with an electronic tablet in hand.

"Mr. Crisp, Mr. Crunch, I'd like to introduce you to Kaptain Kursed, terror of the one sea that surrounds Frappé Island. Kaptain Kursed: the founders of Cereal Brand Tradings."

When he finished, Fox cleared his throat loudly.

"Oh! And uh, this is her manager, Mr. Fox McCloud."

The executives—who turned out to be the founding partners of Crispy Crunch Cereal—shook hands with Kaptain Kursed.

"Well," Mr. Crunch said, "I hope you understand our predicament. With our former mascot becoming… _unhinged_ , we're in desperate need of a new face for the brand—and you're just the vixen!"

Mr. Crisp snapped his fingers and the lawyer stumbled forward, printing off several sheets of paper and handing them to Fox and Kursed. The pair studied them while Mr. Crisp talked.

"We have several licensing deals already drawn up, and are prepared to pay a higher dividend if the captain is willing to model for a longer period of time and more… shall we say, _intimate_ photos."

Kursed held one of the contracts upside down. _"Illiterate kommoners,"_ she whispered to Fox. _"They don't even know how to write proper Cerinian. All I see is random scribbles."_

"Three thousand credits," Fox mused, testing the amount out loud. "Not bad. Not bad at all… for an amateur model." He took Kursed's contract and handed them all back to the lawyer. "However, my client is far from amateur. She's a Cerinian princess! A sum like this is peanuts compared to how much her family is worth." But Fox clapped his hands together, a hungry gleam lighting his eyes. "Now, what's this about 'more intimate photos?'"

Crisp and Crunch glanced at one another. "Well," Crisp began, "We wanted to capitalize off certain… assets the captain possesses. You see, Captain Crispy had the sex appeal of a dried worm. If Ms. Kursed is willing, we are prepared to take more racy photographs for a larger bonus."

Fox crossed his arms. "Alright! Now we're getting somewhere."

A wardrobe specialist padded up to them to present one of their proposed outfits for Kursed. It came with a recreation of her famous black cape and a more modest blouse and pair of leggings, which Fox immediately shook his head at.

"No-no, the price is far too low! My client demands higher pay and more challenging work."

The costume designer tossed the first outfit aside and presented Fox and Kursed with a second; this one featuring shorts and a blouse cut-off at the waist.

"3,500 credits if she wears this one," Mr. Crunch offered.

"Please, you are insulting the Kaptain!"

Wiping the perspiration from her forehead and releasing a breath, the wardrobe specialist produced a third outfit, which, while still featuring her cape, merely consisted of a triangle bra and a torn red flag that hung through her sword belt like a sarong.

"4,000 credits!" Mr. Crunch exclaimed, visibly nervous.

But Fox pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes at the outfit, still not satisfied. "You sure you don't have anything skimpier?"

"Wha? B-but we can't very well have her do the photo shoot naked, can we?" Mr. Crisp blustered. "I'm sorry, this is the last outfit we have. Nor are we prepared to pay anything more!"

Fox pretended to scratch his chin thoughtfully. "I'll tell you what. We'll drop the monetary compensation if… you give us that pirate ship."

The two executives glanced at the _Crunch_ , slack-jawed.

"She _is_ seaworthy?" Fox inquired.

"That she is," Mr. Crisp confirmed. "Our last mascot used to smuggle weapons in her. That is, until he complained about hearing strange noises…"

Mr. Crisp took his partner aside, and the two talked back and forth in hushed voices. Finally they returned, looking satisfied.

"Alright, if Kursed wears this outfit and models for the racier photos, we'll repay you with the ship."

But the todd still shook his head. "I don't know, still doesn't seem like a very fair exchange—"

"We'll also supply her with a lifetime supply of Crispy Crunch Cereal."

"DEAL!"

Fox clasped hands with Mr. Crisp, then had Kursed sign her name to the contract the lawyer's tablet spat out. The Cerinian wrote in a series of strange glyphs, though Fox only recognized the very first one, which resembled a capital 'K'.

"Alright," Mr. Crunch said while handing Kursed her new outfit, "slip this on in the changing stall and meet us back out here."

Fox unlocked the slave cuffs and neck collar from Kursed's slavekini, allowing her to walk about freely. She disappeared into the changing room clutching the outfit over her arm and grumbling darkly. When the curtain shut behind her, Fox turned to the two executives.

"I also must insist on being present for each of the photo shoots. I must make sure my client's interests are duly represented."

"I'm sure that can be arranged, Mr. McCloud…"

* * *

By the time Katt and Slippy caught back up to the foxes, they were already in the midst of Kursed's photo op. The feline and frog found a camera and lighting crew set up in front of the galley; they took a variety of photos of the captain posing in her scandalous pirate outfit while holding a bowl of Crispy Crunch cereal. When Katt spotted Fox looking on hungrily she marched over to him.

"Alright you perv, what have you gotten Kursed into?!"

Fox jumped when he heard Katt behind him. "Relax! I have everything under control."

"That's exactly what I'm worried about."

"Hey, before you crucify me, you may be interested to know that through this deal I've secured a way off the island for us."

Katt crossed her arms while Slippy looked up at him hopefully. "Oh? And what might that be?"

He pointed at the replica ship. "After we complete the photo shoot, _that_ beautiful piece of shipbuilding will be ours!"

The feline's face softened, the tension disappearing from her posture. She stared at the galley, clearly impressed.

"Well, I don't like the way you're exploiting Kursed, but I must say that was a crafty business deal. If I don't have to get any more splinters building the _Sea Fox,_ I guess it's worth it. You clearly ain't the leader for nothin'."

"I'm glad you see things that way! 'Cause I also signed you up for a little something while you were gone." Fox handed Katt a tattered white dress that looked ripped to shreds, as well as a coil of ropes. "Here, put these on. You're gonna model for Katt's Strawberry Snap Cereal and play Kursed's prisoner."

Absolutely livid, Katt accepted the shredded dress and rope. Her fists trembled and her knuckles turned white. Knowing she'd kill Fox if she laid eyes on him, she averted her gaze. "Oh I'll get you for this Fox. Mark my words, I _will_ have revenge."

"Yeah-yeah, whatever. Put those on and make sure nothing valuable sticks through the holes."

"And what exactly are _you_ doing to help the cause?" Katt challenged him.

Fox raised his nose in the air and laid a hand over his chest. " _I_ am representing Kursed's interests during the photo op. I have to make sure she looks her best while also feeling comfortable."

Mr. Crunch waved to the todd. "Heads up McCloud, we're ready for First Mate Fox's Frosted Fritters!"

The vulpine pumped his fist. "Aw sweet!" He grabbed his pirate outfit from the wardrobe lady, cartwheeled through the changing stall, and emerged on the other side fully costumed. He skidded to a stop in front of Kursed, who was likewise dressed in her skimpy pirate clothes. While Katt watched in horror and Slippy looked on with morbid interest, the director instructed Kursed to kneel in front of Fox. They gave her a bowl of Frosted Fritters which she held up in front of her chest. Meanwhile another crew member handed Fox a tube of frosting.

"Wait a minute," Katt interrupted, "I don't like where this is going—"

But before she could stop him, Fox spun the cap off the frosting and squirted the tube all over the bowl of cereal—and much of Kursed as well. The vixen flinched and closed her eyes, opening her mouth to accept some of the pearly-white icing. All the while the array of cameras flashed one after the other.

In utter disbelief of what she had witnessed, Katt flung the dress down and stormed onto the stage. "Alright, that's _enough!_ You've gone too far! There is _no_ way Kursed is comfortable with this, manager or no manager!"

But to her chagrin Kursed licked the icing from off her lips and swallowed the load of frosting. "I find this… surprisingly delicious."

* * *

Later that afternoon found Falco and Dickie Donga inside Mom's Organic Market; the last stop of the tour. Being the only survivor, the blue-feathered avian finally had some quality one-on-one time with the Major, enjoying every minute of it and latching onto each word with rapt attention.

The old stoat gestured to the shelves of frozen food behind him. "And here is our latest advancement in the way we sell fried chicken; instant TV dinners for those pathetic souls who can't cook, live by themselves, and never get out to a restaurant with friends. Yes sir, you millennials are changing the way the game of fast food is played. But mark my words Falco, these frozen meals are only a shadow of what fresh KFC tastes like."

"I think it's selfless of you, sir, to think about everyone when you decide how to sell your chicken!" Falco praised.

"Oh quit sucking up to me, you know I just want to squeeze them of every last ce-ACK!"

The Major fell against the freezer door, clutching his heart while his face contorted in pain.

Falco gasped. "Major Donga!" He rushed to the stoat's side and helped lower him to the floor, where he was gripped by wave after wave of pain.

"Falco my boy," he barely managed to wheeze out, "I'm not the spry young fry cook I used to be. I just can't keep up in this modern world of microwave meals, social media campaigns, and ever-changing health food crazes. Truly, I'm not long for this world." He looked up at Falco and lay a heavy paw on the bird's shoulder. "That's why I'm naming you, Falco, the inheritor of my estate and the new mascot of Katina Fried Chicken."

The avian's beak dropped open. "Sir, it's… it's… it's an honor! I am unworthy of such a blessing."

"Yes, you are, but you're the only other soul down this aisle. I—" But the Major flinched again, his breaths becoming shallower. "Before I die, I _need_ to tell you the secret list of ingredients that go into my chicken. The recipe has evolved over time, but I assure you it's just as tasty, sincere, and as healthy as it was the day I stumbled upon it. You must tell no one what it is made from! Not even if they torture you or threaten you with death! Are you ready? The secret ingredients are…"

The Major's voice fell to a whisper, and he cupped his mouth to Falco's ear, who leaned in breathlessly. When the dying mascot told him the final ingredient, Falco's eyes widened and he stumbled back in horror.

"You… you can't be serious?! Th-this is some sick joke, r-right? Ha-ha! Ha…"

But there was no hint of cheerfulness on the stoat's face.

* * *

By the afternoon Miyu and Fay's Nüde Juice had made a remarkable recovery. Since Star Wolf was no longer able to give their products away for free, the two were able to fairly compete again, which resulted in skyrocketing sales for the girls. But the war wasn't over yet, as Wolf's factory-made juice and clever marketing continued to steal a steady stream of customers.

Miyu held up a clipboard and tapped a pen against it. "Alright Fay, what flavors of Nüde Juice do we have so far?"

Fay rotated each of the pitchers around so she could read the labels. "Let's see, we've got ravishing grape, sensual strawberry, promiscuous pomegranate, lascivious lemon, and voluptuous melon."

"And what does the competition have?"

Fay produced a pair of binoculars and peered through them, making out the names of Star Wolf's juices whenever the sea of Aquans parted. "Orgy orange… banana blowjob… poppin' cherry… molested mango… and ***quat." She involuntarily cringed.

Miyu sighed. "I guess it's obvious we've both dropped the whole 'nude means healthy' façade and gone straight for the innuendos, huh?"

The spaniel flopped across the counter. "I never knew selling juice could be so hard! Whatever happened to selling lemonade in your driveway when you were a kid? Those were the days."

"Oh no kidding. Warm summer nights, not having to go to school, being friends with everyone in your neighborhood before they all moved away…" Her eyes narrowed suddenly. "Hey, we're losing 'em again. Did they come up with an especially dirty name or—?"

"No, that's not it," she answered while looking through the binoculars again. "It's still the same old types, just as raunchy as ever."

The lynx frowned as a determined look came over her face. "Alright then, it's time for a little corporate espionage. But first, I need a disguise…"

A plump, red-skinned, fatherly-looking Aquan trundled up to their stand. He wore a pair of khaki pants with suspenders, a white dress shirt soaked beneath the armpits and across his chest, and above his lip he sported a brown comb mustache. Wiping the sweat from his forehead, he slapped a blue Aquan bill on the counter. "One cup of promiscuous pomegranate please. Phewee it's hot…"

But Miyu slid the note back at him. "Gimme your mustache and I'll let you have it for free."

"Okay. AaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAR _GGGHH_!" Before their eyes he grabbed onto his mustache and slowly tore it off, then handed it to Miyu.

"Ah sweet, thank you!" The lynx passed him an extra cup of sensual strawberry before he waddled away, grasping a plastic container of juice in each hand. Looking at her distorted reflection in the side of a pitcher, Miyu rubbed coconut oil over her top lip and fixed the mustache to it. She sniffed and wiggled the set of whiskers back and forth, making sure they stayed in place. "I'll be back in a minute Fay. Wish me luck!"

"Be careful Miyu; those bullies can be awful crafty."

Miyu disappeared into the crowd of Aquans. For a moment Fay wrung her paws worriedly and tried to steal a glance into the throng, but to no avail. Finally however, Miyu returned with the prize; a fresh cup of molested mango, straight from the factory-made jug.

"It worked!" she cried while sitting back down beside Fay. She pulled off the mustache and handed it to the spaniel, then raised the cup to her mouth and drank.

" _Mmmm!"_ she moaned, eyebrows angling inwards in an expression of anger.

"What is it? What's wrong?!"

But the lynx held up a hand to let her finish, and she continued to down the rest of the cup in a single go. All the while Fay couldn't help but notice what a rage-filled—but satisfied—expression she wore.

"Ahhh!" she sighed, smacking her lips. "Fay this isss abhorrent. They're ssshpiking their punch!"

"What?! They can't do that! It's illegal!"

"Precisssely! But it's got all these Aquans going to _them_ instead of usss. And I won't stand for it!"

Growling, Miyu crumpled up the empty styrofoam cup and tossed it over the crowd's heads. It sailed right into Andrew's freakishly tall noggin and bounced to the side with a soft _plunk_. Immediately tears sprang to the primate's eyes and he fell on his tail, bawling at the sky.

Wolf rushed to his side. "Oh my god, Andrew baby, who did this to you?!"

Sniffing, he pointed over at the girls' juice stand, where they could see Miyu glaring at them and Fay looking on worriedly.

"Hey, that's not nice!" Wolf shouted. "Show Andrew a little respect!"

"I'll take care of her," Leon sneered, palming a cup of red fruit punch before hurling it across the sidewalk. Miyu's eyes widened and she ducked… only for the cup to sail right into Fay's face, splashing the red liquid all over her fur and soaking it pink.

Miyu looked at her with horror in her eyes. "Fay, are you alright?!"

But an uncharacteristic coldness had washed over Fay. "Normally I'm against violence, but in this case…" She lobbed a rotten orange at Star Wolf's stand. "…I'll make an exception!"

One of the Aquans in the crowd suddenly began chanting, "JUICE FIGHT! JUICE FIGHT! JUICE FIGHT!" before the refrain gained traction and spread like wildfire among the other customers.

"Oh it's on!" Wolf snarled. While Fay and Miyu continued pelting them with crate-fulls of fruit, Star Wolf returned fire by filling up cups of juice and hurling them like Molotov cocktails right back at them.

Another Aquan screamed " _JUICE WAAAAAR!"_ before grabbing one of the girls' drinks and charging through the crowd at Star Wolf's stand. It was the leak that burst the dam. The swathe of Aquan customers were evenly divided down the middle. They armed themselves with fruits, cups, pitchers, and jugs of juice before charging one another like medieval lines of soldiers. Before long, multicolored splashes of juice shot up in the air, and fruit flew in every direction, staining the glass windows of Mom's Organic Market as well as the sidewalk beneath their feet. But the girls' loyal customers had the upper hand; they had an entire supply of fruit to throw, while Star Wolf's troops only had factory-made juice to fling—plus they were wasted from the amount of alcohol they had unwittingly consumed and fought like the drunken sailors they were.

In no time they pushed them back to Star Wolf's juice stand, and the girls were able to attack. Miyu chased after Wolf with a pitcher full of orange juice—the absolute stickiest flavor she could think of. Wolf met her with his own pitcher of cherry juice which contained enough Red 40 to give a blue whale cancer—and to a lesser extent, dye her patterned coat completely red. They faced off against each other in a clear space on the sidewalk; both sides of Aquans made room and egged the pair of combatants on, cheering for their favorite one. The two began circling each other warily, pitchers at the ready.

"I warn you Wolf, this juice is sticky! If it lands on you, you won't be able to pry your fingers apart for weeks!"

Wolf rolled his head, cracking his neck muscles. "Oh yeah? If you don't want to end up looking ten times redder than Katt, I suggest you back off now while you're ahead."

"Not a chance furbag!" In a flash Miyu shot after Wolf, tossing a portion of the juice at him. It only succeeded in covering the Aquans behind him, as Wolf had sidestepped faster than Miyu could follow. The lupine spun around in a circle, flinging his red-dyed juice in every direction at once—but Miyu used her forward momentum to drop low to the ground and evade the ever-expanding wave. When Wolf stopped spinning he found a cascade of orange flying towards him, forcing him to raise his own pitcher to block the attack.

"Come here you little minx!" he growled, lowering his pitcher and drawing it back to launch at her, but was shocked to find Miyu had vanished while he hid behind it. He glanced around. "Wh-where'd she go?!"

In answer, Miyu came from behind to dump the entire pitcher of orange juice over him. Laughing victoriously, she left the container itself to rest like a lampshade over his head. Then she sprang away as Wolf fell to his knees in defeat, dropping his own pitcher and staining the sidewalk cherry red. "No… I've… been… _juiced!_ "

Hidden in the crowd, Leon watched in horror as Wolf went down. "Well this is bad," he said to himself. He turned to leave but didn't look to see where he was going. Someone tripped him, and he sprawled on his hands and knees, scraping them on the sidewalk. Cursing with his slithery tongue, he rolled onto his back and looked up, only to find Fay staring down at him with a fierce expression.

He held up his claws in a placating fashion. "Now-now Fay, th-this isn't like you! Remember to be ladylike and beha-OOF!"

Fay sat down on the lizard, pinning him to the ground. Before he could recover from having the wind knocked out of him, she used two of her fingers to stretch his eyelids open while simultaneously upending a pitcher of limeade into his eye sockets.

Leon let loose an ear-grating scream heard clear on the other end of the island. When all the limeade had been emptied, Fay quit straddling him so he could roll around the sidewalk in pain, rubbing at his burning eyes.

For a second the entire battlefield froze long enough for the combatants to notice the automatic doors sliding open. A squad of jumpsuit-clad factory workers emerged carrying Falco between them. A crazed look possessed his face, and he jerked and thrashed about wildly.

"DON'T EAT KATINA FRIED CHICKEN!" he squawked at the top of his lungs. "KFC HAS MSG! THERE'S MSG IN THE CHIKEEEEEEN!"

By the time he was unceremoniously dropped further down the road, the Aquans had completely worn themselves out on the battlefield. The entire sidewalk was stained different colors and smelled like the produce section of a supermarket. Fay and Miyu sat back-to-back, still clutching empty juice pitchers and breathing heavily, but there was no one else left to douse. The battle had been won… but at what cost?

From behind the grocery store emerged Fox, Katt, Slippy, and Kaptain Kursed, who once again wore her slave outfit while holding the pirate clothes from the photo shoot over an arm. Behind them a tow truck struggled to pull the dwarf-sized pirate ship after it.

Fox stepped over the bodies of sticky Aquans to get to Miyu and Fay. "Good news! We don't have to worry about raising money for a ship! Through crafty bargaining, I have already acquired one!"

But when Miyu and Fay looked up at him, resentment burned in their eyes.

"Are you… kidding… me…" the lynx gasped between breaths. "We spent… all day… selling juice. We even got into a battle… to raise money… for that stupid ship. And you mean to tell me you already _GOT ONE?!"_

Fox recoiled back. "Well yeah, aren't you happy? We can finally get off this island! We also don't have to break our backs finishing our own-ACK!"

A pitcher crashed into his muzzle, silencing him with a face-full of voluptuous melon.

* * *

.🍗.

* * *

 _A/N_ _: Credit to Wolfrider for the idea of Kaptain Kursed selling cereal!_

 _This wraps up Grocery Run. No idea when I'll write the next episode, but look forward to the team finally getting off this dumb island when I finally do…_


	11. The Return of Sea Wolf P1

_Episode 5: The Return of Sea Wolf (Part 1)_

* * *

.🐺.

* * *

Several days after the Incident at the Organic Market, the KFC Factory Fiasco, and the Great Juice War of Frappé Island, Fox stepped from his cabin to survey the treehouse's living room. What he saw did not impress him: the rest of his crew lay sprawled about the place like lethargic sea cucumbers. Slippy sat fanning his rotund girth with a palm leaf, Miyu hunched over the coffee table drawing on something with crayons, Katt slouched so low in her chair only her head really remained on the seat, and Fay cut paper dolls from a newspaper while Falco was nowhere to be seen.

In fact, the only active one of the bunch was Kursed. The princess-turned-pirate-captain-turned-personal-slave worked tirelessly in the kitchen; the chains binding her wrists clinked as she washed the dishes from breakfast. After some quarreling the girls had convinced Fox to let Kursed out of his dingy closet, though they still agreed she should pay for her offenses by waiting on them paw-and-hind-paw.

Fox crossed his arms and _tsk_ -ed _,_ staring at each one of the loafers in turn _._ "Pathetic. Just pathetic."

"Well, what are we s'pposed to do?" Katt mumbled, apathy slurring her words.

"I dunno. Make use of yourselves somehow? Enjoy the fine weather, beautiful beaches, gentle waves? Not too long ago at the Academy you all were complaining about how much work you had to do and how there was no time for fun. But now that you have _all_ the time in the world, what do you do? _Nothin'._ You lie around all day, cutting paper figures and scribbling-" He peered at the sheet of paper Miyu was writing on. "Is that a kid's menu from Got Crabs?"

Miyu shushed him with a dismissive wave. "Shh! I'm thinking. I need an 8-letter word for 'merry-go-round'…"

Chains clinking, Kursed shuffled past Fox to clear more dishes from the coffee table. When Miyu saw her taking her plate she looked up. "Oh! Hey Kursed, how do you spell 'carousel'?"

The vixen paused to shift the stack of plates and glasses between her hands. "Hmm, try k-a-r-o-u-s-e-l."

Miyu repeated the letters under her breath as she jotted them down. "K-a-r—Wait, f*ck!"

"I'm surprised she even knows Cornerian spelling," Slippy commented.

"Oh yes, Cerinian royalty are very literate."

Miyu angrily pointed her crayon at Kursed. "You know who else spells their name with all K's?!"

Fox sighed in disappointment. "I feel my point is proven."

"Hey, what's that on your face?" Katt asked, suddenly noticing the black eyepatch over Fox's left eye.

"Huh? What's what?"

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Are you wearing Kursed's eyepatch now?"

Fox scuffed his foot against the floor. "Oh, _that_. I woke up with pinkeye this morning, so I asked Kursed to lend me her patch since she doesn't really need it. Believe me, you don't want to see what it looks like under here."

Katt scratched her chin suspiciously. "Interesting… I wonder how you got pinkeye…"

The vulpine frowned. "A good question. I have been the epitome of hygiene lately."

Meanwhile Slippy's snickering went unnoticed. The frog, who shared a room with Fox, looked around the room to share a knowing wink with Falco, but the blue avian was strangely absent.

"Hey, where's Falco?" he asked. "I haven't seen him all morning."

As if on cue the toilet on the other side of the house flushed. Falco emerged holding a bizarre foreign musical instrument that resembled a box-shaped guitar or violin; the empty bathroom behind him was packed with an orchestra of similar exotic instruments.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that—after hours of strenuous labor—I have discovered the elusive brown note."

With a _thud_ Katt slipped all the way out of her chair and had to climb back into it. "Ha! I'm sure that's the _real_ reason you spent hours locked in the bathroom. Come on Falco, you can come up with a better alibi to cover up the fact you've been playing with your flute all morning. Bull-shhh—"

With a tired expression, Falco strummed a low-tuned string on the instrument, resulting in a bassy, rubber-band-like noise. Katt's face twisted in horror and she shot up from her seat, sprinting across the living room to the bathroom and slamming the door behind her.

"Anyone else?" the avian challenged, confidently staring down the onlookers.

Slippy raised a webbed hand. "Just a question; why wasn't anyone else effected?"

"Ah, I'm glad you asked, my musically-illiterate, tone-deaf friend! It's because at this pitch the frequency of the sound wave is so low that you are actually standing at the top or bottom of the crest—just by being in a different place!"

Everyone paused what they were fiddling with and looked at Falco in horror.

Fox swallowed. "You mean if I stood an inch to the left I would've, shall we say, composed a movement of my own?"

Falco stared back with a straight face. "Yeah. Yeah, that's… what would've happened."

The living room's occupants continued to look at Falco with disapproval. He threw his wings up in the air. "Hey, at least _I_ was productive today!"

Before Fox could express his further disappointment, Kursed accidentally bumped into him and lost her grip on a bowl of milk. The cold liquid splashed over his feet and the floor, covering them in a mix of muddy purple food-dye that had once started out as separate colors but eventually fused into the same Cronenberg shade.

"Oh! I'm so sorry!" the pirate queen hurried to the kitchen and returned with a roll of paper towels, dropping to her hands and knees where she began sopping up the milk.

Fox froze in place, holding his arms out to balance himself. "Oh, it's okay! It happens—"

"Oh master," Kursed whimpered, "I beg thee for forgiveness! Please, don't whip me for my mistake!"

The todd grimaced. _"Whip?_ Uh, I don't think it'll have to come to that…"

"Really?" She stood up and grabbed a half-empty coffee pot. "What if I spilled _this_ on your lap?"

Fox shook his head. "Nnnnno, not even if you spilled—GEEZE!" He had to jump to the side to avoid a dangerously-hot splash of coffee on his shorts. "Alright, stop it, stop it! And that goes for all of you, too! No more lazing around, no more brown notes, and no more slave play! I've had it!"

He wiped a hand across his exasperated face. "Look, I think the whole 'vacation on a tropical island' thing has just about worn out its welcome. We've been on Frappé Island for a month now (that's over a year in IRL time) and the farthest we've gotten from the treehouse is an incel cave and a goddamn grocery store. I don't know about you, but I can feel the cabin fever and depressive malaise beginning to set in. I need off this god-forsaken island before I stab Miyu through the eyeball with that crayon. In other words, my dear teammates, _it's time."_

Fay dropped her paper dolls. "It's time?"

"It's time?!" Slippy echoed louder.

"Did he just say it's time?!" Miyu finished.

Falco flung his instrument aside. "Alright everyone, like we practiced!"

To Fox's astonishment, the group shot to their feet and unleashed a full song and dance routine—even Kursed joined in, and the bathroom door shot open to release a cartwheeling-Katt. Landing upright she sang,

 _We didn't have a lot of fun on vacation,  
We didn't have a lot of fun in our tree._

[Falco]  
 _But rev up your boat,_

[Slippy]  
 _And make sure it can float!_

[All] _  
Because we're going to the Sapphire Sea!_

Falco dropped to his knees and adopted a tragic Shakespearian pose.

 _For years I ate nothing but bananas,_

"Years?" Fox cut in. "We've only been here for—"

 _The potassium didn't sit well with me._

[Katt]  
 _But now we're on our way_

[Miyu]  
 _Let's all forget to bring Fay!_

[Fay]  
 _H-hey—!_

[All minus Fay]  
 _Because we're going to the Sapphire Sea!_

 _And in the Sapphire Sea  
We'll have a sailing spree  
By the time we left Frappé we thought we'd be 63  
Will we be too late  
To the Dimensional Gate?  
Better hurry to the Sapphire Sea._

Slippy stepped into the spotlight to emit a soprano high enough to break computer and phone screens alike.

 _I always knew that I had it in me;  
To sing most beautifully, and on-key!_

[Kursed] _  
I'm on a cereal box!_

[Katt]  
 _And I like bird c—ks!_

[All]  
 _And now we're going to the Sapphire Sea!_

"Just the girls now!" Falco directed.

 _And in the Sapphire Sea  
We'll let our tops go free!  
Drink martinis, ditch bikinis, contract STDs!  
It'll be so hot  
With four furry thots  
'Cause we're going to the Sapphire Sea!_

Katt frowned. "Why did we ever agree to sing that part—"

But Kursed leapt onto the railing and swung herself alluringly around one of the support polls.

 _With Fox the view-kount stagnated,  
But blew up with me in a slavekini._

[Slippy]  
 _Debating OTPs  
Split our Community!_

[All] _  
So what! We're going to the Sapphire Sea!_

 _And in the Sapphire Sea  
The story's less shit-y  
'Cause Elarix just gets his kicks from taking LSD  
Though jokes are all he's got  
Maybe he'll write a plot  
Now that we're going to the Sapphire Sea._

 _And in the Sapphire Sea_ _ **,**_ _I think we'll all agree,  
That he's a tard and rhyming's hard __so here just have an_ _ **E!**_ _  
He hasn't had to make  
A song since Yellow Lake  
But now we're going to the Sapphire Sea._

The lighting in the treehouse dimmed, revealing Miyu playing away on Falco's odd instrument.

 _I hear it's floooooowiiiiiiiiing, with dimensional dooooo-oooors—_

[Fay]  
 _Sounds trippy!_

[All]  
 _Because we're going to the Sapphire Sea  
Yeah we're going to the Sapphire Sea  
Yeah we're going to the Sapphire Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea!"_

While holding the last note they all grouped up and lifted their arms to the ceiling with a flourish. They froze in place, waiting for Fox's reaction. In response he treated them to a long, drawn-out clap.

"Feelin' a light-to-decent-four on that one," he concluded.

Falco glowered at Fox. "Hey, it was either that or "Cabin Fever" from the Muppets."

Fay jumped between them and looked at Fox excitedly. "So, when are we off?!" she asked.

"We'll leave the island as soon as possible!" Fox proclaimed. "… _Tomorrow_."

[All]  
 _WHAT?!_

Fox nearly fell over backwards but caught himself. "Hey, we can't just up and leave like that! There are so many preparations we have to make first. You're talking about leaving our home behind and undertaking a months-long voyage across the open sea. We have to pack all of our belongings, we have to sail the Krispy Krunch ship over from Frappé docks, we have to sell the treehouse to someone, we have to figure out where the treasure is supposed to be—"

But by the time he looked back, everyone had returned to lying around the treehouse, resuming their various bored activities.

Fox released a long sigh. "Alright, tell me _your_ brilliant plans. Go on."

Fay snapped her fingers. "I've got it! We can build a time machine, go back in time, copy all the old hits from decades ago and release them today! We'll make millions!"

Katt gave her a funny look. "If we just copied them and returned to the present, wouldn't the old ones still be around today?"

"Sounds like what Weezer is doing," Falco commented, absently plucking strings on his instrument. "God I came up with this joke too long ago…"

"Nah," Slippy corrected, "it's more like _Bioshock: Infinite_ , just in reverse."

Fay shushed them. _"You can't go referencing things like that! Have you forgotten about the Pun Police?!"_

Falco waved her off. "Aw they pulled out of here days ago. They were mostly after that rival fried chicken CEO. We're cool. Plus I'd shrivel up and die if I could never make pop-culture references again."

"It may work," Miyu admitted, "if we caught the artists _before_ they released their hits, killed them, and _then_ returned with the gold."

"Yeah, and we'd start with Blink-182," Falco added, rubbing his wings together.

Miyu gave him a funny look. "Blink-182? They didn't have any super popular hits. Why would we kill them and steal their songs?"

"Oh I don't want to take their songs, I just meant we'd go back in time and kill them. I hate their stuff."

"If we had a time machine," Fox reasoned, "wouldn't it be better to stop ourselves from ever going on this vacation in the first place?"

"Oh we'd have to go back farther than that," Katt returned. "Far enough to smother you in the crib."

"Okay, OW."

Once Kursed finished doing the dishes she grabbed a giant fan leaf similar to Slippy's and began waving it at Fox, who looked uncomfortable as a result.

"Oh, uh… thanks."

Slippy cracked his knuckles. "Why not rent out all the advertising billboards across the island, replace the owner's phone number with our own, then rent them out to _other_ advertisers at an even higher price? We're guaranteed a profit!"

Fox considered it for a moment. "I don't think it's _technically_ illegal…"

"Ooh, ooh!" Fay interjected. "How about we throw a going-away party!"

"For _ourselves?"_ Miyu asked.

"Yeah! Invite everyone on Frappé to hang out with us! It would be our way of saying farewell to the neighbors and the island. We haven't had a proper beach party since we came here. It's criminal!"

"And we can advertise the party on all the billboards!" Slippy attempted to jump in.

A smile worked its way onto Katt's face. "You know, that's the first good idea you've had all vacation, Fay. It's been kinda boring staring at all your same ugly mugs the past few weeks. Might even put us in a better mood to pack."

Fox placed his hands on his hips. "I fail to see how this progresses the pl-" But he cut himself off when he noticed the mixture of death glares and puppy-dog stares aimed at him wherever he looked. He crossed his arms. "So, it's mutiny, then?"

"If you don't want to find your swimsuit loaded with baby crabs, you'll cooperate," Katt threatened while slashing a claw in front of her neck. "Now, can we handle throwing a sizable party?"

Fox performed some quick maths in his head. "Well, with the cereal box licensing fee, and the killing Miyu and Fay made selling juice—no pun intended—I'd say we have more than enough. It's just… I've never had to plan a party this large. It's a miracle I even managed to secure six tickets to Aquas in the first place."

"Good to know we were _that_ close to avoiding this catastrophe," Slippy said while grabbing his cellphone. "I'll go ahead and rent the billboards."

Kursed held off on fanning Fox for a second, instead clearing her throat. "Might I be of service? As a princess I helped my mother plan royal celebrations: feast days, weddings, victory parades—thou namest it. I've had much experience."

Katt snapped her fingers. "You're hired."

Fox sat up in his chair. "But—!"

The feline held out her hand. "The _key,_ Fox."

"Ohhhh, this is such a slippery slope…" Fox reached into his pocket and produced the key to Kursed's manacles. She presented him with her cuffs and Fox fiddled with the key in the lock for a moment. Then with a _clink_ the chain came free and dropped to the floor, the vixen gratefully rubbing her wrists. "You're free to move about the lagoon as you please, but you're still our prisoner," Fox warned.

The others brought Kursed into the center of the room and huddled around her, while Fox sat down and crossed his arms, pouting as the others left him out.

"Alright Kursed, give us some ideas!" Fay prompted. "What was partying like for high-class Cerinian society?"

"Yeah, got any ideas for us?" Katt added.

Kursed glanced back and forth between the others, stunned to be surrounded by so many friendly faces when before they had treated her with disdain. It was difficult for her to accept that they were on the same team now.

"W-well, my royal father and his warriors always rode out before the feasting day to slay a wild beast and bring it back—"

Falco bumped fists with Slippy. "Fast food catering: got it!"

"Our cellar should overflow with hardy mead and sweet ales to quench our thirst—"

Miyu exchanged a glance with Fay, their faces contorting in pain. "One party's worth of tropical drinks, coming up!" she exclaimed with fake enthusiasm, though the cat's tone clearly revealed the last thing she wanted to do was squeeze more fruit juice all morning.

"Then for entertainment we summoned magicians and fire-wielders, held tournaments for the warriors, beheaded kriminals, and kidnapped dancing girls from the town brothel—"

Falco rubbed his wings together. "Oooooh! I like the sound of that."

Katt batted him over the head with her paw. "And I like the sound of your silence."

Fay began biting her nails. "I don't know about this. Some of that stuff seems… _iffy._ Are you sure we can trust Kursed with the job?"

"Of course we can!" Katt defended. "I know she has her peculiarities and quirks, and her thinking may be somewhat backwards and outdated, but it was a different time back then. You can't judge primitive societies too harshly; they didn't know better. Just give her another chance, will ya? She has more experience than any of us, and I for one am willing to trust her judgement. Sorry for the interruption, Kursed girl. Please continue."

"Next kame the great orgy…"

Katt immediately facepalmed.

* * *

Within the next hour preparations for the party were well underway, with Katt vetoing anything Kursed suggested that was a little too… barbaric. Everyone got into the swing of things by assuming their respective roles, though many on the team were less than thrilled about theirs—perhaps Fox most of all. Kursed swiftly assumed her place as leader of the preparations, going from slave to slave-driver so fast it made Fox's bell-shaped head spin. Now the young todd found himself waiting on _Kursed_ hand and foot. At the moment the vixen sat comfortably on a raised chair at the base of the treehouse, just inside the shadow it cast to shield her from the blazing sun. From her veritable throne she barked out orders to the rest of the team, all while enjoying the luxury of her newfound position.

Fox meanwhile stood behind the pampered princess, waving a broad leaf to fan cool air her way. Inwardly he fumed at their unfortunate reversal of roles, but outwardly he put on a show of subservience to placate Kursed—and ultimately Katt—who insisted on everyone getting along and following the vixen's leadership for the sake of the party. Meanwhile he daydreamed of tearing up the massive leaf and force-feeding it to the spoiled captain he was fanning.

Kursed snapped her fingers, ripping Fox from his violent fantasies. "Grapes," she curtly ordered.

Fox lowered the leaf and lifted a bunch of purple grapes by the stem, lowering them directly into Kursed's waiting mouth.

"The fan, don't forget the fan," she nagged.

He jumped to resume waving the branch at the same time as he fed her, feeling like a one man band at this point. Kursed nipped several grapes from the rest of the bunch and waved the rest away. From the sound of her munching they were quite juicy, and there was nothing more Fox wanted on that hot day than to sneak a few himself—besides the aforementioned introduction of Kursed to a vegan diet with his leaf, of course. Instead he dedicated his full attention back to fanning her.

"Whew, faster, faster!" Kursed murmured, droplets of sweat forming on her bare fur. Fox whipped up a veritable gale force of wind to satisfy her, though his arms felt like they'd give out.

Momentarily Kursed noticed Falco descending the ladder from the treehouse, with Slippy not far behind. She waved the bird over. "Kome hither, o blue-feathered kockatiel with kannibalistic tendencies. What sort of game does this wild island have to offer?"

Falco's eyebrow raised at the title she chose to bestow upon him, but he cleared his throat and flipped through a tourist booklet he had dog-eared. "Well Kursed baby, we got a few options. If we wanted to go the cheap n' dirty route, KFC is always available."

Kursed waved her hand. "The food of peasants. What else?"

"Uh, ouch. The second option is Dirty Dillinger's Steakhouse and Strip Club! As they say in the ad, 'You can have your meat—and beat it too!'"

The pirate queen considered for a moment. "Interesting. I've never eaten a house made of steak before. Would they build it here?"

Falco scratched his head feathers and scanned the rest of the ad. "Nnnnno, they only cater the performers, apparently."

"Well, seeing as how we kan't eat strips of klubs no matter how thinly you slice them, skip it."

The avian sighed and flipped to the last page. "There's always Got Crabs?"

Kursed nodded. "Mmm! Not bad. Order a suitable amount for our guests, sparing no expenses. Oh, and see if they have any live cephalopods!"

"Yes ma'am!" Falco was oblivious to the look of horror on Fox's face before he left. When Falco exited, Slippy stepped forward and saluted.

"Oh, yes, the green goblin servant of my former master. Didst thou rent the billboards?"

Slippy's shoulders slumped. "Apparently I wasn't the first to come up with that little scheme. Turns out _five_ other companies rented and _re_ -rented all the billboards for higher and higher prices to each other, so I couldn't afford any. No extra funds on that venture. But I did put up flyers around the town, and I think we can expect a sizable turnout."

Kursed admired her claws absently. "Well, if that doesn't work, we kan always raid the village and bring back our own guests."

The frog's eyes popped. "I hope it doesn't come to _that…"_

"Alright, dismissed goblin," the vixen waved him away. While Slippy left to join Falco, Kursed yawned and stretched in her seat. "Aye, all of this planning has got my joints stiff. What say you give me that massage now?"

"Yes, my Queen," Fox forced through his teeth. _Oh how our positions have changed YET AGAIN…_

The pirate rose up from her seat and walked over to a raised table further down the shore, outside the shadow of the tree where her sapphire fur could soak up the beams of the sun. She climbed onto the table and stretched out on her stomach. Her tail swished impatiently while she waited for Fox to begin.

Now that her face was pointed away from him, Fox made no effort to put on a fake smile. Normally he would do anything for the chance to get hands-on with the shapely vixen—just not under the present circumstances. He was still too busy fuming about her usurpation of his role.

Sucking in his pride, Fox squeezed a dollop of massage oil onto his paws before spreading it across Kursed's shoulders. She tensed up at the cold liquid, but then relaxed her shoulder blades the more Fox spread the oil around and worked it into her fur and skin. Wrinkling his nose, Fox began rubbing his hands up and down her back, forcefully kneading out any knots he found. At first he recoiled at having to massage her, but then realized he had nothing to complain about. Future Fox from next chapter would positively kick him in the shins if he didn't capitalize off the moment; an opportunity like this might never arise again.

Deciding to make the most of it and enjoy the massage as much as Kursed did, Fox applied himself to the task fully. His fingers began to wander on their own, like a company of ten explorers mapping out a vast untamed continent. You know the kind—the sort of posh, blustery British explorers from the 19th Century that all wear pith helmets and shorts that expose their knobby knees and monocles and feather-duster mustaches who can't stop saying "Eh, what-what?" and otherwise talking like Nigel Thornberry, the old champ. As the seconds passed Fox explored more and more of her furry wilderness; scaling mountains, descending valleys, crossing plains… His fingers descended lower and lower down her back as Kursed uncharacteristically giggled. He was just about to take the leap to the hilly southern territory when—

"Progress update, Captain!" Fay's voice exclaimed from behind him.

Fox jumped a foot in the air and removed his hands from Kursed's tail. Hurriedly he resumed massaging the vixen's shoulders, looking over his own to see Fay standing at attention a few feet behind him, her heels knocked together while saluting Kursed. Miyu stood to her side, though she just rolled her eyes at how seriously Fay took things.

Kursed turned her head around to look at them, but didn't bother getting up. "Ah, the oddly-masculine kat with the overly-large earring, and the timid kanine whose blank fur matches her mind. What do you have to report?"

Miyu glanced at Fay, but the spaniel didn't understand enough to be insulted. "We're just checking in like you asked. Making good progress on the juice, though it is repetitive work."

"Hmm, I understand. Would fermented beverages help liven the process up?"

Fay looked reluctant. "Oh, I don't know; alcohol might seriously effect my work output."

But Miyu elbowed her in the ribs. "No stupid; she means in the _juice_. I think that's a pretty good idea Kursed! We'll get back to work right away."

Before they left Katt showed up to report as well. Kursed gestured her over, exclaiming, "Well-well, the feline with the blinding fur dye and fiery disposition to match! Excellent timing. How goes the decorating?"

Katt placed her hands on her hips and shook her head disapprovingly. "Girl you need to learn our names. Ahem, I've strung up paper lanterns and floral garlands around the treehouse, but there's a lot more to do—we need heavy lifting for the picnic tables, the spa tub, and the volleyball net."

"Where are we even getting all this junk from?" Fox asked.

"Oh, Elarix is in a room upstairs pulling it all out of his ass," Katt said dismissively. "But that's beside the point. At this rate I don't think I'll have everything ready in time, and regardless I'll be too pooped afterwards to enjoy the party."

"Hmm, yes, that is a predicament," Kursed agreed. She pointed to Fay who snapped to attention again. "You, timid-kanine-whose-fur-is-as-blank-as-her-mind: I'm taking you off juice duty and assigning you to the décor team. Understood?"

Fay jumped up and down and clapped her hands excitedly. "Awesome, I love decorating! Let's go, Katt!"

Miyu cringed. "Guess I'll have to squeeze the rest of the juice myself. Okay then…"

"Splendid. Now, I need some quality alone time with my man-servant—er, I need to de-stress! You are all dismissed."

The Star Fox team went their separate ways, hurrying along to complete their individual tasks—and finally leaving the two vulpines alone again. For the moment it was quiet, with the wind gently brushing through the palm leaves, and the waves lapping over the shore. Kursed sighed and settled back into the table, trying to loosen up again.

"Now my humble servant, where were we? Ah yes, you were exploring the rolling hills of the south."

Fox nearly choked. "You _heard_ all that?!"

The pirate captain chuckled. "Of kourse! The thoughts of low-level lifeforms such as yourself are easy to read. But please, resume our session. I have a feeling we were just getting started…"

First Fox looked around to make sure they wouldn't be interrupted again. When he didn't spot anyone, he cracked his knuckles, wiggled his fingers, and began massaging his way down Kursed's back again, eagerly closing in on his target. _Almost there—!_

Before he could stake a claim in the captain's hills a large shadow fell over the beach. Fox absently glanced up, expecting to see a cloud passing over the sun, but instead discovering a slightly-larger setback.

Kursed raised her head and kicked her legs impatiently. "What? Why dost thou hesitate? _Seize the booty!"_

"Look!" he ordered. For there, pulling into the lagoon, sailed an imposing pirate ship as large as the _Cerenity._ It was massive and cruel-looking, with pitch-blackened wood, gray-colored sails, copious amounts of iron spikes jutting from every angle, and purple-painted highlights. A carving of a wolf head protruded from the prow, held aloft by a series of ropes and winches. If the ship needed to ram another unfortunate vessel, the prow would be released to crash down on the victim, the teeth of the weighty head penetrating the deck of the other ship and locking it in place. The final touch on the ship was the blood-red wolf's head emblazoned on the billowing sails. As if that wasn't enough of a give-away, painted letters on the keel spelled out ' _The Sea Wolf.'_

"ALL HANDS ON DEEEEECK!" Fox screeched, diving for cover beneath the massage table.

The others heard his warning—or, you know, turned around and saw the giant friggin' pirate ship sailing into the lagoon. They all rushed back to the treehouse, taking up defensive positions and grabbing makeshift weapons while peeking from behind cover.

Kursed looked around worriedly for Fox. "Wait, where didst thou go?! Fox?! Fox! Don't leave me here!"

 _The Sea Wolf_ sailed right up to the treehouse—just as _The Cerenity_ had done before—and dropped anchor. Three figures emerged on the deck, but they had to weave their way carefully through the forest of spikes to even get to the rail. They were none-other than Wolf O'Donnell, Leon Powalski, and the newly christened 'Panther Caroso'—because no one could be bothered to remember his entire name. Each was spiffily-dressed in full pirate getup—and they weren't just any Party Town Halloween costumes or do-it-yourself Low Cost Cosplay ripoffs, either:

Wolf wore a black bicorn hat and admiral's coat; the hat angled to the side with a jolly roger stitched in white, the coat with flashy silver buttons and red trimming opened to his fluffy chest. His signature eyepatch already fit the costume perfectly.

Leon was dressed in a maroon turban with a litham veil over his mouth, as well as a long vest with gold trimming, poofy harem pants, and curled-toe shoes. All-in-all he gave off the appearance of a 17th century assassin. He'd appear quite intimidating if his eyes didn't keep looking in opposite directions.

Panther for the most part wore his previous attire; a black, wide-brimmed Cordovan hat, a fluffy white tunic, and his showy cape, while Wolf had made him put on an actual pair of pants as opposed to his form-fitting tights.

"HA-HAAA! ARRRRR!" Wolf growled over the side of the ship. "We're back, Fox! And this time we fit the theme of the story! Check us out!"

Together the three pirates struck a variety of poses for their cowering audience, brandishing their weapons, baring their teeth, and flashing fearsome expressions.

Fox slapped a hand over his face. "Oh no, it's _Star Wolf…_ "

Upon hearing his dismay Wolf laughed. "Haha! So it's true that we are your worst nightmare!"

The vulpine cringed. "Well, maybe in the same way I dream of going to Academy classes without my pants on…"

The massage table shook as Kursed rolled off it, then a _thud_ in the sand beside Fox signaled she'd dropped down. The vixen hunkered under the table with him, clutching her brazier to her chest and peeking up at their opponents.

"Wait, thou knowest yon kreeps?"

Fox nodded, visibly in pain. "Unfortunately. Those two up there are Wolf and Leon, and Andrew should be somewhere close by. I'm sure you're already acquainted with Panther… I'm just surprised they managed to follow us here from Papetoon."

Miyu and Fay defensively crouched behind their juicing station. "Sorry we didn't tell you about them sooner," the lynx apologized. "We ran into them last episode and got into a huge fight."

Fox sighed. "That's alright, I know it's been awhile."

"What did we even _do_ last chapter? Katt asked. "'Cause I completely forget."

"Heh, I don't even remember what happened a few paragraphs up," Slippy admitted.

"Yeah, what are we all doing here again?" Fay asked.

Falco pointed at the spaniel and screamed. "AH! Who are you?!"

Ignoring the others Kursed said, "I don't understand; what is the source of the konflict between you? It must be of kolossal proportions for yon pirate lord to follow you here."

Fox shrugged. "I think Wolf was always jealous of my two eyes, among other things. We both attend the same flight academy together; it's like school but for pilots. I had a reputation for being the best-skilled in the class—in the simulators _and_ on the tests, but Wolf hated anything that required him to grip a pencil rather than a control stick. He always called me a 'goodie-two-eyes' for studying for tests while he flunked every one. It got so bad that literally anything I did, he had to do it better than me: pushups, track, cleaning detail, KP duty—even had to comb his hair better than me. But especially Wolf was my biggest rival in the cockpit."

"Interesting…" Kursed suddenly appeared _very_ absorbed with their backstory. "What is this 'pit of kocks' thou speakest of, and how often dost thou kompete with yon hunk?"

Fox frowned. "Oh don't get your hopes up. What I just want to know is…" he placed a hand to his mouth and called out, "Hey Wolf, how'd ya even find us here?"

Wolf's eye lit up and he craned his head to catch a glimpse of Fox, though he still couldn't find him beneath the table. He barked out his answer across the lagoon. "We heard you were going to Aquas for spring vacation, so we decided to have an even _better_ vacation—starting with ruining yours, of course!"

The vulpine crossed his arms, though he still hid under the table. "I knew you'd get bored without us at the Academy. Where's Andrew? He can't be too far behind."

"Andrew? Oh he's here, but we had to figure out a way to put his nostrils to good use."

At that moment the wind picked up, brushing aside the sails of the _Sea Wolf_ to reveal a defiant Andrew Oikonny tied halfway up the rearmost mast. He sneered at them, then released a storm-like gust of powerful wind. "Your priiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimitive methods of propulsion are infeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerior to my eeeeeeeeeeeeeelongated vooooooweeeeeeeeels!"

Andrew's voice billowed out the ship's sails, causing the vessel to pitch and rock forward. Wolf, Leon, and Panther nearly lost their balance and had to steady themselves on the railing.

"Good thing we weighed anchor," Leon said, "or that squall would've blown us ashore—straight through your pathetic kiddies' treehouse!"

Falco gestured at the pirates' setup in indignation. "Wha-? Buh… _how?_ He can't propel the ship if he's literally part of it. _"_

Wolf rolled his eyes. "I didn't take physics at the Academy for nothin'!"

Miyu stood and incredulously gawked at the boat. "Since when did you have an entire pirate ship?"

"Since when did you have an official release?" Leon shot back.

Finally Fox worked up the courage to stand. Unfortunately he should've worked up the courage two feet to his left so as not to bang his head on the underside of the massage table. Rubbing the growing bump, he crawled out and rose to his feet, swaying a bit. "Alright Wolf, you made your little cameo, you showed off how big your ship is, now you can take that showy thing and sail it right back out of our lagoon! You're… you're blocking the sun!"

But when Wolf finally laid his eye on Fox he was stunned. He gasped and drew back defensively.

Fox looked up at him in confusion. "What? What is it?"

The lupine extended a shaky finger and pointed down at Fox. "C-c-c- _copy cat!"_ he screeched.

Fox looked cross-eyed, then realized Wolf was referencing his eyepatch when he noticed half his own eyesight was missing. "Oh, no Wolf; you've got the wrong idea! This is just-"

"How _dare_ you steal my only defining character trait! The only thing that truly sets me apart from you! Oh, _I_ know what this is; you're just trying to show me how it feels like when someone else copies everything you do! Well I'm _not_ a copy! I'll show you. I swear by all the gods of the seven seas, I'll show you!"

A muffled _thump_ sounded to Fox's right, and the massage table shook. Kursed momentarily emerged, rubbing her head. She looked rather dazed, but when she recovered she yelled, "Lowly sea ruffians: art thou here to steal the key to the dimensional door beforest us?"

Wolf and Leon looked at each other questioningly before glancing back. "What?"

Kursed sighed and yelled slower the second time. "Speaketh thou the truth; art thou here to find Dildo Rock, which resteth on yon shore not more than fourscore leagues to the occident of our abode with the intent to klaim it beforest us?"

Wolf looked at his teammates again.

" _No comprendo,"_ Panther said while Leon shrugged.

"Yeah, all I heard was 'dildo' and I kinda tuned everything else out," the lizard added.

Wolf turned back and shook his fist at Kursed. "Listen here you dumb vixen, I'll 'beforest' you! That can't be a word…"

"Yeah, and we'll make it look like an 'occident', or whatever," Leon added.

" _¡Gritando palabras al azar!"_ Panther cried while brandishing his sword.

Fox exhaled, then whispered to Kursed, "I'm glad they didn't understand a word you said, or they'd be off to find that gatekeeper thing before us."

"Well," Kursed yelled, "if ye desireth yon treasure, thou shalt have to pry it from the kold, dead fingers of each and every one of us!"

"I don't know what she said, but I think it was a challenge. Prepare the assault!" Wolf shouted. He began barking a series of orders to his crewmen. "Drop the ladders! Lower the longboats! Pass out the arms! Prepare the cannons for a broadside! By the time we're done with this encampment it'll look like a… a…" Wolf trailed off, glancing around the lagoon. "You guys having a party without us?"

Falco rose from behind cover. "Y-yeah… what's it look like?"

Fox scuffed his foot in the sand. "You're invited if you want…"

The Star Wolf members looked around the beach, admiring the preparations Fox and his companions had made so far. It _did_ look enticing…

But Wolf's face morphed into a snarl. "Lay down our arms and sup with the enemy?! No, I think not! Tell ya what I'm gonna do, Foxy. I'm gonna throw my own beach party—and it'll be bigger and better than yours! And no one will come to your pity party, because they'll be bangin' and boppin' with _us!_ How's that for an answer, huh? Aren't you just quivering in your trunks?"

Fox smiled nervously. "I know it's silly to be afraid of a little party, but considering I'm scared to even go to the grocery store anymore, yeah, I'm kinda worried what will happen. At the same time though, I'm morbidly curious."

"Then I've given you your only warning! Your head start means nothing; by afternoon our party will make your lagoon look like a free flu shot booth at a Flat Corneria convention. Come on Leon, Panther, Andrew; the attack has been canceled for today. Let's turn this ship around and make our preparations. Hoist anchor!"

"AYE-AYE, SIR!" his crew saluted. After carefully bobbing and weaving back through the spikes, Star Wolf returned to their stations. Panther and Leon rotated the winch to raise the anchor, Wolf spun the ship's wheel to turn the vessel around, and Andrew began shouting, "Hhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" to fill out the sails. In a flash the _Sea Wolf_ rocketed out of the lagoon and disappeared over the horizon, the sunlight glinting off the last of the spikes for an instant, making a faintly audible _ding!_

Kursed frowned and placed her hands on her hips, glaring over at Fox.

"Now lookest what thou hast gotten us into."

* * *

 _Continued in Part 2…_


	12. The Return of Sea Wolf P2

_Episode 5: The Return of Sea Wolf (Part 2)_

* * *

.≋≋≋≋≋≋≋ ≋≋≋≋≋≋≋.

* * *

By lunchtime that day, most of the preparations were complete. Lylat's sun shone from a clear sky, the lagoon was a particularly-vibrant shade of blue-green, and the surrounding beach glistened spotless and clean. The group of marooned pilots hung streamers and hand-braided flowers from the treehouse and surrounding palm trees. Elsewhere they set up volleyball nets and soccer goals, and pavilions with grass-thatched roofs for dining—but as of yet no one had shown up to the party.

That seemed to change when they heard the engine of a large vehicle pulling up to their treehouse.

"They're here!" Fay exclaimed, dropping her end of a flower garland and forcing Miyu to precariously hold up the rest by herself. Everyone had a mini heart attack and began rushing through what they were doing to finish.

"False alarm everyone," Falco waved them off, "it's just the first of the lunch catering we ordered."

Katt followed him over to the van, which was painted with alternating red and white stripes and the face of (the late) Major Dickie Donga.

"Falco, you _didn't!"_ Katt exclaimed in horror. "Even after everything you learned from that tour?"

"Hey, you know that Gucci purse you love so much was made by Fortunan slave laborers, right?"

The feline spluttered for a moment, unable to form a coherent comeback.

Falco rolled his eyes. "Look, the answer is: just don't think about it. Now help me carry these boxes of chicken to the lunch pavilion."

But immediately after Falco and Katt left to stock the pavilion, a cacophonous rustling resounded from the jungle path. Fox and the others turned back to the forest to see a host of citizens emerge from the trees, nearly a hundred strong. The posse was mostly made up of native Aquans of different bright shades and colors, while other Cornerian immigrants or tourists who'd been grounded that spring composed the rest. Was it Fox or did the throng look slightly… _angry?_

A tall, stout, red-skinned frog stepped forward from the rest, apparently their leader. His large jaw was firmly set, and his brow furrowed sternly. Sticking his thumbs in the straps of his suspenders he asked gruffly, "Is this the residence of the so-called 'Star Fox Jr. Squadron' mercenary team?"

Fox rose to meet him, while the rest of his teammates looked rather intimidated by the number of potential guests. "Yes, that's us," he answered.

The frog looked distracted for a moment by all the preparations they'd made, and the rest of the townsfolk glanced around curiously at the amount of decorations. One of the younger kids tugged at the frog's pantlegs expectantly.

"Uh… is there a party or somethin' goin' on here?" he asked, tone softening.

Fox smiled warmly. "Why yes, you've come to the right place!"

The leader scratched his chin. "What's it for? What're you celebrating?"

"Well, it's sort-of a going-away party for ourselves; our way of saying goodbye to Frappé Island!"

Red's eyes widened, and the rest of the crowd seemed surprised as well. "You mean to say you're _leavin'?"_

Fox sighed mournfully. "Yes, I'm sad to say it's true. All good things must come to an end eventual-"

"YIPPEEE!"

"WOOHOO!"

"ALRIGHT!"

The crowd erupted into cheering and excited croaks, the Aquan citizens hopping up and down and hugging each other joyfully.

Fox's expression gradually soured. "Well you don't have to get _that_ excited about it."

"How'd you find out about the party?" Slippy asked, stepping forward. He pointed to a scrap of paper in the leader's hand. "Did you see one of my fliers?"

"'Fliers'?" Red repeated. "Oh, _this."_ He turned it around for Fox and Slippy to see. "This is just a lil' eviction notice I came to serve ya: the city council met yesterday and unanimously voted to deport you from the island. I'm the Frappé county sheriff, you see. I know I don't look it since I'm never in uniform. Everyone else just tagged along to see you finally go."

" _Evict us?!"_ Fox screeched. "Why?! What for?! What did we do?!"

The crowd parted ways for a much shorter, hunch-backed frog to shuffle forwards; his skin was guac-green, and his bushy gray eyebrows completely covered his eyes while his triangular beard grew down to his chest.

"Mayor Zippy," he introduced himself, his voice parched liked the crackle of an old phonograph record.

"Fox McCloud," the anxious vulpine returned, shaking his webbed, wrinkly hand.

"Look son, I'll put it bluntly," he wheezed, creating a gust that filled out his beard like a sail. "Ever since you and your friends crash-landed on the island and took up residence in the lagoon, weird things started happenin'. For one your appearance coincided with everyone becoming trapped on the island in the first place, and communication with the outside world was cut off. Pirates that have a bone to pick with you began terrorizing our communities and local waters. Citizens in large numbers have gone missing—particularly species of poultry. Now, all that may be a coincidence, but you've also caused a good amount of chaos yourselves; in your short time here you've over-farmed the jungle for fruit, split the town into two warring factions over what brand o' juice they drink, caused a major battle in front of a supermarket, and stirred up a ruckus in this lagoon—some residents even complained they heard cannon fire comin' from your little cove. You have to understand, our way of livin' is peaceful! Our economy thrives on tourists coming here to relax, and if you're firing off cannons left an' right it drives potential vacationers away."

Fox stood rooted to the ground, astounded at their long list of iniquities. "Oh, I-I had no idea! Honestly, Mr. Mayor, sir, it's not our fault; trouble just seems to follow us wherever we go like a rain cloud. As mercenaries, we're bound to make enemies sometimes."

Mayor Zippy nodded. "That may be the case, but I can't place the benefit of a few tourists like you over that of my townsfolk. This lagoon is public property, and we have every right to evict you. In fact we could've kicked you from the premises weeks ago, but we wanted to be hospitable. The Great Juice War, however, was the last straw."

"Really Mayor, we're sorry! I wish there was some way we could make it up to you," Fox pleaded.

But Zippy waved for him to calm down. "Everything is alright, my boy. Since you were planning to leave anyway, I'll just have the Sheriff here tear up that notice. And, seeing as how we're all here, and you were going to throw a party for us regardless… we might as well stay and enjoy it. Does that sound agreeable to everyone?"

Fox exhaled. "Well, the party's still on, if that's what you mean."

In response the Frappé islanders erupted in cheers a second time, looking eager to begin the festivities—though Fox still felt a little miffed that they would be celebrating the team leaving as a _good_ thing.

Katt meanwhile returned from the lunch pavilion and looked ecstatic to see the crowd of guests. Of course, she and Falco were blissfully unaware that they had come to deport them from Frappé, and were happy to finally be rid of the team. So Katt welcomed the throng of Aquans into the lagoon with open arms, directing them to different festivities while Fox merely rolled his eyes.

When the feline waved the last of the party-goers off, she turned back to her teammates. Gathering Miyu, Fay, and Kursed together she said, "Come on girls, we have some important preparations to finish."

Fox watched curiously as they made off to the treehouse together. "What? Where are you going? What preparations?"

"It doesn't concern you," Miyu stated while looking over her shoulder. "Just watch over the festivities while we're gone, will ya? I trust the entire beach won't be on fire by the time we return."

After the girls left, Slippy turned to Falco. "Oh, I got some bad news. Remember how we invited John MacAfee?"

"Yeah?" the falcon answered apprehensively. "He should've shown up by now. What gives?"

"He's been detained in Frappé Village. His yacht and all its armaments were seized."

Falco clenched his fists. "Argh! But they can't hold him on anything: he didn't kill that guy in Belize!"

"You know it, I know it, and the Mayor over there knows it, but there's too much pressure on the local municipality."

"Damn! Well there goes the whale-f*cking competition…"

* * *

While Katt and the rest of the girls disappeared to see to their mysterious arrangements, the boys were left to oversee the beach party by themselves. Falco passed out food under the shade of the lunch pavilion, Fox helped get a series of games going, and Slippy acted as a lifeguard while the younger kids played in the lagoon.

With everything underway, Fox and Falco met up closer to the treehouse. They stood with their arms crossed, surveying the party from the middle of the shore.

"Well, so far so good," Falco said, looking proud of their work.

"Yeah, admittedly I was worried it would all fall apart. I'm actually not that confident at parties."

Falco snorted and slapped Fox on the back with his wing. "Well if that ain't our fearless leader for ya! Don't worry Fox; with me as your wingman, it'll all be smooth sailing. You know, back where I come from they used to call me the Party Fowl!"

Fox curled an eyebrow at Falco. "And that was a good thing?"

"Yeah! At least I think it was… Point is, you worry too much. Me, Katt, and the girls gotchu covered." He nodded to Slippy acting as the lifeguard. "Hey, even Slip seems to be doin' fine with all these people around, and he usually hates anyone who's not us or his cartoon waifus. And I think he hates us most of the time too…"

Fox sighed. "You're right, I shouldn't worry about that. But I guess I still have Star Wolf in the back of my mind."

"Well, they haven't showed up so far. My guess is Wolf got cold feet and chickened out."

"Maybe, but they still could show up at any—"

The sound of sand shifting under several pairs of feet came from behind them, but Katt's chipper voice soon followed, allaying their nerves. "Back!"

Fox and Falco turned to see the four girls standing behind them, now dressed in matching island-appropriate attire. Instead of their usual swimsuits—and slave outfit, in Kursed's kase—they now wore coconut shell bras, thatched skirts, and colorful leis of bright flowers strung into garlands around their necks, or into armlets and anklets. Miyu and Fay wore leafy-green skirts woven from freshly-cut plants, while Katt and Kursed's were made from golden-dried grass.

"Well, how do we look?" Katt giggled.

"We made them ourselves!" Fay exclaimed proudly.

But Fox and Falco merely stared slack-jawed for a few seconds, taking them in. Finally Fox swallowed and managed to say, "The uh, tropical bug has finally bitten you all, huh?"

"Alright, where have you been hiding those outfits, and what in Lylat's name deprived me of the chance to see you in them earlier?" Falco demanded.

"Well, like Fay said," Katt explained, "we only made them earlier today. We thought we'd wear something special for the party, and this getup seemed the most appropriate."

"Plus, after making the piña coladas," Miyu added, "I got a little bored and made an interesting discovery while playing around with the coconut shells."

"And what a genius idea it was!" Katt congratulated her. "Hey-hey-hey, chest-bump!" And the two felines jumped together, causing their matching coconut shells to ring out with a hollow _clack_ upon contact. Falco's face grew excited while Fox's cheeks burned as they watched the shells jiggle to-and-fro from the aftershock.

The wind picked up, rustling the girls' skirts a bit. Fay suddenly shivered and squeezed her legs together. "Brrr! You know, it's a bit breezy in these skirts, isn't it?"

Katt and Miyu looked at her curiously. "No?" the lynx returned. "I think they're pretty comfortable."

"There's not much to keep the wind out!" Fay whined. "It's chilly down south…"

Katt narrowed her eyes. "Wait… you wore your swimsuit bottom beneath that, didn't you?"

Fay looked up at her with a horrified expression. "We were supposed to?!" she squeaked.

In response both felines face-palmed while Falco had to hold his sides to keep from laughing; a wheeze still escaped his beak.

"You mean you wore that grass skirt without any bottom underneath?!" Miyu burst out.

The spaniel covered her front with her paws. "I didn't know! You didn't say anything about it when we changed!"

"That's because it's _common sense!"_ Katt exclaimed.

Kursed put her hands on her hips. " _Humph!_ My people have worn grass skirts for hundreds of generations, and this is the first _I've_ heard of wearing something underneath. That's sacrilege!"

Fox's eyes bugged and he pointed a shaky finger at her. "Wait, you mean… you're not wearing anything e-e-either?!"

The vixen slipped her fingers into the waistband of her skirt. "What? Thou doubtest me? Allow me to extinguish thy misgiving—"

"NO!" Fox cried, looking away and signing the 'T' with his hands.

Falco dropped to his knees, hands clasped in prayer and head craned back to the sky. "God of the Aquan seas, I humbly beseech thee to strike up a gale force wind today, so that thee may bestow upon me visions of heaven!"

Kursed let go of her waistband. "Finally! One among ye who is literate!"

"Oh get up," Katt said, batting Falco so hard with her paw that he fluttered his wings and fell over. "If it means so much to you we can take a private stroll on the beach together _after_ the party."

"It's not only the skirt…" Fay continued complaining, "but the top as well. Why do my boobs feel all cold and slimy!" And she grabbed the twin shells to adjust them.

"Oh no," Miyu realized, "don't tell me you forgot to take the _meat_ out too."

"Well, I thought my skin would chafe otherwise!" the spaniel whined. "Now I just feel cold everywhere…"

Fox and Falco continued to snicker together, but they didn't go unnoticed. When Katt and the others seemed to grow suspicious of their aside, Fox clapped his hands loudly. "So! Whaddya say we split into carefully-calculated pairs and spread out?"

"Split up? _Already?"_ Fay whined.

"Why not have some fun first?" Katt agreed. "It's our party as much as it is theirs. I think we should enjoy ourselves a bit before serving everyone else."

Fox thought it over for a minute, then nodded. "Can't say I'm excited to pass out sunscreen to Aquans for hours. Anything in particular you have in mind?"

"Mhmm: _volleyball!"_

The todd rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, really? Who says you always have to play volleyball at the beach?"

Miyu unrolled a lengthy piece of paper. "Says so in our contract, right here. Paragraph 3, section d."

Fox squinted at the miniscule writing. "My god so it does… well we don't want to break our contract, do we? So I guess we better comply. To the volleyball net!"

The idea of playing a game together before having to work was popular with everyone, it seemed. Even Slippy came hustling over from the lagoon to join them at the net. When he reached the rest of the group he squatted down, panting.

"Hey uh, Slip, you sure you can spare a moment away from lifeguard duty?" Falco asked.

"Oh, yeah, it'll be… fine," Slippy managed between breaths.

"You sure?" Miyu asked, pointing to the lagoon. "Two of those kids seem like they're floating facedown already."

"Yeah, they'll be okay. Frogs can go without breathing underwater for like… a couple hours, at least. They'll still be there when I get back."

Katt grimaced worriedly in the direction of the children. "Well, if you say so… _Ahem,_ time to make teams! I call first captain."

Falco bumped Fox with his elbow, who snapped back to attention. "Oh, uh, second captain!"

Katt smirked. "You're just gonna pick Falco, aren't you?"

Fox shrugged. "You'll pick Miyu, right?"

"Well, if we're both so predictable, why not do girls vs boys?"

Slippy threw up his hands. "What is this, middle school recess?"

But Fox held up a paw to stop him. "No-no, I sense some unresolved tensions leftover from the Battle of the Sexes. It seems blowing a cannonball through the treehouse and getting us shipwrecked a _second_ time wasn't enough."

Katt picked up a volleyball and began tossing it up and down. "Ha, like we didn't completely crush you in that ship battle. Let's settle which gender is better once and for all!"

They divided to either side of the net based on the above-mentioned criteria. On the boys' side, Fox drew Falco and Slippy into a huddle to decide their team name, while the girls already had theirs.

"Ready to face off against the Feline Fatale's again?" Miyu challenged.

"What?!" Falco exclaimed. "You have a fox now! Only half of you are still cats!"

"Oh?" Katt retorted, curling her fists on her hips, "like you have a _better_ name?"

In-sync the three boys jumped and flexed together, chanting, _"We are the Patriarchy, OORAH!"_

"I don't understand how this is supposed to prove which gender is better," Fay admitted. "It's not even a fair match; their team has all the boys!"

Katt raised a brow. "Yes Fay, that's kinda the point?"

Seizing the opportunity, Falco called across the net, "Hey, we'll trade you Slippy!"

Without hesitation Miyu shoved Fay forward. "We'll trade you Fay!"

Falco exchanged glances with Fox, then dragged Slippy backwards. "On second thought, we'll just keep Slippy."

"Yeah."

Miyu looked at Fay's betrayed eyes, then back over at the boys. "We'll give you Fay for free!"

"HEY!"

Katt nodded in agreement. "We _do_ have them outnumbered 4 to 3…"

"Yeah, well handicapping us with Fay would just make that margin even _bigger_ in your favor! _"_ Falco countered.

"Why doesn't Kursed sit out and be the ref?" Slippy suggested. "That would even up the-OW!"

Fox had stepped on Slippy's foot, grinding it painfully into the sand. He desperately shook his head and hissed, _"You fool, if she sits out I won't get to see those big coconut shells bounce!"_

But it was too late. "That's a great idea!" Miyu agreed. "Kursed, do you know anything about volleyball?"

The vixen crossed her arms and glanced around the net. "The kombatants are all here, but I see no kannons with which to launch said volleys." She took the ball from Katt and passed it disapprovingly between her hands. "Besides, these soft shells you have kouldn't penetrate a soggy krab kake."

"She's perfect!" Katt exclaimed.

"Come again?" Fox asked.

"She knows nothing about the game, so she's the definition of an impartial third party! You won't be biased in your judgement, will you, Kursed?" And she discretely gave the vixen a nudge.

Kursed seemed to catch on and shared a secret wink with the feline. Leaving the volleyball field, she climbed up onto a tall lifeguard chair and seated herself as if she were on a throne. "Let the games kommence!" she proclaimed. "The losers shall be thrown to the sharks!"

" _It's just a game,"_ Falco grumbled, preparing to serve the ball. _"Why does she have to make everything so serious…"_

Falco released the volleyball and struck its underside with his other wing, sending it sailing across the net. The four taller players stood farther out while Fay and Slippy guarded directly under the net, since their teammates figured that would place them outside the line of fire for the most part. From there the ball fell to Miyu, who hit it to Fox, who jumped to strike it back to Katt, who returned it over the net once again. Fox landed from his jump and sucked in a breath when the ball lazily arced over the net towards Slippy, worried he would cost them their first point.

Surprising all of them, Slippy leapt five feet into the air and struck the ball at the top of the arc, spiking it down into the sand on the girl's side. Fay covered her head with her arms and ran away screaming, but the ball would have safely missed her anyway. However, Slippy's spike made the ball strike the sand so hard a cloud of grains shot into the air, and a crack of thunder seemed to resound across the beach—loud enough to turn heads.

The girls' eyes widened and they gulped worriedly, while Fox and Falco's jaws dropped.

"Holy shit Slippy, I didn't know you could do that," Fox gasped.

"Yeah," he said, rolling his eyes, "as usual I'm underestimated."

Miyu traded places with Fay beneath the net to better counter Slippy, but she dreaded the moment she'd have to fend off one of his powerful spikes. Katt served the ball back across the net, and the game continued. The ball arced back and forth several times, until Miyu jumped and spiked it herself. It flew past Slippy to Fox, who had to dive forward and bounce it off his fists mere inches before it would have struck the sand. It sailed high into the sky, black against the overhead sun, and the players had to arch their necks back to follow it. Then it began to plummet… straight at Fay.

"I-got-it-I-got-it!" the spaniel cried, standing directly beneath where the ball was headed. She squatted in place and caught the ball with a loud _thud,_ then proudly stood and held it up. "And who says girls can't catch?" she said, smugly.

Miyu facepalmed while Katt shouted, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? You need to hit it back across the net—don't catch it!"

"Oh-oh-oh-NO! EEK!" Fay screwed her eyes shut and hurled the ball with both hands to get rid of it. It flew just beneath the net and struck Fox squarely in the face, who was just getting up from having previously dived for the ball.

Well, let's just say he caught it a second time. The ball smashed against his face with a sharp _smack,_ leaving his muzzle slightly bent to the side. He immediately dropped back to the ground to receive a mouthful of sand to boot.

From atop her lifeguard chair, Kursed winced before leaning forward. "Ooh-hoo-hoo! Truly a brutal blood sport!"

The other players crowded around Fox worriedly, who now lay stretched out on the sand. Fay sprinted over and slid to his side, cradling his head in her lap. "Oh Fox, I'm so sorry! What-do-I-do, what-do-I-do?!"

"Check his pulse, quick!" Miyu urged.

"Oh, uh-uh-alright!" The spaniel frantically lifted Fox's arm and placed her fingers on his wrist, though she struggled to locate his pulse.

" _I'm okay,"_ Fox said, muffled by a mouthful of Fay's leaf skirt.

"Oh my god he's _DEAD_ ," she gasped when she couldn't find his pulse.

Before Fox could completely recover, Kursed suddenly pointed seawards and shouted, "LAAAAAAAAAAND HOOOOOOO!"

Slippy straightened up. "Well that couldn't have been too hard to spot. We're _on_ land, Kursed."

"Yeah," Falco agreed, "you know you'd make a _great_ lookout. The sand almost snuck up on me for a minute there!"

"Oi, do not make fun of me!" she called down. "There's land, and it's… well, _ho!"_

"Kursed, what are you talking about?!" Katt demanded. "We're _on_ land!"

"Oh shut thy traps and lookest thou where I pointeth!" she snarled.

Fox raised his head from Fay's lap and stared out at the water. Still dazed, he had to wait a few seconds for his double-vision to resolve into a single image. When it did, however, he thought he was dreaming.

"Why is there an island in our lagoon?!" he demanded.

He wasn't seeing things. There _was_ a miniature island now floating in the middle of Lylat Lagoon. A sandy beach circled 'round the edge, behind which palm trees obscured the base of a towering volcano.

"Did it just… _spring_ out of the planet's crust after Slippy's spike?!" Miyu asked incredulously.

It couldn't have—not pre-forested and pre- _inhabited._ Much like the team's lagoon, the island was decorated with torches and party streamers, but also had other fixtures like a large jacuzzi and even a series of intertwined waterslides around the base of the volcano—it even had a tiki bar. More worrying than that was the fact that the island was still _moving._ The longer they stared at it the closer it floated towards them, until it settled a few dozen yards from the shore.

The mystery was solved, however, when a familiar voice called across the lagoon.

"HAR-HARRRRR!" Wolf cheered, springing up from behind the tiki bar. He was closely followed by Leon and Panther, each of whom were still dressed in their ridiculous pirate getup.

"Wolf!" Fox exclaimed, "you can't just… _float_ an entire island into our lagoon like this!"

"I just did, bitch! And there's nothing you can do about it!"

"What are you scheming?!" Kursed demanded, hopping down from the lifeguard platform.

"We've returned to crash your party like we threatened—remember?" Leon said in his usual condescending voice.

"Face it, Fox," Wolf continued, "your party's basically a Catholic high-school prom—every other person's a chaperone or your mom! Once your guests get a load of our island party extravaganza, they'll ditch yours so fast it'll make your acorn-shaped head spin barrel-rolls around your neck. And that's not the only way we're outdoin' ya…"

Wolf awkwardly stumbled his way around the side of the bar, as if he had trouble seeing where he was going. Sure enough when he drew closer, Fox realized he had not one, but _two_ eyepatches, leaving him 100% blind at this point. Wolf slowly shuffled his way down the shore, holding his arms in front of him shakily and only stopping when his feet felt the water rushing over the artificial beach. He straightened his back and placed his hands confidently on his hips, glaring straight into the eyes of a confused elderly Aquan lady. Leon rushed down the shore after him and slightly adjusted Wolf's angle so he was facing Fox, while Panther brought a chair.

"Well Fox; whaddya say to _this?!"_ He pointed to his second eyepatch, grinning triumphantly. "I bet you feel pretty silly with just _one_ measly eyepatch, don'cha?! So you thought you could out-pirate the actual pirate, huh? Well you're _wrong!"_

"How do you even see with those on?" Miyu jabbed.

Wolf's head jerked blindly around, teeth gnashing. "Ooooh, I'm gonna grind you to a pulp once I find out who said that!"

Fox rolled his eyes, exasperated by the lengths Wolf would go to in order to outdo him. Then he had an idea. Grabbing a saw and a leftover board from the lifeguard platform's construction, he sat down in the sand. "Hey Wolf! You'll be the better pirate—until I saw my leg off and replace it with a wooden peg!"

"You… you wouldn't _dare!"_ the lupine stuttered, balking.

"Here I go!" Fox set to sawing the piece of lumber in half, the noise of which reached across the lagoon. After the first stroke of the saw he jokingly screamed, "AIYEEEEEEEE!"

Wolf's jaw dropped open. "Dear god he's serious…"

"Oh the pain, THE PAIN! I can see bone!"

The lupine's tail uncurled at the sound of his tortured screeching, but his mind was made up. "I still won't be shown-up by a lesser canid! Leon, hand me a saw! I gotta amputate _both_ my legs right here, right now. Panther, find some pegs of an appropriate length—preferably even, like my old legs."

"Si, señor," Panther returned before starting off. But Leon hissed and grabbed Wolf by the collar, whispering something into his ear.

"He's _not?!"_ Wolf bellowed. He lifted an eyepatch to look for himself. It proved to be the wrong one, and Wolf revealed his empty eye socket to the crowd of screaming Aquans who were looking on. Embarrassed, he let the patch fall back into place before raising the fake one. When he saw Fox's leg still attached he snarled, "Why you dirty trickster; you still have both your legs! Keep trying, but you'll never be better than the OP—that's me, the Original Pirate!"

Fox crossed his arms. "The only thing _you've_ ever pirated was a bag of potato chips from a vending machine, and you got your arm stuck for half an hour first."

Fay laughed. "Oh, I remember that!"

The lupine huffed. "Laugh all you want, 'cause you won't be laughing much longer—not when our island steals all your guests. Speaking of which…" Wolf cupped his paws to his muzzle and shouted, "Hey you! Yes, all the Aquans and other guests at the pity party; swim over to our island where you can have a _real_ bop!"

"Why should they?!" Fox shouted back. "What does your island got that we haven't got?"

"What do we got? What do we _got?!"_ Wolf paused to inhale a tremendously-deep breath before continuing. "We got air-hockey and foosball tables, poker games and racing stables, collector's cars and tiki bars, big TVs with coax cables; swimming pools and hot jacuzzis, bubbly drinks and fruity smoothies, limbo dancers, pyromancers, servant girls and furry floozies; alcoholic margaritas, big burritos, grilled fajitas, hentai mangas, chimichangas, queso dip and beef carnitas; italian ice, DQ blizzards, waterslides and lazy-rivers, electric sharks in waterparks, tanning booths/slash cancer-givers; hamburgers but hold the mayo, trading cards and Star Fox tarot, kebab skewers, island tours—a chocolate lava cake volcano!"

Katt balked at the last item. " _Excuse_ me?! Did you say that's a chocolate lava cake volcano behind you?!"

"That's right, you heard him!" Leon taunted. "30 feet of chocolate lava cake shaped into a volcano cone, and filled to the brim with even more melted chocolate! Why there's enough chocolate here for you to drown in!"

"And what a way to go…" Slippy agreed. When Fox looked over at him the frog's pupils had turned into swirling brown spirals.

"But that's not all!" Wolf added, letting his eyepatch snap back into place smugly. "We've even hired a troupe of exotic local dancing girls to spice things up! In fact, I hear them coming now…"

"This way, girls!" an effeminate, belle-like voice called.

An ensemble—nay, a _stampede_ —of dancing girls stormed the shores of Wolf's island. They were dressed in just as revealing and exotic outfits as Fox's female teammates had changed into, with wavy grass skirts, coconut brassieres, and flower leis. If it had been anyone else, they would have made for a mouth-watering, jaw-dropping, nose-bleeding sight. But…

"Oh no," Slippy blanched. "Not _you_ again!"

Crowded on the shore of Wolf's party float were the marooned Aquan feminists from Gelato Island. The balloon-like frogs danced and shook and gyrated all over the beach, proving to be eye-candy for the local Aquan men and eye-Tide-pods for everyone else.

Wolf seated himself triumphantly on his throne, totally oblivious to the horrid sight around him because of his dual eyepatches. "Well Fox; feast your eyes on _this!"_ Two of the dancers surrounded Wolf on either side and began twerking mere inches from his grinning face. "I can't see them myself, but I'm sure they're hot as hell."

Falco nearly threw up right then and there. His cheeks bulged and he had to cover his mouth with his wings. Turning he sprinted to a porta-potty and desperately pounded on the plastic door, only for a muffled voice to exclaim, _"Okyupaido!"_ He was last seen sprinting into the jungle at mach speed.

Miyu—who had been the unfortunate prisoner of the feminists—felt the most shocked of all to see them like this. "What gives?!" she exclaimed. "I thought you were against, uh… 'objectification' and pleasing the male gaze or whatever."

One of the Aquan women stopped gyrating long enough to explain. "After we crashed headlong into the horde of manchildren chasing you, we all changed our perspectives on femininity and society. We learned to coexist with our male counterparts, finding empowerment through weaponized sexuality and body positivity. Watch!"

Kursed grimaced at the result. "Ack! A despicable affront to my eyes! But I have the remedy, for it just so happens I've hired my _own_ entertainment…" Pressing two fingers to her lips she whistled shrilly. "Behold, the most ravaging, most scandalous slave dancers Cerinia has to offer!"

"NO—" Fox began.

"—WAY," Slippy finished, mirroring his excitement.

At the kaptain's signal, her own troupe of Cerinian dancers stormed the beach en masse, immediately stripping to the bare essentials, mingling with the guests, and finding tiki torches for poll-dancing. There was just one problem for Slippy and Fox.

"Th-th… they're _male!?"_ Fox balked.

They were more than that, for these were the former crewmen of Kursed's ship _The Cerinity._ The battle-hardened, sea-weathered, and CrossFit-trained Cerinians were the platonic ideal of masculinity, bursting with muscles barely contained by slick, oiled-up fur that glistened in the sunlight as they performed.

While Fox and Slippy died a little inside, the girls squealed with delight and each found a nearby dancer to fawn over, pinching their rock-hard arms and trying and failing to measure the width of their muscles. Kursed merely looked on with satisfaction.

The crew's former _second_ mate approached them, dressed only in a tight, black speedo. "The Cerinian Bohemians are at your service, Mr. McCloud!" he saluted.

"I… I don't understand!" Fox stuttered. "How did you go from being a pirate crew to… well, _this?!"_

"Ah, a good question. I understand your confusion, but it's a riveting story that'll take you through the dark depths of nihilism to the enlightened peaks of true meaning. You see, after you kidnapped Kaptain Kursed—er, Princess Krystal—we were lost without a leader. As denizens of an antiquated feudal society, we were castaways in the vast seas of democracy and personal freedom, thrust into a new life without purpose or guidance. With no one to bark orders at us and threaten us with the dread of an afterlife of torment, we lay around the ship doing nothing, drifting aimlessly wherever the winds took us. Eventually the _Cerinity_ ran aground at Frappé village, and the kind citizens there took us in. With their help we found new purpose; we completely turned our lives around! Me? I became a professional life coach! Randall here? A physical therapist! Caspar and Telemachus? Yoga instructors! And of course, we each share interpretive dance for a hobby, as a way of sublimating our remaining anger at our former kaptain's tyranny and oppression. But all of that is behind us now."

"Hey, where's that big hunk of a Cerinian, Quartermaster Masterquarter?" Miyu asked slyly.

"Oh, him? He's in the hospital recovering from a fractured pelvis. Someone shattered it into like… 20 or so pieces with a wet towel."

Miyu blanched when she remembered. " _OH…"_

Wolf reached up to lift his eyepatch and see what was going on again, but he couldn't remember which eye was still there and didn't want to risk another horrifying gaff. "I can't tell what's going on over there, but our dancing girls are better—just like the rest of our attractions! So if you like what you see, ditch Fox's pity party and join ours for some _real_ fun!"

Fox crossed his arms, letting his competitive side get the better of him. "We'll just see whose party is better, Wolf! _Bring it on!"_

* * *

 _Continued in Part 3…_


	13. The Return of Sea Wolf P3

_Episode 5: The Return of Sea Wolf (Part 3)_

* * *

.≋≋≋≋≋≋≋ ≋≋≋≋≋≋≋.

* * *

Hours passed, with the guests splitting roughly even between the two parties—though most of them likely assumed Wolf's party was just an extension of Fox's and were oblivious to their cold war of festivity. For the most part the islanders enjoyed themselves, but those that knew of the underlying conflict felt uneasy, worried someone might accidentally spill their punch on another guest and spark Juice War II.

It was now late in the afternoon, and the sun was close to setting—presumably because it had had seen enough of the team's shit and couldn't stand to watch any longer. From the edge of the horizon, the blushing sphere cast blood-orange rays and long shadows across the dual beaches. The tiki torches were lit, the Christmas lights sparkled on, and fire pits on either island crackled to life; orange licks of flames dancing within.

Like his teammates, Fox worked tirelessly helping out at different stations; serving drinks and food, refereeing sports matches, and serving lifeguard duty by the lagoon. But he constantly worried about what was going on over at Wolf's island. Were his attractions truly better? Could he boast more guests? Would his rival claim victory over him in yet another arbitrary contest? Fox knew he shouldn't care or pay Wolf any heed, but he worried nonetheless, and as a result hated himself for it. By sunset his curiosity and nervousness got the better of him, so he decided to take a look.

Crossing to the island required Fox to swim the small channel between the beaches. It wasn't the first time he'd gone for a swim that day, but by now the lagoon had significantly cooled off, and Fox shivered when he emerged on the other side, wrapping his arms around his sides.

Star Wolf's island didn't appear that much different from their own party up close. The furnishings were more expensive (Fox expected Wolf stole them like everything else), yet besides the neon letters that read "Star Wolf Tiki Bar" above the drink counter, it was impossible to tell the two parties were even separate—especially because of the guests that moved fluidly between the two. As Fox passed the Aquans and other marooned tourists, it seemed like none of them even cared about their competition. Star Wolf didn't seem to be up to anything; he didn't know where Wolf and Andrew were, but he spotted Leon harmlessly serving drinks while Panther waited on tables. He was just beginning to feel relaxed when Wolf's grating voice gouged his ears.

"Hey Fox, you look like a truck just splashed you on a rainy day!" he jeered, noting how wet and pathetic he looked.

Fox unwrapped his arms and made an effort to stop shivering. Looking around he spotted Wolf relaxing in a circular jacuzzi, which practically overflowed with bubbles. Fox gawked when he saw the shirtless lupine sitting with a woman in each arm—but they weren't just _any_ women:

"Hi Fox!" Sheila cried, lifting a paw and waving at him excitedly.

"Hello Fox," Scarlet echoed in a sultry tone, seated in Wolf's _other_ arm. Sheila's swimsuit was a soft baby-blue color, while Scarlet wore a single-shoulder latex bikini. Wolf's trunks were below the bubbles, but you can bet your ass they were bitchin' purple.

"Wh-what are you two doing here?" Fox exclaimed. He continued to stare dumbfounded at the girls, who giggled at his apparent surprise.

"Like we had anything better to do in our own stories?" Scarlet answered. "Neither of them are getting updated soon."

"Besides," Sheila added, "a beach party sounded fun!"

"Why don't you join us?" Wolf offered, though his eye glittered evilly. "You look cold out there."

"Well, okay—as long as it's not some trick…"

With much reluctance Fox lowered himself into the jacuzzi, sitting on the opposite end of the circular ledge from Wolf. But as soon as he touched the water he felt himself get sucked the rest of the way in; the tickling, bubbly sensation and stress-relieving warmth were just _that_ good.

For the moment Wolf had won. He shifted his arms, and both vixen and husky turned inwards to him, resting their arms on his chest. Somehow that made the jacuzzi careen from the most comfortable sensation Fox had ever experienced to the _least._ He was more than a third wheel; he felt like a _fourth_ , which in all likelihood was _exactly_ Wolf's intent.

"So…" the lupine began, "does it embarrass you knowing I'm hooking up with your cousin? She tells me you used to have a thing for her…"

Fox's ears flattened back over his skull. He could feel the blood rushing to his face, and it wasn't from the heat of the hot tub.

"Well, we're, er, _not_ cousins, actually…"

Wolf lifted an eyebrow. "Oh really? I forgot what your relation was. Isn't it second or third cousins now?"

Fox coughed. "Actually, we're hardly related at all; Scarlet's my mother's sister's daughter's friend's aunt's grandniece's pet goldfish's _fish caretaker's_ cousin."

"Yuck, that's gross!" Wolf gagged. "That makes the two of you practically _siblings!"_

"Remember what we always say, Fox," Scarlet winked. "What happens in the family _stays_ in the family."

Wolf and Sheila laughed, then abruptly stopped to give the vixen the same worried look.

Fox coughed nervously and thought it best to change the subject. "Hey, where's your lackey, Andrew? I've seen Leon and that new Panther guy around the island, but he's nowhere to be seen. I mean, knowing you he's probably hidden away somewhere doing busy work where he can't harm anyone with his gale force nostrils." Fox laughed and continued to joke, "Do you have him heating the jacuzzi with all the hot air that comes out of him?"

Wolf's nose wrinkled, and he glared at Fox. "You think you're so clever… you always were a smart-ass."

"What? What'd I say?"

"Alright, you guessed it."

Fox balked. "You mean…?!"

Wolf let go of Sheila and Scarlet to spread his arms. "Well we had to put all that hot air to use somehow! And there were only so many balloons we could fill before the island floated off into the sky."

Sheila glanced back and forth between Fox and Wolf. "I think I'm missing some of the story here…"

"So what," Fox asked, "do you have him like… _under_ the hot tub or…?"

Wolf nodded. "Pretty much. He's the one making all the bubble jets."

Fox's eyes widened. "OH MY GOD HE'LL DROWN!"

But the lupine waved away his concern. "Keep your trunks on, Fox; he has an infinite supply of oxygen in those lungs. Somehow he's even _more_ nasally than when we were at the Academy. And, if you were curious how we floated this entire island into your lagoon, guess whose respiratory system we used as an outboard motor!"

"It must be the monkey's magic ability," another voice said from behind Fox.

The vulpine turned to see a flash of blue and white before Kursed dropped into the jacuzzi beside him. Before he could ask her what she meant by 'magic ability,' she passed him a coconut shell filled with a tropical beverage—straw, flashy umbrella toothpick, and all.

"Oh, uh, thanks!" he stammered. He accepted the drink and looked down at it. "What is this?"

"Miyu kalled it a 'piña kolada.' I made it especially for you—well, for us to share, really."

Fox took a sip through the straw, and was delighted at the sweet and sour pineapple flavor. "Mm, delicious!" He discarded the straw and began drinking straight from the shell, unable to get enough of the dueling ice mixture and burning alcohol. Finishing his first swig, he smacked his lips and wiped his mouth with an elbow, only succeeding in getting his lips even wetter. "I feel like the Shiverburn Galaxy! Now, what was this about 'magic abilities'?"

"Yes, please do tell," Wolf said while closing his eye and reclining back.

"Well, I don't expect the likes of you doubting heathens to believe me, but this planet bestows upon people mystic powers. Not by sheer happenstance, either: a mysterious group of alchemists have dumped their vile elixirs all around Aquas' oceans to experiment with the forbidden sciences. They require isolated islands to test their koncoctions on unsuspecting natives and visitors, like ourselves. The potions infect the surrounding oceans, sea life, and even the fruits of the islands. As a result, those who live here often undergo… _unnatural_ changes. Everyone's ability is different. This 'Andrew' minion seems to possess the power of infinitely replenishable air. One survivor my krew kame across had the power to turn water to ice. Another town performer kould make any gold doubloon I gave him vanish! I lost half our fortune that way… Other's abilities, however, were more of a kurse than a blessing, the likes of which would give ye unending nightmares for the rest of ye lives. For instance, the owner of Mom's Organic Market became an unsettling amalgamation of each of our matrons."

"Interesting…" Fox mused, stroking his chin as he fantasized about his own badass powers he was sure to develop. "What about your magic ability, Kursed? Is that how you learned to mind-read?"

"No, mine appears to be increasing viewership. Mind-reading already runs deep in my family's royal bloodline."

Wolf flexed. "Well, in that case, mine has to be being better than Fox at literally everything! And magnetically attracting hot women." And he winked at Sheila and Scarlet, putting his arms back around them. "Of course, I've _always_ excelled in those areas."

Kursed raised her own piña colada and sipped from it thoughtfully. "Hmm… in that kase, the elixirs seem to strengthen traits that the subject already possesses…"

Forgetting their present conversation, Fox began to stare at Kursed's drink, which was contained by a second coconut half that worryingly matched his own. Slowly, he removed the beverage from his lips.

"Um, Kursed, where did you get the shells for these?"

She finished sipping and looked up at him. She stated flatly, "From my brassiere, of kourse."

Fox's eyes wandered down to the vixen's chest, but the bubbly jets rose just high enough to keep her essentials covered, probably as she had meticulously calculated. Of what he could make out, though, there was a disturbing lack of hairy brown coconut shell, and a worrying abundance of blue and white.

When he looked back up to meet her eyes, she raised one of her brows curiously. "…Is there a problem, Kaptain?"

He swallowed. "Kursed, please, we're in public!"

"Well don't get mad at me! I thought this was a kommunal bath! When in Lylat, do as the Lylatians do and all? I thought public bathing was the norm!"

Fox face-palmed. "Well, at least you can't use your skirt for a homemade cup, or else I think you would have."

Kursed crossed her arms and _humphed._ "Well Fox, if you want me to put the koconuts back on you better hurry and finish your drink."

He rolled his eyes. "Great, so the choice is between me being sober and you wearing a top. Nice mess I'm in."

"Of kourse, if perchance you were to _lose_ it," Kursed continued, unabated, "I'd have to stay in here with you forever."

"If you wanna look like a blue prune, be my guest—" But Fox paused, sniffing loudly. "Hey, does anyone else smell tea?"

Sheila tipped her muzzle up and sniffed as well. "Hmm… smells like lemongrass."

Bewildered, Fox stuck a finger in the water and tasted it. "It does taste like really bad lemongrass tea…"

In a panic, Kursed patted her hands around her waist. "Well Fox, if you were upset about the koconut kups, wait till you hear the fate of my skirt."

"Oh no," Fox groaned. "Great job, Kursed. Your skirt dissolved and turned the hot tub into a tea jacuzzi. You know as soon as Andrew's lungs run out, you're in trouble."

Kursed played with her hair. "I'll have you know I'm a _very_ fast runner. In fact, when I'm a blue streak, people kan't really tell me from Sonic."

"What's wrong, Fox?" Wolf taunted, "having another lover's quarrel?"

"Huh?"

Wolf nodded at Kursed. "Who's the new gal? We've never been properly introduced. She another cousin of yours I don't know about?"

Fox eyed Kursed with sudden suspicion. "Oh god, I never thought of that before. You know that'd be just my kind of luck…"

Kursed tapped a finger on her chin thoughtfully. "You know, I was almost betrothed to _my_ kousin once…"

"Heh… so she _is_ your new girlfriend?" Wolf teased.

"No."

Contradicting him, the vixen tightly wrapped one of Fox's arms in her own and scooted uncomfortably close. "Actually Fox, I wanted to speak with thee about that. I've deemed our union to be of the highest political necessity."

Fox tensed at her touch, as if a porcupine had hugged him and the slightest shift he made risked impaling himself. "You what now?"

"Thou heardest me; I lack a krew, and thou lackest direction. We should wed in the flesh just as we should wed our kauses; thou desireth to find the gate, dost thou not?"

" _Shh!"_ Fox shushed her, _"don't let Wolf hear! If not for your old dialect he would've caught on by now. That's the only reason he didn't understand when you mentioned it earlier."_

But it was too late; Wolf's ears had already perked. "Gate? What gate? Are you referring to LegGate or ZeroGate?"

"It's nothing!" Fox insisted.

"What?" Kursed asked, surprised. "Is not the reason you kame to parley with Wolf to find out how much he knows about the Gatekeeper?"

Scarlet sat up intently. "Oh shit, plot details."

Fox laughed nervously. "Uh, ha-ha! And what _'_ Gatekeeper' is that, Kursed?" Then behind his hand he whispered to Wolf, _"She's_ crazy! _Thinks she's some princess from another world."_

"Thou knowest all too well of which door I speak! The artifact that opens portals to other worlds; the Dimensional Door! The only device that kan release people from the kurse of this planet."

The vulpine patted her on the head, pretending to humor her. "Oh, _sure_ Kursed! Whatever you say, dear!"

Wolf's eyebrows raised. "Then it's true! We _are_ marooned on this planet—along with your sorry tails as well! In that case Fox, you can be sure _we'll_ find the Dimensional doohickey before you do, and leave you behind in the sand forever!"

When Fox saw it was no use, he gave up the act and held his head in his hands. "Well Kursed, you blew it. You told our greatest enemy what we were after. The road to the Gatekeeper just got a _lot_ hairier. Not to mention the eyeball average decreased from 2 to like… 1.91, rounding up."

Kursed gnashed her teeth. "That settles it! As soon as possible, we are setting out for the treasure! …Just as soon as I get my fill of this jacuzzi thing." She relaxed her muscles and melted into the warm, bubbly water, shivering with pleasure. "Oo0oOh, I found a jet!"

Fox however sat upright. "Alright, I can't stand being around Wolf and those two traitors any longer. I'm gonna find a towel so you don't have to—" But he cut himself off when Panther materialized by the side of the hot tub. He wore an immaculate waiter's outfit and carried a covered silver platter.

When he spotted Kursed the cat's eyes lit up. He smiled jubilantly: "Ahhh! The scornful but lovely _capitana_ of the _Cerenity!_ My heart has ached for too many _noches_ in the hope that I may look upon your face again!"

Kursed looked taken aback, for the first time feeling trapped between the dangerous swordsman and the jacuzzi. "Oh, you were the swashbuckling knave who single-handedly stormed my ship the other day—what was thy name?"

"At the behest of my new compatriots, I have adopted the name, 'Panther.' A fitting title, for I assure you, my blood runs as hot in my veins as it does in the rest of my passionate species." The jungle cat knelt beside the vixen and took her damp paw in his, kissing it.

"M-my! Thou hast kome a long way from wanting to slay me," she observed.

"Ah, but there is _mas de_ _uno_ way of slaying a vixen, no?" He presented the silver platter and lifted the top, revealing a pile of foil-wrapped hot dogs. "Do you desire _un perrito caliente?_ It's on the house!"

"Thank you, I am rather hungry." Kursed set her drink down and took the top hotdog, looking it over. "Dost thou have ketchup?"

"Si, si!" Panther rushed to say. "Anything _por la señorita bonita!"_ He squeezed a bottle of ketchup over the bun, creating a loud flatulence noise.

"Heh, you okay Fox?" Wolf snorted teasingly. "You're looking a bit worked up over there."

The vulpine bristled. It wasn't that he was _jealous_ —he couldn't be. Up till very recently Kursed was his arch enemy on Aquas and wanted him dead. Well, not _dead_ , per se, but at least her prisoner; a tool with which to find the Gatekeeper for herself. They loathed one another just as much as they were hopelessly attracted to each other. Maybe it was the way Wolf was lording his newfound girlfriends over Fox, or the way Wolf had stubbornly concluded Kursed was _his_ new girlfriend, regardless of the lack of truth behind the notion, or the fact that Wolf wanted Panther to try and steal Kursed from their blossoming—but purely hypothetical!—relationship. Whatever it was seriously rustled his jimmies.

 _Shit,_ Fox realized, _I_ am _jealous of Kursed!_

And, of course, slightly drunk.

He coughed, subtly shifting the attention back to himself. "Hey, Wolf, did you forget to neuter your cat? It's making advances on my—" he glanced at Kursed for a moment, "—business associate."

"Well, if she's just your… 'business associate,'why does it matter if Panther hits on her? Unless you _do_ have more than a Platonic relationship."

Fox clenched his fists but otherwise kept his anger at bay. He wrapped an arm around Kursed's shoulders and pulled her closer. " _Garçon,_ or whatever, I'll take two of those hot dogs. And be quick about it!"

Panther removed the round lid to the platter, but to Fox's surprise he set it down on the todd's head with a _clang._ While Fox sat dumbfounded with the silver lid over his head, he heard a loud tearing noise and what suspiciously sounded like the tatters of a waiter's uniform being discarded on the ground. Finally a large splash sounded from the other side of Kursed, and Panther's muffled flattering began to reach his ears. All while he praised the vixen, Fox just sat there with the silver dome resting over his head, resigned to his fate.

"Ah, señorita, did anyone ever tell you your eyes were like two sparkling emeralds, shining brighter than Fortuna in midday?"

"Did anyone ever tell you fencing is gay?" Fox said sourly while lifting the lid off.

The jungle cat raised an eyebrow. "Only those who could not handle a sword against me."

"I'd like to see you face a _real_ soldier—a guy who uses modern blasters rather than your antiquated, glorified toothpicks. _Then_ we'll see how far your prancing and pirouetting gets you."

 _That_ got under Panther's skin. He forgot all about Kursed for a second and leaned over her to get up in Fox's face. "Oh? Too scared to face someone _mano-a-mano?_ Any witless _burro_ can point and fire a gun, but wielding a sword takes _real_ skill and _years_ of training!"

Fox got up in Panther's face as well, gnashing his teeth mere inches from the feline. "Get with the times, you LARP-ing pussycat!"

At this point Kursed had to shrink down into the water to make room for them. Her headbutting suitors proved an inconvenient annoyance, but at the same time she appreciated having two eligible young men competing over her.

"Now boys," she interrupted, pushing them apart, "there's no need to kontinue this pointless arguing. Why not have a duel to the death to prove which of ye is really worthy?"

"Sounds good to me," Panther sneered at Fox. "Well, _chico oro_? Are you man enough to face me?"

"I'll take you any day, you glorified ballerina! What'll it be? Blasters? Rifles? Grenades? Or spacecraft?"

"Aha! Of course you would pick weapons your enemy does not know. Afraid of facing him on a level playing field?"

Fox crossed his arms. "And what would you suggest?"

Panther suddenly drew his sword from the water, which Fox could've sworn wasn't there a second ago—and certainly not concealed in the jungle cat's trunks. With a _swish_ he swung the sword upright and held the ornamental gold hilt to his face. "Dare to wield a rapier?"

"'Rapier?!' I don't even know 'er!" Fox joked, but he sucked in a breath when Panther leveled the point at his neck. "Hey, that's not fair either!" he rasped quietly, trying to keep the blade from nicking his Adam's apple. "I never learned how to swordfight; it's impractical in this day and age!"

Panther _tsked_ and sheathed the sword back in the jacuzzi somewhere. Andrew's bubbles ominously stopped, followed by a dark red stain that began spreading throughout the pool.

"I hope that's merely the blood of my _last_ victim that I forgot to clean off…"

With the bubbles no longer clouding the surface, Kursed yipped and folded her arms over her chest. "Arrgh! No one look!"

By this point in time however, a crowd had gathered to do precisely that. Fox and Panther's insults had grown in volume, attracting an audience of Aquans who were hoping to see a fight. The rest of Fox's teammates gathered by the side of the jacuzzi as well, having wondered where he'd disappeared to and gone looking for him. Falco showed up last, inexplicably wearing a blindfold and carrying a fluffy tail buttplug.

"I'm not even gonna ask," Fox said, shaking his head.

Falco lifted a corner of his blindfold and looked around, bewildered. "Wait, how did I get over to Star Wolf's island without crossing the…"

Leon pushed his way through the crowd, carrying a six pack of tropical wine coolers under each arm. The lizard balked when he saw the amount of red in the hot tub. "Ma'am," he hissed at Kursed, "if it's that time of the month again you shouldn't be in the jacuzzi."

"That's not mine!" she insisted through bared teeth.

"Oh yeah," Fox agreed, "you can take it from me; she's _always_ this cranky." Then, ignoring the blood—and a furious Kursed—he turned back to his new rival. "Alright Panther, we'll just have to pick weapons both of us are familiar with, or _neither_ of us are, if it comes down to it."

"Now hold on there, pup," Wolf interrupted. "When the time comes for you to die, _I_ have to be the one to land the _coup de grace._ I can't have you losing to one of my subordinates like that—especially not over some exotic blue thot." He steepled his claws together and grinned evilly. "Why not go _all in_ and make it a team battle? Star Fox _Jr._ versus Star Wolf? The final match to settle which team is better once and for all?"

"Oh?" Fox asked, skeptically. "And what would we compete with?"

"Gibsons," Wolf proclaimed.

" _Gibsons?"_ Fox echoed.

"Heh, not a Gibson guy? Rickenbacker, then? Fender? Take your pick of electric guitar, I don't care. Choosing a better model won't make a difference; what matters is _how_ you play, pup."

"Are you suggesting—?"

"You know _exactly_ what I'm suggesting! A battle of the bands! Whoever wins over the crowd with the better performance is the best team!"

Fox considered for a moment. Music wasn't really his strong suit… but then again, as far as he knew, neither was it Wolf's. Maybe he could 'accidentally' beat his rival over the head during his guitar solo, and that would be the end of it.

Rather than agreeing right away, Fox climbed out of the jacuzzi and pulled the rest of his teammates into a group huddle. Wolf and the others in the hot tub looked on curiously, craning their necks and perking their ears. All they could catch were excited, yet hushed voices, and Falco, Slippy, and the girls nodding their agreement to Fox.

Finally the vulpine turned around, a confident smirk on his face. "You're on!" he declared.

"I knew you couldn't turn the chance down!" Wolf answered. "Have your stage and equipment set up by nine. Better get started…"

Fox waved his team away. "Alright everyone, I'll meet you back at the island. You get a head start and prepare. I've gotta get Kursed a towel so she can… hey!"

When he looked back at the jacuzzi, Kursed was nowhere to be found—all that remained of her were two coconut shell cups floating in the water and the tattered waistband of a grass skirt.

"When did she leave?" he asked Wolf.

The lupine shrugged. "I dunno, I didn't see. Did you, girls?"

Scarlet and Sheila looked at each other, then shook their heads.

Fox looked around at the crowd of party-goers, scratching his head. "Huh, she really _is_ fast."

 _BOOM_

An explosion of colorful fireworks went off on the edge of the floating isle. Scarlet yipped and nearly jumped out of the jacuzzi, but when she realized what the noise was she calmed down. She released a relieved sigh and placed a hand on her chest, laughing nervously.

"Whew! False alarm…"

* * *

Both Star Fox and Star Wolf disappeared for the rest of the afternoon, busying themselves with preparations for the coming battle of the bands. Soon night fell upon the lagoon, the sky populated by a crystal clear sea of stars unmarred by light pollution like so many other industrialized planets. The Aquan party guests continued to amuse themselves for the time being, half of whom anticipated the concert, while the other half rightly feared what might happen as a result. Then again it was only a concert; what could go wrong?

When the agreed upon time came, two hastily-constructed stages stood upon the opposing shores, facing each other across the lagoon. An audience gathered on the beaches and even in the water between, floating on innertubes and inflatable chairs. They craned their necks to get a better view of the stages, but try as they might, they were covered by curtains.

Then, just as the audience was growing impatient, the stage-lights on Star Fox's side of the lagoon flashed on, followed by a long, squelching power-chord.

"Laaaaaadieeeees aaaaand gentlemeeeeeen!" Fox's amplified voice grabbed their attention, "It's time for the event you've all been waiting for…"

All eyes turned to the stage; the spotlights coalesced upon the curtains just in time to catch them _fwoosh_ to the side. They parted to reveal all seven members of Star Fox positioned on the stage, rocking matching sunglasses and white disco suits; they were so bright they made the lagoon light up as if it were midday. While their band uniforms were coordinated, each member played a different instrument: Fox stood in front of a mic for lead vocals and wielded a rhythm guitar shaped like the blue flames of an Arwing's exhaust port. Katt played lead guitar while supporting Fox with backup vocals. Miyu sat in back with the drum set, absently twirling her sticks; her white suit left her muscled arms bare. Slippy stood behind a laptop and a DJ turntable for record-scratching; a massive set of headphones over his ears. Since Kursed had never played an instrument before they put her on bass, while Falco spiced things up with one of his foreign instruments. Fay played triangle.

"How're you doing tonight Frappé?! Let's make some noise!"

The crowd of Aquans floating in the lagoon all cheered, eager to hear them play.

Fox continued, "Give it up for… uh…"

"OwOsmith!" Fay exclaimed while jumping in the air.

The rest of her bandmates looked at her funny.

She shrunk back. "No? How about… OwOsis!"

Still no reaction.

"The StrOwOkes?" she said with less enthusiasm. "The WhUwU?"

"Fay, stop," Fox said.

"The Pussykatt Dolls!" Katt cried, licking the back of her paw.

"Death Slips!"

"The Rolling Barrels?"

"Krystal Kastles! …Do not inquire as to how I know them."

"Guys, please—" Fox begged.

"Slippyknot!"

"Marooned 7?"

"Rage Against the Gyrocontrols!"

"OwOnation?" Fay meekly squeaked.

"ENOUGH!" Fox yelled, silencing his teammates. Then after making eye-contact with each one-by-one, he turned back to face the audience and cleared his throat. "We're UwU2."

"Not so fast!" another voice echoed from the other side of the lagoon.

All heads turned to face the artificial island, and the stage erected on its bank. Suddenly there was a flurry of activity where previously there had only been darkness. A thick blanket of fog seeped out over the water. A bright display of multi-colored lasers crisscrossed in the smoke. One unfortunate Aquan was sliced into cubes. Finally, pillars of fire blasted into the air before the curtains dropped, and Fox's heart sank along with them.

There, on the stage, were all four members of Star Wolf, dressed in equally-gaudy—if not better—costumes than Fox and his team had. They wore nearly 100% percent black clothes—only broken by the sheer amount of metal chains and spikes that bristled around their neck collars, wristbands, and boots. They'd dyed their facial fur black as well, but accentuated their muzzles with white paint, making it look like they were only skulls.

"This lagoon ain't big enough for two bands, Fox!" Wolf taunted into his mic. "So get your gay-ass 70's disco act outta here. It's time for a _real_ heavy metal band to show you how music's made!"

It was true; they were outfitted to hold their own sonic black mass that night. Wolf only carried a mic around, so he was probably on vocals. Leon's guitar was the fanciest out of their instruments, the body bejeweled with reflective emerald scales; he had to be lead guitar. Panther's guitar was a bass by the looks of it. Andrew seemed to have recovered from Panther stabbing him earlier. He merely stood at the back of the stage on a raised podium; all of their instruments seemed to be without amps or even a standard wall of speakers. Instead the wires from each piece of equipment rain straight into Andrew's ears. It was hard to make out his face across the lagoon, but he looked angry.

"My god they're using him to amplify their instruments!" Slippy realized. "Our wall of speakers doesn't stand a chance!"

Lastly, on drums they had…

Fox blinked and squinted at Star Wolf's stage a second time, for behind the drumkit sat Miyu Lynx, dressed in a similar black outfit ringed with spikes. He looked back at their own drumset, which was now vacant.

"Miyu?!" he exclaimed. "How did—? When—? For how long were—? _Why are you in Star Wolf's band?!"_

The lynx spun a drumstick on the side of her paw. "Hey, they needed a drummer, so I filled in for them."

"Yeah but… you kinda made a prior commitment to _our_ band?"

She shrugged. "Besides these two bands I'm in like, three others. What can I say; drummers are in high demand." Then when she saw Fox was still fretting about the whole situation she waved a dismissive hand. "Look, I promise I'll be back after our first number, alright?"

"Traitor!"

"Enough talk!" Wolf silenced them. "Let's rock! Make some noise for… Wolf and the Bulgy-Wulgies!"

Falco simply observed, "Their pants _are_ pretty tight," while Fox face-palmed.

A hush fell over the lagoon. No one touched their instruments. Instead, Wolf pounded his foot against the stage twice, then followed it up by clapping his hands. He repeated the makeshift percussion; two stomps, then a clap. It was a simple beat, but catchy and easy to follow: _boom-boom_ CLAP, _boom-boom_ CLAP _._ It was so infectious, in fact, that the Aquans began to follow along _._ Those on the opposing beaches had an easy time stamping their feet on the sand or deck, but the Aquans floating on the water had to improvise and beat their chests or each other. _Boom-boom_ CLAP, _boom-boom_ CLAP. Even Falco began to do it, till Fox batted him over the head.

When the whole audience was beating along, Wolf finally began to sing:

 _Star Fox you're a shit team, big meme  
Playin' in the sand think ya gonna be mercs some day  
Ya got sunscreen on yo' face  
There's no escape  
We're kickin' your ass all over the place_

[All] _  
Singin'  
We can't let you DO THAT!  
_( _boom-boom_ CLAP) _  
We can't let you DO THAT!  
(boom-boom _CLAP)

Now Leon and Panther began strumming their guitars, Andrew's nostrils providing ample distortion, while Miyu supplemented the organic beat with her own drums.

[Wolf]  
 _Foxy you're a lil' kit, big ijit  
Playin' at soldier gonna make ya cry for mommy today  
Ya never flown in space  
Or been to first base  
Betchu five bucks your underwear's lace_

By the time of the second chorus, the audience began to join in till the words thundered around the lagoon.

[All]  
 _Singin'_  
 _We can't let you DO THAT!_

"Howl it out!" Wolf encouraged.

 _We can't let you DO THAT!_

The lupine unleashed a high-pitched howl towards the moon, then slapped a paw over his mouth and looked around in embarrassment. He continued:

 _Meanwhile we're a hit team, bit mean  
Playin' in a band gonna rock the whole world someday  
We got a massive pirate ship  
We 'boutta take a trip  
Stealin' Aquas' treasure right outta yo' grip_

Before the final chorus Leon unleashed the full wrath of his guitar solo, making the strings wail as if Panther had fallen from the crow's nest and scissored the bowsprit. His pick-like claws, already deft with a blade or a blaster, practically danced over the strings. He assaulted the audience with lick after complicated lick, before ending the solo with one final squelching chord. By now the whole crowd was ready to join in:

[All]  
 _We can't let you DO THAT!_

"Sing it!" Wolf exclaimed.

 _We can't let you DO THAT!_

"Everybody!"

 _We can't let you DO THAT!_

"One more time!"

 _We can't let you DO THAT!_

"Alright!"

 _We can't let you DO THAT!_

"Okay you can stop now—"

 _We can't let you DO THAT!_

"I said that's enough!"

 _We can't let you—_

"QUIEEEEEEEET!" Wolf bellowed. Finally the audience's chants died out, and a few hundred jaws snapped shut from fear. Wolf looked around at them while shaking his head in approval. "Sometimes you're just _too_ good!" Then he directed his attention back across the water. "Well Fox, let's see you top _that!"_

Kursed grabbed the microphone from a startled Fox. "Thou kallest that music?! That was rubbish! I've heard plundered chests of gold tossed down staircases make random noises better than that! Thy singing sounded like the anguished screams of sea kows! I'll show thee a bass lick so juicy it'll make you drool buckets!"

"Alright then, prove us wrong!" Wolf challenged. "Show me whatchu got!"

Fox waited for Miyu to return and get settled in behind her drumset. Then he nodded to Falco. The avian dipped his head in response and readied his _dilruba,_ which was plugged into two walls of speakers stacked three stories high.

Fox counted down, "And-a-one, and-a-two, and-a-three, hit it!"

With one deft stroke, Falco strummed a single, yet unbelievably-low chord on his instrument. The speakers exploded with a sonic wave of force nearly below the hearing range of all the species present—so low in fact, that the audience didn't so much as hear it in their ears as they felt it resounding in the depths of their intestinal tracts. The aural assault was followed by the horrified screeches and the bassy sounds of hundreds of Aquans—and Star Wolf—collectively shitting their pants at the same time. Now in a panic, the audience stampeded out of the water, making a beeline for the changing rooms and porta-potties.

Katt skipped over to Falco and heartily slapped him on the back. "Way to go, Falco! I knew that brown note would come in handy!"

Falco flipped his sunglasses up and stared at her in confusion. "Whaddya mean 'brown note'?! That was just a _dilruba_ cover of 100 gecs' "money machine!""

Meanwhile Wolf, Leon, Andrew, and Panther had to carefully walk bow-legged off their stage. Before leaving Wolf pivoted around to shake a fist towards them, a look of utter excruciation on his face. "I'll get you for this, Fox! This isn't the last you'll hear of Star Wolf!"

At that moment a deep explosion rocked the floating island, and the stage swayed beneath Star Wolf's feet. A billowing cloud of steam puffed free of the lava cake volcano at the island's center. Then with a momentous rumble, a gush of molten chocolate erupted into the sky like a geyser, before the rest of the thick liquid poured over the lip and enveloped the island. Any Aquans still left in Star Wolf's theme park ran for their lives, diving or cannon-balling into the sea to escape. Star Wolf realized too late what was happening; their view of the volcano blocked by the backdrop of the stage. By the time they jumped down the chocolate lava was upon them. A wave of creamy brown liquid washed over the band mates, sweeping them into the lagoon. Wolf went under cursing Fox's name, and the last they saw of him was his clenched fist lifted above the water and molten chocolate.

The lava cake volcano rumbled a second time and heaved another onslaught of chocolate down its slopes. The eruption was so extreme that whatever mechanisms holding the island afloat gave out. As steam hissed from the rapid cooling of the molten chocolate reaching the water, the island sank into the sea, sending one final tidal wave through the lagoon. The Aquans still floating in the water were lifted a hundred feet into the air, screaming before the wave crashed back down. Raised up on their stage, Star Fox escaped with but a thorough dousing, though it did deposit some soaked Aquans around them.

"I guess that's what you call…" Falco replaced his sunglasses, _"crowd-surfing."_ He grinned.

" _Fuck you,"_ Mayor Zippy wheezed from his prone, face-down position on the stage. "The classics were better. I remember when songs used to not make you shit your pants."

* * *

'The Browning,' as it came to be called, put an end to the party. All of the guests left, gingerly walking bow-legged up the jungle path. The lagoon was an utter mess; crab shells, shrimp tails, and drumstick bones lay scattered over the beach, along with scraps of confetti and plastic cups with dregs of juice. The tiki torches were all doused out by the tsunami that struck the shore, and the bonfires were nothing but steaming embers. As for Star Wolf's island, it had sunk to the bottom of the lagoon, coming to rest atop the wreckage of the shuttle that brought Star Fox to Frappé in the first place. The chocolate lava cake volcano had colored the water a dark brown shade. Meanwhile, Star Wolf was nowhere to be found… and none of Fox's teammates were eager to go swimming in the lagoon to look for them, either—not considered where most of the Aquans were when the brown note was struck.

Lylat Lagoon was a mess, yes, but thankfully it was no longer _Star Fox's_ mess. When Fox asked the mayor's soaked corpse if he wanted them to clean up after the party, his only response had been a pained, "Go… just… _go."_

With all the guests gone, the members of Star Fox took turns showering in the outdoor guest stalls setup on either side of the treehouse. The tidal wave resulting from the volcanic eruption had ruined their white disco suits with salty water, sand, and chocolate stains. At least, hopefully that was chocolate…

Fox waited to shower so he could be alone. He'd had enough social interaction to last him for a thousand nights, and the last thing he wanted to deal with was Falco and Slippy's shower conversations. No, after that escapade he needed quiet. He needed to relax.

The night air was pleasantly cool; the silence was palpable, barring the natural noises of the waves breaking over the sand and the wind rustling the palms. The lagoon sure was a catastrophe to behold, but the destruction was so peaceful after the fact.

Fox lay his swimsuit and towel on a bench outside the row of shower-stalls. He stepped into the furthest stall from the treehouse, on the right end. Closing the door behind him, he eagerly stripped off the white suit. He eyed the stains suspiciously before draping the clothes over the chest-high wall. Of course they had only just rented the outfits, and they were ruined.

Now shivering in the cool air, Fox twisted the dual knobs back and forth till he achieved the perfect mix of hot and cold water. Throwing his head back, he closed his eyes and let the stream of warm water pelt the sand, salt, chocolate, and other questionable substances from his fur. Finally he had achieved peace.

The shower door to the stall next to him slammed shut, and Fox jumped. Turning, he saw Kursed shrugging out of her white disco jacket.

"Ugh, so uncomfortable," she huffed before draping the article over the wall their stalls shared.

"K-Kursed, what are you doing here?" Fox demanded, covering himself with his hands.

She pulled the shirt over her head next, though it got stuck around her elbows; it was obvious she wasn't used to wearing them. Her voice came out muffled. _"Showering. What does it look it? Gods know what was in that water we were splashed with."_ Finally the shirt came free and she lay it over the side as well.

Fox looked left and right. "Yeah, but… these are the _men's_ showers!"

"So? The guests are gone; how does it matter which shower I use?"

Fox grimaced when her bra came free next, and Kursed slapped it over the side with the rest of her clothes. At least the dividing wall came up high enough to hide her, but that depended on how far either of them were from the wall at any give time. If Fox stood too close…

The todd gulped. "And you're sure you couldn't have used any of the other stalls here?"

Kursed paused with her pants halfway off. She stared back over the line of six other stalls, all of which were completely vacant and far from Fox. "No, of kourse not. I wouldn't be able to konverse with you. After all, that's what I kame here to do."

Finally she draped the rest of her clothes over the wall and turned her own water on, basking for a minute in the warm spray.

Fox was too fixated on the fact that both of them were naked and separated by a thin plywood wall to do anything. For a minute he just gaped at the blue vixen soaking up the steamy water, unsure of how to react. Finally he accepted that there was no arguing with her, and with a shrug he returned to washing.

After a few minutes he heard Kursed try to get his attention. "Hey…"

He turned and saw her leaning against the dividing wall, long purple hair dripping onto his side. "Got any soap?"

"Oh, uh… sure." Fox awkwardly turned back to grab the bar of soap from the ledge and handed it to her. Kursed grasped the other end of the soap with her paw, but didn't take it. Instead she unabashedly stared down into Fox's stall. His jaw dropped at her audacity.

Then, looking back up she winked and took the soap. She lathered the bar between her hands and began spreading the suds over her fur, humming to herself as if nothing had happened.

Fox meanwhile had no idea how to react. On the one hand, she wasn't trying to forcefully have her way with him like the spoiled princess she used to be would have done. He appreciated her self-control. Yet on the other hand, that desire was still undeniably there…

Clearing his throat, Fox returned to washing. "So… you wanted to talk about something?"

"Ah, yes, I forgot. I had something else rather… large on my mind."

Fox's cheeks burned.

"What I wanted to say is this. At first we may have been enemies. Being a royal Cerinian princess, I have certain standards to uphold, including but not limited to subjugating kommoners like thyself. That all changed when you, a warlord, raided my ship and karried me off betwixt thy arms. By all rights I am your prisoner—your slave—to do with as ye see fit. Yet, all things konsidered, thou hast treated me mercifully."

Seemingly oblivious to his gaze, Kursed swung her foot up atop the wall and began washing her leg in front of him—a move which struck Fox as extremely impractical.

"Really, for a lawless pirate kaptain, and a villainous knave, thou art well-mannered and kind. Perhaps there _is_ noble blood in thee after all. But regardless, I kannot deny that working with you has been… fun. Thee and thy mates have a sort of peasant kommradarie that is pleasant to be around. Your friends almost konsider me one of their own after today."

Finishing the first leg, she jerked backwards several times to lower it from the wall, but couldn't get it down. Gingerly Fox helped her, lifting her foot and pushing it over the edge. "Thank you," she huffed quietly, then immediately lifted and began washing the other leg. Fox rolled his eyes.

"What I mean to say is, I think an alliance between us would be beneficial. My krew has deserted me for other ventures. You have a splendid and kapable band of seamen, but no guidance and no idea of how to find the way off this planet. Therefore, I think it would be in both of our best interests to work together. In short, I am agreeing to your earlier proposal to help you find the Gatekeeper."

Fox breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, that's great! We'll leave first thing tomorrow morning. I'm sure with your help we'll all be able to escape Aquas and get back to… where each of us came from."

"Yes; I will return to my rightful place in the high kourts of Cerinia, and ye shall return to your drab peasant lives."

Fox's muzzle twisted. "I guess that's one way of putting it. But I'd gladly go back to flight school and my mercenary career no matter how shit they were—especially in comparison to this."

Kursed sighed and gazed at Fox with a forlorn expression. "A pity that we must go our separate ways. I should like to bring thee back with me, for thou art a fine specimen of a male. Alas, father would never allow me to marry someone with your status—or lack thereof. He doesn't understand the way I feel. I'm doomed to marry one of my noble kousins in the kourt, or a hideous, rival king of my father's, or a brutish warlord that's threatening our borders. If the goddess of fortune smiles on me, he'll be as handsome and gentle as thee."

Once again, the vixen had succeeded in disarming Fox with her words. A silence felt between them, broken only by the sounds of the shower water and Kursed's scrubbing, as Fox's brain struggled to process and accept her words. Was that the way she really felt about him? He had to know.

"Hey, when Wolf asked us earlier about… well, you and me, did you mean what you said? About having some sort of… 'union' with me?"

Kursed sniffed, continuing to absently wash. "Yes. Why?"

He scratched his head. "Well, I guess I was wondering, with you being so used to arranged marriages and all… how much of this relationship is out of 'political' necessity, and how much of it is—"

Her eyes flashed his way. "—Me actually loving you? That all depends. How much love do you want in return for the Gatekeeper?"

"N-none!" he stuttered. "I'm not setting out on this voyage for just myself; I'm doing it for my friends, too—and everyone who's stuck on this planet. Heck, I don't even care if you hate me, I'd still help you get back." He brushed his wet crop of hair out of his eyes and glanced at her. "Speaking of which… _do_ you hate me?"

Kursed crossed her arms and looked him over, as if debating. "Yes, I hate you. I hate you because you've made me forsake years of my Cerinian upbringing as a princess. I hate you because you've made me fall for an alien peasant who isn't fit to wash the ground I walk on. I hate you because you've humiliated me and everything I thought I was. Because, Fox, I love thee."

"You… hate me because you _love_ me?" He tilted his head and looked at her funny. "What is that even supposed to—"

"100 percent."

Fox stumbled. "Huh?"

Kursed wrapped her arms around her torso and huddled beneath the stream of water. She turned her back to him. "You asked how much of our union was really me loving you. 100 percent of it is."

That caused Fox's jaw to clamp shut. _"Oh…"_

The vixen shuffled in place. "Well, 83 percent is purely physical. I wouldn't abandon 18 years of proper training for someone with your same peculiarities but who looked like the goblin you kall Slippy. But… there's still 17 percent that I don't understand. You make me feel… different. Like I'm not a pirate kaptain, or a princess to you. You don't seem to kare. So now I ask thee; dost thou also love me?"

Fox stared at her for a minute; her shoulders stooped beneath the cone of the shower, her purple hair trailing rivulets of water down her back, and her arms wrapped around her soaked frame, as if hugging herself. He'd only ever known her to be an unscrupulous pirate queen, and once robbed of that front she revealed an even more spoiled princess in her past. He wondered if anyone really cared about her besides her status or because they feared her and her parentage. Was she any more alone now than she was back then?

"Listen Kursed, I… I don't think you're perfect. I think you have a lot to learn in terms of how you treat other people. You could stand to be less selfish, and, er, more sensitive of other people's social statuses. But yes, I can't deny that—even through all that—I love you."

She turned around to face him, but instead looked down at the water pooling around her feet. "You know, no one's ever told me that."

"Really? No one's ever said that they love you?"

Kursed shook her head. "Oh, more people and suitors than I kould kount. I was the most-loved girl in the village. But no one dared say those other things about me. About how I was selfish or prideful and uncaring. I think that's the other part about you that konfuses me. It's another thing that makes me hate you, yet also love you."

Fox looked away sheepishly, smiling to himself. "You know, I'm not really to blame for this whole… 'transformation' you've undergone."

She looked at him apprehensively. "What dost thou mean?"

"This whole 'Kursed the bad girl' phase started before you met me, didn't it? All that familial pressure probably set off a rebellious streak inside you, and you finally let it out when you were separated from your parents. The fearsome pirate captain—it's just a façade. You put it on like a bargain bin Party Town costume. I bet underneath that… you're scared and lost."

While the two vulpines talked, they were too focused on each other to notice a pair of gray, fluffy ears poking over the shower stall. They crept over to where Fox had left his towel and swimsuit and disappeared for a second, then raced away with a snicker. Their owner had slunk in and out completely unnoticed.

Kursed's head lowered slowly, her gaze downcast.

"Krystal?"

The vixen looked up, surprise on her face. "What?"

"That's your name, isn't it? Your real one?"

"Yes, but how did you—?"

"I remembered. You told it to me when you first attacked the lagoon. Can I… can I call you Krystal from now on? Calling you Kursed just feels… I dunno, _wrong_ I guess. I don't think you're cursed at all."

Kursed felt her cheeks blush and she kept glancing away from Fox. "Well, I suppose thou kouldst… but only you and no one else. And only when the twain of us are alone!"

Fox laughed. "Alright, it's a deal!"

"And that goes for the narrator, too!" Kursed hastily added.

Now it was her turn to look around to make sure no one was watching. Shuffling forward she stopped by the shower divider and leaned over it. Fox took his cue and drew closer as well, closing his eyes and moving in to kiss her. But she surprised him instead with a wet peck on the cheek, and Fox pulled back, blinking.

He drew back sheepishly, scratching the nape of his neck. "Well, I guess we're official then."

"Indeed," Kursed agreed. Her eyes trailed down to somewhere beneath her side of the shower wall, and she grinned. Now in a quiet voice, she said, "Fox, there's a gloryhole—"

"NO."

She sighed. "Well it was worth a shot…"

Kursed shut off her water and slung her clothes over her shoulder, stepping out of her stall. She dried off with a towel before wrapping it around her torso and padding off. "Until tomorrow, Fox: goodnight."

"Goodnight," he halfheartedly waved.

Sighing wistfully, Fox turned his own water off and dried himself with his towel. Then, his mind fully entranced with Kursed's afterimage, he pulled his swimsuit on.

He regretted that.

Immediately his eyes bugged from their sockets and his teeth clenched, but Fox held in his scream—at least for a few more seconds, for his swimsuit was _filled_ with baby crabs. Rushing back into the shower stall, he grabbed the detachable showerhead and held it up to his face like a microphone. Unable to hold it in any longer, he screamed:

 _CRAAAAAAAAAWLING IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN MY SUUUUUUUUUUUIT  
THESE CRAAAAAAAABS HAVE TIIIIIIIIIIIINY PINCERRRRRRRRRS  
A THOUUUUSAND PRIIIIIICKING CLAAAAAAWWWWS  
MY DICK IS IN THEIR MINCERRRRRRRRRS—Ohhhh-_OW-OW!

* * *

.🐺.

* * *

 _A/N_ _: Thanks to Shadewave for Star Wolf's band name. Though maybe I shouldn't have incriminated him…_

 _This episode closes off the first arc of_ Lylat Lagoon _. In the next installment the characters will set out on the open sea for even more shenanigans. The way I'm planning the story now there will be 5 episodes on Frappé Island (which are all completed at this point), 5 episodes sailing around in search of the treasure (I already have solid ideas for each), and 5 final plot-intensive episodes to close off the story (of which I have_ nothing _planned)._

 _Now, as usual, I'll be taking a break before starting the next episode. In the meantime, I'm hoping to get an actually-serious story off the ground. So, be on the lookout for that!_


End file.
